My son

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi,I'm  new here. Please  excuse my writing. I am losing my sight and I have nerve problems in my hand making it bounce up and down!
I think I'm at the end of the road with my son,  his choice, although I see estrangement is not unusual here. He said we are now.
He has multiple diagnoses ;ADHD,Autism,bipolar and  BPD. He was initially diagnosed with BPD but I always felt there was more and sought out a private  consultant.
From 12 his depression started. At 13, he stole our car. He started mixing with the wrong group and smoking  cannabis.  There were multiple suicide attempts, one taking over 30 paracetamol and going into school. He would ingest anything, paint etc. He progressed to Alcohol and mcat. We  could never discipline him. If he did something wrong, he'd already  be at home slashing his arms. At times,I feared he'd run in front of bus.To cut it short, now 26, he lives in a flat,  can't  cope. I've  been over many times to help  clean up. He now does  cocaine and  cannabis and drinks heavily. He's alienated any friends he had except the man living opposite who enables his drug habit.
His most hurtful texts recently are,I  can't empathise, I was abusive ( when lived at home and I controlled his  medication).That when he talks to people,  he sounds like  me and that alone makes them hate him.That I'm the one that's screwed him up emotionally,  I  am dispassionate,  I've turned his father against him, he needs to get away from me, that I  can't support him emotionally. 
The next thing he'll say how horrible he is. Or I'm helicopter parenting or abandoning him!
He truly has had the  best years of mine and my husband's lives. He has had far more attention than our other two younger children. He has had endless loving and giving and I just don't know what to do any more

[Julsie]

Hi,I'm  new here. Please  excuse my writing. I am losing my sight and I have nerve problems in my hand making it bounce up and down!
I think I'm at the end of the road with my son,  his choice, although I see estrangement is not unusual here. He said we are now.
He has multiple diagnoses ;ADHD,Autism,bipolar and  BPD. He was initially diagnosed with BPD but I always felt there was more and sought out a private  consultant.
From 12 his depression started. At 13, he stole our car. He started mixing with the wrong group and smoking  cannabis.  There were multiple suicide attempts, one taking over 30 paracetamol and going into school. He would ingest anything, paint etc. He progressed to Alcohol and mcat. We  could never discipline him. If he did something wrong, he'd already  be at home slashing his arms. At times,I feared he'd run in front of bus.To cut it short, now 26, he lives in a flat,  can't  cope. I've  been over many times to help  clean up. He now does  cocaine and  cannabis and drinks heavily. He's alienated any friends he had except the man living opposite who enables his drug habit.
His most hurtful texts recently are,I  can't empathise, I was abusive ( when lived at home and I controlled his  medication).That when he talks to people,  he sounds like  me and that alone makes them hate him.That I'm the one that's screwed him up emotionally,  I  am dispassionate,  I've turned his father against him, he needs to get away from me, that I  can't support him emotionally. 
The next thing he'll say how horrible he is. Or I'm helicopter parenting or abandoning him!
He truly has had the  best years of mine and my husband's lives. He has had far more attention than our other two younger children. He has had endless loving and giving and I just don't know what to do any more

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello and welcome, Julsie.  As for your son's accusations, he sounds like ours (We're horrible parents, in his eyes, and he's in his 2nd estrangement.) Like you, we wore ourselves out, seeing to his psychiatric care in elementary school, patching holes, nurturing, advocating for an IEP, etc.  We have two others with whom we have great relationships. What has been your support?  NAMI has helpful support groups. We actually started one in our church and found two other parents who suffered with this problem. We lifted each other up.  A good mantra, here, to remember: We didn't cause it; we can't cure it; we can't control it. "Don't JADE"  is a helpful piece of advice, here, too. Don't justify yourselves, don't argue, don't defend yourselves, and don't explain. Every time we tried to do those things, it was like putting fuel on a fire. Going grey rock helps: keeping our conversational input "grey" and minimal, so they can't twist our words. Hope you'll stay with us. It's such a hard road to go, alone.

[Julsie]

Thank you, I will keep in mind what you said.
There has been no support, just me and my husband but mainly me.