Feels like Ransom Demands

[Kidnapped]

I know I've been away for quite a while. I had limited contact with BPDd for a while and, not surprisingly, I relaxed a bit. I admit I didn't want to HAVE to think about her issues for a while. I just wanted some peace and quiet between my own ears.

Fast forward - my own situation has changed drastically. I was disabled before, but then lost my voice repeatedly. Turned out, what I thought was some allergic post nasal drip was really happening because my vocal cord was paralyzed. And then, turned out it was paralyzed by a mass growing in my chest. And then, that half of my diaphragm is also paralyzed.  Naturally, I was pretty freaked out at all this news. Realized, I was going to have to tell dd, since I literally couldn't take her calls any more.  Yeah - she freaked, too. Demanded that I come to their place for treatment, since I couldn't really even make a doctor appt by myself. I didn't want to, for reasons anybody here will appreciate. But in the end, I went anyway.

And now, I've been here for months due to constant delays in my treatment. Looks like I'm gonna make it, just a long, long road from here to there. She's been really incredible about making sure I had access to every conceivable kind of treatment, transportation, and such. I have to hand it to her. I know it's not easy dealing with my stuff.  Of course that all came with interference and demands that I be treated according to HER choices and such. I put my foot down - real, real hard about that. But I get to spend lots of time with my beautiful gs, which I don't think would have happened any other way.  So, I do have many things to be grateful for... .  BUT.

But for the fact that her symptoms are still out of control a good deal of the time.  Sometimes, it feels like we're cooperating better than we have in many, many years. But just about the time I am appreciating that, she turns abusive all over again.  There have been the drunks, the wild 3 and 4 trips through the drive-thru with the binge eating, the screaming, the sudden ugly beratings and false accusations, attentiveness interspersed with outright abuse. On each holiday, another massive meltdown. In hindsight, I should have just calendared that stuff. Seen it all before.  That's WHY I didn't want to come here.  It's like... .  things will slow down a little. One of us will crack a joke, and before you know it, it's like good old times. And it's wonderful! For a minute or an hour. Until I relax a little again. And then, WHAM! It's on like a meteor blasted out of the sky. No discernible reason, no uncomfortable topics, no... .  nothing, except what feels like this diabolical ability to sense when I am least expecting it no matter how I try to stay level and calm within myself at all times.  The doors stick. It causes me great pain to open or close them. But they are not fixed. Decorative stuff is done instead.  I'm told I am 'negative' and 'hostile' when I'm basically doing nothing. That I do not 'contribute' sufficiently, though SIL gets 6 figures and she hires a maid when she feels like it.  I paid part of the baby's daycare, as I'm supposedly the reason he's there - even though most days, she will drive him there and then spend the day shopping online or watching teen heartthrobs YouTube for hours on end.  (I'm actually glad to see him in a safe space, and willing to contribute.) Been told I'm an ingrate, a burden, a pita, and all help will cease very soon now, whether I am well or not.  And then, just before I manage to calm down, forgive, and move on again - BLAM! She'll hit me again.  Even SIL says she's much worse when I or her father are present.  (And GOD, I hope that is true! Because, if she was like this all the time?)

But I swear, when I chose that screen name? It was about being emotionally 'kidnapped'. But now, I am quite literally physically kidnapped as well.  I've been in my room pretty much since yesterday, due to the last few rounds of flying verbal nastiness. I can't defend myself - can barely whisper, and I'd only get shouted down and cursed anyway.  And latest, the demand that I move to this area permanently and make that decision right quick, too, because she's pregnant and off her meds.  So, yay?  

SIL is cool. But she found a guy from another culture who won't leave her no matter how badly she treats him, and holds a deep prejudice against admitting to mental illness of any kind. Very predictable. Although, he is a good guy and a good father, so I'm not complaining. He will be traveling for work the next 10 days or so, and I dread his absence. She won't be able to choose one of us as the ally and the other as the enemy while he's gone, so I know I'll be nominated.  She has started DBT on her own, just this past week. And I'm thrilled. I know it's not an instant fix or anything. But I've dreamed she'd make the effort for ages.  

Yesterday I passed the time of day with SIL in full view of DD for a whole 30 seconds just out of earshot, apparently. We were accused of talking about her. Repeatedly. With screaming. And slamming the doors she has long since broken the casements on.  She was not even mentioned. Just paranoid again. Told me when they first married that I was not allowed to speak to him unless she was present. I don't know what she lied about, but it must've been a doozy. At the moment, another screaming meltdown is in progress. I'm in the other end of the house, but I cannot avoid hearing it. Can't just hang up on it. I wish!

I mean, it's true that there will be lots of aftercare located here. But that also means giving up an even harder to find specialist near my home. So I'd have to go back and forth anyway. And at best, maybe break even on my place. And they say they only plan to live here for 3 to 5 years. So then what? I uproot my life and home so they can move on whenever they're ready? (Believe me - what I want or need is definitely not top of the list most of the time.) And I can predict easily that I'm going to get slammed over and over about this until or unless.

I dunno. I mean, I truly dunno. I'm really not up for all this. Not physically. Not emotionally. And if I had an alternative, I would take it in a hot second!  I just keep thinking about getting home again. I own my place. It's not a palace, but it's mine. I have a car there. I have friends there. I know no one here but the family, and that's just not a healthy place to be all the time. I can't actually call any friends at home (not that they get this thing anyway). I'm just tired of spending my time unable to escape the zoo! If I had the strength (or the voice) I'd get into therapy, myself, just to manage this thing internally.  But that's not an option.

I'm sorry. I know this is long. And several months of histrionics. I know it's a total pity party on my part.  I don't do victim very well at all. I usually either keep myself out of these situations, or else leave them once I'm in them. It's just not my thing. I just... .  want to hear a voice of reason, k? Jolt my head out of this bad space, somehow. Been here too long to see daylight, I guess. Can't even go for a walk.  Is there a resource idea or coping strategy I might not have thought of?

Anything you might think of will be appreciated, believe me!   Anyway, thanks for putting up.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello kidnapped,

Wow... .  what an ordeal you are experiencing... .  no voice... .  lack of specialized care at home... .  the abuse of your d... .  so sorry. 

I think if there is any way to get back home you may want to do that... .  you say you can't even go for a walk... .  is this for physical reasons... .  due to your condition?

Does your insurance cover home health care? A health care coordinator to communicate your needs to your docs... .  transportation.  If so, there could be some help there. 

For therapy now... .  you could try this:

Free On-Line Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Program (CBT)

and there are many resources available here as well.

 

lbj

[peaceplease]

Kidnapped,

I am so sorry.  Wow!  I hope that you can find a way to get back home.  Is home health an option for you?   That would be great, if it was.  In my area, we even have a transit van that will transport disabled or elderly to medical appointments.

Wishing you a speedy recovery!  

peaceplease

[Kidnapped]

Hey, thanks! I'll take a look.

The deal is cancer. All indications are that it is in one spot and it's an oddball - not in an organ or anything. But it squished some nerves. Can't  walking because half my diaphragm is paralyzed, so I get winded in about 20 seconds flat.  I should be able to get that repaired. I'm not nearly the first person who ever had that nerve damaged.  (If the nerve doesn't deflate it, the diaphragm pops up and crowds your lung out of the way until they surgically strap it down out of the way.) But not until after the cancer stuff is over. Same with the vocal cord. I have to be in one piece and not trying to heal from surgical stuff when I do that. I have regular Medicare, but they haven't been any too cooperative about home health care in the past. Heck - they almost shut down my cancer care right in the middle because a stupid pre-approval form got mis-coded! Truly - canceled and appt when I was on my way to it, if you can believe. That was one of those instances where DD's temper actually got put to some constructive use. So, it's not ALL horrid. I'm just not in good enough shape to endure the parts that are very well for now.

So I did hire a virtual assistant service to make phone calls and stuff for me. It was a good move, just knowing that I can communicate a little with people by phone when I have to. Surprisingly, most doctors offices will not do email or text. (Been told that by people sitting squarely in front of a computer when they said it, too. Doh!)  So that was a load off.

And I started going to more of my appts. solo, directing test results to voice mail, and such so as not to set DD off because she gets scared.  I had been intended that I get the vocal cord repaired while I was waiting Medicare's permission to live. But I had a really, really bad gut feel about the place where it was to be done, and canceled it until later. I don't regret making that call. I do trust my gut on such things, and it is absolutely my right to determine who sticks a knife in my throat - literally. But man - I may never hear the end of it. The threats and accusations were/are crazay. Mainly because... .  it takes a little bit of patience to hear me, and that cannot be countenanced.  I know this whole thing scared her, and she went into overdrive.  Truthfully, the only time I was able to back her off at all was when she declared that she intended to stop all help in a couple of weeks because I wasn't doing it her way. I finally lost my temper and threatened to stop all treatment. She jumped from I hate you to don't leave me for just long enough to admit to the pregnancy. (Who else would threaten your life rather than announce a baby?)

But I will go check out that site right now, before the next round.  

Thanks so much!  

   

[qcarolr]

kidnapped -   

So glad you found the virtual assistant. Sounds like this gives you back some sense of control of your own life. Are you able to email or text any of your friends from home? Can they give you some support? Hope the online CBT helps.

It is really a BPD craziness how terrified they get of losing us and those feelings drive their behaviors so far out that we really don't want anything to do with them. So hard this is. Struggled with my DD from a very young age with this. And then being pregnant makes things unpredictable too.

How long is the cancer treatment sceduled to take before you can get the nerve damage stuff taken care of? We care so much here about you - keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr  

[Kidnapped]

All of that, Carol.  Was just thinking - when I watch her dissociate (usually attached to one of those paranoid episodes), and then she later doesn't seem to remember - it must make everybody else looked incredibly nutty. You know, people may insist something happened  or that they said or did something that they don't recall.  If I had people doing that with me, I would definitely think they were off their rockers or incredibly mean. 

I'm going in to the doc's today should get more info on how long all this treatment takes today.

And I am so very thankful that you are here. I hope that you will forgive my absence for so long. And I hope you're doing ok!

[mary290]

Oh Kidnapped, you are going through so much!  Bless your heart.  It is so hard on our health when we are dealing with our BPD loved one and that is the last thing you need.  I will be thinking of you and praying you find relief and that your treatment is successful.  I hope your sweet little gs is bringing you some joy ~ hang in there! 

Mary

[Kidnapped]

Thank you so much, Mary! 

I started targeted radiation today. It was ok, and isn't expected to make me too sick or to cause any wait time before I can go after the other problems. So that was excellent!  I was ready for some good news for a change!

[qcarolr]

kidnapped - thanks for the update on your treatment. Keeing you in my thoughts and prayers for healing.

qcr  

[Kidnapped]

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.  I fell better, just knowing somebody else gets it.  I think my presence here was compromised. My own fault. I left my tablet in the car while inside a doctor appt.  The following day, dd suddenly wanted to discuss her dbt.  And, as if it had been under ongoing discussion, announced that this counselor does not think she has BPD.  We have never EVER discussed it. So, bringing up BPD at all would have made no sense for any other reason. I simply told her I wasn't interested in labels, only in her being happier and feeling better - which is God's honest truth.  I don't care what we call it.

Fast forward several more meltdowns to today. I got some serious harangue in the car on the way to treatment yesterday. I was n a lot of pain, but couldn't get her to hear me ask to delay the discussion.  We went through several ideas about how I could signal her so that she would know I couldn't talk right then. And I insisted we schedule time to work that out today.

It did not go well at all. I knew when we sat down that she was clearly feeling pretty hostile toward me. So I tried to limit the 16 pages of things I wanted to say to just finding that 'talk later' signal, and then asked what she felt we most needed to deal with next.  Wrong. Move. Or, maybe not.  I've known for weeks that my presence is hugely resented, that my need for care is an unwanted burden.  At least she came right out and said she didn't want to do any of it any more.  I am still 'hostile' and an endless 'victim' and a complete 'ingrate', and this is all taking too long.  But at least she said it out loud, and I won't kid myself into believing it's anything other than what it is. The ransom was for real, and I didn't 'pay up' as directed.

And so  I let her off the hook. I do two more appointments of radiotherapy, and then I'm outta here.  I'm not sure how I'm going to able to handle the rest of the treatment and surgery stuff. Maybe I can't.  But it can't be any worse than this, really. I mean, even if I don't make it, at least I won't be doing it with a face full of hate and resentment each and every day. That's no way to live. It also doesn't offer one much incentive to want to get up tomorrow and face another day of that. So, I'm done. And I will return to NC status, probably permanently.   

The worst of it is going to be leaving my gs here. I'm going to miss him terribly and don't know if I will ever get to see him again. He's been my main reason for keeping on keeping on, and really, my main strength. He doesn't judge, and he doesn't back down. He's full of love and curiosity and excitement about even the smallest things - and that is the person I most want to be, too! I started out that way, and like the rest of us, that's who I still am under all this 'grown-up' hassle and complication. Difference is, he just... .  DOES it. I have to work at it pretty hard, because I keep getting sucked into other stuff, you know? Anyway, lots to think about and do now.  Gonna go have a properly 'ungrateful hostile victim' cry over it all, and then see what comes next.