Weird things my ex would say

[causticdork]

If I've learned anything from my time on these boards it's that all the completely weird, random, out of left field aspects of my previous relationship weren't actually weird at all, and rather just a part of the BPD dance we've all experienced.  I was just reading a thread on here about what you miss about your ex, which got me thinking about all the little things that I don't miss (when I start to wax romantic about her I find it's best to force myself to counter those memories with a dose of reality).  There are a couple things I never really understood though, and I'm wondering if anyone else had similar experiences.

1. She constantly accused me of not really loving her, but just loving the way she made me feel.  When I would ask her why she thought that she would always say something vague like, "Just little things that you do every day that reaffirm my suspicions." If I asked about specifics she'd refuse to answer.  Is this a product of their realizing that they present a false persona?  Does that make them feel like you don't really love them, no matter how much you love them, because they think the real version of them is unlovable?

2. She started dating someone new right away (I know that's normal for BPD) while still constantly trying to get me back.  When I mention that she's got a boyfriend now she always acts like dating him was some sort of accident she had no control over.

3. Our sex life was fantastic, but occasionally I'd be tired or upset or not in the mood, and whenever that happened she would go off the rails.  She'd accuse me of not being attracted to her and never wanting to have sex, even if we'd had sex earlier that same night. 

4. After we broke up we were doing the hanging out as friends thing and I went to see her new place. I noticed a small light at her house that I recognized as coming from my house (it belonged to my roommate).  I went in the other room for something and when I came back she had unplugged it and put it away (obviously hoping I hadn't noticed it before).  I asked her about it and she said she grabbed it because she didn't think I was using it and asked if I wanted it back.  I told her it wasn't mine, and she couldn't just take things from my house. She apologized, saying she didn't realize it didn't belong to me, then after a minute added that she shouldn't have taken it even if it was mine. Then she claimed she'd unplugged it because she was going to give it back to me and didn't want to forget.  Is this whole stealing and lying thing so compulsive that they don't realize how much it hurts?  Or do they just not care?  I get that she's sick, but ":)on't steal from your friends (or anybody)" is something even a four-year-old can process and understand.

Anyone have any insight into this stuff?  Similar experiences? 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CD, All a function of the bottomless pit of insecurity, in my view.  No matter how many times you fill up the pit, it drains quickly, in my experience.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[shieldedheart]

I can address #1.  They tend to need constant reassurance because of their insecurities.  It isn't fun.  Silence will kill them if you don't talk to them every minute.

"Just little things that you do every day that reaffirm my suspicions"-My BPDw says this daily.  She tries to nail me on things that are impossible to defend myself against.  Like 'giving her a dirty look', when I know I didn't.  Then it's all of these things that I 'do to make her feel like a POS', but when I ask her to be more specific, she can't do it.  She just says if I don't know I'm doing it then I won't change.

Then it goes round and round.  If you prove them wrong then you are saying they are lying.  If you don't argue then you agree with them.  If you argue and give up, they think you are just being defensive.

Round and round we go.

[MammaMia]

Oh yes... . the circular arguments and irrational thoughts from out of the blue.

Constant validation gets to be so tiresome.  Yes, it is a disorder.  they cannot help it, but it certainly wears on the nons who love pwBPD.  It can be exhausting.  I am constantly being accused of "not listening" over and over and over.  When I repeat the statement or thought back to prove I heard it... . it does not matter.

My heart breaks for pwBPD.  They are so cruel to themselves.  It is impossible for us to comprehend how they feel.  My son says constantly... . "do not THINK about something... . you need to FEEL it".  His world is made up of emotion and he believes the rest of us have none.  He calls me a "hollow shell".  Yet, to get emotional causes instant criticism for all the "drama" that I have created by expressing my feelings.  Can't win.

Sometimes it is best to be silent.  Easy for someone to say who does not live with their pwBPD.  I could not cohabit with him for more than 5 minutes.  Those of you who have BPD spouses or SOs are superheroes. 

God help us all... . please give us the strength to stay sane while caring for pwBPD.  Amen.

[danley]

HIM: "You've brought so much happiness and joy in my life. I love you so much... . more than I've ever loved anyone before. You have had such a huge impact on my life and my feelings. My care and love for you are so great. BUT I HAVE TO CLEAR MY CONSCIENCE."

HIM: "You just want me to be happy so that I'm happy with YOU."

ME: "You care more about your facade of being flawless and put together. You care so much about what you think people will think of you... . more than you care about our relationship and your supposed love for me. Youre not living your own life. You're letting them live it for you. You care too much what people think."

HIM: "Your problem is that you don't care what people think! You live life the way you want to and don't care if people will judge you! "

HIM: ":)o you really want to be in relationship where we have to hide from friends and family and be a secret forever?"

ME: "Uh. No! The real problem isn't the hiding. It's your fear of taking responsibility and facing your guilt and shame head on. Don't mask the real issue."

HIM:  "I love being with you. I never wanted to be with someone like i do you.I always feel so comfortable. I can be myself. I feel so happy to have you in my life. I want you and us more thsn anything ive wanted before. BUT I WANT FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO FEEL EXCITED WHEN I BRING A NEW WOMAN INTO THEIR LIVES. AND RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW IF I':) FEEL COMFORTABLE. I STILL FEEL GUILT AND SHAME ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP. "

ME: "You love me but you're ashamed of me and our relationship?"


ME: "You fear being vulnerable and real and fear loving me. You're too afraid to take responsibility and deal with your feelings of guilt and shame. Don't say that our relationship is wrong JUST because you don't have the balls to come clean to family and friends about your divorce and what you really want. Stand up for us and make changes if you keep saying you care and have feelings for me. Rise up and take responsibility for yourself."

HIM: "I did try. I dont know how! I feel trapped."

ME: "Be honest and stop hiding behind the mask you wear around everyone outside our relationship. "

[Linlu53]

My H constantly asks if I love him. Asks if I'll be his friend, why do u hate me? Etc, etc. it is exhausting. We have been married 35 years! I did leave 3 times for short periods. I didn't know what I was dealing with. Maybe they do feel that unlovable. But what I do or say is never enough. My H has stolen small things. I think he feels he is entitled to them. He is also a hoarder. Something we argue about all the time. Some of the things he says I would not even want anyone to know. I let my guard down after we reconciled and told him some very personal things. Which he proceeded to taunt me with during his last dysregulation! We are doing ok right now. Planning on using some of the tools learned here next time. We'll see!

[ScotisGone74]

Circular arguments, constantly having to defend yourself, being put in No Win situations... . these are tools of the trade for a pwBPD.  Towards the end I was leaving one night after we had spent a really good evening and most of the night together, she is about asleep and gets up as I'm putting my clothes on... . only to say" if you don't stay I will call the police and say you hit me".   When a truck is in her driveway at the end I ask who's it is... . she says "oh its my landlord".   A week later the guy that was supposedly her landlord are together on her facebook in an 'intimate relationship' where she has had him block me from seeing him, but she was wanting me to 'Friend' her on FB.   What a sick nutcake.

They can't rationally defend the majority of things they do, but will only continue to blame you for their delusional actions/thinking/behaviors. 

[KellyO]

My favorites from my ex-bf:

"You don't say that you want to have sex with me, that makes me feel undesirable" (By the way, that was a lie)

Later:

"You are all the time nagging me about having sex, it makes me anxious. You keep like that and I don't want to have sex ever again".

Just thinking that makes me grit my teeth.

One thing I just remembered: How he, tears in his eyes, told me how awful it is when I always say that he all the times, always, every time, does this and that or is this and that. I still can't remember doing it. But I  for sure rememeber him doing it all the time when lecturing me or raging at me. Yep.

They can't rationally defend the majority of things they do, but will only continue to blame you for their delusional actions/thinking/behaviors. 

And this is so much true. I can still see my ex swallowing when I confronted him about something... . and then he flipped. Or even worse, he gave me an explanation full of psycho-babble and "how he has to do his own thing". Yep, having online-dating profiles was "following his own path" and "showing himself how much he loved me" and he did it only because I did not believe how much he loved me. I wonder if he believed word of it himself? This begin after flipping to me did not work anymore. It did not work, because I actually managed to dig out of him that he flipped and raged to me because he wanted me to shut up about stuff he did not want to hear. Now I knew he can control himself very well, and when he rages he really just pulls it out of his sleeve as a one more tool to control me.

[Nearlybroken]

My ex pwBPD:

1."My therapist says I have to find my voice so i can shout at you."

2."You made me cry when you tried to talk to me."

3."That card you sent me made me have a panic attack" ( This was a valentine card!).

4."I know you want to talk about our relationship but you only have 15 minutes as I want to go for a curry."

5."I am not thinking about you anymore because thinking is over rated".

6."We can continue to communicate but here are a list of topics that you cannot mention".

7."You have my permission to talk to my friends and family but you must not mention me by name."

8."You think you are intelligent because you have lots of qualifications but academic people can still be F****** stupid.As you have proven."

9."You  constantly deprived me of sex" (seemingly relating to a couple of times when I was asleep when he came to bed).

10.I have put this at number 10 but I guess it should be at the top... . " You couldn't even keep our baby alive" ( referring to the still birth of our daughter).

Of course i also got all of the irrational distorted thinking,the twisting of everything to make him the victim,the total disregard for everything I said, the blaming of me for everything, being told to shut up whenever I said soemthing he didnt want to hear.I could go on... .

[MammaMia]

Nearlybroken

This is horrific.

How dare he blame you for your child's death.  That is the cruelest thing I have ever heard!  Why do these people think we can control EVERYTHING?  I am so sorry.  You did not deserve to be treated this way.  You needed to be comforted and supported... . not blamed.  OMG... . my heart breaks for you.

I hope and pray you have moved on from this toxic relationship.

[jollygreen]

In response to your #4 topic, from all the reading and research I've done they sometimes take things that don't belong to them or can leave things behind that are theirs. This enables them to re-establish contact in the future. For instance "oh hey I came across one of your shirts in a box full of clothes do you want it back?" Or "I think I left my favorite _____ somewhere at your place can I come over and look for it?" Then at that point they might engage the topic of your relationship.

[Octoberfest]

My BPDex would constantly ask me to reaffirm things.  I would tell her I loved her and she would say "do you?".

I think for how much lying they know they do and bending of truth to make the complex pieces of their lives fit together they have a hard time believing that someone could actually be genuine.

[Gimme Peace]

"I told you that I didn't love you or like you because I thought you wanted me to"

"What do you think I was thinking when I did that? What am I thinking now?" He really believed I could read his mind.

"I spent the night in a hotel because I thought we might argue. I was saving our relationship". I guess he went to a fancy restaurant by himself that night too because there might be a conflict.

"I know you've been on a long trip, but feel free to take your time coming back home. Take some time for yourself". (I was tired and couldn't wait to get home and he knew this).

"Why would I reply to my daughter (text) on Father's day? She already knows how I feel."

"I'm feeling the same things that you are feeling. I agree with everything you say and do".

[Bulgakov]

Mine has odd moments of clarity where she will acknowledge something is wrong with her. And yet she will never come back and think about that when she is exploding or something. She once told me, I think in regards to stealing/manipulation/cruelty, that these things don't bother her and she does not think about them. But she feels terrible when she gets caught. Maybe it opens their eyes to who they really are. They have to think about it more when they get caught than when they actually commit some kind of cruelty.

[Bulgakov]

Maybe the scariest I have heard is when she was talking about how she thinks she could kill someone. She has said this about her parents, including how she would do it and get away with it. All talk I think, but good lord. How am I supposed to respond to that? "oh, honey, that is totally reasonable and not terrifying at all."

[Octoberfest]

Mine has odd moments of clarity where she will acknowledge something is wrong with her. And yet she will never come back and think about that when she is exploding or something. She once told me, I think in regards to stealing/manipulation/cruelty, that these things don't bother her and she does not think about them. But she feels terrible when she gets caught. Maybe it opens their eyes to who they really are. They have to think about it more when they get caught than when they actually commit some kind of cruelty.

This is what made it such a struggle for me to walk away... . The fact that my BPDex KNEW there was something wrong with her and was working on it... . doesn't mean it got fixed however.

[MammaMia]

Yes... . the mind reading is so weird.  My son called because he was stuck in the snow and wanted me to bring him a shovel.  I asked where he was and he said "here".  I am "right here".  I finally convinced him I did not know where "here" was.  He could not believe how stupid I was.  I was "supposed to know".

Other times I also get the "I do not have to do or say (whatever) because they know what I mean."  Or

"I feel things but do not say them, because you know what I mean."  "I should not have to TELL you what I want". etc, etc.

What I hate the most is "Why did you do that?  You know I did not mean what I said!  What is wrong with you?" 

Just 3 days ago he called and asked me to come to his house because he thought he was having a nervous breakdown.  It was my fault.  Caused by poor parenting skills.  I was a terrible parent and never should have had children.  I cause him so much stress.  It is killing him.

After yelling at me about what a horrible person I am for about an hour... . he suddenly switched to "I am not like everyone else... . I think differently than you do.  We are totally incompatible"  BUT I AM NORMAL. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.  Everyone else thinks I AM NORMAL.  Everyone thinks you are crazy.

Even when the neighbors are watching me all the time, they know I am normal.  Even when they tap my phone, they realize I AM NORMAL.

Need I say more?

[Linlu53]

I should just smother The baby then smother you and kill myself!

If you go to that meeting I should just blow my brains out all over the wall. You deserved to come home and find me dead!

I should hit you over the head with a baseball bat!

I should play target practice with you!

These statements were said many years ago. When I bring them up he claims to have no knowledge of saying them. He says that if I said them it was just to get your attention. Or I was just so mad I had to say something drastic to prove it!

It is hard to believe I didn't stay gone when I left 3 times. But he has many good qualities. As I'm sure many BPD's do. He def has gotten much better over the years. But still deal with the crazy making at times.

[schwing]

Hi Causticdork,

1. She constantly accused me of not really loving her, but just loving the way she made me feel.  When I would ask her why she thought that she would always say something vague like, "Just little things that you do every day that reaffirm my suspicions." If I asked about specifics she'd refuse to answer.  Is this a product of their realizing that they present a false persona? 

I don't think they are usually consciously aware that they are presenting a false persona.  Or if they are aware, it is from a dissociated, objective perspective.  My exBPDgf once described herself as a "chameleon" which didn't make sense to me at the time because with me she'd always behaved more or less as the same person (except maybe towards the end).

Part of the reason why they might not be aware is that their "true" persona is completely arrested at early development around when they sustained their primary abandonment trauma.  Think of it as they have kidnapped their inner child and won't let her/him out.  Your ex's accusation that you are not really loving her is partly true, but only because she's never allowed herself to be "her" nor has she allowed you to interact with "her." 

Then again, maybe what she's describing is a projection, because she never really loved you except for when she idealized you.  When she devalued you, she stopped loving you.  Fortunately or unfortunately, she could oscillate from idealization and devaluation so rapidly that it was difficult for you to fully realize this.  Her feelings towards you were always totally dependent upon how she felt at that instant, which is why the moment she attached herself to a new person, her "love" towards you pretty much evaporated.

Does that make them feel like you don't really love them, no matter how much you love them, because they think the real version of them is unlovable?

They've never allowed themselves to be themselves, so how could they "love" themselves much less allow someone else to love them?  Or at least, they've never internalize a sense of loving oneself (such as by internalizing a loving parental relationship) which is why they're always seeking an external source of affection, nurturing, etc... .

Imagine having an "inner child" which you've spent your entire life ignoring or pretending wasn't there.  How would that "inner child" affect you?

2. She started dating someone new right away (I know that's normal for BPD) while still constantly trying to get me back.  When I mention that she's got a boyfriend now she always acts like dating him was some sort of accident she had no control over.

Technically the person she "was" while she was interacting with you had no attachment to this other guy... . so I imagine from "her" perspective, dating this other guy is just incidental; notice how when you compartmentalize your entire life things just sort of work out regardless of the inconsistencies?

I'd guess that the major reason why she was seeking your attention was to see respite from her disordered feelings towards her new attachment, the boyfriend.  As she starts to imagine more and more that her boyfriend intends to abandon her, she gets temporary relief by "abandoning" him for short periods, such as by seeking you out.

3. Our sex life was fantastic, but occasionally I'd be tired or upset or not in the mood, and whenever that happened she would go off the rails.  She'd accuse me of not being attracted to her and never wanting to have sex, even if we'd had sex earlier that same night. 

For the perspective of a person with BPD (pwBPD) attachment and love is like a light switch, either on or off; this is certainly the case for them.  So any sign that you at not completely in love or attached to them is for them evidence that you intend to abandon them.  She may also have been using sex as a means to relieving herself of this disordered fear that you'd abandon her, but as time progresses, her disordered feelings are no longer so easily managed.  It gets to a point for them that the only way to relieve themselves of this imagined fear of abandonment is to fully (as opposed to temporarily) abandon/leave you.

4. After we broke up we were doing the hanging out as friends thing and I went to see her new place. I noticed a small light at her house that I recognized as coming from my house (it belonged to my roommate).  I went in the other room for something and when I came back she had unplugged it and put it away (obviously hoping I hadn't noticed it before).  I asked her about it and she said she grabbed it because she didn't think I was using it and asked if I wanted it back.  I told her it wasn't mine, and she couldn't just take things from my house. She apologized, saying she didn't realize it didn't belong to me, then after a minute added that she shouldn't have taken it even if it was mine. Then she claimed she'd unplugged it because she was going to give it back to me and didn't want to forget.  Is this whole stealing and lying thing so compulsive that they don't realize how much it hurts?  Or do they just not care?  I get that she's sick, but ":)on't steal from your friends (or anybody)" is something even a four-year-old can process and understand.

My understanding of this behavior is that they often collect mementos perhaps as a way to make up for their lack of object constancy.  Lacking object constancy, when we are not in front of them or interacting with them, they have a difficult time, or are unable to recall our emotional attachment to them (which no doubt contributes to their disordered fear of abandonment).  So I imagine they might collect items in order to remind them of our attachment to them. 

My exBPDgf used to have a shrine made up of such trinkets. 

Hope some of this helps.

Best wishes, Schwing

[causticdork]

Schwing, as per usual, your insights are fantastic and much appreciated.  On the last point though (the stealing) I've definitely noticed the mementos thing right from the start.  With my ex it's mostly clothes, and oddly I think she has at least a dozen pairs of my socks.  Other little things are the sorts of stuff that make sense to want to hold onto as mementos, but she also steals because she wants things and they're available to steal.  The light in particular weirded me out because it wasn't a memento-type-object.  It was a nightlight, which was plugged into the wall in the kitchen, and which wasn't even mine.  It's not the sort of thing that she could claim she accidentally wound up with (like a t-shirt or a necklace or something) so I don't think it was kept with the intention of re-engaging later.  I think she just takes things, and I'm trying to figure out if stealing is a common trait with BPDers.  Like if part of their disorder is a lack of cognition that taking things that don't belong to you causes pain (as in feelings of mistrust and betrayal) in the people you take them from.

Also, when she got busted lying and using drugs she was deeply apologetic.  Tears and explanations and millions of promises to do better.  When I've caught her with items that she took from my house without asking she acts surprised that I even care, like she just assumes everybody takes random stuff they want from their loved ones.  Is that a BPD thing, or just thing where my ex is kind of a thoughtless jerk? 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi CD, Agree, Schwing hit the nail on the head again.  Unless we're talking about something valuable, the things are just "stuff" so my suggestion is that you move forward and abandon anything non-essential.  It's a sickness, I agree, yet the most important thing at this point, in my view, is that you move forward with your life, free from a pwBPD.  LuckyJim

[mango_flower]

A little contribution from myself... .

a) We split in November but had been having problems for about 6 weeks.  About 3 weeks before we split, she sent me flowers to work with a message saying she loved me more than she had ever done and would love me even more tomorrow.  Yet after we split, she told me she knew from August that our relationship was over.

b) At the start, I was happy, independent, outgoing and loved being busy, travelling and doing stuff.  Whilst she loved this about me, she longed for the quiet life, just the two of us. I eventually stayed in more, became happier just being in the house just the two of us.  Wanted a dog and a family (which is what she had always wanted). Then she met her new gf and told me "You're just a  homebody really, you're not the outgoing girl that I met".  But X (new gf) is just like you used to be... .

c) I have a low sex drive and a lot of body hangups.   She was the first person I ever really enjoyed doing stuff with, she felt very much "on my level" and claimed she wasn't a massive fan of sex either.  Yet after we split, she said "You've never been sexually attracted to me".

d) She'd tell people we'd only just met that her ex husband was awful, and would list off all the bad things he'd supposedly done (and they were awful, not really things you'd discuss with new people)

e) She would accuse me of never having loved her, of never having wanted to marry her, despite me begging, pleading, being in floods of tears for her to come home

f) When she left, she emailed a few months later saying looking through our old emails made her sad, and it helped her realise she'd made the right choice - and so had I! (Ummm none of this was my choice)

g) She accused me of sleeping with my ex, and probably having an STD (despite the fact I'm a completely open book, and she KNOWS I have never, and never would, cheat on anyone)

h) Accused me of trying to buy her, when I bought her an expensive laptop/tablet she'd been oohing and aahing over - though she loved it when I actually gave it to her. It was only later she acccused me of this.

i) Said I have never cared when she had a cancer scare, even though I was up all night crying each night, crying all day at work, sending her long, heartfelt emails about how we'd get through this together.

J) Attacked every single thing about me (I'm too lazy, I like to sleep in on weekend, I drive too fast, blah blah) even though at the time, she would say things like "Sweetie, you stay in bed and have a sleep in, I love being able to get up early and mow the lawn, knowing you're all tucked up cute in bed - I love getting up and making you a cooked breakfast and taking care of you"

So so so many things, many of which I can't call to mind right now, but that often pop back into my mind at random moments... .

Seems like at the time she felt one thing, then once we split, her defence mechanisms tried to convince her I was awful, in order that she could appease her guilt about suddenly devaluing me!

[mango_flower]

One other (fairly amusing) thing that just jumped into my head:

One day I was taking a bath - some snippy words were exchanged (this was in the last 6 weeks where things went from amazing to truly awful very quickly), then she left the bathroom.

As she left, she screamed "And don't you roll your eyes at me!"

Ummm well I wasn't!  And not like she could see through the bathroom wall anyway... .    <--- yes, eye rolling smiley haha x

[Bulgakov]

She forgot her cell phone charger. I found out this was my fault because I had verbally reminded her to grab it. That was actually said to me.

[MammaMia]

Bulgakov

My son does the same thing.  He does not listen.  He asks for advice and then does the exact opposite.  It is impossible to have a serious conversation about anything, and when things blow up in his face, it is my fault.  I have become hesitant to suggest anything to him, which, of course, then means I do not give a damn.   Frustrating.

I hate the circular dance.  It accomplishes nothing and causes him a huge amount of stress.  He is his own worst enemy.

[Bulgakov]

"I have become hesitant to suggest anything to him, which, of course, then means I do not give a damn.   Frustrating."

Exactly. My uBPDgf gets upset that I'm not enthusiastic and informative. But I have learned that even trying to help will just blow up in my face. Of course, then it is my fault for not reminding her or helping her. I will never, ever win. I've become both withdrawn and increasingly invalidating when something comes up. At this point, I am the only individual in her life that she really gets a chance to rage at. she knows she needs to keep certain friends so she is cautious around them. Everyone else is gone and she knows I will stay. This was longer than I wanted it to be. Long story short, I wholeheartedly feel what you are saying with the above quote.

[MammaMia]

B-

Yes... . I too am the only person my son lets into his life.  It is a HUGE burden.  Half the time he totally hates me.  While he has friends a few friends who know he is eccentric, they never see the real BPD.

Why do you stay?  I am stuck with a man/child but you can change your situation.  I know that is easier said than done for so many reasons, but they do damage us in so many ways, don't they?  We have to fight to remember who WE are.

I see that she is undiagnosed.  Is there anything you can do get get her to seek proper medical care?  Yes... . she believes there is nothing wrong with her, but those who love her know better.  Treatment may improve your relationship, but getting pwBPD there is like moving a building with your bare hands.  Unless they want help, it is almost impossible.

I hope your good times outweigh the bad and if they don't, you should think about options to improve your life and your happiness.  And NO that is not selfish.  You must take care of yourself. 

Have you checked out the material available on this website to help us understand BPD and cope?  If not, please do.  So much more information is available today.  A few short years ago, BPD was one of those "family secrets" no one talked about.  The prevalence of this disorder is astounding.  When you feel all alone, come here.  There are thousands of us just like you.

I am glad you are here.  You are among friends. 

[Vindi]

it wasn't my fault (yes, got laid off from another job)

you made me scream at you, cuz you pushed my buttons (yeah, ok so i deserve the verbal abuse cuz you cannot talk in a calm manner)

you never show me enough affection (well its hard to cuz you do not treat me the way that i should, and yes, maybe i hold back now)

ahhh the list goes on and on... .

[HostNoMore]

My exBPDgf said a lot of very strange things to me in the course of our "relationship".  I must admit it.

My two most favorite of all time were:

1) "I want to protect you from people like me." Kind of says it all IMHO.  Too bad I refused to ponder the significance of it at the time.  It was more of a mouth hanging open moment as I was so stunned.

2)"My kids like you too much." This was one of the reasons she gave to me for dumping me.  Only in the BPD zone can that even logically considered a valid reason. 

Of course, enough time has passed now where I can just chuckle to myself about it all.

[Ahhhh431]

"You love me too much it will never work."

I can't even comprehend how someones mind could justify even thinking that?

[MammaMia]

Ahhhh

Welcome to BPDF.  We are glad you are here.

"You love me too much, it will never work".  Well, that is not as strange as it sounds.  PwBPD have no core values and fear being abandoned above all else.  They do not feel worthy of "real love" and they often sabatage relationships on purpose.  With them it is "leave or be left".  Since they see themselves as  unlovable, relationships usually do not last past the idealization phase. 

BPD is a brain disorder where thought processes are not logical.  The wiring within the brain has gone wrong.  I do not know if you have had a chance to look over any of the information on this website.  There are many valuable tools to help you understand the complexity of BPD.   The need for boundaries, rules for communication, dealing with distorted perceptions, emotional dysregulation, etc.  BPD affects everyone around the person suffering from it. 

Please take the time to review this information if you are still in this relationship.

The members of BPDF are here for you... . to help in any way we can.  There are thousands of us with loved ones suffering from BPD, so please do not feel alone ... . because you are not.

Again, thank you for finding us.

[SockMonkey]

I don't know when he actually started freaking out about distance (we were LDR), but we would spend time together, be lovey dovey, sometimes argue (and resolve), and then I would leave.  Right before I would leave, I would get hit with a "sandbag" statement like:  "my feelings have changed for you", "I'm going to sleep with someone else and not feel guilty about it", and so on.  As soon as he would he drop me off at the airport the I miss you texts, come back texts would start.  These texts (and phone calls) lasted about two weeks, then it was pull away, then we would get together and the cycle started all over again.

I spent the past summer in a city closer to him (as we agreed). He said he would spend any time there when not working.  When I first got there, he came for two weeks, was sweet after he left for about one, and then started disengaging. I hardly saw him. The best was when he said--"what is the likelihood that you will move near me (or vice-versa).  Well, gee, I closed a 3k mile gap and had planned to move into his city if it all worked out.   

I had no idea at the time about BPD.  And, I thought I was going crazy in the push-pull! 

[nolisan]

My ex was really intellectual (overly intellectual - she could make anything very complicated). And she was contrarian and always had to take a weird stance.

She bragged about having extremely high ethics (Kantian) and would go on forever on how hers were superior to my mere Utilitarian ethics. Then she would do something completely unethical and totally self centered. A three year old would know it was wrong for gods sake.

And then she would say she didn'y believe in forgiveness and had some obscure theory about that ... .

It made my head hurt ... .

[nolisan]

One more thing.

My ex would occasionally say how she prayed at night that she wouldn't wake up in the morning. That was more than a little creepy.

Surprisingly she did not talk about suicide. Said she tried once on her teens.

Then she would talk about how her kin all lived very long lives and how long she had to suffer.

All very up-lifting ... .

[nolisan]

Just one more thing (I feel like Columbo)

This is a doozy. Just when we started dating she said in an email "her previous partners had a very hard time letting her go". At the time I thought it was kind of an egotistical thing to say.

Now I get it! They, like me, were trapped in an abusive "betrayal bond" that happens with r/s with people with PD's.

[Ahhhh431]

I would get a text that said

"Hey baby?" I would reply back Hey what's up?

Then she would say

"I don't think we should be together"

I did not respond to this as the day before she was talking about marriage and now is saying we shouldn't be together -- this was not the first time and I was too exhausted to respond

She followed that by saying

"Thanks for trying though"

... . really?

[MammaMia]

What I HATE most is their inability to make a decision.  Drives me nuts!

[Ahhhh431]

What I HATE most is their inability to make a decision.  Drives me nuts!

Do you think this has to do with their commitment issues

[MammaMia]

Ahhhhh

It may have to do with commitment but I think, personally, it is more of a control issue.  At least in the case of my son it is.  Our issue at the moment is whether or not to put up a privacy fence, because he thinks the neighbors are watching him.  A fence is the perfect solution... . yet he cannot decide if it is the right thing to do.  What will the neighbors think?  Will they be mad at him?

Who gives a rat's ass?  It would solve the problem once and for all.   But he would rather complain day after day.   It is absurd.

[Ahhhh431]

Ahhhhh

It may have to do with commitment but I think, personally, it is more of a control issue.  At least in the case of my son it is.  Our issue at the moment is whether or not to put up a privacy fence, because he thinks the neighbors are watching him.  A fence is the perfect solution... . yet he cannot decide if it is the right thing to do.  What will the neighbors think?  Will they be mad at him?

Who gives a rat's ass?  It would solve the problem once and for all.   But he would rather complain day after day.   It is absurd.

Maybe solving the problem would mean there wouldn't be one anymore and he likes being able to have some type of drama and conflict going on... . making a decision would cause there to not be a conflict... . just like people don't leave relationships until there is another one lined up -- maybe he will not maybe a decision until a new conflict is lined up... . this is completely a hypothesis and has no basis but it some how seems like it could make sense

[MammaMia]

Ahhhhh

You nailed it.  It gets done when HE says it gets done.  And in the meantime, he complains constantly that I am "doing nothing" about his problem but refuses to let me install the fence.  This would be the third  privacy fence we have put up on the property because he believes he is being watched.

I am so tired of it.