Hello 3birds,
My wife has BPD. I am finally waking up to the idea that this isn’t going to get better by explaining, by trying to convince or show her why her way of thinking is wrong, by ignoring it, or by trying to be perfect so as to not incur her wrath.
I hope you are giving yourself credit for the change in your thinking about this. Its a big step to move from an attitude of "I'll explain it" to an attitude of "I'll understand this". nice job. it also takes some time to move an attitude or approach into a different place. it takes work and effort and some tinkering of finding what works and what doesn't. everyone is slightly different when it comes to what tools work and how to employ them.
I have read about validation and JADE, and although I am very new to all of this I am beginning to understand that it’s going to take a LOT of work from me to make things better.
Validation and JADE sound simple but in reality they are far from simple or easy. Lets think about Validation first... everyone, and I do mean everyone does better in a highly validating environment. What does highly validating environment mean? that on a constant and regular basis validation is used to create a relaxed and trusting environment. Validation has to be real, in that it has to be something you would normally say and actually believe. Validation has to be personal, not a line memorized from a book. Validation creates an emotional connection. Validation is not usually going to work in a crisis situation to put out a fire. Its more meant to lower the stress and tension before the crisis breaks out. Its a skill, like playing the piano. The more you do it, the more you consciously think about it the better you get at it. Practice here. Practice with people other than your wife. and what ever you do; don't be Invalidating.
which brings me to JADE (justify, argue, defend, and explain). Don't JADE. It's invalidating. Instead of JADE - try active listening. Instead of JADE - try SET.
SET = Support, Empathy, Truth. a three point statement that acknowledges your wife before you state your truth. as a quick example something like:
Support = What you are saying is important to me.
Empathy = It's not good for either of us to argue like this.
Truth = I don't want to fight anymore so I am going to take break and come back later.
The problem is that she hates when I try to walk away from an argument. She’s told me in no uncertain terms that walking away is the worst thing I could do. Now, I know I have to tell her “tough crap” and walk away anyway and not worry about her reaction to this.
OOooph. You aren't really going to tell her "tough crap" right? That's horribly invalidating.
Let's start to pull apart what is going on when she tells you that walking away is the worst thing you can do.
What do you think is happening when you walk away? Dig deep and think about this? What's going on with your wife when an argument breaks out?
People with BPD have highly harmfully intense emotions, that are often puzzling to us. Hard to understand. Difficult to relate to. We often invalidate those emotions. "How on earth can you say I'm going off to meet some slut, that's just nuts?" pwBPD often feel like they aren't heard or understood.
a highly validating environment goes a long way to creating a sense of being heard and understood.
abruptly leaving and argument with tough crap (or something like that) pours gas on the fire of not being heard or understood.
I’m working up to that and next time she dysregulates I am out the door. But how do I do that? What is the best thing to tell her to let her know why I’m not sticking around to argue? To be abused? What should I actually say that will be most effective in letting her know that I won’t be treated like that ever?
Practice here. try some of your thoughts out here and see how they feel and what feed back you receive. when you start to walk away,... it matters what you say as you leave the argument. Do not stand there and absorb verbal abuse. When you leave do it in a way that does not escalate the fight. what do you think of these suggestions.
"wife's name, I don't want to fight with you any more, its not good for us. I'll be back later to talk when things are calmer." --> when things are calmer NOT when you are calmer.
"This doesn't feel like a productive conversation any longer, lets think about ways to keep this civil and talk later."
"When I get called names I feel upset and angry so I need to leave the room (house) until things feel better."
She is going to claim that I’m “going to meet some slut” which is how she has kept me from leaving up until now. I had to prove to her that there was nobody else so I stayed and argued and got completely destroyed as a result. How do I present it to her so that she knows exactly why I’m not going to be treated like that?
pwBPD have low self esteem and don't believe they deserved to be loved and fear abandonment. "Going to meet some slut" is more an expression of her fears than an expression of your behavior. It's a maladaptive coping trait to project her fears onto you. Can you see how that works? By accusing you of leaving her, you "had to prove to her that there was nobody else". but that never really works. because by proving there is no one else you are "validating the invalid"... another key component of this tricky validation thing. Don't validate the invalid.
wife: You are keeping someone on the side... you are seeing other women...
3birds: It feels really sad that you would say something like that.
Also, do I have to do this every time she is crappy to me? Because it happens very often and I feel like I’m going to have to get another apartment just so I have somewhere to go every time this happens.
One size does not fit all. It depends on the amount/level of crappy. Hanging in there for a 3 hour knock down drag out argument? I'd say no, absolutely not. Trying to weather a 5 to 10 minute outburst - maybe depending how its playing out.
and FWIW, when I was with my Ex I did keep a condo in the city for times when I had to leave our home in the country. It was a comfortable place to go when the arguments got out of control.
well that's a lot. what do you think?
'ducks