Too angry to attempt to reconcille things with my undiagnosed BPD mother

[Tired_of_This24]

Hi there - I am just here to vent and look for some empathy and perhaps advice.

I'm in my 40s and have been convinced for decades that my mother has BPD.

I've recently moved into a new home and she arrived the other night and just let herself in with her spare key - I said "Mother! Can you ring the bell next time please? I could have been walking around naked!" and off course this set her off into a rage - she went off to walk the dog and then came back and gave me the silent treatment when I asked if she wanted food and I (stupidly) asked what was wrong. She said: "You made me feel so unwelcome - you have so many rules, I've been crying all the way on our walk. No one would ever behave like that in Ireland" etc etc etc. Basic standard BPD character assassination stuff.

I am just so tired of this. I am so busy with the new house and working full time all on my own. And I'm so angry and sad that I have a mother who feels it is appropriate to respond to my mild annoyance and request for a certain boundary to be respected with a full blown attack. And she refuses to acknowledge that there is anything she can do about it - "You should know that I am sensitive and you shouldn't speak to me like that. You are incredibly hurtful in how you talk to people" etc etc. I don't think this is true. I can be direct but I am very conscious of not being aggressive. I made a simple request that she respect my house as mine and got my entire personality attacked as a result.

She looks at me with such utter disgust, like she wishes she had beaten this out of me when I was a kid. Well she beat something into me. A deep seated reclutance to get into any relationship because they are so exhausting. An inability to ask for help presumably as it has always been on me to look after her (my Dad worked away, largely I suspect to get away from her emotional and physical abuse) and deal with her rages. I was so angry with her attacking me for no reason that my ears were actually ringing - I had to ask her to leave the house before I smashed something and I slammed the door after her.

I have dug out my "Essential Family Guide to BPD" book and read the tools but they all come from a place where the non-BPD isn't ridiculously angry at the BPD and the situation so all the tools feel like fairy tales to me right now. I'm so angry she has never gotten help. I'm so angry she has not done something to prevent her behaviour from damaging those around her. I'm so tired and sad of having to deal with this on my own (I'm an only child and my parents divorced a few years ago). I'm furious that my own mother can behave like such a f*&^king b*tch and always assumes the absolute worst of me and my intentions. Where there is two ways to interpret something, she will pick the way that makes me seem like a monster. I'm angry that I have to deal with this, and likely spend money and time on my own therapy. I know this is her illness but I can't seem to stop being so angry with her and this situation (my life!).

So the question I hope you can help with is this: where do I go from here with all this anger? I haven't spoken to her in days and I don't want to apologise, because I honestly did not do anything wrong, although I obviously care that she is probably upset I just can't see a way forward right now.

[Pook075]

So the question I hope you can help with is this: where do I go from here with all this anger?

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm very sorry you're going through this and it sounds really stressful. 

We've all been treated poorly at times in our BPD relationships and it is absolutely, positively unfair.  Sometimes we unintentionally hit "triggers" though and the blow-out feels entirely out of proportion.  In this particular instance, I noticed that you typed "Mother!" with an exclamation point, and I could hear it in your voice that you snapped at her with your very first word.

Were you justified?  Sure, you were irritated by your mom's persistence in crossing boundaries.  But your mom has a severe mental illness and instantly felt rejected, demoralized, etc.  Your words invalidated her and once that happens, logic goes out the window and she's running purely on emotional fear of abandonment.

Please understand that I'm not blaming you, shaming you, or anything like that.  We've all been there and we've all said things that felt right in the moment, and then they blew up in our faces.  This is a great learning opportunity and the lesson you're searching for is to not be invalidating- https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

I'm glad you shared with us and I hope we can help you as a community.  These situations are...grrr.  LOL.  Not fun at all.  But unfortunately, we have to be the adult in the room and learn to lead with empathy and compassion.

Can you see how a slightly different approach could have led to a completely different outcome?

[zachira]

The anger at a mother with BPD for how she character assassinates her child when she is feeling abandoned can often be extremely destabilizing and overwhelming even for an adult child. Know that you are not alone in feeling this kind of anger. My mother with BPD is deceased. The best advice my therapist ever gave me about dealing with a disordered person was to observe how I was feeling inside instead of focusing on the behaviors of the disordered person. Usually under overwhelming anger, there is a deep sadness that needs to be processed, often by crying deeply when we need to so we can feel relieved, grieve, and heal. My emotions were so bottled up I had to go to therapy to be able to cry and feel my sadness for all the life time losses of being abused by a mother with BPD and her enablers.
A mother with BPD does not see her child as a separate person and uses her child to project her emotions onto so she does not have to deal with how she feels inside. Probably the biggest task for the adult child of a mother with BPD is  to separate emotionally from the mother: to recognize what emotions are the  mother's and own what are yours. This is indeed a challenging task for the adult child because from the day we are born we are parentified, expected to feel and take care of the mother with BPD's overwhelming emotions while not being validated for how we feel inside.
There are several members on PSI who have a mother similar to yours. Some choose to have limited contact with their mother while others go through periods of no contact sometimes deciding to make the no contact permanent. Your situation is particularly heartbreaking and infuriating because you are an only child and have never had siblings to share the burden of being around your mother. Have you ever talked with your father about the divorce and how he is doing since the divorce? It certainly becomes more difficult when the spouse is no longer around either through death or divorce, and the adult child is more alone than even in dealing with the abnormal behaviors of their mother with BPD.

[TelHill]

Welcome tired_of_this 

I completely understand  your frustration and anguish as I am the middle aged only daughter of a mother with BPD. She's been abusive to me ever since I can remember. She's in perpetual "if I get an inch, I'll take a mile" mode with aggressive language and behavior. My father also worked many extra hours away from home partly to stay away. I have an older sibling but they were the golden child who, while abused, was not targeted like I was. They left home when I was 8 to attend a boarding high school so I was like an only child at that point.

The normal things one does to try to correct a loved one's behavior-- using sharp words or talking it out rationally -- do not work. It made my mother more enraged and ready to fight.

You do have choices with how you want to go forward with your interactions. I used no contact, low contact and very low contact to protect myself from her for many years after the age of 18.  It helps me to separate from her to avoid that awful reality of being consumed and controlled. I think it served notice to her that I was setting boundaries due to her inappropriate behavior.  It's hard to say if it changed her. I felt a little more in control of my life.

Also, you may consider changing your front door lock and not give her a copy. It's your right not to tell her in advance or tell her your reasons.

I find it helpful not tell my mother or father much information about my life in order for her to not have the ability to put me down. I keep things light and superficial.  She didn't like it at first when I slowly withdrew. She doesn't fight it any longer.

I feel sorry for her and my dad. They grew up overseas in a small place during a war. Before and after this, there were a gang of malignant narcissists who ran the place terrorizing and stealing from the townspeople. I believe she was born with genes that predisposed her to this condition as well.

I feel sorry for me, too. No one asks or deserves to have an out of sorts mother. It's not been easy for me. It's not been easy for any of the posters on this forum who have a disordered parent.

Reading the tips and tricks on this forum have been helpful.  Venting helps too. There's a lot good information elsewhere online and therapy.

[Tired_of_This24]

Can you see how a slightly different approach could have led to a completely different outcome?

This sounds just like her - she expects me to never express any sort of mild annoyance or she rages at me. This “Mother!” was not said by me with any sort of aggression - it was more a “oh mother dear” tone, which I appreciate does not come across in text. But it really wasn’t aggressive, it was jovial if still annoyed.

This is my point though - am I to walk on eggshells around her forever for fear of being attacked? And never express any annoyance whatsoever? I am just not willing to do that. Particularly as I am so angry still with the unfairness of it all. I requested that she behave slightly differently in future and she attacked my whole character - how is that remotely fair, kind or logical? She needs to accept that sometimes close family members will express dissatisfaction with her behaviour but that does not mean they are being actively hostile or deserve to be attacked.

She has not been “home” to Ireland for decades because she has assumed her sisters have completely rejected her. It’s desperately sad but she refuses to take any sort of responsibility for this and takes no action on her part, just claiming that they are awful and controlling (they are not).

My struggle is that, although I want to help our relationship not be so dramatic, I can’t see how I can possibly “not be invalidating” when I am so conscious to not be aggressive (I just asked that she behave slightly differently in future, I didn’t say anything about her as a person, along the lines of “You are so inconsiderate just barging in here without knocking” or anything like that, I simply requested a change in behaviour and made light of it by saying “I might have been walking around naked!”) and yet it still kicks off. I honestly don’t see how I could be less invalidating while also making the request and I don’t see why I should be walking on eggshells trying to make sure I don’t poke the border-lion forever. I mean, as I write this perhaps I do see that perhaps I need to see her as if she is autistic or a toddler in a 65 year old’s body or something. And if a 5 year old child of mine said “I hate you Mummy!” Then that wouldn’t trigger me at all, because I’d know it was just a tantrum. It’s just so exhausting. And unfair. Your mother is not supposed to be like this. She’s supposed to be quite the opposite!

If she had a diagnosis and was doing something about it then I might feel less resentful and angry.

Anyway, I might write her a letter and drop it off tomorrow - there’s a lot to say and I think it’s best if it’s unilateral communication for now.

[Tired_of_This24]

I feel sorry for me, too. No one asks or deserves to have an out of sorts mother. It's not been easy for me. It's not been easy for any of the posters on this forum who have a disordered parent.

Reading the tips and tricks on this forum have been helpful.  Venting helps too. There's a lot good information elsewhere online and therapy.

Thank you for this - really resonated. I wish I could help the little girl me as well as me right now, I’m just so sad I spent so long in life thinking that this was normal and I must have done something wrong to deserve it. When I see the artwork I made when I was a kid I’m like “how did no one refer me to a counsellor immediately?” - like family portraits of me hiding in a corner cowering etc

I’m still angry that I have to do this - I have so much to do right now to get my life less chaotic - although mainly sadness has taken over today. But also f*ck this bullsh&t. I didn’t ask for or deserve this. None of us did.

I just can’t help also thinking - if I realised that something I was doing was poisoning my neighbours and family, I would be horrified, I would do anything I could to make sure I stopped hurting them. But her vanity seems to prevent her from doing that - she can’t possibly admit that anything is in her wheelhouse. And that makes me angry again!

[Pook075]

This sounds just like her - she expects me to never express any sort of mild annoyance or she rages at me.

First off, please understand that I'm on your side in this.  I go through this with my BPD daughter all the time and my ex-wife (her mom) is also BPD.  We divorced a few months ago.  It's infuriating and I completely get it.

But there's also a truth that I figured out.  I can "be right" or I can "have a relationship."  It's almost impossible to have both no matter how hard you try.

You're in a position where you're going to have to choose.  Is it time to go no contact and stop making efforts?  Or is it time to work on better communication to minimize your mom's drama?  Both paths are wide open, even though it probably doesn't feel like it right now.

The problem with where you're at, having a broken relationship and being filled with anger all the time, is that it hurts you more than anything.  Nobody should live like that, and I'm speaking from personal experience.  That was my life for years and it literally almost killed me (heart attack from the constant stress).

I'm not telling you what to do; I'm just saying there's real options if you want to improve your relationship with your mom.  I wish you luck no matter what though.

[Swimmy55]

Excellent points.   The only thing I have to add to what was already stated is what I am going through now, myself:  The acceptance of our BPD parent that this is how they are going to act.  No matter what.  This is what they are going to say- no matter what. 

 This is the hardest part.  In their minds, they are right, we are wrong.  We don't have a right to decency or privacy , etc.  It's all about them.   However, we know better, don't we?  We don't need to depend on their validation of us as adults .  This is a hard truth .  We have every right to be angry about this, but at the end of the day , it will make no difference to the BPD .  So we have to look out for us and depend less on our BPD's reactions , because they are going to be out of whack anyway.  We have to be ok with them not being ok- and that takes a while to process.   I am doing some reading on detachment - here is something from this website that may help:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194050.0
Please know we are here for you and with you.

[Notwendy]

I understand the anger. Anger is an emotion, just like any other one. I don't think we need to judge our emotions and when we tune in to our own feelings, they tell us something. Anger is felt when our boundaries are being crossed. Your mother should not be letting herself into your house unanounced.

Consider the purpose of anger. You try to take a dog's food bowl away from them. The dog might growl at you. The lesson- "put the food back that's my food". The problem with showing anger to my BPD mother is that it doesn't get the message through to her. She goes into Victim mode and projects it back out. She feels attacked and then, will send the anger back. Showing anger at BPD mother is like peeing into the wind. We end up covered in the pee. She stays dry.

This isn't to say that the anger isn't justified. It's that it's ineffective and mostly just makes the situation worse for the person who is angry. So what to do about the boundary "don't come in my house unanounced"- don't let her have the key.

My BPD mother has snooped in our house- looking at personal papers- like tax forms and reading letters. This is a long standing behavior. We can't ask her not to- that won't work. Getting angry at her doesn't help. She already knows it's not something she should do, but does it anyway. Instead when she visits, we lock up the items.

I rarely "lose it" with my mother due to it only escalating the drama. That doesn't mean I don't feel anger. I do- but I use it as a signal to myself that there's a need for self care, for boundaries. Talking to my mother is also not effective. The best boundaries are action ones. Personally, I would not give her a key to my house. Since this is done, I'd consider changing the locks. She will probably react but the boundary is "My privacy is important to me, and so I won't share my key to the house" (you can give a back up key to someone you trust and who respects your privacy).

The other part of recognizing your anger is that it is a signal to yourself that you are not in the best place to have contact or conversation with her right now. I fully understand this. You have every right to be angry with a parent who does not treat you well, and who hasn't acted like a caring parent to you. I have to limit contact with my mother. She doesn't live near me but calls me. There are times I don't feel I can stay grounded when speaking to her. I can't talk to her at these times.

I would advise you to not send a letter or anything in writing to your mother. Anger, like any emotion, is felt in the moment. We aren't at our best when we are angry and sometimes say things we wouldn't say when we aren't angry. If I were to put something in writing to my mother, she'd hold on to it, bring it up in conversations- forever and use the letter as evidence. Talking, reasoning, -does not work with her.

I did "lose it" with my mother a while back. My father was seriously ill- close to death. Emotionally, I was a mess. BPD mother snapped at me and I just yelled at her. It felt empowering in the moment but the payback on her part was multiplied. As a family, we were all in a difficult place, emotionally but there wasn't any part of my mother that could reason "my child is upset, she is losing a parent". With my mother, her focus is on her feelings. There wasn't any context.

I have made many attempts to better our relationship. Every child of any age seeks a relationship with their mother. Many "if I am good enough, maybe mother will see that, maybe she will love me". But eventually I could see the limitations my mother has in any relationship.  It's normal to want our mothers to act like mothers to us but this is also wishing they were different from who they are. I think this is the source of some of the anger and frustration like wishing your mother would be more considerate and not just walk into the house like that. But wishing my mother was different is what leads to being disappointed. It's sad and difficult to acknowlege. We can control our part in this- and pay attention to our feelings and how to respond to them as best we can.

[Brace4Tsunami]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going thru this and your post moved me to join tonite. I could have written this myself. I'm there right now too. The anger is obscenely overwhelming & intolerable. I wish i had some great advice for you but the only thing that helps me is forcing myself (& it's HARD) to focus on my needs & wants and what steps i have to take to meet them and focus on staying FIRM on that. I have to REALLY focus on what I want and remind myself that boundaries are NORMAL because at least for me, I can get anxiety worrying about what fresh hell will occur with her for setting them.

However, I'm in the same age bracket so I just remind myself that it's not normal for someone at this stage of things to make their childs life hell for seeing boundaries. That helps me keep in perspective that its HER problem not mine and that helps me stay strong.

I really hope that helps.

[Amethyste]

Hi

Your first mistake was to give her the keys to your house.

I live on my own, in my own appartment and my uBPD mom suggested I give her the keys when I moved out of her place but I immediately stopped her and told her I wouldn't share my keys to anyone as I need to feel safe and isolated when I'm in my house because I I anxiety. Like I used to listen to music with my earplugs when I used to live with her and I didnt expect her to come home early and the music was loud and it freaked me out everytime she got home without me noticing. It did create anxiety and I ended up listening to music with one earplug only all stressed out.
So yeah that was my excuse.

But tbh I know if I gave my mom the keys she would have made my life hell. She would have gotten into my place without us agreeing beforehand. She would have started drama because I would tell her not to come home on x day.  Like she would have acted like I owe her my time and life. Might as well just stayed at her place.

There was no way I would allow it. She made my life hell when I lived with her and this I could never forget.

A key is a physical boundary. If this one isn't there it's never gonna work out.

So the first step imo is for you to get back your keys.
Our relationship has gotten so much better since I've been living on my own (since 2019).

[Amethyste]

She's in perpetual "if I get an inch, I'll take a mile" mode with aggressive language and behavior.

Exactly. Same with my uBPDmom. I know we feel sorry for them and want to give more but anytime we do it it backfires on us. So we have to be strategic for our own safety.

[TelHill]

Taking up space and self-assured body language has helped me feel a bit more secure dealing with my FOO.

I have a tendency to smile and slouch (brought on by years of grooming by BPD mom) which has not been helpful in my career and general interactions with people. I look like someone who wouldn't complain under most circumstances. 

This article helped me to switch things around --
Psychopathy and victim selection: the use of gait as a cue to vulnerability

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23422847/

It applies to anyone, not just psychopaths, who want to take advantage.

It may not be relevant to you  and it won't totally stop my bpd mom, but it's helped me.