Can't even manage NC for half a day

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So last weekend was the last straw for me - ex was visiting (crazy I know) saying he loved me, wants to get married, begging for sex etc etc. I didn't believe any of it and yet, and yet... .  

I find later last week that the day after he was here, he was trawling around an Internet dating site claiming to be looking for a relationship (with a woman who is "secure" - ha! )

So I wrote an email saying that I wanted no contact - that I felt humiliated etc etc. he emailed back a few hours later " I just want you" type of stuff. Instead of letting it sit - and even knowing that there is no point engaging & trying to use reason or logic - I emailed back with an explanation about why that was all bullsh&t - my analysis of how ppl who have genuine feelings behave in relationships and on and on.

Why can't I let this go? Why is it so important for me to be "right" and him to be "wrong"? Do others do this self defeating stuff and is it another iteration of bargaining? The false hope that  somehow  he might " see the light"?

[Wooddragon]

So last weekend was the last straw for me - ex was visiting (crazy I know) saying he loved me, wants to get married, begging for sex etc etc. I didn't believe any of it and yet, and yet... .  

I find later last week that the day after he was here, he was trawling around an Internet dating site claiming to be looking for a relationship (with a woman who is "secure" - ha! )

So I wrote an email saying that I wanted no contact - that I felt humiliated etc etc. he emailed back a few hours later " I just want you" type of stuff. Instead of letting it sit - and even knowing that there is no point engaging & trying to use reason or logic - I emailed back with an explanation about why that was all bullsh&t - my analysis of how ppl who have genuine feelings behave in relationships and on and on.

Why can't I let this go? Why is it so important for me to be "right" and him to be "wrong"? Do others do this self defeating stuff and is it another iteration of bargaining? The false hope that  somehow  he might " see the light"?

[mosaicbird]

Wow, talk about low.

Yes, I totally get those circular arguments with them where you just wish they would see your point and be RATIONAL. I think it's natural to want to make sense of things that seem so foreign and beyond the pale. But in the end, all you can do is let it go with the knowledge that you're arguing with someone upon whom logic is wasted. Better luck squeezing blood from a stone!

[Wooddragon]

Yes - and I'm reminded all over again of that feeling of the ground shifting beneath me, not being clear on what's real & what's not, trying to reconcile the distorted logic & skewed perceptions. It's like one of us is hallucinating & I'm worried it might be me.

He will come back at me now & tell me that the fact that I am saying all this to him means that I still care & he is taking comfort that there is hope for us. There is a grain of truth in the first of those propositions - i can't tell if he is being deliberately manipulative when he says that type of stuff (it was a tactic he used when we were together after his rage episodes) although the facts say that he must be. I feel like Alice down the rabbit hole!

[mosaicbird]

Ohhhh, gotcha. But you know what? It's quite possible to say to someone, "Yes, I care about you. But I cannot tolerate your behavior anymore. I'm done." and let that be the end of it (at least as far as they know, while you work on recovering). Never done it myself, but I have had it said to me in the past. It definitely shut my mouth and kept me from hoping for another chance to screw up again.

[daintrovert13]

I think you're unconciously still in love... still hurt... ego crushed a bit maybe? All that changes once you fall out of love with him. Hope you feel better about it soon.

[Wooddragon]

I think you're unconciously still in love... still hurt... ego crushed a bit maybe? All that changes once you fall out of love with him. Hope you feel better about it soon.

Yes I agree - and I am trying to pull away. I will just need to "stay calm and assertive" as Caesar Milan would say... .  Problem is I need to get some distance to get some clarity to achieve falling out of love!

[sm15000]

Why can't I let this go? Why is it so important for me to be "right" and him to be "wrong"? Do others do this self defeating stuff and is it another iteration of bargaining? The false hope that  somehow  he might " see the light"?

Hi 

I have been total NC for nearly a year after I ended a 13 yr r/s about 18 months ago.  Looking back, I was the same as you for quite a while until I went total NC.  It wasn't so much having to be 'right' and 'wrong' but I very much wanted him to take responsibility for what he had done.  However, my way of communicating (because I was really so angry and hurt) most probably didn't assist in him being able to do that - in whatever way he could. . .emotions were too high.   

But, it was VERY much wishful thinking that he would see the light. 

Strange thing is, in the only way he knew how, I think he was trying to open up but it was almost impossible. . .and there were issues (cheating, lying) that he never would have acknowledged. . .his 'other side' had been exposed and it was something I knew in the end I couldn't live with. . .and something he wasn't prepared to try and change.  It is far easier to rinse and repeat 

In the end, to be truthful to yourself, you have to ask 'can I live with him as he is'. . .because your pleas of how it makes you feel in the hope for him to change is unlikely to happen.  The thing is, as his words don't match his actions - he loves you, wants to marry you but hurts you - neither do yours.  He is making you feel humiliated, his values towards relationships don't match yours but you are still taking it?

It is HARD to detach from someone you love but if you want to do it 'kindly' then I agree with others - stop trying to rationalise with him - it's either you let him know you are no longer keeping in touch (and you have to do it) or you go low contact and get some advice/read the lessons on how to communicate.

Good Luck

[cal644]

I also have an issue of trying to go NC.  I succeeded for one week (4 weeks ago) and my uBPDw started texting me with all these  and signs like that.  She started to come back to get little things from the house.  I fell for the trap - got sucked back in that there was hope.  Started contacting her again and then bam! I'm horrible, I'm bad, it's all my fault.  I was doing so much better in that one week alone.  Now I'm back to day one - hoping I can go NC.  The push pull kills me.

[pixiepie]

I've literally just gone NC with my pwBPD.

I can relate to the trying to 'get him to see'/hold him to account/feel validated/get support/be recognised/heard/understood thing.

but hes covered in teflon, and it all bounces off.

I threw myself on the floor like a sacrificial offering last night and the most I got was 'you aren't a shabby friend, you do good things, great things, but you do ~ things'

you are this and this... .  but you are this... .  invalidate stamp goes 'here'. and its all me and Im mental and he can see everything clearly and hes not accountable to me 'at all' he says.

my heart can't take it, so Im trying NC to build some strength. I do so relate to how you feel though, its bloody hard.

[hithere]

Do others do this self defeating stuff and is it another iteration of bargaining? The false hope that  somehow  he might " see the light"?

Been exactly where you are and felt all those same things.  I wrote out a list of deal-breakers to remind me of exactly why I could not maintain a relationship with my ex and it helped.  Time heals and it will get easier.  Today is a new day and all you can do it keep trying.

[Wooddragon]

Thanks for your replies everyone. This board has been helping me a lot over the past few weeks. What a crappy journey we have been forced to take. At least having fellow travellers lightens the load