Help? 10 weeks post bpd breakup, still not moved on

[Anyname111]

So here’s my suspect bpd story. I’ll try and summarise it. Met this girl online about a year ago, we hit it off immediately, love at first sight deal, we were inseparable from from day one. An official couple by day 4. Engaged after a month and married by month 5. Separated by month 9. Thought I’d found my soul mate and life partner but something felt off the whole time. And now I know why. Pretty sure she’s bpd, the whole relationship has followed the usual bpd pattern. Love bombing, being put on a pedestal, feeling like your the most special person in the world to this beautiful interesting woman is intoxicating. Red flags galore though. She had the usual hypervidualance, dichotomous thinking, extreme abandonment fears. She was aware of these issues and explained them to me, and i tried to take this into consideration, but it just all ended up insane, multiple suicide attempts and thread from her, she tried to drive her car into a tree at 50mph, luckily walked away, she was going to hang her self before the police arrived one night, had police helicopters out looking for her another day. This was all after we got married but the warning signs were there before hand. I found it suffocating that we had to spend every moment together. To be honest I never really appeased her when she was in these moments, like I know she couldn’t help it a lot of the time but I would say to her - your previous trauma doesn’t give you a licence to say and do and think whatever you want without a reaction from me, the suicide episodes were my boundary. She would throw the guilt and blame at me, like I was responsible, that just made me switch off care for her in those moments, and actually made me angry. I realise now it’s not the best reaction when someone is hanging by a thread, I should have just picked her up an told her it’s going to be ok and dealt with it once she was calmer, but during these times every fibre of me was saying get the hell away from this craziness, for 2 or 3 months near the end I was thinking to myself, how do I get out of this relationship with her remaining alive, that was the only goal for a while, best case scenario. I stuck around though because once she calmed down it was good, she understood her behaviour wasn’t right, until the next time. Anyway I’m a single parent with two kids and she had me child too, so we were trying to mix two families together during all this which added extra stressors. I figured out she had this insane jealousy of my 10 year old daughter, my daughter is selective mute and so it was hard for my wife to have an immediate bond with her, I thought over time once my daughter trusts and speaks to her that their relationship would blossom. But I noticed all this subtle resentment towards if I spent anytime alone with my daughter, she would nitpick every move she made eventually and I ended splitting up with her due to it after she had an explosive outburst in public blaming my daughter for splitting us up, crazy. I was actually relieved it was over. Anyway she apologised and tried to make up for it so I gave her another chance. Plus she was diagnosed with cervical cancer (which I’m now dubious about) so I felt sorry for her. Anyway that week where we working out getting back together she decided she didn’t want to be with me anymore, just sent a text out of the blue. That was 10 weeks ago. It’s weird for some reason I was ok breaking up when it was my choice but when she did that so abruptly it shook me to the core, I was drinking every night for the first week taking sleeping tablets, chain smoking, not eating. Tried to convince her to come back for a couple of weeks. She said after week 3 she wasted to meet new people, which I was disgusted about, so I dated to protect my own ego even though thats the last thing I wanted to do, we ended up both getting super jealous of each dating and decided to drop them and see each other and went on another date together. Later I found out from her that she started seeing a guy days after we broke up to “get over the hurt of us splitting as a distraction” which shook me to me core again, just discarded as if our time together meant nothing. Apperently he earns good money, but he isn’t good looking and doesn’t satisfy her emotionally deeply, or sexually, we have been sleeping together occasionally still. This at least makes me feel better that she has downgraded with her replacement in every department except financially. It still hurts though. I’ve been wanting to go my separate ways from her for a while because she triggers major anxiety every time I think about her, speak to her or see her, I’ve lost so much weight since we split, have so much resentment that she is out living her best life while I’m suffering the aftermath, and trying to remain friends with her because I’m so attached to her attention and want to still have sex with her. But this demotion from husband most special person in the world to the bit on the side being given scraps is just adding to the agony. Added to this she fell pregnant to me a few weeks ago and she’s had the abortion yesterday just adds to the pain, it’s symbolic of our whole time together. We are going to bury it together tomorrow then I’m telling her we should give each other space for a while now, the cycle has come to an end. I don’t want to get back together with her anymore but I can’t stop thinking about her all the time, I just want it to stop so I can move on with my life now. It’s affecting my self esteem giving so much power to her in this friendship, since she’s the dumper she thinks I’m at her beck and call. Me deciding when we break contact gives me some control back over the situation for my own mental health?
What do you guys think about the situation?
Why is it that I was ok splitting when it was my choice but so devastated when she pulled the trigger?
And what do you guys think of the situation with my daughter, the extreme jealousy towards her, she actually sees my daughter as the driving force causing our split! Has anyone ever experienced this situation before?
Why does part of me still long for her even though I know the whole thing was toxic? I can’t have a stepmom who has resentment towards my daughter obviously, I can’t ever trust her again after replacing me so quickly, and told her this recently, I’ve lost myself being so enmeshed in her drama for so long. I’m just ready to move on now and desperately want to get her out of my head asap, the whole thing is taking it’s toll, staying in contact is just dragging out the recovery, I can’t be in this position in another life 10 weeks.

Do you guys think I should explain to her I want space tomorrow, or is this an inappropriate time, should I wait a day or two? Im desperate to do it, I wish I didn’t have to meet her tomorrow, I feel like it’s going to be a massive load off when I do

[kells76]

Hi Anyname111, welcome to the group. I just want you to know that we see you and your post! I'm reading through what you've shared and will have some thoughts here in a moment. Until then, know that you're in the right place.

-kells76

[kells76]

So much of what you went through sounds so familiar here:

the emotionally addictive relationship; the emotional intensity; the roller coaster of good times being really good and bad times being really bad; her suicidality; her seeming ability to jump right into a new relationship; the impulsivity; the unhealthy ways of relating to kids/stepkids; the multiple "recycles"; and, over so much of this, your profound confusion -- if you don't want to be with her, why is her breaking up with you so much worse than you breaking up with her?

Many, many members have gone through similar situations. It's not easy. These aren't "normal" breakups.

One idea that gets discussed here is the idea that while we have no control over what others say, think, believe, or do, we DO have 100% control over ourselves. I think you're seeing some of that when you say:

I don’t want to get back together with her anymore but I can’t stop thinking about her all the time, I just want it to stop so I can move on with my life now. It’s affecting my self esteem giving so much power to her in this friendship, since she’s the dumper she thinks I’m at her beck and call. Me deciding when we break contact gives me some control back over the situation for my own mental health?

I also think you're getting part of it when you mention:

We are going to bury it together tomorrow then I’m telling her we should give each other space for a while now, the cycle has come to an end.

An interesting idea about boundaries is that true boundaries aren't ultimatums, and also don't require anyone else's agreement, participation, or cooperation.

I don't think I see you laying out an ultimatum, which is good. It'd look like "Ex: Don't you dare contact me again. I require you to not reach out!" See how that isn't really under your control?

The idea of telling her "we should give each other space" is getting closer to true boundaries, yet it still contains some belief that you can ask/request/suggest to her what she should do. That isn't something we can control.

The nice thing, though is that you can control giving/having space on your end, and it won't require her to agree to or cooperate with anything! And, true boundaries don't need to be announced. True boundaries are about what we choose to allow into our lives, and we can just "do" them whenever we choose.

So, it's good that you realize you need space. One way of having that need be a true boundary could be telling yourself: "My boundary is I need space from my ex. What I have control over to make that happen is: I will block her number and unfollow her on social media. When others try to tell me about her, I will tell them No thank you. If she tries to get in my space some other way, I can choose to not engage".

Notice how none of that requires her to agree, or tells her what she should do?

I think the hardest part about true boundaries is that they make us face what we really want. I just hear the struggle you are going through, so it'd make sense that having true boundaries about not letting her into your life, could be so difficult and painful.

The other "nice" thing about boundaries is that they don't have to be "all or nothing". For example, it isn't that either you guys are together, or you have to cut all contact. You can decide what you can handle right now, and personally set a boundary about that. I.e., you might decide that you need to unfollow her on social media, but you can handle keeping her number unblocked, and you might tell yourself "My choice is that I do not reply instantly to messages from her. I will choose to wait at least X hours before deciding to reply or not". That could be a boundary you choose.

Anyname111, there's so much to discuss with you about your situation and challenges. While I have to wrap up for now, feel free to check out other members' threads, and post when you feel ready. Glad you're here;

kells76