My 15 year old BPD daugter is laying around in bed all the time

[Ohiomom01]

My 15 year old BPD daugter is laying around in bed all the time. I keep trying to get her up but I can never get her to do anything. Doesn't even do chores most of the time. How do you get your kids moving without making them feel bad?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Ohiomom01  

Quick stop to welcome you to our parent board. I read your intro post and decided to reply here instead. There is a lot of love in that intro, as well as the frustrations. Be kind to yourself -- we each have to learn as we go and this is a really supportive, informative place to be. My BPDDD is now 28. She also has had a long struggle with anxiety/panic, depression, etc. and was dx BPD when she was 23. This information opened a doorway for me to seek a better way to be in her life. I found this website, I quit seeing the therapist that was undermining my love for my DD, and have been able to build a local support network for myself. When I am caring for myself - body, mind, emotions, spirit - then I can be there for my DD no matter what. Being angry is at the top of the list with her. She resists treatment mightily.

There is no ready answer to your question about getting our kiddos out of bed and active in the real world (vs. active in the virtual world). This was an issue when my DD was 15 -16 too. There are others here with adolescents. Hopefully they will be along soon. Weekends are often kind of quiet on this board.

Have you visited the Foundation Reading link on the right sidebar? This also includes some good vidoes that are focused on adolescents.

It is really late, so I have to go for tonight. I will check back tomorrow. Let us know how things are going.

qcr

[DisneyMom]

I have this same struggle with my 15 year old, so I can relate. Here's what I have learned.

If she senses I am concerned about her staying in bed, she gets MORE anxious and angry. I have to just periodically non-chalantly invite her out to do things and keep the tone in my voice like I'm NOT desperately trying to get her out of bed. I keep my tone upbeat, focused and interested in what activity/thing that I am asking her to come out for. If she says no, I don't act like its a big deal. When she sees me interested and engaged in something, I think her mind switches to maybe this would be more fun than laying in bed.

Inside of course I am worried because I know this is so bad for her as she struggles with depression. She knows it too, and I'm sure she feels bad about it. If "I" call attention to "how bad it is for her to stay in bed" it makes her feel worse that I am noticing it. I see those moments of her choosing to get up on her own and I know she's trying hard to make an effort, but she doesn't want anyone else to see how hard it is for her.

It sometimes helps just to offer a kindness. I'll open her door and ask if she wants a cup of tea or something. I ask about what show she is watching or game she is playing and make and effort to show an interest even if its just pure junk. The more positive tone I have with her, the more likely it is she will want to say yes when I ask if she wants to come out to do something.

Chores are a struggle, I've had to lower my expectations. It helps to have an immediate incentive that happens "after the dishes are done" or "after your laundry is folded" but it doesn't always work.

I'm at least less worried if she keeps her bedroom door open and I can be hanging out near enough to engage her in occasional conversation. I know that takes a lot of trust on her part that I'm not going to nag her.

[Ohiomom01]

Thank you for your responses.

It was a rough night last night. We go out to lunch as a family on the weekends and did so yesterday. Things were going ok until my dh brought up at issue with the our daughter's online BF that we learned when we snooped in her online chats recently. (We snooped because it seemed she was becoming more and more dis-regulated and I wanted some insight into what might be happening. She is aware we snooped and angry at us for doing so as you might expect. However, I don't regret doing so because she was about to do something very inappropriate and I was able to stop her before she did.) I grabbed my dh's knee under the table and gave him a sign to stop the conversation. Our son at the table was unaware of the things we had learned and I was afraid it would set her off badly to have it brought up at a happy time. DD hold A LOT of frustration toward dad for not being involved emotionally with her. He loves her but does not show it due to his own issues/depression/personality. Anyway, after lunch, back to bed she went and I couldn't keep her awake despite my many tries to get her up. If she sleeps all day, then she can't sleep at night, hence can't get up to go to school the next morning. So I feel I HAVE to intervene to some level to keep her functioning.

As you might imagine she slept a fair bit despite me telling her to get up. Then at night when she is restricted from using electronics, and now awake, she starts texting me from her bedroom (a common way for her to communicate with me since she express more frustration that way without having to face me. She is very passive and introverted by nature.) She is absolutely fuming with anger toward her father. She brings up all the issues she has - problems with us saying she has "issues" or referring to her "condition". She was even frustrated that I am reading self help books for dealing with BPD people. I thought I actually did a pretty good job of just listening without replying when my instinct was to correct her thinking or explain myself. I did pretty good at being validating without coming across insincere, which is quite challenging for me. I even compromised and tried to stop controlling everything in the moment and agreed to open the internet access so she could communicate with her BF for a few more minutes to help her self sooth - although BF had gone to bed so wasn't available - which lead to me being the one to be there for her to sooth herself. I endured about an hour and a half of intense validating when I should be asleep until she got it out of her system. But I think I did pretty well in that she was saying last night she wouldn't be going to school today but she did get up without any comments from me and went to school. And since attending school regularly has been our first priority in this long journey, I was happy with that. Unfortunately I was too worked up to sleep hardly at all last night so I am frustrated internally for being a slave to this torture.

One thing I could use some help with is that my daughter wants to stop going to therapy - makes sense to her that she is happy as she is, there is nothing wrong with her, we are forcing her to go and this causes her discomfort and anger with us that is always present. She also doesn't like other boundaries we have set with the electronics use, etc. How do you handle adolescence who keep bringing up frustration with therapy or boundaries on a regular basis?

[Rlsmith2]

Hi... Parenting is so difficult with a regular teenager then you add BPD and oh my! I have a DD21 with BPD who is doing great and DD 15 who I adopted from the foster care system with Histrionic and Narcissistic disorder. My 15 year old can be difficult. If you have time to learn about SET (sympathy, empathy and truth) communication statements this may help. There is training on this site. For example acknowledge that she may not want to therapy and it may be uncomfortable and frustrating for her and I would ask specifically she doesn't like about it, it could be she isn't connecting with her therapist, however you feel as her parent this is best for her.  You may be able to solve the therapist issue and communicate with the therapist. If possible ignore the attention seeking behavior (easier said than done). We have a behavior contract and it works great! She got a buy in on the rewards and consequences. I praise constantly! Even the little stuff.

I communicate with my 15 year old therapist constantly. Second take some time for yourself. Do something that makes you feel good. I excercise and this is a no kid time... Finally, love them right where they are and know that it will get better. Maybe it will take some time and maybe your success will be measured in moments of peace and celebrate those moments!'

[Tamara96]

Hi.

Wow! So many of us can relate to your experiences.  Thank you so much for raising this sleep issue.

My DD has been sleeping excessively since she was 14. She is 18 now. As the years went by it has become worse, and continues to grow. I don't know what to say, as our family struggles daily to get her out of bed and to become engaged.

We are told this is no longer depression; the sleeping meets several BPD needs:

- it's a form of self soothing (as is incessant computer/tv phone use)

-it's a way to disassociate from their emotions and thoughts - shutting themselves off from their emotions

- it's a way to be alone but stay close to us (BPD often want to be alone but are also scared to be alone)

Maybe her therapist can help you determine why she is sleeping - is it depression and anxiety or is from being overwhelmed from her emotions as a BPD. My daughter has suffered from depression, she has severe generalized anxiety so I know this is not simple task. But observe why and when she goes to sleep and for how long. It will offer you lots of clues. Distinguishing helps how you can communicate with her and what type of support she needs at that moment.

Also BPD teens need more frequent check up with pediatrician. When DD was 15, we accidentally discovered she was anemic, low vitamin D and had Mono - that certainly compounded matters. (Irregular eating and sleep habits don't help teen's growing body). (Dr. didn't buy she was just depressed so did a full blood pane which helped some).

Also, if she is saying she doesn't want to see her therapist, maybe she wants change. Sometimes that could be her way of saying her therapist is not helping her anymore? Or it's because the therapist is making her do work that is too hard? Maybe a new therapist can bring a fresh perspective.

Sometimes a little break isn't bad. We have often that done. She always went back to it. Her therapist did not fight her urges to quit, instead he would redirect her,  tell her, "why don't you try on your own for a bit and we touch base in 2 months to see how you are doing". The appointment was scheduled, 2 months would go back, and then she always resumed therapy again.

Good luck!