my childhood trauma ruined my relationship

[Attie]

My therapist calls it fleas, I call it turning into my mother every now and then, and I hate myself for it, and I hate her for it. As a teenager, I was terrified I'd get a BPD diagnosis one day, but so far it looks like I'm a neurodivergent gifted woman with anxiety and possibly C-PTSD.

All my life, turning into her was my worst nightmare. She's a BPD (witch, hermit, and now she's getting old waif more so than witch) who suffered two complete psychotic breakdowns (completely lost touch with reality, thought her father had been murdered, the nurse was trying to murder her, etc.) during the last 7 years. She was married to an extremely passive but lovely man (my father) who had no idea how to stand up to her, or how to get out of that relationship.

I'm a gay anxious ball of emotional baggage and was in a relationship with a very lovely, incredibly avoidant and passive woman for 12 years who also had no idea how to stand up to me until the day she told me it's over and walked away.

I made a lot of mistakes, and in hindsight, it's quite obvious what went wrong between us, and I feel so much guilt and regret for not having seen it sooner. I was so busy with my own chronic illnesses (endometriosis, migraines, and general anxiety) that I never realised the avoidant nature of my ex and just how much she struggled with any kind of conflict or difficult discussions. All her friendships are superficial in nature, and she thrives on small talk. She kept me at arm's length emotionally, and I didn't even realise. I just assumed that I was too much, and that she was "normal."

Because I have this anxious need to figure out conflict immediately and resolve it... well, you can imagine how that led to her feeling cornered and emotionally unsafe.

I have this constant urge to prove myself, to be perfect, to be what other people expect me to be. I moved countries for my partner, and she supported my dream of being a self-employed writer, making her the main breadwinner for many years. She loved supporting me. It made me anxious. I constantly felt like I wasn't doing enough, and like I wasn't doing it well enough.

Fights between us didn't happen very often, but when they did, they escalated. That's where I turn into my mother.

I'd try to explain why I was upset, and my ex would shut down, freeze, her eyes would glaze over. I'd try to explain myself with more words. I'd get frustrated. I'd ask her to share her thoughts. She'd shrug and say, "I don't know," and now I'm shouting at her, because surely if I explain myself louder, she will listen and understand (and yes, that's sarcasm.)

But all that happened was that she would roll her eyes, dramatically sigh and say, "Here we go again." And now I'm invalidated and fully triggered, and I shout verbal abuse at her with my fists balled. (I'm working on all of this in therapy. My therapist keeps reminding me that my ex's behaviour was incredibly invalidating, and that it's not all on me, but I feel so much shame for those moments because damn it, I never wanted to act like my mother EVER.)

My mother really did a number on me. My childhood was spent trying to make sure she wouldn't hit me, spit on me, and threaten me with a knife, and I spent the entire time trying to anticipate all her needs to avoid getting hurt. (Not that I was ever successful, but we try.)

My ex is not just a severe avoidant, she also likes life easy and enjoyed that I did 90% of the chores, took care of the dogs, cooked from scratch every day, etc. I resented that she didn't help more, but because she was the main breadwinner, I didn't want (feel like I was allowed) to complain. When I did complain it was done in a critical, judgemental way.

I am a negative grump who has an opinion on absolutely everything, and my fears and insecurities drove me to control every little thing in our lives. I'm such a control freak.

And my ex didn't speak up (didn't know how to speak up?), didn't want to rock the boat, and it never helped that I'm very good with words, and can talk for hours without shutting up. (The length of this post proves that.) She felt suffocated, unhappy, and threw in my face that she lost herself with me, and that she's now in need of therapy because I traumatised her.

Just like my mother traumatised me and my father. I love her so much, and she loved me, and I feel like over 12 years I slowly dismantled her love for me. I slowly chipped away at it. And now I'm 40 and alone, having to restart. I've lost my first safe home, my first proper family, and I still don't know who I am.

My therapist keeps reminding me that my ex was never interested in learning my triggers, was never interested in figuring out how to help me feel safe during conflict, and that that's on her. And that I deserve someone who takes me on regardless of my trauma.

I think my ex wanted to, and probably thought she could, but she didn't know how, and now I feel like since I'm the problem, I should have somehow been better. I should have figured it out. I'm completely heartbroken. I'm being eaten up by shame and guilt. And I don't see how to ever forgive myself.

Can anyone relate to anything I'm saying?

[Notwendy]

It's known that our families of origin influence our relationships as adults- the traits and behaviors we learn growing up helped us to manage in disordered family dynamics but are not useful later in relationships. It's also known that this influences who we choose as a partner- and who is attracted to us. It seems that your ex partner also has her own issues.

It's not that your childhood trauma was soley responsible for the issues in the relationship- but it's the only aspect you can have influence on- so yes, taking responsibility for your part is the step to working on it- as you are with a counselor.

I can relate to being afraid of "being like my mother" as a teen and beyond. She didn't have a BPD diagnosis at the time but due to her behhaviors, I didn't want to act like her. One issue is that our mothers are a main role model. Being "not like mother" doesn't tell us who we should act like.

It's also said we "match" our partners in ways, even if not exactly. One aspect that may have applied to your relationship is the inability to resolve disagreements and express emotions. Having emotional escalations ( like BPD mother) and being avoidant are two poles of not being able to do this.

It's scary to find yourself single after investing all that time in your relationship but it's also a chance to work on your part of the dynamics. It's also said that if someone leaves a relationship without doing this, they risk recreating similar dynamics with someone else. You have an opportunity to change this about yourself- and so it's worth the investement.

[Attie]

It's scary to find yourself single after investing all that time in your relationship but it's also a chance to work on your part of the dynamics. It's also said that if someone leaves a relationship without doing this, they risk recreating similar dynamics with someone else. You have an opportunity to change this about yourself- and so it's worth the investement.

I'm completely heartbroken to the point where I have no idea how to get over this and move on. I asked for couple's counselling, and told her that I'm willing to do anything to fix our issues, but she says she's done.

She basically went from "everything is fine" to "actually, bye" and all I'm left with is months of intense therapy where my therapist was trying to show me, that this isn't solely on me, and that I was always willing to put in the work, and my ex wasn't.

Being "not like mother" doesn't tell us who we should act like.

I realised that I have no idea who I am. My hobbies are all hobbies I picked up with friends or my ex. Even my main work, which is writing and editing fiction, stems from my childhood where books were my only allowed form of fictional entertainment. (Television, video games, comics weren't allowed in our household.)

I'm basically in the second half of my life, and I have no idea who I am or what I like, or what I want to do...

So this break-up led to a complete identity crisis.

And I spent the last decade thinking that at least I had a partner in crime who would always support me, no matter what scary stuff the universe throws my way.

[Notwendy]

I think the grief over the relationship is more than enough to deal with at the moment.

Likely your partner kept things to herself until they reached a breaking point for her. Possibly, she didn't put in the work of the relationship due to not knowing how- she seems to have her own issues too.

It's good that you are working with a counselor. We can't control someone else's feelings or choices- your partner made her own choice and it was not something you could control. You are feeling hurt at the moment.

I can relate to the feeling of "not knowing" who we are. It's possible you were focused on your partner's feelings. Your counselor can help you refocus. Grief takes its own course. Go easy on yourself.

[TelHill]

Hello Attie,

So sorry you're going through this now. The end of a long-term relationship is one of the most stressful occurrences in life.  I had this happen to me (it was my choice to end it) and it brings up a lot from the past.  It takes a lot of time and energy to heal and regroup from the grief.

[Methuen]

Hi Attie,

I'm sorry for what you are experiencing right now.  It sounds like a lot.

As I was reading your post, I thought, Attie is blaming herself for all this, and feeling guilty and so much loss, but reading between the lines, your partner will have her share of responsibility from failing to communicate, problem solve and work on the relationship, but instead she is seemingly pointing the finger only at you, which I would like to point out, is what our mother's do.  Perhaps that is the worst part - she has walked away and blamed you.  Ick.

This is not all your fault Attie. Feeling that it is, doesn't make it a fact.  Fleas indeed. 

My therapist keeps reminding me that my ex was never interested in learning my triggers, was never interested in figuring out how to help me feel safe during conflict, and that that's on her. And that I deserve someone who takes me on regardless of my trauma.

I like your therapist. 

You are grieving the loss of a 12 year relationship right now.  Grief is emotional.  Perhaps with time, you will be able to see more clearly that this wasn't all on you.  Relationships usually consist of two imperfect people, so it takes time, effort, and work to keep them sustainable.  She clearly didn't do her part either.

Let yourself grieve right now.  And while you are going through this, please treat yourself with kindness and respect.  It's kind of like we have to re-parent ourselves with the kindness and unconditional love our mother's never gave us.  Give yourself a hug.  Sending virtual hugs.  Also bubble baths?  Walks in the park?  Boxing?  A social activity? What will help to refill your cup when it feels so empty right now? 

[Notwendy]

Attie is blaming herself for all this, and feeling guilty and so much loss, but reading between the lines, your partner will have her share of responsibility from failing to communicate, problem solve and work on the relationship, but instead she is seemingly pointing the finger only at you, which I would like to point out, is what our mother's do.  Perhaps that is the worst part - she has walked away and blamed you.  Ick.

I have also heard we tend to replicate our childhood trauma with our partners. I agree with Methuen- there is a similar pattern with our mothers- we long for a relationship- we try and don't succeed ,and if we fail, blame ourselves and try harder.

One think I realized when I stopped "trying" so hard, stopped participating in the drama was that the relationship was a product of my hopes, wishes, magical thinking- if I am good enough, my mother will love me. This transformed into overly people pleasing behavior as an adult. BPD mother wasn't in the relationship.  I was doing the work of the relationship and meeting her needs.

Accept your part in the relationship because it's the only part you can control but don't take on blame for it. I think you did the best you could with what you knew to do, and your partner did too- but she had her limitations. It's not fair to just up and leave a 12 year partner without communicating, without trying. Maybe she just couldn't do this better.

Take care of yourself--

[TelHill]

Hi Attie,
I'm adding that my marriage breakup was due to picking a wolf in sheep's clothing as a husband. He had a personality disorder and was violent. He stole money from me, refused to work and threatened me if I left. I  think being raised by a BPD mother made me prone to people pleasing and ignoring red flags.

I didn't mention because it seemed your relationship was nothing like mine though it had its problems. 

Let yourself grieve right now.  And while you are going through this, please treat yourself with kindness and respect.  It's kind of like we have to re-parent ourselves with the kindness and unconditional love our mother's never gave us.  Give yourself a hug.  Sending virtual hugs.  Also bubble baths?  Walks in the park?  Boxing?  A social activity? What will help to refill your cup when it feels so empty right now? 

I'd add write down these thoughts you have in a journal. I use one and it helps relieve some of the bad feelings and helps me look at a situation more logically.  It's self-care for me to do this because my bpd mom was so illogical, scary and ever ready to point the finger of blame my way.

[Attie]

As I was reading your post, I thought, Attie is blaming herself for all this, and feeling guilty and so much loss, but reading between the lines, your partner will have her share of responsibility from failing to communicate, problem solve and work on the relationship, but instead she is seemingly pointing the finger only at you, which I would like to point out, is what our mother's do.  Perhaps that is the worst part - she has walked away and blamed you.  Ick.

This is not all your fault Attie. Feeling that it is, doesn't make it a fact.  Fleas indeed. 

I like your therapist. 

You are grieving the loss of a 12 year relationship right now.  Grief is emotional.  Perhaps with time, you will be able to see more clearly that this wasn't all on you.  Relationships usually consist of two imperfect people, so it takes time, effort, and work to keep them sustainable.  She clearly didn't do her part either.

Let yourself grieve right now.  And while you are going through this, please treat yourself with kindness and respect.  It's kind of like we have to re-parent ourselves with the kindness and unconditional love our mother's never gave us.  Give yourself a hug.  Sending virtual hugs.  Also bubble baths?  Walks in the park?  Boxing?  A social activity? What will help to refill your cup when it feels so empty right now? 

Thank you, that means a lot. I'm trying to treat myself with kindness, but mostly I'm just blaming myself. I see the first good thing in my life, and I feel like I ruined it.
She used to say that no one else would put up with my crap (as she put it) and I always agreed with her, and then she walked away. She used to say I was worth the effort, and then she walked away. Hence I'm not worth the effort.

It's been five months, and I cannot stop that thought from torturing me. I ruined the one good thing in my life.

I barely have a cup, no clue how to refill it. It just feels pointless now that she's gone. And I know I have to get over that...but I don't know how. (My therapist is helping.)