The clouds parted, and the angels sang

[MercuryHat]

Today the clouds parted, and the angels sang and I had the AHA!

I think it's BPD that is ruining so much of my life.

The crazy making discussions that degenerate into me trying to rationalize with someone completely irrational.  When will I learn?

The way he shuts down so many necessary discussions with accusations that I am criticizing him.

(WTH? I just said I'd prefer if it was done this way. What is so terrible about stating my preferences? I purposely didn't say there was anything wrong with the way he was doing it. I don't think there is anything wrong with the way it was done. I just prefer this. Is that so terrible?)

The years of marriage counseling and the agreements that go out the window when he's upset. The assertion he repeatedly makes that everything would be fine if only I didn't upset him - even in a minor way.

(Ummmm... .that's life. Isn't a little minor upset to be expected and accommodated for? I didn't design it this way, I'm just pragmatic enough to see that minor upset seems to be a regular occurrence in a day. Why let it ruin the day?)

The accusations that I am complaining or criticizing when I say "Could we eat at 6pm tonight?"

Then when I've put dinner on the table he complains, in front of the kids, that he can't stand the taste of the kale "It's too bitter, I feel like throwing up! I can't eat this!"

(Ummm... .isn't that complaining?)

The crazy making roller coaster of emotions that take me through another loop-de-loop into the looking glass.

Am I loosing my mind?

Is it really me who is off here.

I check in with my friends (tho' after 8 years they are getting sick of hearing the same old stories, so I stop telling them) and the reality checks seem balanced. It seems like I'm not insane.

We visit the Marriage Counsellor and I spend most of the time sitting quietly in my chair as the Counsellor says almost verbatim what I say so often. Hubby doesn't go off on him the way he goes off on me. Tho' even that has started to slip lately. Hubby has begun to go off on the Counsellor, goading him and showing him a small taste of the nasty I alone have the "honour" of experiencing in private (or in front of the kids till I walk away).

Today I prayed. And today my look around for some answers led me from gaslighting to BPD.

And the clouds parted, and the angels sang.

I'm not crazy. There is a reason this amazing man I am married to; this wonderful provider; this helpful partner; this loving father; this attentive lover; sometimes turns into this ass crazy #$#@ of a hurtful turd and lashes out all of us, over the tiniest thing.

Burnt toast. A missed ferry. An inopportune phone call. A random conversation between one of our daughters and I (he's not even part of of the conversation). The list of things that set him off are endless and mindboggling for me.

I was just interrupted in writing this by my 6 year old (who is much like her father and who I now suspect also has BPD) waking up and me taking her to the potty for her midnight pee. She spent 20 minutes raging at me for it. This is a regular occurrence in waking or sleeping hour. The rages as minor inconveniences are mindboggling to me.

I and my 14 year old daughter (different father) watch the other two fly into rages over (to us) minor upsets and we shake our heads in disbelief. How can someone get so upset over such minutiae, we wonder?

The wrong spoon - ruins breakfast. The wrong container in the lunch box - ruins lunch. Not being the first one to wash her hands - ruins dinner. It all has to go back to the beginning. We have to start over again. (great some OCPD mixed in with the BPD).

I hate you mommy. It's all your fault. I love you mommy, best of all. 20 minutes between the two. Then back again for another round. Several times a week we go over this ground. Well worn grooves abound in our house.

And today the clouds parted, the angels sang and I realized it's not going to change. He and she will always be this way.

He is not going to magically heal his (what I though were) shame based wounds. He's going to keep on freaking out over (what seems to me to be) little itty bitty things.

I need to stop trying to reason with him. I need to validate his feelings and walk away before he causes more damage.

I need to find out more so I can assess whether I will stay. Or whether I will go. Which is the best way for me to help? I hope time will tell.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[an0ught]

Welcome DancingDen!



BPD is complex, certainly more complex than the song sheet above but once you get the hang of it things get much easier. It requires practice of skills, nothing new for someone who is singing  .

We visit the Marriage Counsellor and I spend most of the time sitting quietly in my chair as the Counsellor says almost verbatim what I say so often. Hubby doesn't go off on him the way he goes off on me. Tho' even that has started to slip lately. Hubby has begun to go off on the Counsellor, goading him and showing him a small taste of the nasty I alone have the "honour" of experiencing in private (or in front of the kids till I walk away).

Yeah, that can be perplexing. How can we be treated so different than others. A lot has to do with the enmeshed state of the relationship and lack of boundaries.  With the Counsellor once the relationship gets closer and boundaries fall then some controls are failing. Careful re-introduction of targeted boundaries can help quite a bit to reverse the current status quo. Not easy but doable.

to the board,

a0

[MercuryHat]

Thank you for the welcome, anOught.

I'm still getting my BPD legs. Lots to learn and practice!

The biggest thing I'm gonna have to grok is that in order to survive my relationship, I will have to let go of any desire for "fair". I am realizing that he has a... .disability... .inability... .what-cha-ma-call-it -  that is isn't gonna change and I'm gonna have to accommodate for.

I have been resistant to this for so long, but that is the only way we are going to survive. I'm going to have to practice being grown up 98% of the time, be happy for his 60-80% grown up-ness, while forgiving his descent into tantrums and sticking silent treatments - as I compassionately walk away.

Even now my ego rails at this. It doesn't fit with my concept of fair!

But I'm gonna have fair, or I'm gonna have my family intact.

I'm starting to understand I'm just not gonna get both in this relationship.

Let the grieving begin!

[OffRoad]

Hi DancingDen,

I am so glad you found this site. It helped save my sanity. You could have written my own married life story. It's scary how we begin to feel like we are the insane ones until we realize what it going on. I have to admit, I feel so much better now, and since I've been reading and posting here, have managed to side step several arguments.

Keep your outside interests and friends, and read and post here. It will help a lot.

[MercuryHat]

Hi OffRoad,

I've got so much to learn. I'm still looking around and finding gems 'round here. There sure are a lot of other folks in similar situations. How sad. How gratifying at the same time - we are not alone and crazy anymore!

anOught. You wrote

Careful re-introduction of targeted boundaries can help quite a bit to reverse the current status quo. Not easy but doable.

Can you direct me to more reading on "targeted boundaries"

I would like to work with him to negotiate and set some *realistic* clear and understood/pre-agreed limits on behaviour.

A little experienced guidance could be useful in this.

So far I've been flying on instinct. I'm sure anyone reading this can appreciate how difficult it has been at times for me to continue to trust my instinct while in relationship with BPD. Good thing I'm pigheaded!

[takingandsending]

Hey, DancingDen.

Targeted boundary information can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Basically, in defining our boundaries, it works best to consider what your core values are, the ways that you try to treat others, the basic beliefs that you hold that make you who you are. Those core values or beliefs form the foundation of boundaries that you need to survive in a relationship.

Another way of saying this, some stuff pisses you off, but you can accept it. Other stuff really undermines and contradicts who you are and what you believe in, and accepting that will gradually eat away at your health and self esteem. With BPD, the other stuff is where the boundaries are needed.

Next big thing is to be consistent with the boundary. People with BPD struggle with inconsistent boundaries - it creates more chaos v. reducing chaos.

What sorts of things do you feel are central to who you are and how you need things to go?

[tortuga]

It really *is* an "aha-moment" when you realize that you're not the one who's insane.

I started therapy years ago (not sure, 5? 6?), and with the help of my therapist, recognized that I had issues. (codependency).  I went through the (excellent) Jon Bradshaw book.  Worked through it.  I made changes, over the years.  Worked on skills, boundaries, the works.  Things did improve - by uBPDw does not see that.  The main reason I still even see my therapist is because I keep questioning my own judgment, and my therapist is kind of the cowboy that keeps herding me back towards sanity. (otherwise, I buy-into my uBPDw's delusional thinking, and head off the ranch). 

It's definitely NOT a destination, but it's a journey.  And along the way, you can continually end up walking in circles, getting lost, but eventually find your way back, and when you do, you see the path and get that "aha" moment. 

It feels so good, because it's actually Validation.

[an0ught]

Hi MercuryHat,

takingandsending has given you a good link. You will find more material in our workshop section.

A few additional words to provide context. When in a relationship with a pwBPD their extreme behavior results often in us nons to retreat. We shrink our boundaries and only consider few things violations of us - this is not right but this is what happens. Now on the pwBPD side their boundaries expand and take up neutral territory and territory we previously occupied. These enlarged boundaries suffocate us, it is very easy to step on territory that the pwBPD instinctively feels associated with their core. So by us retreating the result became a set-up that provides the pwBPD even more opportunities to get triggered.

Most of the area that is claimed by the enlarged ego of the pwBPD is weakly claimed. In any rationale discussion the pwBPD would deny to claim such an area. Still they get triggered by behavior and stuff that is totally in our realm e.g. how we dress. Once we as nons deny control to the pwBPD in areas which are core to us the pwBPD will retreat to more sensible boundaries (it may take the pwBPD to go through an extinction burst for that to happen) and become less triggered by e.g. how we dress.

As there is no reasoning and more instinctive behavior on the pwBPD side about this that is not a question of specific topics but can transfer to a whole range of stuff. For example becoming not controllable with respect to clothing may impact the pwBPD's sense of boundaries also in the area of getting triggered by our eating and driving.

When I talk about targeted introduction of boundaries it is thus about denying control in areas which are genuinely ours. Since inconsistent boundary enforcement leads via intermittent reenforcement to a more persistent problem what we need to do is picking specific targets and be strict about them. It matters less whether we reassert our clothing, eating or driving identity what matters is that we reassert one consistently. Keep in mind that any change of boundaries will be irritating and upsetting. There is nothing wrong in that as this is unavoidable and a fact of life - change driven by others is resisted even if it is for the best of everyone it won't be welcome and the upset can't be explained away. It take time for people to adjust. Multiple changes should be spread out accordingly.

It would be nice if we could just discuss these changes and mutually agree to them. But that is often not possible. First the pwBPD may not be aware of the unreasonable boundaries on the cognitive level while on the behavioral level they react as if anything we do could affect them. Secondly words don't matter much any boundary change only becomes tangible once it is translated into our behavior. Third changing a single boundary is effectively a win-loose game so agreement will be hard to achieve (if negotiating boundaries it is better to negotiate a whole set which allows for compromises but such negotiations seldom come up in a BPD relationship). At times it is a good idea to communicate where your boundary is NOT to get agreement (that would be controlling) but to minimize the fallout once you are enforcing it. One positive way (going away from win-loose) to talk about boundaries and have common ground is to talk about the values that are behind your boundaries.

I've described here a strategy to push back boundaries where our goal is to reassert our position in the relationship. There is of course the other area we are dealing here sadly often which is significant abuse. There introduction of boundaries should be prioritized by your need for self protection.d

[prayingleo]

Welcome, and I am glad you heard singing!

It is an incredible situation, is it not? We love them, they love us but also make us feel like Alice always falling through the looking glass. In my situation, it is Black and White for my BP, unless it is White and Black-and I never know which it will be until I pick the wrong one. I have come though two years of relationship with a BP, who is rapid cycling through "I hate you , Don't Leave Me" behavior. There are realizations of this behavior, but only on their own schedule and nothing I do can help. I wish you all the best, and please remember to take care of yourself and your children.

[takingandsending]

an0ught,

I am printing that explanation and keeping it close! That was very helpful to me in visualizing the dynamic of how I have shrunk, wife has expanded into my world and been triggered so often. Also, I now see the difference between boundaries for protection from abuse and boundaries to reclaim territory. I think I have been operating mostly in the former. Time to review my values some more.

Thanks.