How do I convince my dBPD that she is loved and wanted?

[Tazzer4000]

Hey everyone, 
My dBPD16 keeps telling me that she doesn't feel loved by anyone in our house. When I ask what she needs from us to feel loved I either get a shrug, an I don't know,  or vague suggestions of buy me more stuff, take me out, essentially spend more money on me. I can't seem to figure out if she really feels unloved and there is something I could do or if she is trying to guilt me into spending more money on her than I can afford, or if it's just another way to play victim and guilt me into giving her what she wants. Anyone else having/have had this problem? Any suggestions on how to make her feel loved without spending money would be great TV.  Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Any suggestions on how to make her feel loved without spending money would be great

Have you tried validation?  Something like "Gee honey, I am sure it hurts to feel that way.  I know I don't like it when I feel like no one loves me." and then listen to what she says.

Asking what she needs from you to feel loved is kind, I know, but it is also validating the invalid (her belief that she is not loved by offering to prove to her that you do love her) which is something we don't want to do.   We all tend to either be invalidating without meaning to or to validate the invalid by trying to make their uncomfortable feelings go away.  

Does that make sense?

[StressedOutDaily]

Hi Tazzer...my DD16 tells me that sometimes too...and I usually get if you loved me you would buy me X.    Harri,  I am still trying to learn how to validate ... I love your suggestion and will try that next time.

[Harri]

Good luck trying it!  Sometimes the best thing we can do is not invalidate them.  Here is a great article that talks about validation and not invalidating in a great way: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0;all

[Tazzer4000]

I never thought of it as validating the invalid. Next time I will try validating only her feelings, not try to fix it. I guess when she says things like that I feel her pain and I feel guilty that she feels that way. Maybe all she wants is validation. I will definitely give it a shot. Thanks.

[Harri]

Tazzer, none of this is intuitive.     On top of that if were are a rescuer by nature, on top of being a parent who wants to protect and help our kids, it will be even harder.

See what you think of the article.  You can also think of validation being a stepping stool to helping her learn to self-soothe, something pwBPD have a very hard time with.

[Only Human]

I guess when she says things like that I feel her pain and I feel guilty that she feels that way.

I know just what you mean, Tazzer. We hurt when our children hurt, we are mothers who love our children with all our heart and soul and we want them to be happy, feel loved, all the time. When my DD was very young she told me she didn't feel like part of the family. Looking back, my response was very invalidating. It was something along the lines of, "What are you talking about? You are very much part of this family!" ugh. 

Maybe all she wants is validation. I will definitely give it a shot.

Let us know how it goes. As Harri says, it's not intuitive and takes practice, lots of it. If you look back at some earlier posts of members who have been here for some time, you'll see many of us struggled with it.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

My son also feels chronically unloved by just about everyone. He has told me himself that there is nothing I can do to fix it. He has to work it out on his own. It is so hard to see our children suffer. We would do anything to stop their pain but sometimes we really do need to step back a bit and give them the space to heal in their own way.

[once removed]

one of the cruxes of BPD traits is being a generally needy person, having difficulty articulating your needs, getting them met in dysfunctional ways, and self loathing for having needs.

is she perhaps asking for affection? a hug? could she be asking for quality time?

are those things present in your relationship?

[Tazzer4000]

When she was home, I made it a point to do things with her one on one.  I tried to be affectionate but she would just push me away.  When I would tell her I love her, she just says yeah right.  We were very close before she was raped at 12.  Since then her behaviors have become more out of control and abusive towards the family.  I respect her boundaries by asking for hugs but she never wanted them.  I'm at a loss on this one.

[Only Human]

I tried to be affectionate but she would just push me away.  When I would tell her I love her, she just says yeah right.

Oh man, does this sound familiar! My DD went over a year responding, "yeah right," or not at all when I told her I loved her. If I gave her a little touch, she'd flinch and pull away. Incidentally, my DD was abused and raped at age 14 by her 16 yo BF.

once removed posted an important reminder about how pwBPD view themselves. Don't give up, Tazzer. I didn't, and one day out of the blue, from the backseat, DD said, "I love you, mom." I almost burst into tears I was so touched.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tazzer4000]

Thanks OH. I'm trying to learn as much as I can and how to implement it so no matter what happens with my DD, I know I did everything could to be there for her and help her. You all are helping me a lot. It's good to know that some have seen light at the end of the tunnel. Gives me a bit of hope.

[once removed]

there can be discomfort with intimacy with BPD, and certainly with a person that has been sexually abused.

it is possible she doesnt know what to say. it is possible that what shes really saying is "i dont believe you because im not loveable" (shame). its possible shes simply uncomfortable with it.

i dont think that means push her beyond her comfort zone (for example, asking her first isnt a bad idea), or ignore what she says, but "yeah right" isnt the same as "dont say that to me", and it may not be personal.

have you heard of the five love languages?