Practical boundaries

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm thinking of physical or strategical boundaries that create space. I'll call it practical boundaries -- Like locking the door to your house or setting your phone on mute.

And also I guess there's levels to this too.
Closing the door - Locking the door - alarm system - private security staff...

Examples of this from my own situation would be:
Violent behavior - I go to the bathroom and lock the door
Circular arguments - I switch room and if she follows I'll try to get some housework done at least.


Among other problems, I'd need something to secure enough sleep. Saying "I need to sleep" does little. Moving out permanently would do a lot. Suggestions of something in between those two?

[15years]

I'm thinking of physical or strategical boundaries that create space. I'll call it practical boundaries -- Like locking the door to your house or setting your phone on mute.

And also I guess there's levels to this too.
Closing the door - Locking the door - alarm system - private security staff...

Examples of this from my own situation would be:
Violent behavior - I go to the bathroom and lock the door
Circular arguments - I switch room and if she follows I'll try to get some housework done at least.


Among other problems, I'd need something to secure enough sleep. Saying "I need to sleep" does little. Moving out permanently would do a lot. Suggestions of something in between those two?

[kells76]

Good thinking on your part to realize that there is a range of options, from 0 to 100 

0 (pleading/explaining "I need to sleep") often isn't effective with pwBPD, and we don't always need to go right to 100 ("I bought my own house, bye").

Brainstorming here...

"I'll be at the office all night tonight, I'll see you at 5pm tomorrow"

"I'll be at X hotel tonight, I'll see you at 5pm tomorrow"

"I'll be at an Air BnB tonight, I'll see you at 5pm tomorrow"

"I'm going camping at the lake tonight, I'll see you at 5pm tomorrow"

"I'm hanging out with my cousin at his house overnight, I'll see you at 5pm tomorrow"

While those are inconvenient, and some cost money, that's kind of how it goes with boundaries when pwBPD are involved. We get to work with the solutions actually in front of us, not the solutions we wish we had.

Anything sound do-able?

[15years]

Yeah, some of those suggestions sound interesting.

I could also sleep in the car, that should be possible soon during the summer months... When my son has school I need to drive him there, so I'd need to go home and pick him up.

How do I communicate about the consequences of my boundaries with the kids?
One alternative is to hide it and go home before they wake up.
Another alternative is to send a text message to my wife that I'll pick my son up at 8 am. Then I'd leave the explaining to my wife which could be a bad idea. Of course I'd be able to explain to him when I pick him up.

But generally, how much do I need to protect the kids from feeling confused about my behavior when I set boundaries like that...

More brainstorming - We have a small office with a door that can be locked from inside but impossible to unlock from outside. Really small office but big enough to sleep on the floor if I only had something to lie on. Maybe a few blankets would be enough, we have a lot of them. Or even better, the sofa cushion is easily removable, I could grab that and wrestle myself into the office. It's not great but could guarantee me a few more hours of sleep possibly. She can bang on the door and scream, but she'd probably stop after a few minutes.

[yellowbutterfly]

I often had to implement strategies get away from my xH uBPD. I was fortunate to only have myself to care for and not kids/pets.

My suggestion is if you do get a hotel or stay with a friend, do not tell the pwBPD where and TURN OFF your phone. My ex used to call repeatedly, make up fake emergencies, accuse me of cheating, show up at the hotel, and do anything to prevent me from sleeping. Looking back, I wish in addition to the physical boundary that I would have created a digital boundary.

[ForeverDad]

Another concern to be pondered... even though your discord is mostly between the parents, the kids are impacted to some extent.  After all, "the walls have ears".

I suspect that if you left to another place to sleep such as a hotel, your spouse would oppose you taking your children with you.

Leaving the kids behind can be a lousy option.  We've often encouraged that - if possible - take the kids with you.  Leaving them behind while trying to avoid even more dysfunctional outbursts could turn into awkward questions in the future if the marriage ever does fail.  Imagine her lawyer posing this question to you, "If life was so difficult for you and you had to leave, why did you leave the kids behind?"

As difficult as it is for you to consider, legal separation (typically only a short term measure) or divorce do have a real life benefit... family court has The Authority to step in, assess the parents (such as with an in-depth Custody Evaluation) and determine an adequate custody and parenting schedule.  Often it's not as good as a reasonably stable and normal parent should get, but it would be far more than what the disordered parent would allow if there was no court involvement.

[yellowbutterfly]

Good call FD on the kids/court comments!

[15years]

I'm from one of the Nordic countries, I think it's different than in the US, the kids have the right to the parent, not vice versa. I think if you want 50 % it's kind of hard to not get it. People can be pressured to have less by the other parent or think that they aren't important to the kids, but legally it's not easy to take away the kids. Of course if you have proven to be a bad parent.

So I think this list is enough;
- remember that you're important to the kids
- don't do anything illegal

I often had to implement strategies get away from my xH uBPD. I was fortunate to only have myself to care for and not kids/pets.

My suggestion is if you do get a hotel or stay with a friend, do not tell the pwBPD where and TURN OFF your phone. My ex used to call repeatedly, make up fake emergencies, accuse me of cheating, show up at the hotel, and do anything to prevent me from sleeping. Looking back, I wish in addition to the physical boundary that I would have created a digital boundary.

Turning of the phone is a good example of a practical boundary.


Any more ideas of practical boundaries?

[kells76]

This sounded like a good idea:

More brainstorming - We have a small office with a door that can be locked from inside but impossible to unlock from outside. Really small office but big enough to sleep on the floor if I only had something to lie on. Maybe a few blankets would be enough, we have a lot of them. Or even better, the sofa cushion is easily removable, I could grab that and wrestle myself into the office. It's not great but could guarantee me a few more hours of sleep possibly. She can bang on the door and scream, but she'd probably stop after a few minutes.

plus this:

Turning of the phone is a good example of a practical boundary.

It's good too that you're thinking of practical boundaries that don't remove you from the kids.

Maybe you can stage some items in the office ahead of time -- like you said, blankets, plus pillow, phone charger, camping mat, water, snacks, so that "in the moment" if something happens, you can go in quickly, not have to spend time getting couch cushions, etc.

Great brainstorming in this thread.