Family therapy didn’t work

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 48 year old daughter is diagnosed BPD.  Her father and I have been mostly estranged from her for 3 years. A year ago my daughter reached out to us wanting to work a reconciliation. Sounds great? Not really.  

 Her first idea was for me to meet with a preacher for 4 hours who would help me understand my sins. Then the preacher would meet with us both for an hour. For all this I was asked to pay $1500. I refused. The preacher involved was totally unqualified to do this kind of family therapy.

My daughter’s next idea was to do remote family therapy.
So, my husband and I go visit with the therapists for 4 sessions preparing to meet with our daughter online.  By the time we got to the 4th meeting I was no longer feeling supported by the therapist, in fact I felt threatened. Whatever my daughter told him about me I think he believed. During this process I found my own mental health suffering. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and have suffered from depression in the past.
The stress of all this was giving me panic attacks.  Now I feel guilty because I couldn’t go through with this plan which was to include 4 sessions of me just listening to my daughter. I couldn’t do it. Now I really feel like a terrible mother!

How much do we have to suffer for our children?

[Mary Jean]

My 48 year old daughter is diagnosed BPD.  Her father and I have been mostly estranged from her for 3 years. A year ago my daughter reached out to us wanting to work a reconciliation. Sounds great? Not really.  

 Her first idea was for me to meet with a preacher for 4 hours who would help me understand my sins. Then the preacher would meet with us both for an hour. For all this I was asked to pay $1500. I refused. The preacher involved was totally unqualified to do this kind of family therapy.

My daughter’s next idea was to do remote family therapy.
So, my husband and I go visit with the therapists for 4 sessions preparing to meet with our daughter online.  By the time we got to the 4th meeting I was no longer feeling supported by the therapist, in fact I felt threatened. Whatever my daughter told him about me I think he believed. During this process I found my own mental health suffering. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and have suffered from depression in the past.
The stress of all this was giving me panic attacks.  Now I feel guilty because I couldn’t go through with this plan which was to include 4 sessions of me just listening to my daughter. I couldn’t do it. Now I really feel like a terrible mother!

How much do we have to suffer for our children?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Galadriel]

I'm sorry you went through all that. What activities (therapy, etc.) you do to have a relationship with someone -anyone- always remains your choice. If something doesn't seem right, it likely isn't. You can offer to choose a different therapist that you feel comfortable with, but you are not obligated to be in any situation, even for someone you love, if you feel threatened emotionally or in any other way. I hope you can find a better way to communicate so everyone feels safe and heard.