I think I belong here

[lostingreatlakes]

I have circled around this site for a couple of years, hoping and praying that the right support would prevent me from posting.
I am sitting in a hotel with my 16-year-old son, eating pizza, taking a weekend to get away from the mess that is my DD24.
My poor girl has been through so much; she was assaulted at 14, which meant years of family therapy for all of us. She acted out and was horrible to me, but I could take it. She had to leave the house and graduate early to live with her dad. He has dx cluster b Narcissm. Brilliant, but serial cheater, porn addiction, etc. So, add genetics to the mix. That didn't work out either, and she moved back here after another failed relationship. She hated it and moved out again after several failed relationships. She has now moved on to a sweet young man who is a single dad, and her mother has serious mental health issues. (see the pattern now)?
In the meantime, I am trying to finish my dissertation and get high-level jobs and interviews.
She was in a car accident a few years ago and now has hemipelagic migraines. She said she went to the ER (she didn't).
They were getting taken advantage of by a slumlord, and we've had them move in temporarily, with a contract, etc.
I have just read the old posts about the strong mother and passive father. DING DING DING.
So today, I am trying to work, and she has a seizure; I am watching the baby. Yes, I know this sounds bad; I see that. Let's pretend these were "normal" kids down on their luck; I would do this for them.
Her new doctor (the last doctor wouldn't help her, so she says, I now think DD refused treatment) told her to go to the ER to be treated, or they couldn't see her next week (no equipment). DD refused.
I couldn't do this; her weird refusal/denial/stubbornness was now impacting my work.
Then the boyfriend started in, and I was like, NOPE.
No, I lost it, like a legit nervous breakdown.
She was still texting me, saying that she heard me say all these things, and I would regret saying them (like she was ungrateful and acting like an a&&hole). I stand by what I said. I am not proud, but I lost it; everything came out.
She recorded me as well, which was weird. She is not ok.
My husband shut down. I am an overgiver, a people pleaser.
Why now? Attention? Why the lying? My sister thinks her CPTSD plus genetics is the culprit.

This is the letter I wrote to her and my husband that keeps shutting down.
She read it and was mad that I included her younger brother (DS16), but he was sitting next to me in this hotel and was upset and wanted me to relay the message.

Idk what to do, and I have a splitting headache.
*******************************************************************************
You are going to be angry with this, but please know that it comes from my heart and love. Let Squire see that he is also loved, but this is bigger than the two of you. I hope you decide to read this and not respond in anger but instead sit with it.
As I sit in this hotel room with your brother (he is affected and not trying to take “sides” as there are no sides in a family; he is, however, tired of the verbal jabs at me; it’s not healthy nor needed. He’s not used to it, we don’t do that)
We need professional help. I'll be gone this weekend, but Dad would like to talk with you one-on-one. If you think it is all me, let's go to a therapist together and I am willing to hear what they say. Let's see what they have to say; it could be helpful.
Hiding and avoiding just isn't working; you will always be welcome and never be turned away, but I can't do the drama. This doctorate is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I can't deal with someone who needs help and refuses to move forward. Either physically or perhaps emotionally (no, that does not mean 'crazy'. It means self-awareness. ), Squire is a sweet young man. However, he may not realize chiming in is inappropriate. The hating on me to everyone around you has to stop. I've tried supporting you 100%, and that didn't help. Sweetie, the bullying (yes, several people have let me know they were concerned), I figured, was because of anxiety, but it is not a healthy way to interact. I have had to go to therapy with myself and Dad to make sure that I was not a jerk or a bully, no baby; while I am not perfect, I am ok. The way I reacted, I have never done that before; that should be a sign that something is off, and maybe not with me. The lying breaks my heart (school, jobs, seeing the doctor, etc); you must be hating yourself deep down (?), which breaks my heart because you are a force to be reckoned with. However no amount of loving you is helping. At the very least, I need to finish my dissertation. However, I will wish for a better future with healthy communication for both of us; Lord knows I have allowed this and have been an overgiver for way too long. I should have been better with boundaries or expectations. So now I know Dad would love to sit down and hammer out guidelines that would include probably making sure the MD is seeing you and perhaps therapy to touch base during this difficult time.
You are loved, not abandoned.
*****************************************


This effing sucks, she is literally acting like my ex-husband, and it is so sad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Lostingreatlakes
Have to say it's a very appropriate screen name! What a journey you have been on with dd. I can really feel the love you have for your children.

It seems as though you did put in place certain conditions on dd and ppoartner - and child - moving in with you (you mention a contract). I have to say you are more on the ball than I have been in the past (dd sneaking in with bf plus huge dog), so I think you instinctively are trying to put the appropriate boundaries in place.

And yes - the avoidance through anxiety is HUGE
And yes - what do you do when a baby needs minding  . . .

It's possibly inevitable that bf gets involved because BPD people triangulate big time. After years of this type of situation, my border is dd is welcome, but I can't have any bf's etc in the house. My  DD has therefore made many attempts to move out - hates living here - but they always fail and my place is somewhere she can come back to.

I am not sure if your dd has a BPD diagnosis? You probably suspect it is the case and the fact that dd is blaming you etc sure sounds like BPD.

I hope you can move through this time, that the young family can move somewhere in the not too distant future, you can finish your work and have some time and space to work out what boundaries you need to put in place - for your sake.

For me, I will always have a room for dd, but it is her place to when the inevitable happens and things fall apart.

[lostingreatlakes]

Thank you so much for your reply; a lot has happened since this post. So it got down to the final day. We had set up a meeting, and instead of attending the meeting, she went to urgent care with her BF. I found out that she has an abnormal (read NOT NORMAL) fear of going to the doctor; I am guessing it is part of the reason she was so horrible to me about it.
She went and vomited out the window the whole way back from the doctor and was shivering when she got back. They have a referral to the neurologist and an appointment with a primary caregiver.
I have since avoided her, and when I am in the same room with her, I HAPPILY ignore her to some extent. Just civil. Roommates. Frankly, it is beautiful; I thought it would be harder, but something in me broke a little, and I just can't take it anymore so I am not bothered or feeling sad.
Get this: I found out they are 'secretly' engaged. Great, let's add to this insane situation. 
Oh well, she'll have a place to  stay if she continues to not be horrible and continues take care of her health and get a job.
I have seemed to let go of the expectations and have already greieved that daughter I wanted does not exist. I have a therapy session scheduled next week.  Maybe my son will marry a wonderful woman who actually thinks I am a good person.
One can hope, .

[lostingreatlakes]

Thank you so much for your reply; a lot has happened since this post. So it got down to the final day. They had to sit down with us and agree to the guidelines or they would be out on their butt that night. We had set up a meeting, and instead of attending the meeting, she went to urgent care with her BF. I found out that she has an abnormal (read NOT NORMAL) fear of going to the doctor; I am guessing it is part of the reason she was so horrible to me about it.
She went and vomited out the window the whole way back from the doctor and was shivering when she got back. They have a referral to the neurologist and an appointment with a primary caregiver.
I have since avoided her, and when I am in the same room with her, I HAPPILY ignore her to some extent. Just civil. Roommates. Frankly, it is beautiful; I thought it would be harder, but something in me broke a little, and I just can't take it anymore so I am not bothered or feeling sad.
Get this: I found out they are 'secretly' engaged. Great, let's add to this insane situation. 
Oh well, she'll have a place to  stay if she continues to not be horrible and continues take care of her health and get a job.
I have seemed to let go of the expectations and have already grieved that the daughter I wanted does not exist. I have a therapy session scheduled for next week.  Maybe my son will marry a wonderful woman who actually thinks I am a good person.
One can hope, .