I got blindsided on Christmas Eve

[Depression = 72% of members]

I want to wish everyone here on this board a Merry Christmas.

My 15mo LO is down for a nap so I have a little time to vent.  It's been a long time since I've posted.  Been NC with my uBPDm and brother since before the birth of my son over a year ago.  My monster stopped sending gifts after we returned (to sender) her second one on my son's first xmas.  He was 3 months old then.  I've only gotten one text from my brother who refused to acknowledge my baby shower invite because his wife at the time sided with my mom (I didn't invite my mom).  Since then I haven't heard from either of them.

My half-aunt is just like my mom, and lives several states away (thank god).  Since visiting last year and meeting my son and blindsiding me with the phrase, "Are you happy?" I proceeded to spend the next two hours telling her what happened and why I made my choices to exclude my uBPDm (I thought wanting to save the baby and not miscarry due to stress my mother causes was a good enough reason).  After hearing my side of the story, reafirms to me what a LOVING grandmother my mom would be to my son, and that she doesn't believe my mother could be anything other than loving in every way.  I didn't speak to her for a year after that.  It was like a whole 2 hours went right down the drain.

Recently she emailed me to confirm I was still living at the same address.  She wanted to send my son a belated bday and xmas gift.  I confirmed and was cordial.  Then wouldn't you know it, after two years of hell I was finally doing great for the holidays.  No crying, no obsessing, little to no depression.  Then she blindsided me on Christmas Eve morning with the longest FOG email.  I'm so pissed.  I just want to read her the riot act.  Here are the highlights from her email:

"... .Honey, Have you spoken to your mom at all?  :)oes she know about (your son's) vision problems?  I don’t speak with her about you and I really don’t want to ask you, but my mother was hugely supportive of Z's issues his first 2 years and again for all of the years that we struggled with Z’s emotional and behavioral issues.  With your husband's mom so far away, you two really could use all of the support you can get as you work so closely with (your son).  I don’t want to meddle, but I do hope that with time and as you go through all of the stages that you will with (your son) as he grows up, you will realize that many of the reasons you chalk up to “abuse” may actually have been structure and discipline.  Please finish reading my letter before stopping and deleting it Honey.

... .What I am trying to say is daughters need their mothers, and mothers need their daughters, even if we don’t always agree.  ... .My point being that we must learn from our mistakes.  We also have to learn from our parents mistakes and decide for ourselves what we like and didn’t like from what they did while raising us and do things differently with our kids.

... .So (ABmedium), this is a long, round about way of saying that no matter what has happened in the past, we have to forgive, forget and move on in life because grandchildren need their grandparents.  While you and (your husband) are wonderful parents, you have to be the disciplinarians whereas grandparents just have to love their grandchildren with all of their heart.  No matter what you say about your mom (ABmeidum), I have observed for myself that she is a marvelous grandmother and I only pray that I will be half as good with my future grandchildren as she is with (your brother's two kids).

Honey, I know how much my mother’s words hurt me and I know that your mother’s words have hurt you too.  However it is a new year and I hope, time for a new start.  (your son) deserves to know and love both of his grandmothers **I have three by the way**.  He should also be able to enjoy his cousins (your brother's kids).  Please just think about what I am saying.  The decision is yours and (your husband's) of course and I won’t mention anything again.  I should tell you that your mom doesn’t know that I am writing this message.  She sounds great when I speak with her.  I have to tell you from my heart, and this is my selfish perspective.  I was kept apart from my family for most of my life and it really hurts me to not have all of my family together…I don’t care about the others.  I only care about your mom, you, (your brother) and your families.  I grew up knowing that your mom was my big sister and she, you and (your brother) were all I cared about when I was growing up, in my teens, 20’s 30’s etc and dreamed of having my family back after my Dad screwed it up for me. "


      I can't tell you how pissed I was reading this email.  One because she doesn't get it.  She doesn't believe me.  She's invalidating everything I personally experienced.  She's trying to gaslight and FOG me.  And again I told her my biggest issue with my mother's emotional and mental abuse that I suffered chronically all my life circled around her constant invalidation of me.  Here, my aunt is completely invalidating me and she doesn't even realize she's doing it.  That the "abuse" I speak of was just a disagreement or a series of strict parenting.

On a positive note, I wasn't completely thrown off balance.  Just pissed.  I'm tired of trying to convince extended family that my experiences are real and valid.  That I have a right to term my experiences as abuse - because labeling it as anything else would only have me end up as an emotional and mental punching bag for my uBPDm all over again.

BTW, my aunt's kids are split.  She has an all good child, and an all bad child who is suffering.  My aunt has a job that has her traveling all the time away from her kids, and the husband checks out a lot for his work or hunting.  So the grandmother has been the one to really raise them.  I also suspect my aunt has uBPD.  Even though she was from my grandfather's 2nd marriage.  My Grandfather's third marriage provided a uBPDstepmother who raised my mom and passed along the uBPD to her.  It's literally everywhere I look in the my mother's side of the family.  My uncle married a woman who also has it because I see first hand all my young adult cousin's having to deal with it nonstop.  I'm the only one so far in the family who is taking a firm stand and I'm really ruffling a lot of feathers.  It's such a painful process and I want to just yell into the sky with my frustrations.  But I can't go backwards.  I have a husband and little son who need me to be stable and unconditionally loving for them.

Sorry this is so long.  I just had to vent because I'm still raw by it.  I haven't responded to my aunt.  There's no use in trying to convince her of anything.  I'll probably just send her an email thanking her for the gifts she sent and not mention her other email at all.  I'm not interested in going for several rounds with her when she clearly thinks I'm crazy.  I feel like every time I get a nice scab on this deep wound I'm trying to heal, some ___hole in my family comes along an pulls it off.

Thanks for reading.  

[abmedium]

I want to wish everyone here on this board a Merry Christmas.

My 15mo LO is down for a nap so I have a little time to vent.  It's been a long time since I've posted.  Been NC with my uBPDm and brother since before the birth of my son over a year ago.  My monster stopped sending gifts after we returned (to sender) her second one on my son's first xmas.  He was 3 months old then.  I've only gotten one text from my brother who refused to acknowledge my baby shower invite because his wife at the time sided with my mom (I didn't invite my mom).  Since then I haven't heard from either of them.

My half-aunt is just like my mom, and lives several states away (thank god).  Since visiting last year and meeting my son and blindsiding me with the phrase, "Are you happy?" I proceeded to spend the next two hours telling her what happened and why I made my choices to exclude my uBPDm (I thought wanting to save the baby and not miscarry due to stress my mother causes was a good enough reason).  After hearing my side of the story, reafirms to me what a LOVING grandmother my mom would be to my son, and that she doesn't believe my mother could be anything other than loving in every way.  I didn't speak to her for a year after that.  It was like a whole 2 hours went right down the drain.

Recently she emailed me to confirm I was still living at the same address.  She wanted to send my son a belated bday and xmas gift.  I confirmed and was cordial.  Then wouldn't you know it, after two years of hell I was finally doing great for the holidays.  No crying, no obsessing, little to no depression.  Then she blindsided me on Christmas Eve morning with the longest FOG email.  I'm so pissed.  I just want to read her the riot act.  Here are the highlights from her email:

"... .Honey, Have you spoken to your mom at all?  :)oes she know about (your son's) vision problems?  I don’t speak with her about you and I really don’t want to ask you, but my mother was hugely supportive of Z's issues his first 2 years and again for all of the years that we struggled with Z’s emotional and behavioral issues.  With your husband's mom so far away, you two really could use all of the support you can get as you work so closely with (your son).  I don’t want to meddle, but I do hope that with time and as you go through all of the stages that you will with (your son) as he grows up, you will realize that many of the reasons you chalk up to “abuse” may actually have been structure and discipline.  Please finish reading my letter before stopping and deleting it Honey.

... .What I am trying to say is daughters need their mothers, and mothers need their daughters, even if we don’t always agree.  ... .My point being that we must learn from our mistakes.  We also have to learn from our parents mistakes and decide for ourselves what we like and didn’t like from what they did while raising us and do things differently with our kids.

... .So (ABmedium), this is a long, round about way of saying that no matter what has happened in the past, we have to forgive, forget and move on in life because grandchildren need their grandparents.  While you and (your husband) are wonderful parents, you have to be the disciplinarians whereas grandparents just have to love their grandchildren with all of their heart.  No matter what you say about your mom (ABmeidum), I have observed for myself that she is a marvelous grandmother and I only pray that I will be half as good with my future grandchildren as she is with (your brother's two kids).

Honey, I know how much my mother’s words hurt me and I know that your mother’s words have hurt you too.  However it is a new year and I hope, time for a new start.  (your son) deserves to know and love both of his grandmothers **I have three by the way**.  He should also be able to enjoy his cousins (your brother's kids).  Please just think about what I am saying.  The decision is yours and (your husband's) of course and I won’t mention anything again.  I should tell you that your mom doesn’t know that I am writing this message.  She sounds great when I speak with her.  I have to tell you from my heart, and this is my selfish perspective.  I was kept apart from my family for most of my life and it really hurts me to not have all of my family together…I don’t care about the others.  I only care about your mom, you, (your brother) and your families.  I grew up knowing that your mom was my big sister and she, you and (your brother) were all I cared about when I was growing up, in my teens, 20’s 30’s etc and dreamed of having my family back after my Dad screwed it up for me. "


      I can't tell you how pissed I was reading this email.  One because she doesn't get it.  She doesn't believe me.  She's invalidating everything I personally experienced.  She's trying to gaslight and FOG me.  And again I told her my biggest issue with my mother's emotional and mental abuse that I suffered chronically all my life circled around her constant invalidation of me.  Here, my aunt is completely invalidating me and she doesn't even realize she's doing it.  That the "abuse" I speak of was just a disagreement or a series of strict parenting.

On a positive note, I wasn't completely thrown off balance.  Just pissed.  I'm tired of trying to convince extended family that my experiences are real and valid.  That I have a right to term my experiences as abuse - because labeling it as anything else would only have me end up as an emotional and mental punching bag for my uBPDm all over again.

BTW, my aunt's kids are split.  She has an all good child, and an all bad child who is suffering.  My aunt has a job that has her traveling all the time away from her kids, and the husband checks out a lot for his work or hunting.  So the grandmother has been the one to really raise them.  I also suspect my aunt has uBPD.  Even though she was from my grandfather's 2nd marriage.  My Grandfather's third marriage provided a uBPDstepmother who raised my mom and passed along the uBPD to her.  It's literally everywhere I look in the my mother's side of the family.  My uncle married a woman who also has it because I see first hand all my young adult cousin's having to deal with it nonstop.  I'm the only one so far in the family who is taking a firm stand and I'm really ruffling a lot of feathers.  It's such a painful process and I want to just yell into the sky with my frustrations.  But I can't go backwards.  I have a husband and little son who need me to be stable and unconditionally loving for them.

Sorry this is so long.  I just had to vent because I'm still raw by it.  I haven't responded to my aunt.  There's no use in trying to convince her of anything.  I'll probably just send her an email thanking her for the gifts she sent and not mention her other email at all.  I'm not interested in going for several rounds with her when she clearly thinks I'm crazy.  I feel like every time I get a nice scab on this deep wound I'm trying to heal, some ___hole in my family comes along an pulls it off.

Thanks for reading.  

[BooKat]

I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope it hasn't ruined your holiday with your spouse and child. It seems to me that the holidays  stress BPDs and make them act even worse than they do the rest of the year.  I am very LC with BPDmom and have had a tough couple days with her, as she is acting like the heroic martyr, "abandoned" by her selfish, evil daughter at Christmas. It is hard. Hang in there and enjoy the rest of the holiday.

[Orange]

abmedium,

So sorry you had to deal with this the last two days. I read every word and it sounds like something en-relatives would do, or even like you said, BPD people. Props to you for realizing it's not worth your time. If you can't convince someone after 2 hours of laying down the facts, you never will.

Isn't it funny how the en-relatives and BPDparents always come out around Holidays? Hope you're having a good Christmas day!

[poodlemom]

Abmedium,

Puke! That was simply NAUSEATING. What a load of fog filled, manipulative crap! I'm so sorry you received that. It was painful and exasperating for ME to read, I can only imagine how it must've felt to YOU!

If I were you I would either not reply at all or I would say the following:

":)ear Auntie,

Just read your email and you're right about one thing... .it IS my decision."

P.S. "Thanks for the gifts."

Abmedium

It says everything you need to convey.

1) She's a meddling busy body who's sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong.

2) She didn't listen to a word you said to her for 2 hours.

3) She has completely crossed a boundary and you won't validate that or even respond to such a blatant, hurtful, one sided violation.

She doesn't know anything about you nor obviously does she care! My kids have no gparents on either side and they are happy, popular, well adjusted, successful kids. Gparents are a bonus, not a necessity. And if your mom wanted a rs with her gkids then maybe she should've treated their mom nicer!

Hugs to you... .I totally get what you're feeling, I'm just not articulating it very well.

Poodle

[P.F.Change]

I can't believe your son is 15mos already. Time flies!

I can understand why the email bothers you. She does want to meddle. Telli g you what to do with your life makes her feel more in control.

I can understand why you sought validation from her, too. We all need to be understood... .and those of us with BPD mothers are particularly vulnerable when older women act like they really want to listen. But now your aunt has shown you more of who she is, so you can make a more informed decision as you go forward. She will not be someone safe to share your feelings with.  You will be able to decide whether you want to tell her anything about your life or your child, whether you want to accept or read her emails, letters, and phone calls.

Arguing and explaining to people like this usually doesn't disarm them but rather feeds their need for conflict and adds to their stockpile of munitions. You can choose not to engage. Email filters can be a great tool, too.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[abmedium]

Thanks everyone.  This forum is one of the very few safe places I know where I will be believed and not invalidated.

BooKat - I did try my hardest to not obsess about the email like I would in the past.  We made a point of spending time with friends this year instead of any family from my uBPDm's side, and we didn't travel to my Dad's because I would have run into my brother and didn't want to bring additional tension to my Father's home.  Funny how I'm the only one who is still not wanting to create stress for others, but nobody in my extended family seems to care about that for me.   My heart goes out to you.  My mother also plays the heroic martyr very well, and has labeled me the selfish, crazy daughter who has abandoned her in general and especially at christmas.

Orange - you are so right!  I just didn't expect to get this long FOGgy diatribe from my aunt on christmas.   I'll be even more on guard for this type of thing next year.  I don't think I could ever be 100% protected, but I can certainly try.

Poodlemom - thanks for reading even though it was really painful for you to do so (I totally understand!).  You articulated everything beautifully!  I perhaps should have warned that it might be triggering in the subject.  I like your one-line email reply approach.  I also believe that children don't need grandparents to grow up into healthy and thriving adults - it's a bonus.  I would rather my child have no grandparent, than a grandparent who is abusive and splits her grandchildren just like she did with her children, and her stepmother did with my uBPDm's siblings and all of us grandchildren.  It's so sad.  But the abuse has to stop somewhere.  My son is innocent, and I refuse to subject him to her mental illness out of FOG.  That my aunt who has only seen my mother in person less than a dozen times all together would presume to know her better than I - just floors me, and tells me how crazy she is.  

P.F.Change - You are right - she isn't safe. :'( Especially if she has no clue about how her email comes across to me.  Even though I want to rip into her verbally, it would just appear like I am trying to seek her approval for my choices - and frankly I'm not anymore.  That first time explaining to her my gut-wrenching journey through my pregnancy was my desperate plea for her to see the culmination of my decades of enduring abuse from my mother. And all in vain.  Now I am just annoyed.  Another relative bites the dust.  I have set up an email filter for my uBPDm, and now I'll set up one for her.  Thanks for the gentle reminder.

I keep thinking this is what children must feel like growing up in a home of where domestic violence, rape, physical abuse or any other number of horrifying abuses took place.  Then I shake my head, because I am one of those children!  Maybe I don't have the physical proof, but that I have only a handful of memories I can recall from my childhood - at least to me are a huge indication of just how much I suppressed, and how much abuse I truly endured.  I was a victim then.  I am not now, because I choose to not enable it to continue.  I'm so tired of my extended family chalking up my experiences to "strict parenting."  As if I am not capable as an adult, of being able to logically differentiate between the two in my own mind.  

[abmedium]

Ok Update***

So this morning I responded to my aunt's email.  I had debated not responding at all, yet I don't want to completely close the door yet.  So my reply was to draw a succinct boundary.  Regardless of how she responded, I was able to give myself a voice, release this obsessive energy that her email triggered, and reaffirm my own self-validation.  Here's what I sent:

(Aunt),

You are meddling.  Do not send me anymore of these types of emails.  It was poorly timed, completely invalidating and patronizing.   I have a son to raise, a husband to take care of, and a business to run (that is our sole source of income).  You have the right to a stellar opinion about my mother, however please don't push it on me.  I am more than capable of assessing my almost four decades of first-hand experiencing with my mother's consistent mental and emotional instability, as something far outside the range of "strict parenting."  (My son) doesn't need more grandparents. He needs a stable and unconditionally loving environment to thrive in.  That is what I am choosing to do differently than my parents.

Thank you for (my son's) gifts.  The book is beautiful.

(Abmedium)


***she wrote me back immediately with an apology and that she would not send those types of emails again.  So I guess we'll see how things go in the future.

[poodlemom]

Good for you Abmedium! Fist pump! Your reply was firm & succinct. I couldn't have said it better myself. I bet she felt like an idiot after your response to her BS. I wanted to stand up and cheer while I read your email. You go girl!

Hugs

Poodle

[Orange]

abmedium,

Your response was freaking awesome. You disqualified everything in her long e-mail in just a few points. Way to hold your boundary. Very well done!  

[linusham]

abmedium. I read your first post and felt so bad for you having to deal with such crap over the holidays and then I read your reply and I jumped up and down cheering you on!   

What a brilliant reply that totally refuses to engage with any of her issues but totally tells her what your boundaries are. I hope you're feeling as proud of yourself as you should be? Big hugs.

[abmedium]

Thanks Everyone for your feedback.  I really appreciate it! 

I thought it was interesting she only sent me a one liner back apologizing. Yet I purposefully wrote my reply to her in a way where I wasn't inviting further commentary on my life.  I never asked her for it in previous emails.  Just offered how our year with my son was going.  Even now I feel my reply was too harsh.  I hate to hurt other peoples feelings, but I've learned that I need to give own feelings a voice, and sometimes that means actually responding.

In this case - with my aunt can be overbearing and bully-ish, as if she knows everything about everything - I had to define a boundary or she would continue to trigger me with her phone calls and emails.  F**k, I was doing so well too for the first time during the holidays!  Just pisses me off.

Anyway, thank you all for reaffirming my courage in setting a boundary with my most likely uBPD aunt.  Holy heck it feels like just about everyone on my mom's side has undiagnosed BPD, or severe depression.