16 year old foster child with BPD

[Fosterdude]

Hi  all

Just trying out this forum my 16 year old Foster Daughter has BPD.

We have known her for 7 years but have been fostering her for 6 months. She went through 10 placements in a year before we picked her up.

It's challenging!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi Fosterdude and welcome to the board.  You are in the right place to talk with other people who understand the difficulty in raising a child with BPD.  This is a group of very compassionate and wise people who are doing their best to cope with a difficult situation and I am glad you ahve joined us.

Has your foster child been diagnosed with BPD?  Is she in treatment?  How heartbreaking it is that she has been in 10 different foster placements in a year.  Was it related to her behavior or something else?  

The greatest benefit of this board is having other people in similar situations to speak with.  The other is that we offer tools and Lessons that you can read through and try to implement that will help you and your foster child.  If you look over on the right side of the page you will see a list of links.  I would suggest starting with the lessons before moving on to reading the Tools, but you can go the other way too.

It is good to have you here with us and we look forward to hearing more of your story.

[wendydarling]

Hi Fosterdude 

Let me join Harri in welcoming you to the parents forum, I'm glad you've joined us here.

You've got it, it is challenging!   Following Harri here, what are your biggest challenges right now?

Looking forward to getting to know you and how us parents can best support you.

WDx

[Fosterdude]

Hi all thanks for the quick reply.

While not yet given a formal diagnosis she is under the mental health care system of my country (not usa) Both a psychiatrist and psychologist say she has strong leanings towards BPD.

 She has significant issues caused in part by bad choices on her part and being abandoned by Biological dad, r***d by step-dad, significant mum issues, neglect, emotional abuse etc.

There is lots of stuff going down at the moment like her getting money for pics of her self in a state of undress.

Allowing boys to use her for sex, occasional use of drugs, lack o control of Alcohol, Lack of self care, anxiety, depression, self-harm, suicide risk etc.

She despite having a reasonable relationship with me for 7 years she has put walls up to me making it difficult to connect.

At the moment I would like general advice on how I should relate to her as a foster-dad.

Some "do's and don'ts"  from those who are in the know.

Thank you

Fosterdude

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi fosterdude

I adopted my daughter from foster care, she was 16 when she came to live with us though I had known her for a couple years prior. She too went through about ten placements in a year.

She does not have a formal diagnosis of BPD. She does have diagnoses of complex PTSD (which your girl almost certainly has), ADHD, depression, and anxiety.

There is a book called borderline personality disorder in adolescents that I found helpful.

It's doubly hard with foster kids because they have every reason to believe people will abandon them. So finding ways to set boundaries while also letting them know you're not going anywhere is so very difficult. I don't have all the answers. It has been a long hard road with our daughter. She's 21 now.

For  a long time I did way too much for her because she was emotionally about five when she came to us. I would highly recommend a family therapist if that's an option. Someone well versed in both trauma and BPD.

The one golden piece of advice I can give you is that generally kids will live up or down to your expectations. With BPD foster kids, validate their feelings as much as you can, and then also express your belief that they can do whatever they are frustrated about etc.

Get her as much mental health care as the state will pay for.  

 We lived through everything you are describing. I could write a book. Don't ever be judgemental. It's okay to express concern for her safety but be very careful not to make her feel like there is something is morally wrong with her

She is scared sh**less that you will abandon her. She will push you to the end of your rope to give you a reason to leave.

Feel free to DM me if you want I am five years into this journey

[Fosterdude]

Hi it seems we have some similarities!

Thank you for the advice, I will look at the book so how have things gone now for you how is your daughter?

And what got you through?

Our daughter is in health school which enables her to complete study but in supported way. We take it day at a time and a glad by the fact that she has stayed with us longer than anyone else!

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi FD,

Yes many similarities! That's great that she's in that type of school. We didn't have something like that available to us.

What's gotten me through... .Sheer determination, a fantastic therapist for myself, and my dogs. I honestly don't think I would have made it without the constant unconditional love from my pups.

My daughter still struggles significantly but is better than she has been in a long time. We have a great relationship, which I owe to books like "loving someone with borderline personality disorder" and this wonderful forum. She is a stripper which took me two years to come to terms with but at this point I appreciate her efforts to be independent and try not to live off of us. She still does drugs but isn't addicted though I worry she's becoming an alcoholic.

Our daughter is blessed with a deep sense of empathy that after several years finally made her realize what her behavior was doing to us. I think as her adoptive parents we have an edge over birth parents because we truly saved her life. She and I both believe she likely wouldn't be here if we hadn't stepped in. So if your daughter is like mine, it may take a while but that deep sense of gratitude and your willingness to stick by her no matter what will win in the end.

I am not sure she will ever live a normal life or be "happy" but through the concept of radical acceptance ( which comes from dbt) she is accepting that about herself. She refuses to do actual dbt which would be so helpful for her. If you can get your daughter into dbt you absolutely should

You may want to look at the ACES Survey ( adverse childhood events) and take it on behalf of your daughter. It will give you an idea of what to expect in terms of the severity of her childhood. From what you've described it sounds nearly identical to my daughter. When I took it for her she got a 9/10.

Keep posting and asking questions! We are all here to support you.

Do a better job than me of self care. Spend time for you and only you every day if you can.