Gah i'm so frustrated.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone,
I think i just have to vent this somewhere cause i'm starting to get so frustrated on my BPDwife right now.

How on earth are you able to live with them?

This has been a real push/pull week and i'm so exhausted mentally from this.

We are in a period where basically nothing is good and anything in the daily business can become a huge argument. I do my best to validate and try to just let her be but it's hard.

To what made me so frustrated it all started on Monday evening. We knew i should go out of town for 1 night on a business trip so i did my best to be very polite and not start any argumentations that would put everything on the edge.
We had a quite nice monday with dinner and putting the kids to bed, my wife had a doctors appointment on Tuesday morning and she wanted me to come along since she couldn't bring the baby S3months by herself. I said of course i will join her.
I noticed that she was a bit worried and we talked about it and everything seemed quite fine. Then when we should go to bed it all started.

She: You dress like a old man these days, why do you do that?
Me: Eh Ok, I'm not sure i follow here, what did this come from? ( A bit suprised)
She: I just think that some of your old clothes start to look outwashed and makes you look like a old man.
Me: Ok, i can agree with you that i should need some new clothes for when i'm off work but you know that the focus been on the kids lately.
She: Yes i know, i didn't meen to offend you.
Me: Ok it's fine, thank you for the concerns and let's see how the upcoming month will be with the bills.

She went upstairs and went to bed and i joined her since we said we should watch a Netflix show in bed. I went up with  no hard feeling and at first it felt like we could leave the discussion there.
She came closer and lay her head on my chest and after 20 min in to the show she said that i had a bad breath. Once more i got a bit suprised and said that i brushed my teeth but she didn't think that helped.

Also here i didn't argue and just went down to brush once more and then we left the discussion.

On tuesday after the doctors appointment she apologized and said that she just were a bit worried and didn't meen what she said yesterday, i told her it was no big deal and it was ok. She wanted me to work from home IF she needed me and i said "fine".

Also tuesday was looking good for being a good until it was time for bed once more.

She: I feel ashamed of you sometimes and i don't love you anymore. It feels like you are sufficating me when you hold your arms around me i don't feel any love having you around.
Me: Eh Ok, seriously where does this come from?
She: i just feel like this and you will only cheat on me on you "business trip".
Me: Please stop that cause you know it isn't true, why do you say that you not loving me anymore?
She: What's wrong? Can't handle the truth? I go to bed now.

She went to bed and i did as well without anymore arguing. I went early for work and on Wednesday she sent a text saying sorry and that she misses me. In the same evening she sent that she misses my arms around her and that she loves me and i should enjoy my trip.

This continues on Thursday where she sending me how much she misses me and that just some time apart was what she needed cause she just wanted me to come home.
I got home in the evening and everything seemed fine. After a while she said that it felt bad that we should just go to bed and then i leave early tomorrow.
Me: We could go to bed and cuddeling and talk a bit and just spend some time together.
She: that she didn't feel so fresh even that she had taking a shower earlier.
Me: I told her that she always smells good and i didn't think she was unfresh.
She: Thank you that was nice to hear but not tonight.
Me: Ok no problem.

Then we are getting ready for bed and she repeats the first part that she thinks it hard that just go to bed and sleep.
Me: We can watch something if you like?
She: Getting upset right away! WHY should we always watch something, it's better you go back to your f****ing hotell and continue F***ing however you where there with! You are so st*pid! It was so much better when you weren't hear. I haven't missed you cause i realize that as soon as you open you mouth.


She went to bed once more and continued with some arguing and as always i had to apologize how st*pid i was to even propose that we could cuddle or watch something together.

Now i'm at work and feel completly drained and knowing the weekend are coming up and honeslty i don't even want to go home today.

Is it me that just doesn't understand or see that i'm doing this all wrong? Is she right am i the stupid one?

This got much longer than expected but feels soo good to write this down.

Thanks for listening.

[AllNightLong]

Hi everyone,
I think i just have to vent this somewhere cause i'm starting to get so frustrated on my BPDwife right now.

How on earth are you able to live with them?

This has been a real push/pull week and i'm so exhausted mentally from this.

We are in a period where basically nothing is good and anything in the daily business can become a huge argument. I do my best to validate and try to just let her be but it's hard.

To what made me so frustrated it all started on Monday evening. We knew i should go out of town for 1 night on a business trip so i did my best to be very polite and not start any argumentations that would put everything on the edge.
We had a quite nice monday with dinner and putting the kids to bed, my wife had a doctors appointment on Tuesday morning and she wanted me to come along since she couldn't bring the baby S3months by herself. I said of course i will join her.
I noticed that she was a bit worried and we talked about it and everything seemed quite fine. Then when we should go to bed it all started.

She: You dress like a old man these days, why do you do that?
Me: Eh Ok, I'm not sure i follow here, what did this come from? ( A bit suprised)
She: I just think that some of your old clothes start to look outwashed and makes you look like a old man.
Me: Ok, i can agree with you that i should need some new clothes for when i'm off work but you know that the focus been on the kids lately.
She: Yes i know, i didn't meen to offend you.
Me: Ok it's fine, thank you for the concerns and let's see how the upcoming month will be with the bills.

She went upstairs and went to bed and i joined her since we said we should watch a Netflix show in bed. I went up with  no hard feeling and at first it felt like we could leave the discussion there.
She came closer and lay her head on my chest and after 20 min in to the show she said that i had a bad breath. Once more i got a bit suprised and said that i brushed my teeth but she didn't think that helped.

Also here i didn't argue and just went down to brush once more and then we left the discussion.

On tuesday after the doctors appointment she apologized and said that she just were a bit worried and didn't meen what she said yesterday, i told her it was no big deal and it was ok. She wanted me to work from home IF she needed me and i said "fine".

Also tuesday was looking good for being a good until it was time for bed once more.

She: I feel ashamed of you sometimes and i don't love you anymore. It feels like you are sufficating me when you hold your arms around me i don't feel any love having you around.
Me: Eh Ok, seriously where does this come from?
She: i just feel like this and you will only cheat on me on you "business trip".
Me: Please stop that cause you know it isn't true, why do you say that you not loving me anymore?
She: What's wrong? Can't handle the truth? I go to bed now.

She went to bed and i did as well without anymore arguing. I went early for work and on Wednesday she sent a text saying sorry and that she misses me. In the same evening she sent that she misses my arms around her and that she loves me and i should enjoy my trip.

This continues on Thursday where she sending me how much she misses me and that just some time apart was what she needed cause she just wanted me to come home.
I got home in the evening and everything seemed fine. After a while she said that it felt bad that we should just go to bed and then i leave early tomorrow.
Me: We could go to bed and cuddeling and talk a bit and just spend some time together.
She: that she didn't feel so fresh even that she had taking a shower earlier.
Me: I told her that she always smells good and i didn't think she was unfresh.
She: Thank you that was nice to hear but not tonight.
Me: Ok no problem.

Then we are getting ready for bed and she repeats the first part that she thinks it hard that just go to bed and sleep.
Me: We can watch something if you like?
She: Getting upset right away! WHY should we always watch something, it's better you go back to your f****ing hotell and continue F***ing however you where there with! You are so st*pid! It was so much better when you weren't hear. I haven't missed you cause i realize that as soon as you open you mouth.


She went to bed once more and continued with some arguing and as always i had to apologize how st*pid i was to even propose that we could cuddle or watch something together.

Now i'm at work and feel completly drained and knowing the weekend are coming up and honeslty i don't even want to go home today.

Is it me that just doesn't understand or see that i'm doing this all wrong? Is she right am i the stupid one?

This got much longer than expected but feels soo good to write this down.

Thanks for listening.

[formflier]

She: I feel ashamed of you sometimes and i don't love you anymore. It feels like you are sufficating me when you hold your arms around me i don't feel any love having you around.
Me: Eh Ok, seriously where does this come from?
She: i just feel like this and you will only cheat on me on you "business trip".
Me: Please stop that cause you know it isn't true, why do you say that you not loving me anymore?
She: What's wrong? Can't handle the truth? I go to bed now.
 

You can change this dynamic.

First of all... .she can't explain it.  That raises the anxiety.

was there anything said before she said she was ashamed?

"I'm ashamed of you... ."

"Oh my goodness... ." (perhaps lean in a bit... .or gently touch her... .not a big squeeze... .but put your hand on her)... .you  "I'm here to listen if you want to talk... ."

her "blather blather blather... ."

you  "I can see this is upsetting... "  "Would you like me to snuggle with you while you are working through your feelings?"

Big picture... .if she seems upset but reasonable... .perhaps ask "How can I best support you right now?" or "Would you like to get some sleep and talk more over breakfast (let her bring it up... .not you)"

if she gets really mean or abusive...

"This is a lot for me to think about... .can we talk more tomorrow?"

go to sleep...

if she keeps it up... .

"I'm going to have to take a break... .I'll be back in 10 minutes"

Do you see how this changes the dynamic.  After we see how she reacts to his... we can sweeten up your response... .

FF

[Tlw300300]

Omg sounds so familiar

[AllNightLong]

You can change this dynamic.

First of all... .she can't explain it.  That raises the anxiety.

was there anything said before she said she was ashamed?

"I'm ashamed of you... ."

"Oh my goodness... ." (perhaps lean in a bit... .or gently touch her... .not a big squeeze... .but put your hand on her)... .you  "I'm here to listen if you want to talk... ."

her "blather blather blather... ."

you  "I can see this is upsetting... "  "Would you like me to snuggle with you while you are working through your feelings?"

Big picture... .if she seems upset but reasonable... .perhaps ask "How can I best support you right now?" or "Would you like to get some sleep and talk more over breakfast (let her bring it up... .not you)"

if she gets really mean or abusive...

"This is a lot for me to think about... .can we talk more tomorrow?"

go to sleep...

if she keeps it up... .

"I'm going to have to take a break... .I'll be back in 10 minutes"

Do you see how this changes the dynamic.  After we see how she reacts to his... we can sweeten up your response... .

FF

When she told me that she was ashamed of me it came pretty much out of nowhere but she explained later that i didn't see her or cared about her anymore and so on.

I just hate all these false accusations and she really tries to make me feel like as a** and that i need help and can only do things for myself.

I really try to stay calm and doesn't let ger upset me but it's so famn hard!

[Chaffers]

 I found that whatever tactics or techniques I used to console /comfort  /deescalate the situation would quickly be pre empted.

Saying I was going for a walk to calm things down became leave and don't come back. Explaining how it made me feel when she accused me, I was selfish and it s all about me. Trying to slow down the machine gun of accusations and abuse by asking for the conversation to be conducted online or by text? Picture mobile phones bouncing off my head.

 If there is a way to cope with their accusations then I never found it.

[formflier]

 she explained later that i didn't see her or cared about her anymore and so on.

I just hate all these false accusations  

Me too!  These were/are hard to get rid of.    With consistent use of tools, they can get better.  

I took and still do take a HARD LINE against mindreading.  ZERO TOLERANCE... .

Honestly, I would have had an easier time if this didn't mean so much to me and I could let some of it "roll off" me.  The critical thing is that it did mean a lot to me, so I honored it... .and stood up for my feelings and values... .NO APOLOGIES...

That doesn't mean I freak out and fight.  Important to stay neutral.

What I would do... .see if you can try it on for size... .

her "See... I had to say that because you don't care for me anymore... .blather blather... ."

you "Oh my goodness... .how troubling.   I'm confused... .are you asking about my feelings for you?"  

if she says that she doesn't need to ask or knows...

you  "let me know when you are interested in my actual thoughts and feelings... .I'd be happy to share...  I'm going to take a 10 minute break."

Walk away... .don't bring it up again.  If she asks... .share some general stuff... .very general.  Make sure that they are YOUR feelings and not your opinions of her feelings.

you  "I care about you and our relationship is important to me.  I'm scared about the apparent miscommunications we have."   See how that is very general... .short... .

FF