Honestly do not think I will get through this...

[really]

each day is a struggle.

She could not even admit to her affair.   Said so many times, it will help me move on with peace if you could now just be honest with me.  Said I would not share it with anyone and all I got was silence.

She knows how much this is destroying me.

Yep 2010s posts are correct and the 10 beliefs are spot on, but this is my life, my broken dreams, my shattered existence now.

I simply do not know how to get myself out of this mess.

I really want to just give up.

[recoil]

I'm right there with you.  I can tell you it gets better.  I am getting stronger each day.  I actually feel a tinge of happiness at the moment.  Two weekends ago, I barely got out of bed.  Last weekend, I forced myself out both days and hung out with previously ignored friends.

What did 2010 say?  When you're walking through Hell, keep going.

It's hard.  It's unfair.  It is what it is though.  Just today, after reading 2010 posts for about four hours, I've really come to accept some things:  

It wasn't my fault.  It wasn't something I did or could have done differently.  It wasn't me.

I didn't cause her disorder.  I can't control her disorder.  I can't cure her disorder.  I am not the PD whisperer (I broke out in laughter reading this one).

The only way to win is not to play (and I like winning, like Charlie Sheen).

What can I do?

Get the heck away from her, work on myself (made a list of things *I* want to do the other day), not take it personally and move on.  

I am in T too by the way.  That helps a lot (working on my need to fix others and my self-worth).

[sunrising]

Really, I felt the way you are describing you're feeling just about 2 weeks ago.  I had no idea how I would overcome it.  I couldn't eat. If I took a few bites of food, my digestive system would go haywire.  I couldn't sleep.  If I snagged an hour or 2, I'd wake up and my mind would go into ultra-rumination mode. No way I'd go back to sleep... .    I couldn't work.  I'm not exagerrating when I say 60 seconds of every minute of every day, I was focused on thinking about my ex and the failed relationship.    

Today, yesterday, and the day before, I ate whole meals, slept, and I estimate that only 45 seconds of every waking minute were spent ruminating.   Resist the urge to contact your ex.  It won't help. If they contact you, IGNORE and DELETE.  When I read this same advice a few weeks ago, it seemed impossible.  Following it is what has saved my temporary sanity and restored me to reasonable physical and somewhat reasonable mental health.

sunrising

[Want2know]

What can I do?

Get the heck away from her, work on myself (made a list of things *I* want to do the other day), not take it personally and move on.  

Brilliant advice.  

What I've come to understand is that part of the struggle you are talking about comes from grieving the relationship.  The other part is understanding what happened, and how do I not let this happen again.

As far as grieving... .  do you feel that you are solid in knowing that this relationship could never work out?

Grieving is intermixed with detaching and growing, however, I think the grieving is the initial step.

Where do you feel you are in the grieving process listed in our Leaving Lessons?

[really]

She is engaged to my replacement... .  hew new relationship is wonderful and I was the devil.

She went from wanting my babies to ridding me from her life within days.

Now I am a stalker, and mentally ill and everything else she wants to throw at me.  She says she's glad I'm going to a psychologist.   Why am I going to a psychologist - because I was in a relationship with someone with BPD.    Someone who lied, cheated manipulated me, ruined my carrer, destroyed my reputation with colleagues etc.

And she walks off into the sunset planning her perfect wedding and I'm utterly broken.

[really]

One minute I am bargaining, the next I am depressed, the next I am angry... .  and the pattern repeats.

To the world I must look like an absolute nut case.

I was trusting, forgiving, patient, understanding, loyal and generous.

She now completely denies the things she said... .  she even said to my friend "you can believe what you want" about things that she clearly said in the past.

How can anyone who once loved someone treat that person like this... .  just cut and run, deny, cover up the lies, and make me out to be some devil.   I know the answer BPD... .  

I've become her... .  I just want to scream like she did at me.

[Want2know]

And she walks off into the sunset planning her perfect wedding and I'm utterly broken.

You know that her perfect wedding will not be perfect.  Her fiancée will be made to feel bad about what he's doing/not doing, she'll have issues with the guests and where they are seated, and he may not even get laid on his honeymoon night. (did I just say that?  )

She, most likely, is the one who is permanently broken.  You, however, will recover from this relationship, and learn a lot about yourself and how to live a more healthy life.  That day will not come for her. 

[tailspin]

Dear Lord I remember feeling the way you do.  I literally said out loud " I don't think I'm going to make it out of this " and I truly believed it.  I thought I would always struggle.  It felt like I was stuck in mental quicksand. 

You feel this way for a reason really.  You are grieving and depressed and what you feel is important.  Hitting the bottom forces us to look up  

Struggling against the pain and sadness didn't work for me.  What worked for me was accepting how I felt and honoring how I felt. 

I can promise you that what you're feeling right now will pass and you will soon be able to encourage others the same way we are encouraging you right now.  Because, really, the hope for a better day is real and it will come.

tailspin

 

[recoil]

If she is truly BPD, do you think this "perfect new marriage" is going to last?

Nope.

I wouldn't envy that at all.

I bet the guy that dated my EX before me thought the same thing.  She probably made it a point to show off her huge blue diamond engagement ring, the McMansion and her new Lexus.

Guess what.  The idealization phase can't be sustained, for anyone.  I'm so glad I didn't marry her.  I just sent her ring back today and lost 40% of the value -- and I'm happy about it.  Truly.

She's disordered.  She's not going to change just because she is with her next idealized relationship.  The minute that person has wants/needs, she'll feel persecuted/controlled and will be looking for the next person to triangulate with and leave.

Don't believe what you see.  It's a fantasy.  If she gets real therapy, maybe then things will change.  Until then, the cycle is going to rinse/repeat.

Again, this isn't your fault.  You didn't do anything to deserve this.  You probably did great things for her, as did I.  It doesn't matter.  They are disordered.

[really]

She blames me for her cheating.   She blames me for her lies.    She says I was a nightmare yet I stayed supported her forgave her and gave everything of myself.   It's been 14 months.    All I think about is her and this guy and how I am defamed and laughed at

No I doubt it will last but I know she will follow through with he wedding and have a family.   If it does last what does that say about me.   That's my biggest fear that it does last and it was all me. 

Sorry guys Im wallowing in self pity today. 

I just have no self esteem left.  None at all.  She took it stomped on it and laughed over he shell that was left. 

I went through adultery 9 years ago in a 7 year marriage.   I ended up in hospital afterwards and that was nothing compared to this.   

[recoil]

I spoke with one of my EX's former boyfriend of six years.  They made it six years (we only made it 1.5 years).  He said he was miserable for virtually all of them.  He has children with her so he's stuck until they are older.  He hates his life with her.  He hates her.  He's pretty consumed with hate, actually.

I'll never forget what he said to me, ":)ude, you're free.  I can't get rid of the b*tc*, ever."

Don't judge a relationship by the "time served".  Know that if she's truly BPD, there is no real happiness there after the idealization phase.

Naturally, I reserve the right to be wrong.  Heck, I recycled about six months ago so what do I know? 

[Want2know]

Naturally, I reserve the right to be wrong.  Heck, I recycled about six months ago so what do I know? 

Recycling is a part of the addiction.  What you need to figure out is why you were addicted to her.

[really]

Her ex told her that he had given up on relationships after her.  

I know he hasn't and he has moved on with someone else.

[really]

I moved continents so I could not recycle.

I also made a huge fool of myself in contacting her so often for answers that she thinks I am deranged.

There is no going back but she really did damage me.

[Want2know]

I moved continents so I could not recycle.

I also made a huge fool of myself in contacting her so often for answers that she thinks I am deranged.

There is no going back but she really did damage me.

The damage is repairable, or at least understandable and you will get to the Processing stage of detachment, where you will become aware of what you have learned from this relationship.

I did some foolish things, too.  I created a fake facebook account and acted as a 3rd party who confronted him about his potential cheating on me.  OMG!  I think about that and cannot believe I responded in that manner.  It's all here in my prior posts.  Been a member since 2010. 

It does take time and discipline, and not giving into the feeling that you are 'bad' or that you will forever feel this way.

[really]

Guys and gals I need to depart this board for a while.

While it has been immensely helpful it had also become a bit of an obsession.   I need I start loving life again and work through things with the psychologist I am seeing.

Thank you to everyone who has given me support and guidance.   I will forget people but Charred, Seeking Balance, Struggling, Newton, Rose Tiger, CandH, Green Mango thank you in particular.   

I will back when I'm in a better and more detached state and hope to be able to return the favour to other new comers. 

Genuine love to all.

Really