I'm feeling irritated again

[zaqsert]

Yesterday, and especially today, I find that I am really feeling annoyed at my uBPDw again.  I thought I had done a pretty good job of learning to radically accept who she is and learned to put some boundaries in place for myself.

But now I find myself feeling really irritated with my wife again.  Often, this is a sign of either a boundary that I ignored or a new boundary that I had not previously noticed and had therefore never enforced.

This time what is causing my irritation is my wife's treatment of our D2.  Several days per week, D2 is in preschool, and my wife mostly lays around watching TV.  So, on weekends I want D2 to be able to enjoy some quality time with her mom.  But my wife either watches more TV or does chores, pays bills, or anything else that ends up keeping her away from D2.  To make matters worse, my wife ends up lying to D2 (e.g., "I'll be with you to play in just a minute", but then she spends 45 minutes on the computer and never comes to play).

Adding to my irritation is that I am part way through reading "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better", and I now notice even more invalidating things that my wife says to D2.  I mentioned to my wife how good the book seems, that it has a helpful section on validation with children, and that it has specific examples very similar to what we have been going through with our D2.  Unfortunately, if past experience is a guide, she will ignore the recommendation to read the book.  I could try sharing some of it with her myself, but she is likely to turn against it because it would be coming from me.

So, if my irritation is related to a boundary for my daughter, how do I enforce that?  Perhaps I should try DEARMAN?

I should admit, however, that I am a bit torn, as less contact with my uBPDw would not be so bad, particularly when my wife is dysregulating often.  I just feel that my wife ignoring our D2 so often, and even lying to her, must take a toll on D2.

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[bruceli]

Sounds exactly like my PDw except she expects me to take care of special needs S14... . Oh and let me mention... . this is HER son from a previous marriage.  Exactly, I too would like to know how to set up boundries with this without starting WW3?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi, I know that for myself, it's been a winding road with a peaceful mind one day and completely annoyed with my dBPDbf the next, without him being any different. It just takes time to get to a place of true radical acceptance.

I'm sorry it's hard for you and your daughter at the moment 

How about you write out a DEARMAN or a SET and post it in a new thread for other members to comment? That way you can be well prepared for a talk with your wife.

[zaqsert]

Thanks for your support!

Scarlet Phoenix, good idea.  I will write out a DEARMAN or a SET in a new thread and ask others to comment.

[waverider]

Unfortunately BPD parents often can't provide the support you are looking for, at a consistent level anyway, and no amount of boundaries is going to enable that. If it does'nt genuinely come from the heart it can do more harm than good.

It is more about not allowing your kids to be affected by apparent indifference or abandonment.

[zaqsert]

Unfortunately BPD parents often can't provide the support you are looking for, at a consistent level anyway, and no amount of boundaries is going to enable that. If it doesn't genuinely come from the heart it can do more harm than good.

I'm afraid you're right.  I think this is an area where I keep falling back into hoping that my wife will find a way to be there for D2, even somewhat consistently, only then to realize again that she probably can't.  And when she does, it's not consistent or she gets frustrated and dysregulates.

It is more about not allowing your kids to be affected by apparent indifference or abandonment.

Waverider, you get to the right point so quickly!  This is what I struggle with the most.  I've had great discussions with you and others here, which have helped me to make progress, although I still feel like I have a long way to go.

I am learning to validate my daughter and to create a safe environment for her with me.  Much like I finally learned that I cannot make my wife do anything as it pertains to me, I need to remember that I cannot make her do anything as it pertains to our daughter either.  I suppose there is only so much that I can do to protect my daughter from my uBPDw's ways, but there is still a lot that I can do to help my daughter learn her own worth, irrespective of what my wife may do.

Also, in my frustration, I lost sight of the fact that my wife shared with me recently that she keeps getting to a point where she does not want to take care of our daughter.  It may have been the feeling in the moment that drove her to say this, but it was also probably quite telling.

[waverider]

I still feel like I have a long way to go.

We all do, there is rarely any real end result, but hopefully a worthwhile journey with a little more awareness. Even the most knowledgeable still go through their own struggles and dramas, but probably become less affected personally

  It may have been the feeling in the moment that drove her to say this, but it was also probably quite telling.

The feeling of the moment are the ones that can let the kids down at a crucial moment. This is why there cannot be complete reliance on a BPD parent. Neither can you isolate kids, only make them aware (obviously a future consideration in your case due to age) and ensure you have the important issues covered.

An example I found out about my partner,. When she was a single mum with a 7 year old son, he had a friend over to stay. Normally she over mothered and made a big fuss over him and his friends. This particular time the kids where playing on the skateboards and the friend had a fall. When approached for help she was doing something to her hair in the bedroom, and refused to come out. Even though the kids screaming. Her son had to go next door to call the boys parents who came and picked him up and took him to Hospital with a broken collar bone.

Her ex took her son away from her permanently by the time he was 8. To this day her son who is now 23 holds a deep grudge against her for numerous incidents like this. He says all he ever wanted was a "normal" mum, not to be spoiled then ignored depending on how she felt.

Of course most of the obvious BPD type behavior was hidden by the family, as mental illness did not exist in their family (yeh right, they are all tainted by PDs), and appearances were everything. Its one of the reasons appropriate Treatment or therapy wasn't sought

Unfortunately they can treat kids like their favorite toy to be fussed over or ignored as the mood takes them. You can't change this, but you can work around it as long as you are aware of the limitations.

[zaqsert]

Waverider, thank you for sharing that story.

The cycle of spoiling then ignoring is hard to watch.  I feel fortunate to be around often enough to see when it is happening so that I can be there and be supportive of our daughter.

I would not be surprised if years from now my daughter feels towards her mom something similar to what your wife's son does.  I feel sad thinking about that because I want my daughter to have a full supportive set of parents.  But then I remember that I only have control over what I do, and I will do the best that I can for my daughter.  The relationship that she develops with her mom (my wife) is largely up to my wife.  It really is too bad that my wife does not see it this way (e.g. projection: my wife dysregulates and acts cold towards our daughter, who senses this and chooses not to approach my wife, so then my wife latches onto this single action and accuses our daughter of not wanting anything to do with my wife).

I will continue to share my own parenting lessons with my wife when she seems open to them.  Unfortunately, she often is not open to it and tends not to want to read good books that I mention (or any related books or resources for that matter).  When she is open to it, the changes tend to be pretty short-lived.  Then she reverts back to her normal, often blaming our daughter, me, or anything else external to her.

Thanks again, Waverider.

[Blazing Star]

Ah zaqsert, I know how it feels! It sounds like you are doing Great though, being stable and solid for your daughter.

One thing that has helped me when my partner doesn't want to read the books, is to make notes on the books - to remind myself how I want to parent (also they work well to remind me how to be with him too!), and of course when they are written on the kitchen blackboard he can't help but read them too!

I have some chalkboard vinyl attached to one of the cupboards, and I write notes with a chalkpen about how to validate etc "observe, don't judge" "remember she is doing the best she can for her level of consciousness" "I statements = When this happens, I feel... . " "Is this behaviour working?" "respond wisely, don't react emotionally" etc.

At the very least it helps me not to feel so helpless and frustrated about it all. And reminds me to do the best I can, and to focus on myself and what I can do.

I am also realising that as a parent it is so important that I am feeling good so I can parent the way I want to, otherwise I may fall back into parenting like my parents did. I know this is doubly true for my partner. If he is not in a good space, no matter what he 'rationally' thinks about parenting, he will just act from default, which often isn't all that pretty. I am not sure what it will take for the changes to be more than short-lived like you say.

We can only hope.

Love Blazing Star

[zaqsert]

Thanks, Blazing Star!

I like your suggestion.  Every so often I put a post-it note on my monitor to remind myself of something important for work.  I'll see what I can come up with for notes on the books.

Yeah... . we can only hope.  In the meantime, I suppose I need to work on acceptance in this area too.

[waverider]

Be consistent in your own actions and behavior. Kids can work with that. Inconsistency is the biggest hurdle to healthy development

[DreamFlyer99]

I am learning to validate my daughter and to create a safe environment for her with me.  Much like I finally learned that I cannot make my wife do anything as it pertains to me, I need to remember that I cannot make her do anything as it pertains to our daughter either.  I suppose there is only so much that I can do to protect my daughter from my uBPDw's ways, but there is still a lot that I can do to help my daughter learn her own worth, irrespective of what my wife may do.

Zaqsert, your words "I'm feeling irritated again" jumped right out at me! I am at the moment too with my uBPDh. But your thoughts I've quoted above really hit me.

I grew up with a functional alcoholic for a father and a mother who likely had NPD and BPD. That played out for me as the child that I had very little sense of self since I was the pleaser sort who just kept trying to fix things by making people smile for a moment at least, which mostly meant molding myself to be whatever made them happy. I had ZERO knowledge that their problems were their problems and not mine to try to "fix." So I support you more than I can say in your awareness of the effect your W has on your little girl! Your diligence doesn't mean your D won't need therapy in her adulthood since she's likely going to have issues with her mother, but the fact that you care enough to make sure that teachable little soul knows her worth and what makes her special and that mom's issues are mom's issues, well, WOW. And thank you for being that kind of dad!

[zaqsert]

Be consistent in your own actions and behavior. Kids can work with that. Inconsistency is the biggest hurdle to healthy development

Thanks, Waverider!  Will do.

DreamFlyer99, thank you for your comments -- I appreciate it!

That played out for me as the child that I had very little sense of self since I was the pleaser sort who just kept trying to fix things by making people smile for a moment at least, which mostly meant molding myself to be whatever made them happy.

I can relate to this.  As the peacemaker in my family, for many years whenever someone would ask me about a feeling/like/want/desire, my answer would simply be "I don't know."  Sometimes I probably said it to avoid getting in the line of fire.  But lots of other times, I think I really did not know what I felt, liked, or wanted.

[Blazing Star]

Thanks, Blazing Star!

I like your suggestion.  Every so often I put a post-it note on my monitor to remind myself of something important for work.  I'll see what I can come up with for notes on the books.

Yeah... . we can only hope.  In the meantime, I suppose I need to work on acceptance in this area too.

Post its are a great idea, small, unobtrusive, but hard to miss! You could put a few notes to yourself in places that your W might see too - do let us know if you come up with any other ways to share the parenting info too. Your D is probably a bit young at the mo, but for us, with D4, we are on the newsletter list for the school we are hoping to send her to next year, they have lots of parent education talks etc - which, if you can get your partner to attend with you (so far just me going, but he is open to listening to what I learn).

Love Blazing Star

[zaqsert]

Post its are a great idea, small, unobtrusive, but hard to miss! You could put a few notes to yourself in places that your W might see too

Oops, I left out of my post that my wife has commented on specifics of the post-its on my monitor, so she does see them and read them, at least periodically.

Your D is probably a bit young at the mo, but for us, with D4, we are on the newsletter list for the school we are hoping to send her to next year, they have lots of parent education talks etc - which, if you can get your partner to attend with you (so far just me going, but he is open to listening to what I learn).

That's great!  Next year we hope to get D2 (then D3) into a preschool run by someone who really loves being an educator.  I'll keep my eyes open for similar opportunities.

[... . ] do let us know if you come up with any other ways to share the parenting info too.

Will do.

[DreamFlyer99]

I can relate to this.  As the peacemaker in my family, for many years whenever someone would ask me about a feeling/like/want/desire, my answer would simply be "I don't know."  Sometimes I probably said it to avoid getting in the line of fire.  But lots of other times, I think I really did not know what I felt, liked, or wanted.

Oh boy, does that sound familiar! I STILL will ask everyone around the table at a restaurant what they're having before I decide--still giving away my right to choose, maybe, or "I can't have made the RIGHT choice myself"? Huh. I was a keep out of the line of fire/under the radar sort of kid too. Having opinions that varied from my mother was a very bad survival plan! When I finally got my own opinion after I was a wife and mom, I was in her stark little uninsulated doghouse for years.

Keep up the great work, zaqsert. I feel like when somebody makes the choices to improve their understanding and change the dynamics of the family history like you are, you're kinda doing it for all of us who felt so unheard as kids. YAY YOU!