Aging Mom with BPD

[mfhrh]

Hi everyone. It has been a difficult holiday, and I am thankful to have found you guys.  I am the fifty-three year old daughter of a mom with diagnosed BPD. Mom and I are the only two left in the family - my dad, step-dad, and both brothers have died (in separate car accidents) and there is not much extended family. Though I have a wide circle of friends and a meaningful job, at times - especially when Mom is acting out - I can feel very alone. We had reached a comfortable level and style of connection, which we'd sustained for several years, until November, when Mom was hospitalized and - upon her release - sent to health care at the facility she calls home. I have had to be more physically present for and firm with her, first about going to the hospital after multiple falls, and then in expressing concerns (to staff and to her, when necessary) about her ability to navigate independently and to drive. As a result, the "witch" has surfaced and gone for the jugular several times since her return to her apartment mid-December. I am trying to remember that I have done nothing wrong. Even at fifty-three, though, sometimes it's hard not to morph back into that terrified child. Right now I am feeling pretty sad.

[Suzn]

Hello MegLovesRudy   

Welcome to bpdfamily.com. I'm glad you found us but sorry you've had to.    Managing an aging parent is hard for anyone, add in BPD and it triples in difficulty. You've come to the right place for support and to help you learn some specific skills to help you better your relationship with your mother.

How are you coping? You sound as though you have some good boundaries in place with your mother, have you considered a therapist for support with what you've been up against?

[GeekyGirl]

Welcome! 

It's understandable that you feel alone and sad--it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, since you're your mother's primary caretaker. That's a tough position for anyone, but it can be even more difficult when your mother's behavior is hurtful. Even as adults, we want our parents' love.

As suzn said, you've found the right place for support. How are you taking care of yourself through this?

I'd encourage you to learn all you can about BPD and practice the tools here. You'll find ways to communicate with your mother and make sure that your needs are met at the same time.

Hang in there and please feel free to join the conversation!

-GG

[mfhrh]

Thanks, GG and Suzn. I do see a counselor who has been tremendously helpful to me, especially in dealing with my mom. I may need to increase the frequency of my sessions during this time. I've also read Walking on Eggshells and Understanding the Borderline Mother, two books that have really, really helped me. It might help to reread sections that apply right now, and to do additional reading, especially via this website. I feel so much better just seeing your posts. Thank you.

The hardest part right now is that Mom sucker-punches me and, when I respond assertively, cries that I am abusing her. For instance, she asked me out of the blue during my visit on Christmas Day how I thought my life might have been different if I hadn't "had sex with so many men." I was stunned (I did not have the gumption to laugh it off), so I excused myself - went to the bathroom and just sat there for a moment, trying to get the "adult on board," so to speak. I returned and said, "Mom that really stung. I don't want to talk about the choices I've made." She immediately began sobbing and said that I was being abusive. It's just cazy.

I have two female friends who have mothers with - at the very least - borderline tendencies. I am thinking that, considering your input, I might need to increase contact with each of them as well, to strengthen my safety net.

PS -- Mom just called to say that "we can't have a relationship anymore because it's all going downhill." She hasn't pulled the rejection card in a LONG time. Thankfully, it holds no weight anymore.

[GeekyGirl]

Hang in there. There are many of us here who understand how hard this is.   My mother has BPD as well, and I know firsthand how painful it can be to be on the receiving end of judgmental (and sometimes very inaccurate) statements and threats of abandonment.

Understanding the Borderline Mother was a real eye-opener for me too. One thing that has helped me deal with my mother's behavior is brushing up on my communications skills to reduce conflict. SET (TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth) is a tool that can be very effective.

I have two female friends who have mothers with - at the very least - borderline tendencies. I am thinking that, considering your input, I might need to increase contact with each of them as well, to strengthen my safety net.

It's always a good idea to have a support system. Good friends, the members here and a therapist can really make things more bearable.

[mfhrh]

Thank you, GG. Yes, I think that support system is vital. Mom always tried to keep us to herself and was bitter when we tried to individuate in any respect. I remember seeing my younger brother's counselor with him (I was collateral-sp-for that session), and her saying that we needed to actively validate each other's stories. That was one layer of loss I felt at his death. So having friends, whether on-line or in-the-flesh, to validate and be validated by, helps to fill that void. I know you get it.

I saw a reference to SET earlier; I'll go back and look at it. I am thinking that learning and practicing use of new tools will improve my perspective adn increase my hope. What a great place this is.