Very New to BPD

[Liza Jane C]

Hello everyone, I am reading the book, "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and I have read about the Welcome to OZ site. I have just recently learned about my son possibly having BPD. There is mental illiness in my whole family. Me being Mom has dealt with severe anxiety, severe depression which were brought on my severe physical health issues starting 5 years ago. My oldest is my daughter who is 39. She is miserable and has been since she was 8, however, we have a reasonably relationship. My most difficult relationship is with my son Robert, not his real name, he is my second child and he is 31. He was misdiagnosed as a teen with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Much later in his adult life he was diagnosed with Harmful OCD and most recently self diagnosed with BPD. He does display MANY BPD traits, but as I've learned it can't be nailed down to any specific traits per say, but each individual is different. How maddening is that? We have struggled to have any sense of a normal relationship since he was a young child. His father was very verbal abusive and rejected his son's everything! His father and I divorced when he was 3 years old. I always thought I was his savior! I thought I was his safe place where he knew he was unconditionally loved. I thought I was the one person that he would say that loved him most.I have had that illusion shattered in this last year, even though it was evident all along, I chose not to see it. We live 750 miles away from each other and I only see him and his family one week a year.  My husband, not Robert's father but Step Father, our youngest child and I moved away 13 years ago and it only got worse. Everything changed! I regretted moving the minute we left the driveway and live with self hating guilt ever since. I got very sick 5 years ago and have been sick since. I have changed as has the whole dynamic of our family because of it. But, last October something shifted and I felt differently towards him for the first time in my life because he was exceptionally brutal. He has been the most abusive person I've ever known towards me. Horribly, horribly abusive his whole life.  And last October not unlike Robert, I did or didn't do something to upset him and he stopped talking to me, which has happened many times in our lives. But it was different for me this time. He hurt me so badly, I couldn't look past how horrible he was to me and I needed space away from him as well. I had no issue not texting him for months. I had no issue not including him and his family in our Holiday celebrations, as he wished or even his birthday. He and his wife had their second child in February and I, having the worst 5 days of my life shortly before their son was born, sent a text to him, his wife, his sister and her husband to be. I was offering help for them and a problem they had that we had hoped would be fixed before the baby came home, and my text was, what most would consider, a generous offer, but  because of the wording in 2 sentences I became the most horrible person in the world and disowned, again! But now 8 months later, not being able to meet my new grandson, much counseling and learning about BPD I began to soften a few months later, I missed him and desperately wanted to meet my new grandson and see my granddaughter again. I've reached out a few times lately only to be screamed at to leave them alone. I laid off for a few more months and just recently send a few more texts offering more apologies, more explanations, more requests to resolve our problems like we have always been able to do and no response. My husband, son and I are going out to where they live in a few weeks and I just don't know what to do or not do. I have let him know we will be there and if he wants to see his step dad and brother he's more than welcome to and I will stay out of the way, but no answer to that either. I won't try to contact him again and won't try to see them while we are there but I'm worried that I will resent him, even hate him for taking himself and his whole family away from me. I'd like to be more prepared before going, but I know so little about how to live this new relationship with a BPD person. Does anyone have any advise for me? I'd love to know how any other parents would behave in similar circumstances. Thank you so much for your help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Liza
Welcome to the group. You did the right thing by joining and posting here. This is the best place for help and support. Many of us, myself included, have found that the skills we learn here have helped us to improve our relationships with our BPD children. First things first and this may sound weird but are you taking care of yourself? That really is step one. You can't help others if you don't first take care of you. Posting here is great self care. So is therapy, exercise, hobbies, whatever brings you joy. Have you thought about a self care plan?

[Liza Jane C]

Hello and thank you for your quick response. Learning to take care of myself is the most difficult thing I've had to learn. Battling with severe physical illness for the last 5 years you'd think taking care of myself would be easy by now, but just the opposite is true. I felt horrible quilt and worthlessness being a sick wife and mother and sibling. My favorite brother and my favorite sister both lost a child, one year apart. One on New Year's Day 2017 and one in early January 2018. One of foul play still unresolved and one suicide. Our family, 9 siblings in all had never been through anything like that before and to have it happen twice in one year was devastating! Not being able to nurture my family was emotionally devastating and contributed to my anxiety and depression which only made getting better harder. I have worked hard to change that within the last 8 months. I've been in counseling for 2 years, starting with health anxiety and now working on grief and family counseling as well. I have been seeing a Psychiatrist for almost a year as well. Other than that I have been learning as much as I can about mental illnesses. All of my 3 children and myself are dealing with one form or another currently. I lost my faith during my illness completely and have recently chosen to establish a new version of my faith and learn as much as I can about forgiveness. I just turned 59 and I think I will never live long enough to learn just about these things much less anything else. But I am determined to continue to find ways for my family to learn more about each other and to accept each other better and to grow better together. Exactly how to do that I think is going to be a learn as you go type thing. Thank you for asking and your interest!

[Liza Jane C]

Just to be clear, I have 9 siblings and 3 children. When I say my family I mean my children, husband and myself.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am so sorry for the loss of those precious children. That must devastating. I can see why coping with your own disability and child's mental health is a lot. Still you are in counseling and seeing a psychiatrist and posting here so you are attending to your self care. If you can manage more self care even better
 You mentioned feeling guilty. What is it you feel guilty about?

[livednlearned]

I am determined to continue to find ways for my family to learn more about each other and to accept each other better and to grow better together.

Me too.

What a lovely way to describe what most of us are doing here, LJC.

You'll fit right in. 

My growth is about learning to speak the language of emotion, the big goal is about becoming fluent. I make a lot of mistakes and I am also communicating better, one word one phrase at a time. We're all learning from each other and from loved ones.

I'm glad you reached out.

It is hard to receive care and love when you are accustomed to being the helper. How does your son view your physical illness?