She called me...I'm nervous

[Depression = 72% of members]

Last night I went to a concert, and afterwards to a bar. After a couple drinks, one of my ex's favorite songs came on that we'd always sing and dance to together. I was a little boozy and I sent her a snapchat of the song, that's all. First time initiating any sort of contact in over a month. I saw that she opened it, and also looked at my snapchat "story" that I had posted at the concert earlier.

She did not respond, & I didn't really expect her to. But then, today... .my phone didn't even ring and suddenly I had a voicemail. It was her.  She said she didn't know if I'd want to hear from her, but I had been on her mind and she just wanted to see how I was doing. She said that she hoped that myself and my family were well. She said that I didn't have to, but I could call or text her... .and that hopefully we'd talk soon.

I have missed her desperately for months now, but when I heard her voice my hands started shaking. I want to talk to her, but I'm not sure I'll like what I hear. What if she tells me about a new interest or someone she's dating? Last time we talked I still wanted to work on the r/s and she was done with it... .moving on. Ultimately I will call her back, but I'm just so nervous. I'm not sure if any advice can be given, but I just needed to let this out and who better to understand than you guys?  Any thoughts as always, are greatly appreciated.

[JJacks0]

Last night I went to a concert, and afterwards to a bar. After a couple drinks, one of my ex's favorite songs came on that we'd always sing and dance to together. I was a little boozy and I sent her a snapchat of the song, that's all. First time initiating any sort of contact in over a month. I saw that she opened it, and also looked at my snapchat "story" that I had posted at the concert earlier.

She did not respond, & I didn't really expect her to. But then, today... .my phone didn't even ring and suddenly I had a voicemail. It was her.  She said she didn't know if I'd want to hear from her, but I had been on her mind and she just wanted to see how I was doing. She said that she hoped that myself and my family were well. She said that I didn't have to, but I could call or text her... .and that hopefully we'd talk soon.

I have missed her desperately for months now, but when I heard her voice my hands started shaking. I want to talk to her, but I'm not sure I'll like what I hear. What if she tells me about a new interest or someone she's dating? Last time we talked I still wanted to work on the r/s and she was done with it... .moving on. Ultimately I will call her back, but I'm just so nervous. I'm not sure if any advice can be given, but I just needed to let this out and who better to understand than you guys?  Any thoughts as always, are greatly appreciated.

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[JJacks0]

Well I called her back.

Long story short, we talked for an hour, caught up... .found out she's been dating someone for a few weeks but that there's no label yet... .she said it's just been casual. That was the last thing I wanted to hear, although I did expect it.

Then she asked if I wanted to get together on Tuesday for coffee and a walk or something. I  agreed, but I was hesitant and still am. I  love her  so much... .I don't want to be just friends. But I miss her and would love to see her too. I'm not sure what will be more painful. I admitted to her that I don't think I've moved on at the same pace as her, and that it's hard for me to hear her talk about someone else.

I really wanted to work on things with us,  but she showed no sign of interest in anything but friendship. It's hard to imagine how she could just have no feelings for me anymore after 7 years together.

What do you do?

[patientandclear]

Don't over-interpret her desire to be in touch with a desire to confront the deeper challenges of being or staying together as partners.

Of course she wants to not lose you ... .There's a million miles between that and wanting to endure triggers and disappointment and fear of a sustained r/ship with a known partner who means a great deal, which I'm sure you do. If she can keep it in this zone--if you will participate--from her perspective, why should she not?

It really comes down to your own boundaries (know what they are--how close are you willing to be with someone who is seeing or will see other people) and your own tolerance for ambiguity and playing things out. I played things out.  When I came to feel his actions didn't square with the intimate connection in our r/ship I applied boundaries that have resulted in much greater distance. I can understand the desire to play it out, but it's important if you do so to know you can take care of yourself emotionally no matter what happens, as there is little or nothing in the mix to suggest she would choose the complexity and reality of your r/ship over the hope and rewards of trying something new.

[Meili]

Establish and enforce your boundaries where talk about the new person is concerned. If you don't want to hear about it, then don't.

Be bright and shiny and interesting. Don't start conversations about your past relationship with her. No doom and gloom.

Have fun and enjoy. See where she takes it. If it isn't a direction that you want or are comfortable with, then make that call then.

[JJacks0]

Thanks for the advice.

I have no idea how to just be friends with her,  I'm so used to the way we've always been. I know I'm going to have to really hold back. Like you said,  Meili, I know I need to keep it light and have fun or she definitely won't want to see me again. But I have a feeling that when I leave after seeing her, I'll be worse off than before. I know it won't be the way I really want it to, since she's got me in the friend category now.

Only months ago we were going out, having fun,  and she was telling me how happy she was with me. The way she's able to move on so quickly is so confusing. I've tried to talk to other people in these 2 months apart, but my mind always went back to her. And now that we've talked, I want to talk to her all the time. I haven't, but I feel like texting her little things so often because that's how it always was. I'm trying to hold back so she doesn't find me overbearing... .but it's just so difficult.

I know you've both been (and maybe still are) in a similar situation. So I really appreciate the feedback. I'd be lost without these boards right now.

[JJacks0]

I've come to accept the fact that I'm really only okay with a friendship so long as she is not actually in a relationship with this person. If that happened I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

I am not okay with her dating casually either, but I'm not so secretly hoping that if we start to spend time with each other again maybe she will stop seeing the other person. I know this may not be the case, but I also feel like if I don't see what happens I'll feel like I blew my last chance.

Is this totally delusional?

[Meili]

No, it's not totally delusional. And, yes, I'm still keeping myself involved in a similar situation.

Not subjecting yourself to the painful reminders that the relationships is over (even if a new one can be formed) by establishing boundaries is healthy. Many people around here (including myself) are of the opinion that it is best to tell our pwBPD that we'd love to hear from and spend time with them, but cannot do so while the pwBPD is involved with another; it just hurts too much. Being honest is always a good thing.