Is There Anything I Can Do? I Still Love Her...

[Depression = 72% of members]

HELP! My ex-fiancé cheated and left me. It is a long story, but please read and help me out. I love her with all my heart and really need help!
My ex and I had a long distance relationship for around 3 years. After that we lived together for 2 years. We got engaged during this time. I will say things started ruff and due to legal reasons will refrain from saying things, but for the first 6 months she was harsh more than emotional ways. If you get the point. I eventually convinced her that this was not how relationships worked and if she didn’t stop I could not stay with her. Things got better.
We had ups and downs, but our relationship seemed to grow. We got engaged in Nov of 2020 and she seemed excited. We looked at marriage but she always wanted much more than I could afford. This caused issues. Originally she didn’t even want a weeding but now she wanted the moon. Then she wanted a massive honeymoon. She refused to marry me unless something huge came from it.
Well, during COVID she started working for a friend while starting off her reality career. She claims I didn’t support her but I did. I tried to get her to wait until the kids got their driver license in a couple of years but I really supported her. Every time I try to work her dreams into what works for the family she just says I said “No” but I didn’t. Well, the person she was working for was a guy friend she knew before I arrived. When we first moved into together to stole an old phone and took it too work so a friend could hack it to see if I cheated while we are in the long distance relationship. I didn’t but she accused me of it anyway, as I broke up for about 2-3 months and did have a girl during that time. I broke up with her before I dated the other girl. Also, she was overbearing so that concerned me. Well, we got back together and I terminated the relationship with the other girl. I was NEVER unfaithful. Any girl that ever sent me a sexy pic I was yelled at for and removed from my friends list. Well, she has a lot of guy friends. She promised that she never had a relationship or slept with any of them. This included this boss/friend.
Well, during a deployment we broke up too for 6 weeks. She was with another guy during that time and even went to Vegas with him. She ditched him when I came back, but she lied and said it was a 1 night stand. It was far from it I found out later. I caught her in several lies. She lies a lot.
Well, Jun 2021 he left me. I was shocked. It was a small fight yet she left me. She moved in her parents and I tired to get her back. I begged her with 3 dozen roses, bought a 5ft teddy bear, and helped save her big one night. See, she love country dancing and I can’t lead. Well, I was at a dance class after a long day of work. At around 10pm I received a call and she was super drunk. She was on the opposite side of San Antonio. Well, I got cleaning supplies and clothes and drove to her. I opened the door and was instantly covered in vomit. She was going to call her boss but decided to call me instead as she was embarrassed and had to go clean her buildings. I helped clean her. I sat in the vomit. Drove her to her buildings and cleaned with her. We danced together to our song and she promised to come back.  I even hired a personal mariachi band and she had a private concert on her front lawn, just the two of us for an hour. She said we should talk to her parents. We did and she was coming home that weekend. She didn’t.  I talked with her. She was mad at me for “bribing” her. I was shocked. We went out to eat. She thanked me and came home the following week. During this whole time trying to get her back I lost over 12lbs, woke up shaking, and was constantly sick. It sucked!
Well, a little under a week we went to the therapist I was seeing. She said things were better and she was happy. She said I needed to give her space when she is mad and stop worrying she might leave again. The next day I found messages popping up on her ipad she left at home. I didn’t go looking for it. She left it there and the messages popped up in front of me. There were messages about having sex and what she wanted to do with this guy. I instantly knew who it was too. I opened it up and it was! She was sleeping with her boss/friend. When she came home, all happy, she knew something was wrong. She said they were just messages that she was having fun with. They had sex before we had met and she was truly sorry. She stated she had been cheated on and felt awful. I asked if she was having an affair and she denied it over and over again. I said it was him or me. She chose me. I blocked him on everything. She still worked her night buildings but I went with her. I was paranoid. A week later, she left.
Now, we live in the same apartment complex, surprise! Not thrilled about it and she keeps in touch. Every time I start to get over her she comes around. Well, the other day I saw him and flipped him off. I went over and he laughed admitting they were having an affair. She has her nervous laugh going and they walked off. Later she apologized and admitted (only a few days ago) to the whole affair. To make it worse, she said she initiated it as she was bored and unhappy in the relationship. I was not perfect but I loved her deeply and was very good to her. I felt her slipping away, posting nothing on social media about us anymore, partying with her reality friends, and arguing that I wanted her to go out with me and intimate more than once a month. I didn’t know there was an affair most of the time.
Now she is cold, doesn’t know if she wants to date me in the future. She will go out with me a little, she even went trick or treating as I was helping raising her son and my kids wanted him too.
Her family says she has commitment issues. They weren’t happy when she left me. One believe is cheated on a previous partner too, but she denies it…so, who knows. She refuses therapy as she claims it’s a “white person thing”. She is Hispanic. Yes, I know that is not a race (it’s an ethnicity), but that is what she says. I love her and want her back. I love her. She keeps telling me to date others. I have and she when I mentioned going out she got excited at the idea I might be dating around. I don’t want others, I want her! I truly love her. I have blocked her on things and that angers her, but I don't know what else to do. If I try to get her back, it makes her nicer and then angry. If I remove myself it angers her and she attacks. What do I do? I know it will be a process, but how do I get her back into me, ditch her long time “friend”, and get help? She is so empty and has a lot of shame she traps deep down. She get bored and gives up easily. How do I solve this? Please ask any questions. I have no shame. Yes, I am probably co-dependent and starting to work on that. I am also working on being less needy. I was not so needy though before I felt her pulling away. Again, please help!

[ThatConfusedGuy]

HELP! My ex-fiancé cheated and left me. It is a long story, but please read and help me out. I love her with all my heart and really need help!
My ex and I had a long distance relationship for around 3 years. After that we lived together for 2 years. We got engaged during this time. I will say things started ruff and due to legal reasons will refrain from saying things, but for the first 6 months she was harsh more than emotional ways. If you get the point. I eventually convinced her that this was not how relationships worked and if she didn’t stop I could not stay with her. Things got better.
We had ups and downs, but our relationship seemed to grow. We got engaged in Nov of 2020 and she seemed excited. We looked at marriage but she always wanted much more than I could afford. This caused issues. Originally she didn’t even want a weeding but now she wanted the moon. Then she wanted a massive honeymoon. She refused to marry me unless something huge came from it.
Well, during COVID she started working for a friend while starting off her reality career. She claims I didn’t support her but I did. I tried to get her to wait until the kids got their driver license in a couple of years but I really supported her. Every time I try to work her dreams into what works for the family she just says I said “No” but I didn’t. Well, the person she was working for was a guy friend she knew before I arrived. When we first moved into together to stole an old phone and took it too work so a friend could hack it to see if I cheated while we are in the long distance relationship. I didn’t but she accused me of it anyway, as I broke up for about 2-3 months and did have a girl during that time. I broke up with her before I dated the other girl. Also, she was overbearing so that concerned me. Well, we got back together and I terminated the relationship with the other girl. I was NEVER unfaithful. Any girl that ever sent me a sexy pic I was yelled at for and removed from my friends list. Well, she has a lot of guy friends. She promised that she never had a relationship or slept with any of them. This included this boss/friend.
Well, during a deployment we broke up too for 6 weeks. She was with another guy during that time and even went to Vegas with him. She ditched him when I came back, but she lied and said it was a 1 night stand. It was far from it I found out later. I caught her in several lies. She lies a lot.
Well, Jun 2021 he left me. I was shocked. It was a small fight yet she left me. She moved in her parents and I tired to get her back. I begged her with 3 dozen roses, bought a 5ft teddy bear, and helped save her big one night. See, she love country dancing and I can’t lead. Well, I was at a dance class after a long day of work. At around 10pm I received a call and she was super drunk. She was on the opposite side of San Antonio. Well, I got cleaning supplies and clothes and drove to her. I opened the door and was instantly covered in vomit. She was going to call her boss but decided to call me instead as she was embarrassed and had to go clean her buildings. I helped clean her. I sat in the vomit. Drove her to her buildings and cleaned with her. We danced together to our song and she promised to come back.  I even hired a personal mariachi band and she had a private concert on her front lawn, just the two of us for an hour. She said we should talk to her parents. We did and she was coming home that weekend. She didn’t.  I talked with her. She was mad at me for “bribing” her. I was shocked. We went out to eat. She thanked me and came home the following week. During this whole time trying to get her back I lost over 12lbs, woke up shaking, and was constantly sick. It sucked!
Well, a little under a week we went to the therapist I was seeing. She said things were better and she was happy. She said I needed to give her space when she is mad and stop worrying she might leave again. The next day I found messages popping up on her ipad she left at home. I didn’t go looking for it. She left it there and the messages popped up in front of me. There were messages about having sex and what she wanted to do with this guy. I instantly knew who it was too. I opened it up and it was! She was sleeping with her boss/friend. When she came home, all happy, she knew something was wrong. She said they were just messages that she was having fun with. They had sex before we had met and she was truly sorry. She stated she had been cheated on and felt awful. I asked if she was having an affair and she denied it over and over again. I said it was him or me. She chose me. I blocked him on everything. She still worked her night buildings but I went with her. I was paranoid. A week later, she left.
Now, we live in the same apartment complex, surprise! Not thrilled about it and she keeps in touch. Every time I start to get over her she comes around. Well, the other day I saw him and flipped him off. I went over and he laughed admitting they were having an affair. She has her nervous laugh going and they walked off. Later she apologized and admitted (only a few days ago) to the whole affair. To make it worse, she said she initiated it as she was bored and unhappy in the relationship. I was not perfect but I loved her deeply and was very good to her. I felt her slipping away, posting nothing on social media about us anymore, partying with her reality friends, and arguing that I wanted her to go out with me and intimate more than once a month. I didn’t know there was an affair most of the time.
Now she is cold, doesn’t know if she wants to date me in the future. She will go out with me a little, she even went trick or treating as I was helping raising her son and my kids wanted him too.
Her family says she has commitment issues. They weren’t happy when she left me. One believe is cheated on a previous partner too, but she denies it…so, who knows. She refuses therapy as she claims it’s a “white person thing”. She is Hispanic. Yes, I know that is not a race (it’s an ethnicity), but that is what she says. I love her and want her back. I love her. She keeps telling me to date others. I have and she when I mentioned going out she got excited at the idea I might be dating around. I don’t want others, I want her! I truly love her. I have blocked her on things and that angers her, but I don't know what else to do. If I try to get her back, it makes her nicer and then angry. If I remove myself it angers her and she attacks. What do I do? I know it will be a process, but how do I get her back into me, ditch her long time “friend”, and get help? She is so empty and has a lot of shame she traps deep down. She get bored and gives up easily. How do I solve this? Please ask any questions. I have no shame. Yes, I am probably co-dependent and starting to work on that. I am also working on being less needy. I was not so needy though before I felt her pulling away. Again, please help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[gracealone2021]

I am so sorry you are going thru this. I know the feeling all too well. This may sting but I think you should cut her off completely. Dude she cheated on you. Keep your dignity and love yourself first. I know it's hard but if you keep trying you will only set yourself up for more heartbreak, more lies, more anxiety driven thoughts, etc. You are not alone and I promise you will get to a point of peace and happiness. Even better, you will find someone who will love you for you and not play these mind games with you. You, hell everyone, deserves real love.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi ThatConfusedGuy, 

Life as it is for you sounds pretty tough right now, and I'm sorry that you even have to go through it. I wanted to share an article that can provide some insight and might be helpful to you:

The Biology of Breaking Up

The bonding in a relationship is strong, and reversing that process is hard. Take it one day at a time.

Wools