I could use some advice... laptop Internet history is spine chilling

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone. I've been split with my BPD ex for 4 months and in that time it's been hell. I'm now in T and my life is picking up, in fact I'm actually rather happy. We had split and the bomb fallout was I had to obtain an harassment order on my ex after he forced his way into my house and stabbed himself in my kitchen. Great hey.

Any how, we split up around the same time the previous year due to his online infidelity, raging and treating me like crap. At that time I had given him a laptop which he subsequently broke. It's been away being fixed and it came back to me today.this is what i found in the google search history:

Spells to get a loved one back

The story of the Devil and Gabriel

Suicide methods

Jesus Christ save me

I'm single at 30

I love (my name)

Best ways to die

How to get super powers

How to get my ex back I'm heartbroken

Pictures of fallen angels hanging

Nightime prayers for children

Ultimate unforgivable sin

How to prove your love

Dotted in between are a few other things not related to love eh porn!

It's made me feel sick, sad and very tramertised. What do you make of it all? This went on the first time we split up in 2010. He promised me everything and we split again only 10 months later as I caught him sending messages to his ex about getting naked and she was trying to come to our hOuse. I don't know what to think anymore.

[MeMeMe]

Hi everyone. I've been split with my BPD ex for 4 months and in that time it's been hell. I'm now in T and my life is picking up, in fact I'm actually rather happy. We had split and the bomb fallout was I had to obtain an harassment order on my ex after he forced his way into my house and stabbed himself in my kitchen. Great hey.

Any how, we split up around the same time the previous year due to his online infidelity, raging and treating me like crap. At that time I had given him a laptop which he subsequently broke. It's been away being fixed and it came back to me today.this is what i found in the google search history:

Spells to get a loved one back

The story of the Devil and Gabriel

Suicide methods

Jesus Christ save me

I'm single at 30

I love (my name)

Best ways to die

How to get super powers

How to get my ex back I'm heartbroken

Pictures of fallen angels hanging

Nightime prayers for children

Ultimate unforgivable sin

How to prove your love

Dotted in between are a few other things not related to love eh porn!

It's made me feel sick, sad and very tramertised. What do you make of it all? This went on the first time we split up in 2010. He promised me everything and we split again only 10 months later as I caught him sending messages to his ex about getting naked and she was trying to come to our hOuse. I don't know what to think anymore.

[MeMeMe]

But what upsets me the most is I'm feeling sorry for him right now that he is so tortured and I cannot help him. I tried i really did but he's a lost soul. I would do anything to make him better but I had to leave, he was destroying me

[MeMeMe]

Sorry I'm ranting but i feel an overwhelming urge to reach out to him

[seeking balance]

Sorry I'm ranting but i feel an overwhelming urge to reach out to him

I completely understand wanting to help someone you love; that is a normal feeling.

The thing is, with BPD or any type of addiction, only the person suffering can help themselves.  Take a look at the 10 False beliefs - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Specifically, 9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.

If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

Take care of you right now.

Peace, SB

[FindingMe2011]

But what upsets me the most is I'm feeling sorry for him right now that he is so tortured and I cannot help him. I tried i really did but he's a lost soul. I would do anything to make him better but I had to leave, he was destroying me

He is responsible for himself, just as you are for yourself. You seem to be doing for yourself. Is he not making a choice to NOT do for himself? You realize, the eventual outcome, and you have no power to MAKE something or someone, fix themselves. Very powerless situation. If you are worried for his well being, contact family members, that do have the power to interact. Possibly they could Baker Act him. Reaching out to him, will just confuse the situation even more. Bring this info to your "T", and navigate through this. You have now seen, how/why appx. 10% of people affected with this serious mental disorder, commit suicide. I wish you well, and continue to work on you.  PEACE

[once removed]

i can only imagine how you feel, mememe

a lot of us have had these kinds of BPD aftershocks in the course of our recovery. im sure its frightening and surreal to find a person you spent so much time with searching such things.

well, you knew this person was tortured. but here was a real glimpse.

it's gonna shake you up like it has, and thats okay. its another huge shock to the system. any exposure to our borderline is going to be. and you came to the right place to vent about it.

sb is right about our inability to help them, despite our nature. this feeling will most likely pass, probably fairly soon. its a "set back" if you necessarily want to call it that. it's also a real eye opener, though.

work through your feelings on this one like you're doing, but try not to let yourself endlessly dwell on him. remember, the focus is you, and what you can do for yourself. hopefully the initial shock will wear off soon and you'll be right back on track.

[MeMeMe]

Thank you. It made me drag up old instances when I could see the manic look in his eyes when we had split up. It was a devastating desperation for me to go back to him, it was heart breaking especially as he was so cruel and harsh to me when we were together.

The worst part of this is, we were back together after he looked at these things and he still carried on his online flirting and abusing me. It was like he completely forgot the pain he endured during our first break up.

Another lesson learnt. The hard way, yet again. I would like to spend a day in the head of someone with BPD just to see the awfulnes of their own thoughts.

[FindingMe2011]

Thank you. It made me drag up old instances when I could see the manic look in his eyes when we had split up. It was a devastating desperation for me to go back to him, it was heart breaking especially as he was so cruel and harsh to me when we were together.

The worst part of this is, we were back together after he looked at these things and he still carried on his online flirting and abusing me. It was like he completely forgot the pain he endured during our first break up.

Another lesson learnt. The hard way, yet again. I would like to spend a day in the head of someone with BPD just to see the awfulnes of their own thoughts.

Im thinking you have already been there. Better served to stay in your head, and fix you.  PEACE

[MeMeMe]

Thank you findingme... .ur words are 1000% correct.

[Sofie]

Hmmm... .first of all, I wouldn't put too much stock in an analysis of a google search history. I think many people - including myself - google lots of weird things for many different reasons - curiosity, following up on something you just read online, boredom, research etc. It doesn't necessarily mean much.

Secondly, you're only torturing yourself checking up on your ex this way. As other have said here, the only way to move forward from your hurt and pain is to focus on what YOU are doing, not what the ex has been doing. Take care of yourself.    

[MeMeMe]

I know people google odd things but "what's the best way to die" and asking about the devil? Its freaked me out. A few hours of rejection have chilled me out but it's given me a small insight into how his mind works and frankly, it's scary.

It's made me see things more orchastrated. When we split up, he sent me YouTube extracts from the film The Notebook. This was meant to be our film and apparently it was our story. True love split apart. I now know he sent clips from that film to his ex before me. Kind of shows you a bit more of the truth.

I have been working on me and I've been doing good. This shocked me as I feel it showed me the depth and darkness of himself and it must be a miserable place to be.

[Gaslit]

Yeah, I agree. He Googled some pretty freaky shyte! My gawd.

[2010]

When we split up, he sent me YouTube extracts from the film The Notebook. This was meant to be our film and apparently it was our story. True love split apart. I now know he sent clips from that film to his ex before me.

You know he's used this fantasy on the woman before you? That's cut and paste behavior and you should stop yourself and ask why you need to believe it- even after knowing he said it to another woman. Obviously he's found a *need* of yours to believe it and he's manipulating you with the fantasy. (One of the hallmarks of good mental health is reality testing.)

Step out of the fantasy world.  Let go of the superpowers and devils and angels and Hollywood blockbuster romance movies and realize that sharing in this childish fantasy has to be tested with reality- in order to heal and mature.  How realistic are you right now?

Something tells me that you don't think this behavior of him stabbing himself in your kitchen is all that egregious. You'd rather live in the fantasy he has provided you. You've either chosen to overlook his behaviors as "fixable" or you have grown up in an environment that was invalidating- where you were taught to have loyalty in the face of evidence that the loyalty was undeserved.  This has set you up for extremely poor reasoning over the presented fantasy and acting out (reality) of this man. MeMeMe means taking care of MeMeMe, not getting pulled into the fantasy that you are the only person to have ever loved him in such a way that he won't kill himself.

You'll need to discover what it is you want from this malignant hope- if it is the faulty reasoning to believe that you were put on the planet to save him, and you are willing to choose his life over yours, then you will sacrifice any happiness you deserve because of it- and in the end he is going to do what he wants to do anyway. He's showing you right now that he is not mentally well- yet you cannot stop believing in the fantasy of "true love" in spite of the uncertainty you feel.

Sooner or later you have to decide that everything he has done is inappropriate behavior and it's not done to you haphazardly but rather deliberately because you are playing a role in a disorder. You must fall into self preservation and turn away from the fantasy- Accept reality.  Find out what your weakness is to him.

The only chance you have at finding "true love"- for yourself and your future is to let go.  Believe me when I say, this relationship that you're in- *isn't* the path to take for peace and joy.  Taking care of MeMeMe is. 

[MeMeMe]

Thank you 2010. I know the whole relationship was based on fantasy, that's who he is. Says one thing, does something completely different. I had no problems at all as a child. I grew up in a wonderful loving home where I was cared for and nurtured. My bond with him came from something else.

Men that I had gone out with previously had not made me feel like he did. If I'm honest, I wondered if I could in fact feel true love for someone as i was never overly bothered about my partners. I treated them well but never found a bond with them that was deep, it was almost like I wasn't bothered if they were there or not.

Now the BPD, that's something else. My friend actually said the other day "I will never know who you were when you were together. You were infatuated and his hold over you was scary. He was trampling over you yet you still loved him". Bang on.

He stirred up deep feelings in me I never knew I had. I will never go back to him, I can see the relationship for exactly what it is and I have no doubt he has BPD. I have self respect (well got a bit back ) and now I'm aware it was partly my fault that I let him treat me so, I refuse to go back to let him have a go at kicking the puppy once more.


What I do however continue to struggle with is the contradictions of the relationship and his thought process. I guess I am trying to understand it to a certain degree. I want to know why he, after googling things like that and being heartbroken, he continued to screw me over.

My T says I've made great progress and she doubts I will ever let anyone treat me badly again. She's right. But i still cannot stop thinking about the ways which he screwed me over and just how terrible his behaviour was. He will accept attention or sleep with anything, i find him repulsive. And I need to learn the true reason I loved him so much and why I put up with this.

I did buy into the fact our "love" was special because he brainwashed me into thinking it was. I know he sent the videos to his ex, I saw it with my own eyes. So no, we weren't special. Being very down to earth, I believe things people say as I don't say things that are not true. I expect people to act like I do. When we split he actually said "we were meant to be, we met for a reason. I will see you in the afterlife". Not likely, your going downstairs to the fire matey!

His mum called him "Peter pan" and at first it was endearing. In the end I hated him for it.

Sorry essay over, it helps to write it down and get it out of my head.

[Sofie]

I had no problems at all as a child. I grew up in a wonderful loving home where I was cared for and nurtured. My bond with him came from something else.

I did buy into the fact our "love" was special because he brainwashed me into thinking it was. I

Every relationship takes two to tango - also a relationship with a pwBPD. As I always say, pwBPD don't kidnap us or force us to love them at gunpoint. For different reasons, all of us here are or have been susceptible to being attracted to a severely disordered person. Those reasons lie with us, not with the pwBPD - which reasons are yours?

[MeMeMe]

I dont know Sofia, thats is what i am trying to figure out. I think about it and the only thing i come up with is "i dont know". Perhaps it was because i was immensely attracted to him and when things were good, we got on amazingly. Would laugh until we cried.

He made me think he was a prize to be won. He would ofter say he could have anyone he wanted and that stuck with me. Plus the fact he had tons of women throwing themselves at him. I saw it and i couldnt beleive it.

As many as 15 at one time messaging him saying they thought he was stunningly attractive and were asking him out. It was almost like he thought "well i chose you and know you need to keep me". It was a driving force and it did indeed make me try and keep him and "prove" to him that i was worthy of being his girlfriend.

Funny at the end, it was him trying to prove he was worthy of being my boyf but he never did quiet hit that mark.

the problem was his abuse towards me changed me. I dropped 14lb due to his constant digs at me being fat (i now weigh 116kg!). He would often look at what i was wearing and comment "your not going out like that are you" and so i adopted a new savy dress sense.  He commented on my make up, so i changed it and it looked nice. He told me i spoke common and would correct my grammer in public, so i spoke differently.

all this of course got me more attention of men and he hated it. It made me think that perhaps i was too good for him after all.

His abuse really resulted in his downfall in that i restored my self confidence and realised, i AM too good for him and he knew that in the end

[MeMeMe]

And i now know that he will be desperate, thinking he spent those years molding me into the perfect girlf and he now has to spend time doing it with someone else. he actually said to me once "i am gutted ive spent time making you good as someone else will now benefit from it".

So yeh i need to address why i stayed with a piece of dirt who said these things to me and made me feel like butter. That is my fault completely. I just dont yet know why.

[seeking balance]

He made me think he was a prize to be won. He would ofter say he could have anyone he wanted and that stuck with me. Plus the fact he had tons of women throwing themselves at him. I saw it and i couldnt beleive it.

Anytime you think being with someone somehow gives you a sense of self or makes you "better", it is a loaded relationship.  This sounds more like NPD - you were there to serve him and you should be grateful to do it.

Don't you think it would be healthier to be with someone who valued you as much as you valued them?

[Newton]

MeMeMe, I am so glad to hear you are in a better place.  I can remember all too easily the fear and panic in your posts when his behavior was at it's worst and yet you still had HIS best interests at heart then (his job, his reputation etc)... .

Focus on what you have achieved for yourself over the past few weeks... .without him   

Best wishes... .Newton   

[once removed]

you know mememe, i just wanta throw in my two cents on something.

it's not exactly the most important point. but this whole repeating special lines to multiple girls thing.

i dont want to say "guys" do it, as a blanket statement. but i know i've done it. i know others that have done it. and from my perspective, its not that the person whom its said to isn't special, or that we didn't mean it. i realize this is BPD we're dealing with, but i wouldn't agonize over that fact too much.

to me, its kinda like anyone who has ever said "i love you" to more than one person. we have strong feelings for a person at the time, then they go away, then we find feelings for someone else. our personality in relationships may change a bit over time, but largely stays the same. so certain things we long for... .people will try to make a relationship into what they want it to be. people have certain lines they like to use. they have certain activities they like to do with a partner, and then they may enjoy doing them with the next partner.

point is, no, don't "cling to the words that were said", but neither would i just tell myself everything he said is meaningless or rehearsed.

[once removed]

also, i gotta agree with SB. i don't know a lot about NPD, but almost everything you're repeating that he said, or his behavior strikes me as utterly narcissistic.

that's kind of odd that he made digs at weight. i believe my exes father to be NPD, and he always did this to his wife and daughter. would basically make his wife out to be not good enough for him. i remember when she fell, and destroyed her knee, and was chair ridden for WEEKS, couldn't move, and was thoroughly depressed and lonely. the classic narcissism. him saying he hurt himself and still had to work. he wouldn't be there for her. wouldn't support her. nothing. she cried to me, and her daughter, asking what she had to do to make her husband love her, and asking why he didn't. it was heartbreaking, and angering. she would work out and try to lose weight for him. anything she could.

the fact is you were too good for him. i don't know whether that thought can really dawn on a narcissist, but it kinda sounds like it.

i too had a great child hood with few if any complaints. i don't classify myself as codependent. so i too was a little confused as to what set me up/kept me there. one thing someone pointed out to me, that somewhat rang a bell is that sometimes its a matter of trying to recreate your first love relationship. perhaps thats you? it was to an extent for me.

you should know you don't need makeup or pretty clothes, or to lose weight to be beautiful. but if this experience gave you more confidence in the long run, gave you some interest in those things, you know, a certain amount of pride, and you enjoy "dolling up" sometimes, i don't think there's anything wrong with that at all.

[MeMeMe]

Hi luckystrike! Yeh I know I agree. It was just the point that he told a different story about the split to my face. Like he wasn't bothered and that after years of on/off, he walked away. Anyhow it's not important really is it. I did however remember he said he had 2 mobile phones as when they split up, he would meet other people. When they got back together the other women continued to text him and his ex got mad. So he had 2 phones. One for the temp women and one for the on/off girlfriend. If that's not a red flag what is.

I actually think he swings both ways. BPD and NPD, I've given it a lot of thought . He once said "you've fought for the prize, I'm here now, come take it". What a plum. It would depend on how he felt, one day he thought he was amazing, the other he felt bad about himself. I know if I wud have stayed he wud have given me an eating disorder and that is a fact. Then, rather cruely, after months of fat jibes, he said "you look to thin Annie anorexi". Beautiful.

He was never their emotionally. Had a serious incident with work, called him hysterical (bearing in mind I never ask anyone for helP) I asked him to come to me, he went out for a beer.

I think the prob with me is based on how I look. I never let him tell me anything re work, money, what car I drove, where I went etc. But I was putty in his hands trying to make myself beautiful to him. Odd.

Hiya Newton, hope your well. Correct again, that incident is 6 weeks old almost and again, I thank you for you support during that time. U were a star.

[once removed]

well, if you didn't know, BPD can often times run comorbid with NPD, and with males especially. so its possible if not likely that he was both.

and yeah, the switching to calling you too thin. there's no pleasing them, and that can distort your self image, self worth, self confidence, even your own thoughts and instincts.

also remember, pwBPD tend to feel in the moment. what he told you about the prior relationship wasn't necessarily a lie, but he was likely genuinely convinced of it at the time. its clear to me that ANYTHING they say about exes, positive negative or neutral, is subject to suspicion. 

[MeMeMe]

Your so right. I think the way forward is to just know we are beautiful and screw what they think. What does their opinion matter now. I'm so ashamed at how I let him control me and make me feel bad about myself. It feels like I want to wash off his toxic residue.

But at the same time a bit of me wonders if I got it wrong and surely no one could be that bad. Then I think of all the bad stuff and I think, yep it was that bad and he would have ruined me.

[once removed]

well i'll tell you this much. we certainly shouldn't do anything but scoff, when someone who is utterly lacking in identity or sense of self, tries to tell us how we should be. i dont mean to demonize pwBPD but their opinion literally means nothing, and can change on a dime, and is simply a matter of convenience.

typically a pwBPD is attracted to our otherwise fairly strong sense of self. so much so that they take it as their own. so despite what any of us may have been told, we were worth quite a bit.

its normal to have second thoughts about whether or not they're ill. typically all one has to do is read enough of the stories on here, and see others express exactly the same thoughts and feelings we felt. in my case, i know a lot about what happened in the beginning of my exes new relationship, and it wasn't pretty. that's all i need to recall.

whatever the label, they were abusive and unhealthy relationships, and there's no reason for any of us to ever look back.

[MeMeMe]

Touché to that! Straighten the tiara/crown and keep the feet marching forward.