Summertime Sadness...

[cauliflower5]

Hi All,

It's been a month and a half now since my uBPDexGF left me (After an argument). I'm no longer in shock, but I find it increasingly difficult to detach from her and and all our memories of being together for a year and a half. She's on my mind 95% of the time where my emotions bounce back between anger and sadness. It doesn't help that we were our first for everything, and it REALLY doesn't help that I was co-dependant in an emotionally abusive relationship.

We're both 18, I managed to finish my first year of Uni with distinction. She on the other hand dropped out of high school but has worked really hard and done well in her job. Because of her family situation at home she moved in with my family and has been living with me for an entire year.

After a stressful first year I was looking forward to spending the summer with her, and now she's gone back to live her with mother... .

I've been maintaining NC and never initiate contact, but she sometimes calls me to check on me and tells me she misses me. She's grown close to one of her male friends (She says he's not a boyfriend but I don't believe it), which she admitted that they've been somewhat physical, and she justifies it as 'being lonely', and shes 'out of control'. She often tells me how she feels empty and doesn't know who she really is right now.

I decided to enforce strict NC, just for my own sake, and I know if I push her to come back to me all I will be doing is pushing her closer to her replacement. I ended up dropping off the rest of her belongings and told her goodbye.

Basically from my last encounter with her:

- She apologised profusely, she definitely felt guilt and possibly shame, and she says she knows that her actions have caused me pain

- She told me she felt the urge to cut herself (She's done this many times in the past, or she hits herself on the head after our arguments)

- She told me she doesn't really know who she is anymore, recently she bought a plane ticket to visit her hometown for a month, without mentioning it to anyone. (Her mother mentions that was very impulsive of her)

- When I demanded answers because I was confused by her behaviour, she says she doesn't understand why shes behaving like that and shes confused too

- Ultimately she is definitely not her self. She said she felt as if her head was going to explode, and that she sees herself outside of her body and right now she doesn't know what to do

- She also said that her 1 month vacation alone to her hometown away from ME and her REPLACEMENT is what she needs to figure out what she wants. She mentioned that it was a 'life decision', because she will decide if she should give our relationship a second chance

Right now I have no problem sticking with NC, I just have a feeling she is going to contact me again before she leaves for vacation or even when she is in her hometown. I really want to move on and heal, but I also am willing to try a relationship with her again.

I just want to know what are my best options for myself and possibly a future with her. I'm still struggling with a broken heart and often find boards like these therapeutic...

[Turkish]

Maintaining NC isn't answering her when she calls to talk, it's more like LC, with you in control... .kind of. 

Do you really want a r/s in the future? Are you OK with this arrangement for now?  It's understandable that you are still attached to desire some contact,  though with boundaries. What's your goal here? Will you be OK with this arrangement, say,  8 months from now?  She'll keep calling because you're still answering.  If you're OK with this, then that's fine,  but it might not likely change. 

[cauliflower5]

Maintaining NC isn't answering her when she calls to talk, it's more like LC, with you in control... .kind of. 

Do you really want a r/s in the future? Are you OK with this arrangement for now?  It's understandable that you are still attached to desire some contact,  though with boundaries. What's your goal here? Will you be OK with this arrangement, say,  8 months from now?  She'll keep calling because you're still answering.  If you're OK with this, then that's fine,  but it might not likely change. 

My goal is to start a relationship with her again. But I want to be emotionally healed. I have been reading guides on this site which have been really helpful. She's on my mind most of the time and I want to be able to not be so obsessed with her. I don't stalk her on social media, I don't EVER show up to her house, I have no problem staying in LC with me in control (Somewhat), but I'm not sure if I should go FULL NC and completely ignore her... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey cauliflower5:

       

We're both 18, I managed to finish my first year of Uni with distinction. She on the other hand dropped out of high school but has worked really hard and done well in her job. 

Good job on your first year! 

Summer can be a good time to focus on having some fun.  Get out and about with old friends and perhaps make some new friends along the way.  Any thought of what you might enjoy doing?

It is good that you have read some of the guides on this website.  They can be helpful skills for any relationship down the road.  it might be interesting to spend a little time and read some of the posts in various areas of the website.  If you want children in the future, you might ask yourself if she would be a good mother. 

You are so young.  First love can seem so special, but as we gain more life experience and grow, many look back upon those earlier days and are happy they evolved into new relationships and experiences.  It can be a time in your life to be unencumbered and just have some fun.

Sometime we get attached and it can be hard to let go.  One way to evaluate things is to step back from your emotions and make a pro and con list. 

[Turkish]

Maintaining NC isn't answering her when she calls to talk, it's more like LC, with you in control... .kind of. 

Do you really want a r/s in the future? Are you OK with this arrangement for now?  It's understandable that you are still attached to desire some contact,  though with boundaries. What's your goal here? Will you be OK with this arrangement, say,  8 months from now?  She'll keep calling because you're still answering.  If you're OK with this, then that's fine,  but it might not likely change. 

My goal is to start a relationship with her again. But I want to be emotionally healed.

So you're conflicted,. That's OK.  Taking space to process is helpful,  but getting stuck in a rut due to conflicting emotions may not be the most helpful in the long run for either of you.  What is your vision of being emotionally healed?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey cauliflower, What makes you think that your Ex GF has BPD?  How did you become aware of BPD yourself?  Most people your age have never heard about the disorder.

LuckyJim