Child Arrangements Order Necessary?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all, thanks for reading.  My partner/ex and I have a very nearly one year old son and he has parental consent because I named him on the birth certificate, we are not married.  He is volatile and vindictive and he has often said that when I have stopped breastfeeding and our son no longer needs me so much, he will be able to spend time with him without having to deal with me (and he wonders why I'm not keen to stop breastfeeding!).  He has suggested having days out with him and in fact seems to relish the idea, be really looking forward to it.  In a normal relationship this would be great, but I am very worried about his behaviour with our son, because he is easily angered and impatient and I just don't think he will understand that a small child needs to be given extra chances.  It's worrying.  Apart from that, I also worry that he will feel vindictive and not return him when he is supposed to.  He already accuses me of 'taking his son away' by refusing to move in with him though I've never prevented or even suggested preventing them seeing each other, if anything I facilitate it and he's often too busy to stop what he's doing to speak to his son.  I suspect and hope that having a child around and no-one to help look after him will turn out to be too much bother for him and he won't want to do it very often, it will also turn out to be expensive since he might need to buy him food (and he's never very keen on spending money on other people, he hasn't given me a penny of maintenance) and will probably hamper his plans, so I suspect he'll return our son and maybe even try to spoil my plans by doing it early.  He might also prove to be unreliable in coming to collect him when he says he will, because his agenda is far more important than anyone else's, all of which helps me to keep custody I'm sure.  What worries me though is that he has a house in Wales, where he goes sometimes to stay when he's not taking advantage of my heating, hot water and stocked fridge.  We have never been to court but in a recent police interaction, the police pointed out that if he took our son to Wales they would not be able to intervene and bring him back.  I wonder therefore whether I ought to apply for a Child Arrangements Order (I think the new name for a Residence Order) which means our son must live with me but also must see his father at pre-arranged times.  I haven't done it yet because I wanted to avoid unnecessary angst but as my son grows up it becomes more and more of a worry.  I wonder if one is able to take someone to court without starting an argument with them, it should be seen as a protective measure in everyone's best interest, because it guarantees him the contact he so worries about (needlessly) and puts my mind at rest about him kidnapping our son.  It's expensive and potentially conflict-filled, I don't know whether it's a good idea or whether I should rely on him *probably* not behaving so awfully, even though he knows that would be my worst nightmare and when he threatens to kill me I'm pretty sure he'd love to enact my worst nightmare.  Isn't BPD dreadful, when most of the time he says he loves me so very much and is very grateful for my wonderful mothering, even in the face of his awful moods... !  I can't win, clearly, but what would be best for my son?  And what will be most grateful for when he's grown up?  That I took his father to court or that I trusted him not to misbehave.  I think I've answered my own question; if I love my son and I'm being the stable, sensible, caring one then I will do anything to protect him, even if it means upsetting his father and incurring his wrath (and let's face it, I'll have to do that anyway over a hundred other things!).

[agapanthus]

Hi all, thanks for reading.  My partner/ex and I have a very nearly one year old son and he has parental consent because I named him on the birth certificate, we are not married.  He is volatile and vindictive and he has often said that when I have stopped breastfeeding and our son no longer needs me so much, he will be able to spend time with him without having to deal with me (and he wonders why I'm not keen to stop breastfeeding!).  He has suggested having days out with him and in fact seems to relish the idea, be really looking forward to it.  In a normal relationship this would be great, but I am very worried about his behaviour with our son, because he is easily angered and impatient and I just don't think he will understand that a small child needs to be given extra chances.  It's worrying.  Apart from that, I also worry that he will feel vindictive and not return him when he is supposed to.  He already accuses me of 'taking his son away' by refusing to move in with him though I've never prevented or even suggested preventing them seeing each other, if anything I facilitate it and he's often too busy to stop what he's doing to speak to his son.  I suspect and hope that having a child around and no-one to help look after him will turn out to be too much bother for him and he won't want to do it very often, it will also turn out to be expensive since he might need to buy him food (and he's never very keen on spending money on other people, he hasn't given me a penny of maintenance) and will probably hamper his plans, so I suspect he'll return our son and maybe even try to spoil my plans by doing it early.  He might also prove to be unreliable in coming to collect him when he says he will, because his agenda is far more important than anyone else's, all of which helps me to keep custody I'm sure.  What worries me though is that he has a house in Wales, where he goes sometimes to stay when he's not taking advantage of my heating, hot water and stocked fridge.  We have never been to court but in a recent police interaction, the police pointed out that if he took our son to Wales they would not be able to intervene and bring him back.  I wonder therefore whether I ought to apply for a Child Arrangements Order (I think the new name for a Residence Order) which means our son must live with me but also must see his father at pre-arranged times.  I haven't done it yet because I wanted to avoid unnecessary angst but as my son grows up it becomes more and more of a worry.  I wonder if one is able to take someone to court without starting an argument with them, it should be seen as a protective measure in everyone's best interest, because it guarantees him the contact he so worries about (needlessly) and puts my mind at rest about him kidnapping our son.  It's expensive and potentially conflict-filled, I don't know whether it's a good idea or whether I should rely on him *probably* not behaving so awfully, even though he knows that would be my worst nightmare and when he threatens to kill me I'm pretty sure he'd love to enact my worst nightmare.  Isn't BPD dreadful, when most of the time he says he loves me so very much and is very grateful for my wonderful mothering, even in the face of his awful moods... !  I can't win, clearly, but what would be best for my son?  And what will be most grateful for when he's grown up?  That I took his father to court or that I trusted him not to misbehave.  I think I've answered my own question; if I love my son and I'm being the stable, sensible, caring one then I will do anything to protect him, even if it means upsetting his father and incurring his wrath (and let's face it, I'll have to do that anyway over a hundred other things!).

[Panda39]

Hi agapanthus,

What is in the best interest of your son?

Not what is less upsetting for his dad or easier for you, but what is best for your son?

Panda39

[takingandsending]

Hi agapanthus.

I am truly sorry for the difficult situation you find yourself in. I can't recall, but is your ex partner formally diagnosed BPD? As you have already worked out, you are not likely to satisfy your ex's demands by giving in to them, but you may not provide the protection your young son needs. I recall in my marriage facing similar decisions, and often making the decision to "keep the peace", not that there ever was any significant peace. I admit and see now that I did not do what was best for my oldest son. I allowed my ex wife to justify her abusive anger toward him under a whole variety of reasons and rationales that had my head spinning. Deep down, I always knew that the reasons and rationales didn't add up. And in the end, the "peace" that I kept wasn't enough for me to be able to stay. I paid a high price for something that never really helped anyone - ex wife, son or me.

It sounds like you know, in your heart, that what is best for your son is not to run from this conflict. If your ex has threatened to harm you, you have a cause for limiting his interactions with your son to supervised visits only. Gradually, over time, if your ex improves, actively works to recover from his illness, and shows consistency in being there for your son, then those limitations can be eased. But in the meantime, in your son's best interest, setting forth a legally enforceable parent plan with limitations on your ex seems really appropriate.

This is a very personal decision, and it doesn't have to be any one way, but the common experience on these boards likely supports some form of legally recognized parental agreement and protections.

[Turkish]

Have you reached out to local recources to help support you in this? Given his threats and Instability it would be a good idea.  A local DV hotline might help direct you,  and it would he fid to talk with a live, local voice with expertise in these matters.  In the USA where I am,  unless there is a custody order,  both legal parents have equal rights,  hence the concern about him taking your baby. 

[FSTL]

I have a CAO with my ex.

Cafcass will meet you and your children and I would be 100% certain you will get control over your son, with only minimal contact with the father. I would be documenting everything he does so you can discuss it with Cafcass.

Do you have real evidence of BPD? I diagnosis. If not, then it gets tricky as Cafcass are not (in my experience) trained to deal with PD's. I made the mistake of bad mouthing my ex (although in response to her allegations and with the caveat that none of it was relevant to resolving matters for the kids).

Be ready for lots of lying and blaming and don't be surprised if Cafcass believe it. They tend to accept the first thing they hear. Very off putting when you have to defend yourself.

So, bottom line... .get evidence and be ready for a high conflict process.