New to BPD Family—just want to belong to a group that understands.

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's hard to give a glimpse into our relationship but I'm sure most of you are completely familiar with what I'm going to write.  I've been married 32 years to a man that has BPD.  When we first married, he was only slightly different (introverted and critical) but after our 3 children came along, all within 5 years, I guess the stress accelerated the the symptoms of BPD.  The eggshell simile is so apropos. Everyone in the house was tiptoeing on eggshells. By the time we had been married 15 years, my health had started to deteriorate.  By 20 years, I was contemplating separation and divorce.  He threatened suicide.  I stayed.  Our conversations were brief in an attempt to diffuse anger flare ups.  He complained I was distant and unresponsive.  I complained he was verbally abusive and critical.  In September of 2016, on our anniversary, in response to an email query I sent him, I asked what he would like to do for our anniversary.  He informed me that he had been corresponding with a woman for about a month that he felt was his "soul mate" and he was going out of town to meet her that weekend.  I was totally floored.  He had never given me any cause to distrust him before.  Needless to say, since I'm on this website, we reconciled and we are still married but I am dealing with trust issues.  These are accentuated by his swings in mood and anger flare ups (which are still present but he tries to control them).  I think I'm here because I just want to belong to a group that understands.

[32years]

It's hard to give a glimpse into our relationship but I'm sure most of you are completely familiar with what I'm going to write.  I've been married 32 years to a man that has BPD.  When we first married, he was only slightly different (introverted and critical) but after our 3 children came along, all within 5 years, I guess the stress accelerated the the symptoms of BPD.  The eggshell simile is so apropos. Everyone in the house was tiptoeing on eggshells. By the time we had been married 15 years, my health had started to deteriorate.  By 20 years, I was contemplating separation and divorce.  He threatened suicide.  I stayed.  Our conversations were brief in an attempt to diffuse anger flare ups.  He complained I was distant and unresponsive.  I complained he was verbally abusive and critical.  In September of 2016, on our anniversary, in response to an email query I sent him, I asked what he would like to do for our anniversary.  He informed me that he had been corresponding with a woman for about a month that he felt was his "soul mate" and he was going out of town to meet her that weekend.  I was totally floored.  He had never given me any cause to distrust him before.  Needless to say, since I'm on this website, we reconciled and we are still married but I am dealing with trust issues.  These are accentuated by his swings in mood and anger flare ups (which are still present but he tries to control them).  I think I'm here because I just want to belong to a group that understands.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi 32years,

Welcome

I'm sorry that you've had to go through your H having an affair and to find out when you were making anniversary plans. That must have been heartbreaking. I can understand having difficulty trusting.

Did you and your H ever have a conversation about what happened, how the affair started, and what he is doing to ensure it doesn' t happen again?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi 32years, I can't imagine how hurtful that must have been for you. Here you will find a community of support and understanding to help you navigate your relationship.

You said your husband tries to control his flare ups. Is he aware of BPD and has a doctor every given a diagnosis to him? Do you have any friends or family that are aware of the situation that you can go to for support?

All the best,
~ROE