Is this a bad idea?

[Schermarhorn]

The semester is getting ready to start and I need a clear head to get my grades back up. I know I need to do something, because my summer grades suffered and I have been miserable for almost 2 months.

After my uBPD ex sent me her apology, I tried to reply to her twice, one message was read, and other one wasn't. I imagine I was blocked again.

I want to send her one more message and then full out block her on everything, so when she comes back to message me (if she does at all) she will see the message, and I will be hopefully doing something meaningful.

Here is the message:

"THIS IS FOR WHEN YOU UNBLOCK ME: You probably just had another breakup and you are looking for someone else to prevent you from feeling alone. I was so confused about your actions when we were together, but I believe I have finally figured out what was actually going on. I have been looking into Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and it fits you perfectly. It explains everything. I don't know if you do have it, but I know you demonstrate every symptom, down to the overeating. It even explains why you seemed to be bipolar to me, because they are very similar. PTSD, Depression, and abuse makes you very likely to have it. I feel you may have already been diagnosed with it, but if you haven't... .you really need to check. You said yourself that you self sabotage. This is not me using it as a scapegoat for our relationship failing, I know I f***** up a lot of things. I do not deny that at all. I just genuinely care about you, and I don't want you to be miserable your whole life. It will not go away unless you get help from a BPD specialist. It appears that normal therapists will be really reluctant in diagnosing people with it, because it hides itself well outside of relationships. I would not be telling you this unless I was sure that there is a good chance you actually have it. The way you idolized me, and then discarded me was unreal. You said I meant so much to you and then you go to another guy like I was nothing. The moment I really thought you had it, was when you apologized to me after the last breakup. You didn't grieve the relationship and you attempted to come back to me to avoid being single, and at that point you told your current BF that I was dangerous. I even predicted your apology and how it would be. I knew you would play the victim and you would've projected a lot of what you did in our relationship to me. I suspect that you messaged a lot of guys, and the reason you ignored/blocked me was because you found someone already before I replied. You brought up marriage, you brought up kids, I just went along with it because I really enjoyed being with you. I followed your pace and it just sped up the process of destruction. Unfortunately you were just using me and you actually never loved me. It hurts, but it is the truth. Its not your fault, you can't help what happened to you as a child. But you can heal and be happy. It will be hard, but it beats the hell out of going through a breakup every couple months. Even though I love being with you, I cannot enable you. I am just being torn apart by it, and it just keeps you in the cycle of meaningless relationships. After I send this message I will have blocked you on everything. Do not attempt to contact me at all, unless you are being treated and need support. I hope life gets better for you, and remember that I will always care about you."

I need to know the implications of sending such a message. I get everything that has been eating at me off my chest, but I am also worried that it would provoke her to start a smear campaign, or pursue me harder. I feel like it would provide the closure I need, as it essentially forces me to block her.

Opinions welcome 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, it's a bad idea.  Well, that's a little definitive, and I could explain why, but first, turn it around: imagine she sent you a message like that.  How would you feel?  What would it mean?  Really, imagine she really did send you that message; how would you feel?

[valet]

Hey nonya, I understand the pain that your in and the lack of closure after a relationship with a pwBPD ends. It's not very fun and the urge to send her a message like that may appear to help soothe you.

This is not a judgement on you.

I think she would interpret those words very negatively. She has already devalued you, so the positive parts would likely carry little to no weight. It might, despite your intention, seem like an attack on her sense of self buttered up a little bit, which would also seem a bit patronizing.

I know that you want to help her, even if it is at a distance, but I sense a lot of buried anger here. Usually there is pain under anger.

What do you think?

[Schermarhorn]

Yes, it's a bad idea.  Well, that's a little definitive, and I could explain why, but first, turn it around: imagine she sent you a message like that.  How would you feel?  What would it mean?  Really, imagine she really did send you that message; how would you feel?

It would suck, but its not meant to make her feel good. Its meant to burn bridges and make me feel better, while also hopefully planting a seed (probably won't though).

So you think it would cause a reaction?

[Schermarhorn]

Hey nonya, I understand the pain that your in and the lack of closure after a relationship with a pwBPD ends. It's not very fun and the urge to send her a message like that may appear to help soothe you.

This is not a judgement on you.

I think she would interpret those words very negatively. She has already devalued you, so the positive parts would likely carry little to no weight. It might, despite your intention, seem like an attack on her sense of self buttered up a little bit, which would also seem a bit patronizing.

I know that you want to help her, even if it is at a distance, but I sense a lot of buried anger here. Usually there is pain under anger.

What do you think?

Okay, so maybe it is a bad idea.

I won't send it. Thanks for the help guys.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, it's a bad idea.  Well, that's a little definitive, and I could explain why, but first, turn it around: imagine she sent you a message like that.  How would you feel?  What would it mean?  Really, imagine she really did send you that message; how would you feel?

It would suck, but its not meant to make her feel good. Its meant to burn bridges and make me feel better, while also hopefully planting a seed (probably won't though).

So you think it would cause a reaction?

Being angry and wanting to get back at an abuser, get revenge, is normal.  From experience, and you can read a lot of cases here, it's best to channel that anger in positive directions, like use it as fuel to motivate you to learn as much as you can, about the disorder yes, but also about yourself, to take care of yourself very well, and to start creating a future you want to live.  Sending something like that to her will have either no impact that you'll know of or a negative one, which could have consequences, some of which you haven't considered.  What won't happen is she'll call you, tell you you were right, she's in long-term therapy, she's truly and deeply sorry, can we get back together, and I'm 'normal' now.

[Invictus01]

Generally speaking, if you are asking yourself whether or not something is a bad idea... .it probably is... .

[Schermarhorn]

Yes, it's a bad idea.  Well, that's a little definitive, and I could explain why, but first, turn it around: imagine she sent you a message like that.  How would you feel?  What would it mean?  Really, imagine she really did send you that message; how would you feel?

It would suck, but its not meant to make her feel good. Its meant to burn bridges and make me feel better, while also hopefully planting a seed (probably won't though).

So you think it would cause a reaction?

Being angry and wanting to get back at an abuser, get revenge, is normal.  From experience, and you can read a lot of cases here, it's best to channel that anger in positive directions, like use it as fuel to motivate you to learn as much as you can, about the disorder yes, but also about yourself, to take care of yourself very well, and to start creating a future you want to live.  Sending something like that to her will have either no impact that you'll know of or a negative one, which could have consequences, some of which you haven't considered.  What won't happen is she'll call you, tell you you were right, she's in long-term therapy, she's truly and deeply sorry, can we get back together, and I'm 'normal' now.

I wasn't trying to be angry or get back at her when I wrote that. I just wanted her to sorta hate me I guess? So any chances of us getting together again would be zero. While also getting my frustrations out of the way and if no one has mentioned BPD to her, it would be then.

I still feel like I could get sucked in, and I don't want that to happen. I want to put it all behind me and continue on with my life.

I feel if I just block her without sending her anything, I would just unblock her later and keep holding on to everything.

[Turkish]

I remember I once said to my Ex, "you're crazy!" I didn't mean it literally, but it was in the heat of the moment. She said, "I am not crazy! Don't ever call me that!" I think this was before she was Dx'd with depression. pwBPD suffer from a core sense of shame. Triggering that shame results in bad behaviors. I'm glad you decided not to send the message.

If your buddy told you that you were crazy in an argument, say, you might laugh it off. A pwBPD traits would likely react differently, and might go on the attack. Many of us have done it. I did it once during an argument when I perceived that she was going to go for full custody. She told me later that it scared the crap out of her. Borderline. Personality. Disorder.

Nearer to when she was leaving my house, I put a flea in her ear about her bf possibly not being healthy. She did some internet searching, came to me and said, "I think I might have some type of attachment disorder." I was silent, or possibly I grunted. She was leaving, and her journey was, and still is, her own. That's detachment, the goal of all here.

Anger is understandable (I'm still angry 1.5 years later... .my lingering attachment of my emotions to a situation beyond my control). Wishing someone to get help is also understandable. It shows that in some way that you still care. As tough as it may be to accept, she's an independent entity, free to make her choices, both foolish and wise. If its a tool to drive her away, be mindful of possible repercussions, and further engagement and possibly anger on her side. See here for more discussion on this.

[eeks]

I wasn't trying to be angry or get back at her when I wrote that. I just wanted her to sorta hate me I guess? So any chances of us getting together again would be zero. While also getting my frustrations out of the way and if no one has mentioned BPD to her, it would be then.

I still feel like I could get sucked in, and I don't want that to happen. I want to put it all behind me and continue on with my life.

I feel if I just block her without sending her anything, I would just unblock her later and keep holding on to everything.

So it sounds like you are wanting a way to process/release your emotions, and you're trying to do that at the same time as providing difficult but what you hope will be helpful information about her psychological state.  General opinion so far seems to be, don't send.  It's up to you, of course, but I think it's best to keep thinking, as you've been doing, about your motivation for sending it, what you think it will accomplish, and whether there might be other effective ways of dealing with your painful emotions and coming to closure rather than sending this message.  And whether there might be other effective ways of ensuring your chance of getting back together is "zero", rather than "making her hate you".

It seems to me there's something you want to communicate with her.  You say you want to send this then block, but... .is there a part of you hoping for a response?  Hoping for an impact on her of some kind?  There's no shame in that, I just think it's an important question to ask yourself.

If you do decide to send something, I'm anticipating that problems might result from trying to send both the information about BPD and a summary of how the relationship hurt you, in the same message.

I don't have experience with the "do you tell them" question (my uBPD ex had a psychiatrist tell him he had "BPD traits", and my uBPD former friend thought she had it from what she had read, although she had not been diagnosed).  It is difficult in any case to know whether or not you should tell them, but in this case because the information about BPD is coming along with statements about the impact of the relationship.  Also, because you have said you'll block her, she'll have whatever emotions she has about not having an opportunity to respond.  Somehow that makes me suspect that any information you say about BPD, difficult in and of itself, will get lost, amongst the other emotional content of this message.

[Duder]

Don't do it. You'll regret it. In the back of your mind you'll always be wondering if she was mad,hurt... etc.and if she doesn't reply that will be worse. Remember you're dealing with someone who has issues. Sorry if it sounds harsh.

[Sadly]

I understand why you want to do this. I have written so many letters to my ex but I never send them. I did once and it had horrendous consequences however I still write because it helps me. I imagine he is reading them. Sometimes I re read them myself and it makes me cry and sometimes it reminds me what sort of hell I was in. I understand my words, he most certainly wouldn't so it would all be a bit pointless. I know he is mentally ill and somewhere inside himself he knows he has a serious problem, his world is full of anxiety and anger and I know if I sent him my letters I would add to it. I switch from calling him every nasty name in the book (only to myself) to actually knowing that he cannot help it, he is ill. I wouldn't add to his anxiety. Try writing all your feelings and and stuff down for yourself, it is quite cathartic for me. Luck to you. xx

[sas1729]

Hey Nonya,

As cathartic as it was to write that message (and it was well written), I believe that's where the closure ends. I advise against sending it. As others have said, I do not think there is much positive to gain from sending it. It will feel good for the moment if you press send, but ultimately I think it may lead to much unhappiness.

Think about all of the fights you had in your relationship with your ex. Think about the lack of logic. Think about the lack of listening to your opinions and feelings. Why should any of it change with this message? If you want to go NC, then just do it. I don't think there is any way to get verbal closure from this kind of relationship. Sometimes you may get temporary closure, but then it comes back. It's appeasement on their part, not a definite end.

You will have to seek closure in a different place.

[problemsolver]

I was like you , just craving a response as she just "ghosted" on me I sent a long winded message ... .she actually responded but basically destroyed me... and only picked apart the negatives in the letter.

[living in the past]

 What i learned here is don"t send it, and there is no closure,and for me the sooner i get on with my life the better off i am,trying and succeeding little by little.