I'm that guy...

[kikimo]

This is my first post outside of introduction, so forgive me if I'm doing this wrong.

My undiagnosed bf constantly says... . "I'm that guy"

Examples

- "I'm that guy who will work in a factory forever"

- "I'm that uncle that never shows up to family holidays"

- "I'm that guy who will live alone"

- "I'm that guy who is always the fat friend"

He is always "that guy" or "that uncle". I find it odd that he does this, and I wonder if he is struggling with is identity? Does your SO do this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KateCat]

It must be because of today's passing of Maya Angelou, but I'm reminded of one of her well-known quotations:

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

Do you think he is struggling with identity, or do you think he is struggling with your hopes and wishes for him? (I'm sorry, but I have not read your intro post, so this is just an off-the-cuff impression from this post.)

[kikimo]

He more says these things when he is telling me things I'd rather not hear. So, these are more negative, low self esteem things. Like he will always be "that guy" who isn't good enough, for me or his family. However, a lot of these things he says that he is, isn't really so or are changeable. More commonly lately, he is "that guy that will always be alone".

I find it odd that he constantly uses "that guy" rather than just stating, I'll always be alone etc...

[KateCat]

I just read through your introductory post (too quickly, I admit, but enough to see many  for the future of this relationship). In an attempt to channel the wisdom of the wiser members of this forum, I'll ask you 1) What are your long-term hopes for this relationship? and 2) Can you accept him as he is now?

What I'm not immediately seeing in your description of this fellow is any firm desire or plan to change. Maybe self-pity and resentment, but little real insight regarding his own part in his destiny.

Do you see something different?

[kikimo]

1) What are your long-term hopes for this relationship?

At this point I'm not sure. I have feelings for him, but I wouldn't necessarily make any long term plans with someone who I've known less than a year. I do care a great deal for him, and I just want to get to know him better. I find it hard to do with his flip flopping, that just leaves me very confused.

2) Can you accept him as he is now? To a degree. I don't like the confusion. Otherwise, I have accepted him. 


Do you see something different? Well, I see a guy who has made great efforts to improve his life over the past 2 years. He no longer does drugs, and has held down a steady job for over a year now. He does realize he needs to work on himself more. If he didn't admit that, I'd have to walk away. I've also told him more than once, it was his job to fix himself, not my job. That I supported him, but I couldn't change him. He does have a lot of self pity and plays victim a great deal. I've tried using my own past to let him know, that as adults we have to take responsibility for our own actions. I use examples of my own life, rather than pointing fingers.

I probably am setting myself up for one big heartbreak, but I guess at this point, it's a chance I'm willing to take.

[kikimo]

Maybe one key I've left out of the puzzle is this... . He said he had true, deep feelings for me, but he talked himself into believing it won't work. He talked himself out of it because he knows that I'll leave him for someone else, and he is terrified he will get hurt. He also have OCD with compulsive thoughts and thinking.

[KateCat]

"Said he knows that if he loses his job, he will go back to being a criminal."  

As long as you know that he's not, you know, "husband material," I think you're doing just fine. You have the great advantage of finding this forum now, rather than five years from now. You've got time on your side, so you may want to begin your journey by reading the Lessons this website offers. They take a while to digest and accept, so be patient with yourself.

[kikimo]

Thank you. I hope to get informed so I can make better decisions, and how to handle situations so I don't hurt him. I've known a great deal about things like OCD, Bi polar, etc... I never even realized that BPD was an issue for people. Bless the people with it, and the ones who love them.

[KateCat]

  Yes. It's a real mental illness.

[nothing]

What he is doing is creating a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. In his mind the things he says are set in stone and he believes them to be the truth. Depression and this type of negative thinking will take the path of least resistance and that is to do nothing about it because they think nothing can be done to change it.

I would show them paths or different perspectives. There is nothing wrong with working in the factory if you move up the ladder and you are a boss. If you truly don't like working there what about looking for another job or even schooling for different job. If you want I would remind you of holidays so you do not forget or we could go together.

No expert but I just throw lots of options or perspectives to my SO when this happens. They are too busy feeling and not thinking. They hopefully will see there are other options and go with one of them and I support/help them with it.

[kikimo]

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. Sometimes things are easier understood when some else explains them .

I've told him that life is full of uncertainty, and the main focus was what makes him happy and self love. I also encouraged him that there is nothing wrong with working in factory, if he likes it. I even said, that in today's job market many people with college degrees are working in factories. He agreed and said one guy on his line had a degree.  I have to give him a lot pep talks. They seem to help... . for awhile. Then I have to repeat it again. It doesn't help that he can't connect with his family. There are issues there, that run deep, sadly. Little steps