Money question and other things

[Depression = 72% of members]

My husband has a hard time keeping a steady job.  He is an "entrepreneur" and has in-fact started up a business with a business partner who controls everything.  It has been 2 years.  I agreed that he can do this (we share all our finances - mortgage, 2 teenage kids) - he can do whatever he likes - as long as he contributes a certain amount of money(set, agreed upon) every month.

But the familiar pattern has started.  This month, his business partner is probably not going to pay him as there isn't revenue coming in - so now WE have to tighten our belts (this is easy for me - I'm the financially responsible one).  At the same time, he is going to invest a large sum ($20,000) into another business that he is excited about. 

I don't know how to have the conversation that as a contributing adult to our household, he has to uphold his end of the bargain so we can cover all our expenses.

Any suggestions?

On another note - I'm tired. Since my therapist opened my eyes to his BPD diagnosis a couple of months ago, I've processed a lot - I've protected my children better and have managed to avoid conflict between him and our teenage son by diffusing some of his abandonment and rejection issues.  These are coming up now that my son doesn't listen to everything he says.  My husband's current narrative in our house is "no one hears my voice."  The truth of the matter is, if I hear his voice for one more second, my head might explode.  The guy doesn't ever shut up.  I thought that understanding that he has BPD would allow me to live with him with more understanding - which I do - but I feel myself being resentful and mad that I have to be the emotionally stable and safe one in our house and at the same time at doing all that emotionally stable work,  the relationship is NOT meeting any of MY needs.

I'm navigating his antics better - but it doesn't make me FEEL any better that I know WHY he is doing these things (because he has BPD) - it just makes me feel isolated and sad for myself that I chose him.  22 years of being together, 20 years of marriage this coming January, and I feel so sad for what has ensued.  It's has been so hard, and like I'm said - I'm just so tired.

Suggestions?  I want to just leave but don't want to rock the apple cart. I've already tried to leave him twice but unsuccessfully.  Our oldest son is going to be a sophomore, our youngest child is going into 6th grade. My plan is to at least wait until our son leaves the house in 3 years time.  But I don't know if I can hang on that long.

[johnsang]

My husband has a hard time keeping a steady job.  He is an "entrepreneur" and has in-fact started up a business with a business partner who controls everything.  It has been 2 years.  I agreed that he can do this (we share all our finances - mortgage, 2 teenage kids) - he can do whatever he likes - as long as he contributes a certain amount of money(set, agreed upon) every month.

But the familiar pattern has started.  This month, his business partner is probably not going to pay him as there isn't revenue coming in - so now WE have to tighten our belts (this is easy for me - I'm the financially responsible one).  At the same time, he is going to invest a large sum ($20,000) into another business that he is excited about. 

I don't know how to have the conversation that as a contributing adult to our household, he has to uphold his end of the bargain so we can cover all our expenses.

Any suggestions?

On another note - I'm tired. Since my therapist opened my eyes to his BPD diagnosis a couple of months ago, I've processed a lot - I've protected my children better and have managed to avoid conflict between him and our teenage son by diffusing some of his abandonment and rejection issues.  These are coming up now that my son doesn't listen to everything he says.  My husband's current narrative in our house is "no one hears my voice."  The truth of the matter is, if I hear his voice for one more second, my head might explode.  The guy doesn't ever shut up.  I thought that understanding that he has BPD would allow me to live with him with more understanding - which I do - but I feel myself being resentful and mad that I have to be the emotionally stable and safe one in our house and at the same time at doing all that emotionally stable work,  the relationship is NOT meeting any of MY needs.

I'm navigating his antics better - but it doesn't make me FEEL any better that I know WHY he is doing these things (because he has BPD) - it just makes me feel isolated and sad for myself that I chose him.  22 years of being together, 20 years of marriage this coming January, and I feel so sad for what has ensued.  It's has been so hard, and like I'm said - I'm just so tired.

Suggestions?  I want to just leave but don't want to rock the apple cart. I've already tried to leave him twice but unsuccessfully.  Our oldest son is going to be a sophomore, our youngest child is going into 6th grade. My plan is to at least wait until our son leaves the house in 3 years time.  But I don't know if I can hang on that long.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Couper]

Sorry you're going through this.  Business start-ups are difficult enough without BPD issues attached to them -- and that goes both on the giving or receiving end.

Since you put "entrepreneur" in quotes, am I correct in detecting a certain level of contempt for this venture?  Your post is a little light on background information and I'm certainly not trying to pry, but I would say that if he does not exercise the actual control and manage the risk for this venture, he is more in the category of being an investor than an entrepreneur. 

Does he have proven past experience of building and organization and reaping a profit?

Has he gotten back whatever he "invested" in the first business and is now being paid out of the profits (even if cash flow is irregular) or is that money still on the other side of the balance sheet?

Will he exercise any control over the other business where he wants to invest the $20K and, if so, he is an "expert on topic" for whatever this other business is?  Calculating risk requires a thorough understanding of of the business where it is being invested -- not just trusting other people to do what is best with your money.

If the answer to my second question is "no" and you are the breadwinner, is it safe to assume that he is not reinvesting money he has already earned from the first venture into the second venture, therefore with you being the breadwinner he is really  using your income to embark on this? 

You certainly don't owe me any answers regarding your personal finances, I'm just trying to get your wheels turning by trying to illustrate that you may potentially be a party to these ventures by proxy and therefore you should have the confidence to have a solid say in where the money goes.  If venture no. 1 is not reaping a profit at all and your income is being used to support a non-working adult while he embarks on this and now he wants to use your income to become involved in venture no. 2, you should be free to express that -- sorry, our partnership comes before these other partnerships and the risk isn't worth the reward given the undue strain it will put on the household.

I know that's easier said than done and someone else here likely has a better way to say it to a person with BPD.  Point being is that if chucking money down a black hole is merely to appease him and avoid a conflict, that is only kicking the can down the road for the greater conflict that is sure to come later after these ventures don't pan out.