[BPD Mother] Involuntarily Committed for Suicide Attempt

[IRL_2020]

Hi everyone--

I am brand new to this message board.  No one has officially diagnosed my mother with BPD.  After speaking with various people (including my therapist) and after comprehensively reading about BPD--it is highly likely that she is because she has all the indicators.

Last week, after a bad argument with my mother in SC, I left to return home in DC.  She told me to leave, so I did.

About an hour later, she wrote me a message about how my relationship with her is the only reason for her wanting to live and how I am the only one that can fill her void of emptiness.  She also said that I should be more careful with my good-byes because one never knows when or if you will see that person again.

Later that afternoon, I received a phone call from a neighbor to tell me that she had called a suicide hotline and had been taken to a psychiatric ward.  She lied to her case worker and attending psychiatrist by saying that she was suicidal bc I was sick and she thought I had Covid. I have not been sick for months. She lies all the time. She may be a pathological liar.

She was released today after spending 6 nights in their custody.  I spoke to her once during this time.  I also did not return to SC when she was released.  My father and brother handled it.

She texted me when she got out and told me that she has so much to share with me and included heart emojis.  I responded very simply because I cannot help to think that it is just a matter of time before this happens again.  She has been talking about not wanting to live since November and blames it on our lack of closeness.

She was a very nurturing mother.  She was overprotective, but never physically or emotionally abusive (until now).

As I have gotten older and have my own life career (I am a lawyer and live in DC), she has become angry and hostile.  She emotionally manipulates me by sending me messages that no one will understand me more than her or that no loves me more than her, etc.  Every conversation and situation always becomes about her.  Someone dies, and she makes it about her.  It is someone's graduation, and she makers it about her.  Someone breaks-up with their significant other, and she makes it about her.

She gets angry when I don't respond immediately, and she makes me feel guilty and bad about not doing so and tells me I am not a good daughter bc good daughters always talk to their mothers.

It got so bad this past winter, that for the first time in my life (I am 32), I began to set boundaries with her, and I blocked her via social media and text. She was threatening to call my supervising attorney as well as my friends to tell them that I was sick. She even called my building manager to knock on my door to tell me to return her call. I went to visit her and try to heal with her this summer (before I began reading about BPD).

I am reading everything about BPD and making notes and posting them around my apartment to remind me that she is ill and she has endured so much childhood trauma, etc., that this is not coming from a place of malice.  I am working on the recommended communication techniques for interacting with someone that has BPD.

Nevertheless, I am still waiting for this all to blow-up again.

Does anyone have any advice and/or guidance on how to handle suicide attempts/threats where you are the source?

Thank you!

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

That is a ton of pressure to be dealing with!  How are you holding up?  

Does anyone have any advice and/or guidance on how to handle suicide attempts/threats where you are the source?

Have you heard about the book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning, PhD"?  It is an excellent book that helps those of us with loved one with BPD understand the behaviors associated with the disorder and learn new ways of interacting that will help and protect us while supporting our loved one as well.  There is a chapter towards the end of the book that talks about suicide.  One of the things that I find helpful to remember is that suicidal behavior can be used as a maladaptive problem solving behavior where suicide is not the original problem but rather the solution to the problem.  Another way suicide can be used is a way to express how much pain the person is in if they do not have adequate words to express their pain otherwise.  BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation and as such it is more about skill deficits where they can be helped by acquiring new skills (in therapy).  

What I wrote above is a very watered down version of what is discussed in the book in terms of the motivation behind suicidal talk/threats/acts.  I added it here because understanding something helps me process and problem solve.  Is your mom in therapy?  Will she give you or another family member permission to talk with her treating physicians?

In terms of how to deal with it, it sort of depends.  I like that you did not go back to SC and left it to your dad and bro to take care of.  How have you handled this sort of thing before?  Sometimes making sudden changes in how we respond can be tricky.

Talkk with us and lets see what we can come up with.    

[Bullrider]

I feel like I am reading my life history, your not alone! My mom has called me multiple times telling me life wasn't worth living anymore, she didn't care, blah, blah, blah.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Please know you're not alone!

I'm a working professional (nurse), I'm not sure what she would do if she called my work. Thankfully, she doesn't know where I work and I'm not on social media. I have had to emotionally and physically separate myself several times and recently got to the point that I am done with her, again.

Again, you are definitely not alone in this. I can relate to what you're going through!

[Panda39]

In terms of the threats she's making about calling people in your life, you might get ahead of it by talking with them first.

I spoke to my boss and co-workers regarding my Partner's undiagnosed BPD ex-wife so they were aware of her and that she had mental health issues. She was most definitely snooping around about me on-line and knew where I worked. Luckily she never tried to contact anyone, but I felt better having the people around me know what was going on.

It might be harder to have this type of conversation since it's your mom, but maybe you just say she's been having some emotional issues and his making threats about calling and you simply wanted to give them a heads up.

Hang in there,
Panda39