No Filter... and no pre-thought

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm just venting I guess.

I have been excited and looking forward to seeing my SOBPDbf tonight.  We have planned a movie night at home together.

So there were a few back and forward loving texts, all nice... . then out of the BLUE after I said I can't wait to see you, he drags up old incident, regarding something that happened a while ago, and aggressively goes on about that... .

I was like, seriously, What the heck... .

So, I texted him back and said I am not getting into this, but whatever I have said in the past, I stand by, and I love you.

He says, I'll cu soon, but lets not discuss this, its how it is, nothing to talk about and I love you.

So, another thing buried under the mountain of his feelings that he hold grudges for... .

I hope I can hold my tongue.

[DreamerGirl]

I'm just venting I guess.

I have been excited and looking forward to seeing my SOBPDbf tonight.  We have planned a movie night at home together.

So there were a few back and forward loving texts, all nice... . then out of the BLUE after I said I can't wait to see you, he drags up old incident, regarding something that happened a while ago, and aggressively goes on about that... .

I was like, seriously, What the heck... .

So, I texted him back and said I am not getting into this, but whatever I have said in the past, I stand by, and I love you.

He says, I'll cu soon, but lets not discuss this, its how it is, nothing to talk about and I love you.

So, another thing buried under the mountain of his feelings that he hold grudges for... .

I hope I can hold my tongue.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry about this. I remember many text exchanges that seemed to follow the same path.

Are you able to depersonalize such responses? Also, although sometimes taking a step back and leaving things to be addressed at a later time is best, I did find that the communication techniques work through texts, too.

Are either of you seeing therapists?

[misuniadziubek]

I was like, seriously, What the heck... .

So, I texted him back and said I am not getting into this, but whatever I have said in the past, I stand by, and I love you.

He says, I'll cu soon, but lets not discuss this, its how it is, nothing to talk about and I love you.

So, another thing buried under the mountain of his feelings that he hold grudges for... .

I hope I can hold my tongue.

Honestly? I think you handled things very well, by diverting back to neutral/affectionate territory.  I remember fights over text. They were horrendous.

It's hard to recover, though. They change their moods/stances at the drop of a hat.

Hope things ended up going well.

[formflier]

 

Usually... .there is an emotion or feeling they have... .that is causing them to drag something out of the past.

If you are "up to it"... .feeling good about things... ."strong"... .then there are various techniques to try and get them to open up some about what they are feeling... .and hopefully you can validate those feelings.

If you are triggered... .or not having a good day... .ending that line of conversation is usually the best policy.

Worst:  Getting into an argument over it.

Thoughts?

A good way to get them to open up... .

"Help me understand what you are trying to communicate about the xyz incident"

FF

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks Mike-X, sometimes I can de-personalize what he says and not let him affect my mood, but there are still occasions where he strikes out verbally and I react by JADING.  This time I didn't JADE.   No we're not having any therapy together, I do have my own therapist though.  He went to therapy a few years back, but he didn't stick with it.

misuniadziubek thank you, I did have to take a step back and not respond immediately to his text message.  I was floored at first, then upset and angry.  I drafted out a text, pretty much telling him not to bother coming over etc... .then I went and did a small amount of housework, thinking about the situation, then went back and deleted that message, and rewrote the one I sent.

I've also learned how horrible text fighting can be, so I try and stay well clear of it, my success rate is still not 100% yet... .there are times when I am tired or just over his picking at me, when I do react, not as much these days though.

Formflier, how very true.  I think fortunately, I was feeling quite emotionally strong last night, which is why I handled myself fairly well. 

I thought about his feelings and I could see where his anger was coming from.  He felt hurt from something I had addressed with him awhile back.  Something that is true and that has been upsetting me about him.  It was to do with his hygiene.  He has made a huge effort since our talk, but he still feels angry at me deep down, for making him feel ashamed, I'm guessing.

It's still surprises me, after all this time that he just reacts without thinking.  I never know, like all of us here, what to expect from one minute to the next.  I've noticed a lot lately, that when I wake up in the morning, I lay there for a few minutes thinking about our conversations from the evening before, thinking, was there anything that I said or did that could have triggered him, just wondering how the day is going to go... .because as we all know, it doesn't take much to trigger them, and we usually don't even know we have!

As for last night, well it went really well.  He arrived, I welcomed him lovingly and then we didn't speak about the text he sent. He was super loving to me, and again today. 

[formflier]

 

Remember... .the disorder is about feelings... .not about thinking. 

The feelings will "outrun" the thinking... .most of the time.  Which is different than the way most "nons" process things.

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks for the reminder formflier, I can forget that sometimes. 

I'm a very sensitive person, so I have a fairly good understanding of how my own feelings can, at times, overwhelm, and cause me to react to something simply based on a feeling.

I think the difference with my bf and myself is that he is very very impulsive, so there is absolutely no thought of consequences, until afterwards.  That's how he lives his life.  Whereas, the times I have reacted from my feelings, I am usually aware of what is happening, and have learned to think what the potential outcome of my behavior will be. 

Just thinking about this subject, reacting on feelings, made me realize that when I did get his angry/aggressive text last night, my feelings were all over the place, initially.  I felt so angry. I really did almost send a response, based totally on my feelings, but managed to take the time to stop and cool down, then to think through how my response will affect our relationship.  So, it's easy to see how we can respond based purely on our feelings, in times of stress.

[formflier]

This is just a guess... .but I would say if you took your "reactivity" with your feelings as a measure... .a pwBPD's reactivity would be exponentially greater. 

The "factor" of how much exponentially greater would probably depend on how high or low functioning they are.

Keep up the effort to keep yourself centered... .I think you will start reaping big rewards from that soon.

Also... .keep up the good posts... .I think they will help many people in similar situations to yours!

FF

  I really did almost send a response, based totally on my feelings, but managed to take the time to stop and cool down, then to think through how my response will affect our relationship.  

 

[DreamerGirl]

Formflier thank you.  I do feel rewarded lately, the changes in my recent behavior has made a big difference to how I feel and the benefit has been quite a positive for our relationship.

[Mike-X]

Thanks for the reminder formflier, I can forget that sometimes. 

I'm a very sensitive person, so I have a fairly good understanding of how my own feelings can, at times, overwhelm, and cause me to react to something simply based on a feeling.

I think the difference with my bf and myself is that he is very very impulsive, so there is absolutely no thought of consequences, until afterwards.  That's how he lives his life.  Whereas, the times I have reacted from my feelings, I am usually aware of what is happening, and have learned to think what the potential outcome of my behavior will be. 

Just thinking about this subject, reacting on feelings, made me realize that when I did get his angry/aggressive text last night, my feelings were all over the place, initially.  I felt so angry. I really did almost send a response, based totally on my feelings, but managed to take the time to stop and cool down, then to think through how my response will affect our relationship.  So, it's easy to see how we can respond based purely on our feelings, in times of stress.

It is good that you have recognized your own emotional reactivity in this case and even better that you were able to exercise good control in pausing, getting centered, and thinking about the relationship beyond the moment before responding.