What to do?

[fordprefect]

So the last few days have been a bit of hard-work to say the least. We are a bit short of money and want to move house but it looks like I need to get a better job that earns a bit more so we can get a larger house than we are in now.  So pressure is on from dBPDw. I must spend every waking moment looking for a job so we can move. Anytime I seem to spend with kids or even watching a little TV (and I can go for days without watching any) is seen to be a waste of my time. Don't have an issue with looking for work, and have applied for alot of jobs, and even got a couple of interviews lined up. But of course this isn't enough... .

She is being very demanding, giving me direct orders on what to do. Yesterday we had a difficult morning, I wouldn't jump to one of her commands. She kept pushing and pushing for me to take dirty clothes upstairs, but I was already upstairs trying to get two small kids teeth brushed. She has this way of stating the same command (and its "do this... ." type language, not "please can you ... ." over and over and getting progressively louder until I just have to give in as I cant cope with it anymore - which I did, alebit with a slightly verbally aggressive response (can't remember exactly what I said but it included the 'f' word, and  snatched the clothes off her and went back to what I was doing).

She made sure the kids were in bed when I got home last night (I got home about 6.35pm, they normally go to bed for 7 ish so I get 30 mins or so to read book and say goodnight etc

Since then, she decided that I now have to get out the house as quick as possible in the mornings, not really see anything of the kids, and start job hunting... .

This type of thing happens so much, she says she doesnt want to be a controlling wife, but she gives me direct orders then gives me hell and withholds me from seeing my own kids as some kind of punishment if i dont jump to her every command. And I am apparently sleeping on the sofa from now on. I am not a stranger to this. Its really getting to me. I know I am not perfect by along way, but it seems life is just a constant uphill struggle.

We've had countless sessions of therapy, both individual and as a couple, but its stopped now, and things seem to be on the downward turn again. I don't think I love her anymore. But I don't hate her either. But I love my kids and dont want to break up the home environment for their sake. I think i am also a little scared to make the break if I am honest.

She is a great mother, very dedicated and always puts the kids first. No doubt about that. But I am not happy at the moment.

Any suggestions on what to do?

[Restored2]

Hi fordprefect.  My heart goes out to you in the midst of all that you are having to deal with here.  This is not an easy position to be placed in.  From what you said, it sounds like things have gone on the downward turn since your therapy sessions stopped.  This could be the beginning of the missing link to get back on track again.  Is it possible for you both to get back into therapy sessions as a couple again?

[rj47]

We've had countless sessions of therapy, both individual and as a couple, but its stopped now, and things seem to be on the downward turn again. I don't think I love her anymore. But I don't hate her either. But I love my kids and dont want to break up the home environment for their sake. I think i am also a little scared to make the break if I am honest.

She is a great mother, very dedicated and always puts the kids first. No doubt about that. But I am not happy at the moment.

Any suggestions on what to do?


Its a cause for despair to be caught up in weighing the alternatives.

I did so for decades hanging in there for my kids and for the simple reason that I made it through the difficult periods of devaluation waiting for the idealization to return. Our last child is leaving soon and I'm listing the house to finally set the table for the final break. Even now its difficult; but, I wonder how much I lost of myself along the way as did she through all of the heartbreak. Whatever you do is likely to be wrong as "we don't know what we don't know".

But, its worth trying to make it work while you are together and forcing your way back into therapy either alone or as a couple. Don't lose yourself along the way.