I think she gave me an STD... Oh god what now

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm terrified, I'm having yellow discharge in my urethra tonight. This never happened before, I took blood tests for another condition on Sunday and they came up clean, this would have shown then, so I couldn't have gotten from someone else. I haven't slept with anyone else in a month or two, we are recycling, I made a post about her last week.

I don't know what to do now, I'm leaving to the ER right now, I know it's a simple cure, but I feel so embarassed, I'm completely lost... .I don't think she knows she's got it, I was going to see her tomorrow, what do I do? The blood tests I did on Sunday really would have shown this, this means she had unprotected sex with someone else while we are trying to work things out :S, I don't even know how to approach this, she needs to get treated as well. Oh my god, this is a never ending nightmare.

[Hlinthewiking]

I'm terrified, I'm having yellow discharge in my urethra tonight. This never happened before, I took blood tests for another condition on Sunday and they came up clean, this would have shown then, so I couldn't have gotten from someone else. I haven't slept with anyone else in a month or two, we are recycling, I made a post about her last week.

I don't know what to do now, I'm leaving to the ER right now, I know it's a simple cure, but I feel so embarassed, I'm completely lost... .I don't think she knows she's got it, I was going to see her tomorrow, what do I do? The blood tests I did on Sunday really would have shown this, this means she had unprotected sex with someone else while we are trying to work things out :S, I don't even know how to approach this, she needs to get treated as well. Oh my god, this is a never ending nightmare.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hlinthewiking]

I talked to a doctor friend of mine and he said what I already knew, it was something they would leave me waiting 10h at the ER, so I was able to schedule an appointment at the urologist today. Please someone say something :/. I don't even know how to approach her, she's giving me the silent treatment atm, for taking too long to talk to her yesterday, when she didn't try to reach me first, nothing out of the ordinary.

[Grey Kitty]

You know, there really isn't much to "do" about this. I think you know the practical and responsible stuff... .but here's my take on that:
1. Get medical treatment for yourself. (You are on it)
2. Notify your sexual partner(s). Perhaps wait until you have 100% confirmation. You just have one. I'd recommend sending her an email or text, so you can avoid the fight that will follow more easily. Like this, maybe?

I just got confirmation that I was infected with [STD]. We had unprotected sex. Please get treatment, and if you had sex with anybody else, please tell them.

3. No more unprotected sex with her. (I'm not gonna say anything about whether you should have protected sex with her or not... .there is a lot more to that!)


OK, that's all pretty simple and straightforward. What about the hard stuff?

Well, I don't think you should meet her and *NOT* tell her tomorrow. Again, consider giving her the news first. If she blows up your phone, cancelling your date might be a good idea.

So what are you feeling about your relationship right now? I've not read many of your posts, so I don't recall exactly where you are.

What do you want in this r/s with her?

Does the likelihood that she had sex with somebody else change that for you?

Do you think it was while your r/s was broken up, or not?

[BowlOfPetunias]

I think there is a very strong possibility that a BPD in this situation would turn it around and blame the NBPD.  It can't be her fault.  You must have been cheating.  You must have given it to her.

It is also likely that she will have a negative response to wanting to have protective sex.  In the BPD mind that could mean:

A. Using protection is an insult to her!  Don't you trust her when she says she is not sleeping with anyone else?
B. Using protection means that you must be cheating on her! 

In the BPD mind, if you are both in a monogamous relationship--even if it is only monogamous on the side of the NBPD--unprotected sex is a demonstration of love, trust, and commitment.  Protected sex is a demonstration of mistrust and cheating.

[hotncold]

A. Using protection is an insult to her!  Don't you trust her when she says she is not sleeping with anyone else?
B. Using protection means that you must be cheating on her! 

In the BPD mind, if you are both in a monogamous relationship--even if it is only monogamous on the side of the NBPD--unprotected sex is a demonstration of love, trust, and commitment.  Protected sex is a demonstration of mistrust and cheating.

ack! how true this is. I refused to have unprotected sex with mine.  And... well, yeah... .next thing I know he has me over at his place with very obvious signs pointing to sex with someone else in his bedroom... .

[hotncold]

Also when I refused unprotected sex he asked "what you'Ve been with someone else?" and in order to avoid having to say "no I'm pretty sure you've been with someone else and I don't trust you to protect yourself." I just said "maybe"... .and that was the end of the that. THe things we do to just avoid the rock or the hard place... .in the end we just have to choose the sword we die on.

[Grey Kitty]

hotncold & BowlOfPetunias,

I do agree that a pwBPD is very likely to dysregulate badly over having protected sex, your guesses of how it would go are pretty good.

I'm willing to face that to protect myself from an STD. Or in Hlinthewiking's case, another one!

... .in the end we just have to choose the sword we die on.

Yes, you have to pick your battles. This is one I'd be willing to risk ending a r/s over, myself.

Speaking of which, I intentionally left the information that Hlinthewiking hadn't had sex with anybody else out of the note about the STD. There already was enough implication that she was cheating, and most likely doing it without protection, and that didn't seem worth fighting about first.

[Hlinthewiking]

I just came back from the Dr.'s office. He said that a regular urinary infection is more likely, that if it was clap it would be much worse, I need to wait for the culture tests to come back, I'm taking the antibiotics. Now I don't know what to think, I'm leaning towards the Dr.'s decision and I talked to her afterwards and I even mentioned in relieved way almost, that I was worried she had been with someone else and had gotten an STD, she became a monster, she completely lost it, cursed me in every way she could think of and said she didn't want to be with someone who didn't believe her, I never said I didn't believe her, in fact I hadn't spoken about this before and if I don't have any other sex partners and I contract an STD and I don't even consider she's given me it, who then did? UFO? It was so ridiculous and expected I didn't even bother that much, I kept calm and even made some jokes about it, that only aggravated it of course, I just don't know how to react, I won't know for sure until the results come up. Funny how she thinks it's absurd I think she slept with someone else and then minutes after flipping about it she tells me she's going to sleep with someone else tonight, because she's mad.

Is this normal? I know there are people here married for decades, I always think my case is worst for some reason, she gets mad at me every day, sometimes multiple times a day and often stays mad for hours. I'm going mad, how can people have long term relationships with BPDs and stay sane?

[Hlinthewiking]

Well, I'm going step by step, now my plan is to see her anyway, we spoke and she's fine now... .I'll tru... have faith in her still and wait until the test results, I can't have sex anyway for a few days, so we won't have this kind of problems until I get my test results.  Thanks for the help folks

[Kelli Cornett]

I guess I'll be cap'n obvious here and ask do you really think it's healthy to be in a relationship in which you think your partner gave you an STD, she rages at you, you have no trust in her, and she threatens to have sex with other men because she's mad at you?

[Grey Kitty]

Well if you aren't physically up for any sex for a few days, and are waiting for the test results, just keeping quiet about this seems pretty reasonable to me.

Back to the "normal" issues of being in some kind of r/s with a pwBPD until you heal.

Let us know what test results come in.

[Hlinthewiking]

Everything came back negative, thankfully it looks like it was a minor regular bug that I got from low immunity due to stress and recent corticosteroid use to treat another condition. Feeling lucky both in the literal way and also sarcasm.

Maybe this is due to another post, but mind as well hitchhike in this comment.

She's been bugging me a lot about telling her things and being honest. I'v been having a lot of problems hiding her things, I feel that I must since she can't deal with some things or simply doesn't want me to do them when I think I have the right to. I sometimes lie about being in class when I'm in the gym or when I go see my friends because if I tell her she sometimes tilts or bugs me every minute and won't leave me alone for an hour, I need to be able to do my things and unfortunately I have been lying to her a lot and it's not even enough. I'm going to have to solve this if there's any chance of us getting back officially, today is halloween, she doesn't care, but I do, I love it, I never do anything, I want to do something, but now I limit myself because I have to think about what lie to tell her if I decide to do something with my friends.

[C.Stein]

Honesty and trust are part of the foundation for a successful and healthy relationship.  If you have neither then what do you really have here?

[pallavirajsinghani]

The terms "Honesty" and "Trust" are loose, ambiguous terms... .I can be honest and tell my husband that I have a headache.  I don't need to carry that honesty to a level and tell him that I slept late because I was bingewatching "The House of Cards"... .I am just giving a small example that honest and trust do not mean that the personal boundaries get dissipated.  Relationships are like Venn diagrams.  There are areas that are no one's concern.

Would it be honest to let someone watch you pee, poop, deliver a baby, change a sanitary napkin... .where does the boundary lie?

People without boundaries are without definition and a relationship in this environment and definition of "complete honesty" and "complete trust" is just not healthy.

So, first of all, it would be important to understand what your own personal boundaries and your own definition of these terms are... .this will help you define as to how far can you implement behavior based on these concepts without jeopardizing your relationship with yourself.

[Kelli Cornett]

C'mon... let's cut out the silly semantics.
No healthy person would think that a level of mistrust in a r/s so poor that one of the partners believes they might have contracted an STD from the infidelity of the other, is acceptable.

The white lies/watching your partner go to the bathroom analogy is so ridiculous, it doesn't even warrant any more discussion.

[Hlinthewiking]

  C.Stein

Well, that's not something I really think as much as I should. Thinking deeply about it, I guess I'm in it atm because of how much I care for her and because she said she would seek therapy (I'm still waiting and she declined the recommendation I got for her), I won't make it official until she starts it, this is the boundary I made for myself before I even started seeing her again, no therapy, no relationship. Until she starts therapy I'm trying to keep my boundaries, enjoying my time with her, evaluating her in a whole, but I'm denying signs that show she might never be what I want her to be. In her favor, despite the lack of control of her emotions, she's helping me more then never on shores and supported me so much when I got sick, I don't doubt she loves me.

She threw a tantrum this weekend though for example, she was talking about how she feels that having sex during her period is dirty and nasty, I said it was normal and I didn't bother with it, she implied jealously that I "had sex with whores on period when we were on a break", I said I didn't and that she's not my first girlfriend, at the time I was disturbed by what she said and thought it would comfort her to remember I had 2 serious relationships before her, of course I was wrong but I don't really know what I could have said, she started to throw everything on her sight on me including my phone and she stepped on it, thankfully it didn't break, started to batter me and I struggled to restrain her before she broke something or hurt me or herself, took half an hour to calm her down, that's her major problem, she can't control her emotions, she isn't NPD, despite her being selfish and having some comorbidity.

Well, what do we have? Mutual love, lust, intimacy, I think that's all.

  pallavirajsinghani
That's a very interesting point, but in this case, I don't want to have to manufacture lies, do you know how it is to think for over an hour the best lie to cover something you shouldn't need to hide? I want to be able to tell my partner about these things, she asks, so I have no choice but to lie or tell the truth and have an episode for something there should be no turmoil about.

  northface
I feel really bad about this, I kinda blame myself, I think she's trust worthy on the being faithful and all, but I really can't fathom how I can trust her and accept that she only says things about other guys to feel wanted or to punish me, I think she liked being chased after, and she won't comply or may not even talk to other guys, but she likes having people chasing her.

I'm really confused because I find evidence that she had seen other guys and then she looks at me with conviction and tells me she didn't see anyone, I don't know how I can believe this, there is a possibility, but only her words, everything else points otherwise, she was exchanging hearts and loving emoticons with, someone that posted "MINE   " on her profile picture and she replied with hearts, she says she didn't have anything with him, it's really hard for me to believe, how can I trust it? I'm really trying to, if she's lying about it, what can I believe? It's soo hard... .This is killing me, if she's telling the truth I would feel so terrible.

[Kelli Cornett]

I know where you're coming from. For me, it wasn't until after I had looked extensively into BPD and how it affects their perception of the truth (feelings=facts, altering memories of events to fit how they feel about them, episodes of radical behavior that they claim to have no recollection of, etc.) and dealing with my own codependency issues, that I was able to take an honest look at how I'd been lied to in my r/s.

It's hard to fathom that the person who idealized us and claimed that we were everything they've ever wanted and meant everything to them, could simply lie to our faces.

[Grey Kitty]

She's been bugging me a lot about telling her things and being honest. I'v been having a lot of problems hiding her things... .

OK, here's how I see it:
1. She's controlling, and doesn't want you to spend time in ways you find reasonable (i.e. with your friends) And yes, that is reasonable!
2. She's abusive, and will launch into you if she discovers that you did something like this.
3. You are lying about what you are doing, in hopes that she won't figure out you are acting against her wishes and become abusive over it.

One thing I've suggested for other members here is that you FIRST learn to enforce a boundary of not accepting verbal/emotional abuse, and removing yourself for your own protection from it.

For example, the tantrum you described last weekend--After you explained (ONCE!) that this was experience from a r/s before you met her, not on break, it is time to make it clear you wouldn't discuss it anymore. And been out of there long before she threw anything.

If you try to enforce another boundary, she will become abusive, and if you can't handle that, you can't enforce any other boundary.

Or on the positive side, once you realize that you can protect yourself from abuse, it becomes a paper tiger that you aren't afraid of... .and you then feel empowered to do things like just tell her you are going to spend a couple hours with a friend.

[C.Stein]

C.Stein

Well, that's not something I really think as much as I should. Thinking deeply about it, I guess I'm in it atm because of how much I care for her and because she said she would seek therapy (I'm still waiting and she declined the recommendation I got for her), I won't make it official until she starts it, this is the boundary I made for myself before I even started seeing her again, no therapy, no relationship. Until she starts therapy I'm trying to keep my boundaries, enjoying my time with her, evaluating her in a whole, but I'm denying signs that show she might never be what I want her to be. In her favor, despite the lack of control of her emotions, she's helping me more then never on shores and supported me so much when I got sick, I don't doubt she loves me.

She threw a tantrum this weekend though for example, she was talking about how she feels that having sex during her period is dirty and nasty, I said it was normal and I didn't bother with it, she implied jealously that I "had sex with whores on period when we were on a break", I said I didn't and that she's not my first girlfriend, at the time I was disturbed by what she said and thought it would comfort her to remember I had 2 serious relationships before her, of course I was wrong but I don't really know what I could have said, she started to throw everything on her sight on me including my phone and she stepped on it, thankfully it didn't break, started to batter me and I struggled to restrain her before she broke something or hurt me or herself, took half an hour to calm her down, that's her major problem, she can't control her emotions, she isn't NPD, despite her being selfish and having some comorbidity.

Well, what do we have? Mutual love, lust, intimacy, I think that's all.

Can you define love and intimacy as it applies outside the bedroom?  Having reasonable expectations and seeing the reality of the relationship is important for your own personal health. 

With respect to honesty and lies, when does the lie "spare" an individuals feelings and when does it disregard and disrespect the individual and their feelings?   Who draws the line here, the person lying or the person being lied to?

I can understand social white lies to "spare" feelings to some extent, we all do it, but if you are feeling the need to lie in order to avoid a potential unreasonable/unwanted response from your partner where does it stop?   More importantly is this the type of person you want to be? 

Now to take the other side of the coin, from her point of view if you feel the need to lie about something superficial to avoid conflict then you will certainly lie about other more meaningful things that might cause conflict should they occur.  This is not an unreasonable expectation, would you agree?  You walk on a very slippery slope here.

With respect to her potential lies, trust your gut instincts and her actions, not her words. 

With respect to both of you, how do you see your relationship in 10 years if neither one of you trusts/believes anything the other says?   Would you say this type of relationship is intimate or loving?