Hi MdW,
And
Do I rapidly do something or anything to move on or do I try and win her back? If I try and win her back, where do you start with a BPD person?
You seem undecided about whether or not you should try to win her back. And whether or not you will be given the opportunity to win her back is also up to your BPD loved one.
I'd like to explain some of my understanding of this disorder and relate it to your experience and hopefully this will help you make an appropriate choice as to how to move forward from here. Either way, whether you choose to disengage and detach or to work towards saving and improving your relationship, having a better understanding of the nature of this disorder will assist in your endeavor.
Our first 2 months together was out of this world. We agreed to take things slowly and did not sleep together for the first month of dating. We would go on dates that lasted until 4am in the weekday just to be together. We were both madly in love.
After the second month I started noticing strange behaviour. It did not happen gradually, it all happened on one night... .
She invited me for dinner at her place one evening. When I arrived I could sense her behaviour changed... .
As I understand it, for people with BPD (pwBPD) feelings of familiarity and intimacy seem to be a consistent trigger for their disordered feelings and behaviors. So this might be why, in the beginning of your relationship when your familiarity/intimacy was only beginning to develop, she did not exhibit many disordered behaviors. This allows the "honeymoon stage" to happen for pwBPD. I imagine for her, she was elated with the prospect that perhaps with you, she would not experience any of these disordered feelings.
But for whatever reason, after the 2nd month she started to experience disordered feelings probably associated with fear of abandonment/betrayal (for some it is denigration). So in spite of your actual intentions and behavior, she felt very strongly that you would abandon her. And for pwBPD, they try to reconcile their feelings with their intellectual understanding of their situation. But very often, for pwBPD, their disordered feelings overwhelm them to the point that their memories are reshaped to accommodate their disordered feelings.
There were suddenly long periods of silence and awkwardness and I told her I had to go home. She started crying, begged me not to leave her and hysterically and ran to the kitchen. I asked her to tell me what I could do as I did not know how to make her feel better. She then opened the window on the fifth floor of her apartment and threatened to kill herself by jumping if I left.
And it is in reaction to this disordered perception that they will be abandoned (real or imagined), that they will make frantic efforts in order to avoid this abandonment. Some pwBPD will use the threat of suicide to avoid abandonment (real or imagined).
From there on it just got worst, more moments of silence, she didn't trust me, accused me of speaking to people in a rude way (I'm the most polite person there is), told me I was co-dependant, controlling, possessive. She even told me she did not like the way I was looking at her. We went from seeing each other 4 times a week to once a week. Then she started breaking up with me, randomly for no reason.
You see, even though she could see outwardly that you felt lovingly towards her, her disordered feelings reshaped her perception. She (imagined) that you could not be trusted, because she
felt that she would be betrayed.
She began to seek distance from you -- likely because it was her feeling of closeness to you that was triggering these disordered feelings and thoughts.
And the best way to avoid abandonment is to be the one who abandons first, and so she breaks up with you. And after her disordered feelings subside, she'd return, but only until her disordered feelings were triggered again. etc.
I had to cancel my 32nd birthday party because she broke up with me the day before in June 2016. She then broke up with me officially at the rearranged birthday party in July whilst I was hosting 40 of my friends.
I've noticed that occasions of familial or intimate importance, such as birthdays, family celebrations, anniversaries, weddings, can be significant triggers for their disordered feelings.
Unfortunately something coincidental and terrible happened. The day after we agreed that we'd speak in September or October - leaving things on good terms, my best friend's boyfriend messaged her something inexplicable which made her think I broke her trust. She blocked and deleted me from all contact. I gathered evidence to prove my innocence, but she's not spoken to me since 14th August. I have messaged her three times since, I know she received the messages, but she is not responding. I don't want to be a creep and turn up at her home to talk. I am also convinced that she actually might not care about me at all.
Maybe it was your best friend's boyfriend's message. Maybe not. The specifics do not matter. I imagine your BPD loved one felt overwhelmed by her disordered feelings and decided to blame you for her feelings.
In any case, I don't want you to go on a wild goose hunt, trying to recollect what you could have specifically done or not done to have avoided this outcome. You need to consider, that the very things that you are seeking in a relationship with her: intimacy, closeness, family; these are the same things that aggravate her disorder.
This is not to say that it is impossible to have a relationship with someone with BPD. But the way you relate to a pwBPD needs to be managed in order to limit the degree of instability and intensity that will occur in such a relationship.
It has only been a month. It is short in the bigger scheme of things, however I cannot get her out of my mind. I struggle to accept that I was just another person to her. I love her despite the terrible treatment.
And as difficult is it may be to carry on a relationship with someone with BPD. It is also difficult to disengage and detach from such a relationship. Either choice presents significant (but different) challenges.
A part of me (heart) believes that we were meant to be and that the disorders are improvable and curable.
Recovery is possible, if the pwBPD choose such an endeavor. But this choice can be a very hard choice for many reasons I won't go into right now.
The sensible part of me (brain) is telling me to run as fast as I can and to come to the realisation that what we had wasn't real. Realistically I don't think there is anything to fight for because I lost her anyways. She does not want me.
For now, it seems that she is choosing to blame you for her disordered feelings rather than face the prospect that she has deep issues to work through (she has already admitted to having been diagnosed with BPD). But if this should change in the future, you will need to decide how best to move forward.
In any case, you are in the right place.
Best wishes,
Schwing