Verbal abuse

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is it wise to let spouse know that they are being verbally and emotionally abusive to you?

[Happy outside]

Is it wise to let spouse know that they are being verbally and emotionally abusive to you?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Happy outside,

Being verbally and emotionally abused is pretty rough, I'm sorry you're experiencing this in your relationship.

How do you usually respond?

Have you been together long?

Glad you posted, sorry I didn't see your message earlier 

LnL

[butterflylove]

I told my husband a few times that he was. (It later escalated to physical more often, as well). He exploded at me every time. It was horrible... .it made me end up feeling so much worse.

[Happy outside]

How do I normally respond:

 I try like hell to NOT explain myself to him. If there is any explaining on my part, I'm immediately told that I'm defending myself and will never change.

He talks to me like I'm a child, " do you understand me?" "

I'm told that I'm selfish and will never change.

I'm not supposed to go to therapist to talk, I'm there to learn how to change to be a better person/fix our problems.

"Are you implying that I need to see a therapist?"  I ALWAYS tell him no to avoid conflict.

If I try to share my feelings, he routinely says,  "is that really what you think? Because if it is, you're lying to yourself." The glare/look he gives me scares me so I tell him no to try to avoid more conflict.

"Are you saying I'm the one who has the problem and that I(being him) needs to change?"  I ALWAYS tell him no, that I'm the one who has caused these problems.

"The kids hate you and our college daughter is lucky to have escaped."  "You have  been a terrible mother and the kids will always resent you for the way treated them."  I try not to respond to this comment.

"You will never change because you don't even know that what you did or said was wrong. Therefore change is impossible. "

I try to apologize and beg him for his forgiveness.

The list of things he says to me is endless. It has only been recently that he has started glaring at me when he is raging. That look scares me!

We have been married for 22 years.

[butterflylove]

Same here... .Always getting yelled at and spoken to like I'm a child. Amazing- he actually made me feel like one so many times.
I was also selfish and defensive - constantly heard those. Also that I would never change. I was constantly trying so hard and being shot down.
I think it's impossible to reason with them in a way that is normal to you.

[Happy outside]

Same here... .Always getting yelled at and spoken to like I'm a child. Amazing- he actually made me feel like one so many times.
I was also selfish and defensive - constantly heard those. Also that I would never change. I was constantly trying so hard and being shot down.
I think it's impossible to reason with them in a way that is normal to you.

So what do you/have you done?  Are you still in a relationship with this person? 

It hasn't always been this way with us. We would have arguments, but the arguments have escalted/more frequency within the past 5 years.

[butterflylove]

No. It's been about 3 months since we broke up. Believe it or not, I will say luckily his physical violence forced me out. Who knows how long I would have put up with the verbal abuse. His behavior got worse and worse. I think the only way to deal with them is to follow the guidelines you'll find on this website. No matter how reasonable, patient, demure I was... .It never was "right". I sometimes couldn't even get out of bed in the morning without being screamed at, or even be home for 10 seconds. If you're going to stay, you need to learn a completely different way to communicate with them. After learning about BPD, I realized how much effort on your part it actually takes . I could never do it. I already felt I barely had a partner, support, and my whole identity disappeared.