Escaped BPR madness. Now what?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I live in Southern California. I have two children, 10 and 12 year old boys. uBPRh earns low six figures. Has not wanted me to work and has denied me the ability to work for 13 years. I left him a week ago and went out of state to my mothers. How long can I stay before it looks bad on me custody wise?  Things are not going well and have never gotten to this point before. I'm a little afraid of what he might be capible of.  I don't want to go home yet. If at all.

[UnfadingLife]

I live in Southern California. I have two children, 10 and 12 year old boys. uBPRh earns low six figures. Has not wanted me to work and has denied me the ability to work for 13 years. I left him a week ago and went out of state to my mothers. How long can I stay before it looks bad on me custody wise?  Things are not going well and have never gotten to this point before. I'm a little afraid of what he might be capible of.  I don't want to go home yet. If at all.

[sanemom]

Are the kids with you?  Have you spoken with an attorney?

[UnfadingLife]

Kids are with me. I've never spent a night away from them.
It's time for an attorney. It got ugly today. Really ugly.

[ForeverDad]

To keep consistency between the states, custody issues are handled in the residence(s) of the parent.  It takes 6 months to establish residency for custodial issues, I presume if contested.

Be aware you will almost surely need more than a forms filing, hand-holding attorney.  Interview a few quickly and pick the best fit for you.  Don't look for price, look for solutions, strategies and an assertive, proactive attorney.  An experienced proactive lawyer will probably end up being cheaper than all the stress and delays that a 'cheaper' lawyer may end up charging.

Do you have any joint accounts?  I think all states have laws saying the money in joint account is 50/50 split.  So you can be 'fair' and move at least 50% over to a personal account ASAP.  (He is very likely to drain the joint accounts.)  However, since he has a good income and you're not working, then you can set aside 'fairness' for now so that you can secure enough money so that (1) you can have money to live on and (2) money to retain an experienced, proactive lawyer.  If you have joint credit cards you may want to use a card for the retainer?  (If you aren't a sole or joint accountholder, then he might be able to refuse the payment, but I'm not sure.)

Long term concept:  Face the Facts... .You are not very employable right now.  It is entirely fair for you to ask for more than child support, ask for spousal support/alimony for yourself so you can go to college (2 years is reasonable, 4 years might be pushing it?) for a degree or career training.  If you show to the court that you're interested in Moving On and eventually be independent, court may work with you and order what he would otherwise deny you.

Remember, right now he feels he is In Control and in charge and will demand for things to return back under his control.  When it transitions to court, he will be limited, court is The Real Authority.  Don't be timid when it comes to your needs and the children's needs.

If his behaviors haven't been too bad in the court's eyes, it's possible you may have to return so that he gets visitation and you can be local for the court hearings.  Since he is gainfully employed, you may be able to ask the court to order him to move out for the duration (so you have legal "possession" and he can't enter unless you agree) and continue paying the bills until the divorce is final.

[Thunderstruck]

I would say... .before the end of summer plan on being back in SoCal. The kids need to go to school. If you try to uproot them, the court may order they be returned back to CA and placed with dad for primary custody.

If it's at all possible (I know it isn't always, BPDs can be very difficult) try to work out a timesharing arrangement with x. Maybe offer every other weekends and go from there. If that becomes the arrangement, then it'd be easy to get it temporarily ordered, which would give you a leg up on getting it final ordered.

If ex says you kept the kids from him then the courts would probably just split timesharing 50/50 at the temp hearing. Then you'll need evidence (custody evaluations, etc) to gain any extra timesharing and that can get expensive.

[UnfadingLife]

I don't plan on staying here at my mothers. I'm going back to California. I'm just not sure what he planned while I was away.  He's now in the process of building a "case" against me, having people give him "information" that comes out of his mouth as twisted versions of the truth. It's sick. Than he'll call or text about loving me or how my animals miss me. Calling my boys and telling them to make sure I answer the phone when he calls... .this roller coaster ride is squishing my brain!  I was screaming at him at the top of my lungs this morning... "CAN YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONE TINY LITTLE THING?  HOW DOES EVERYTHING BECOME MY FAULT?"
It's so past that to me. There's no fault, no blame, no taking responsibility anymore. There are two confused little boys who want there family back and I have to change their lives and turn them upside down to protect them .
There is no way to protect them from this and I need to somehow not fall apart.

[Thunderstruck]

  Get yourself some support. Divorce is rough, emotions run very high. My DH and uBPDbm weren't even married and it has been extremely difficult in our custody case (it's still going on four years after DH filed, ugh!).

I saw from another post that he is posturing to paint you as having problems with drinking and drugs... .I know you say you aren't drinking now but have you been attending any meetings? Courts are more willing to forgive past mistakes if a person is actively working to correct them.

Also... .don't be screaming at him. What are the recording laws in your state? He could record those conversations and paint you as mentally unstable/explosive. Use every ounce of composure you've got to keep things as civil and even-handed as possible. I know it isn't easy.

[ForeverDad]

Beware of your natural tendency to be overly fair or even history of deferring to his dictates.  Meaning, you do not have to be intimidated into returning and complying with his demands.  You can firmly state a boundary, that you two agree to certain ground rules on a parenting schedule and support or else you each present your case to family/domestic court for the judge to issue a temporary order.  You as a mother may have a slight advantage in court since so many have procedures that give default preference to mothers.  For example, the fact that you're not working means you have a history of majority parenting time, something that courts will be unwilling to change.

Of course we here in peer support can help you on many of the issues, solutions and workarounds, we've been there, done that.  But for legal advice, that's what your lawyer is for.

I knew my court system would defer to my Ex so I recorded myself to prove it wasn't me that was being demanding, abusive and crazy making.  For some reason she would rant and rage and reverse herself whenever she wished on the phone.  And many time she was even aware I was recording.  (Some states don't want to deal with phone calls, so they may be of limited benefit.  I recorded since, as a man, I knew it would be easy to get arrested for claimed DV or other bad behaviors, even without any substantiation.  Fortunately I live in a two-party state and recording my ex and me itself wasn't a legal issue.)

Thunderstruck is right, you MUST keep your composure.  Don't let him push your Hot Buttons.  You know he's not reasonable and not listening, so why expect reasonable communications?  State your requirements, needs, whatever.  Then Let Go.  You can't force him to do anything.  At this point only his lawyer or the court may have an impact on him.  As has been said here before, whatever you say or write, do it as though you have the court looking and listening over your shoulder.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, unfadinglife. It can feel traumatic and emotional and scary.

Your husband seems to be cycling between raging and tenderness. You've been married a long time. What usually happens when you capitulate? Is there a period of calm for a while? How quickly do his moods swing? How would you characterize his narcissistic tendencies?

He's now in the process of building a "case" against me, having people give him "information" that comes out of his mouth as twisted versions of the truth.

It's very painful when our reputations are maligned. It's also easy to feel like the people we love and live with are bigger than life and can destroy us, we tend to buy into that perception and forget that there are other realities and perspectives out there.

It sounds like he is trying desperately to scare you into staying, not a great strategy 

You're a good mama and love your boys. It may be time, now, to talk to a lawyer (discretely) and ask some questions. This doesn't mean you have to leave right away, and many members here will not judge you if you choose to stay and think this through. Same if you leave. We understand how difficult these relationships, whether you stay or go.

Friends and family are going to give you advice that may send your blood pressure through the roof. Can you go talk to a lawyer privately, maybe family will pay for the consultation, and find out how things work where you live?

No matter what you do, it's probably a good idea to start documenting things. I know it's hard when you're this scared and feeling anxious about all the uncertainty, but documenting what is happening will really help. I created a Google calendar and started to link emails to dates, and kept track of things that happened. It's hard to remember clearly when you're flooded in emotions. If you ever need it, you'll be able to print out the Google calendar in agenda view and be able to see everything in chronological order.

It saved my sanity, honestly.

"CAN YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONE TINY LITTLE THING?  HOW DOES EVERYTHING BECOME MY FAULT?"

People with BPD are shame-prone and are so aversive to experiencing that shame, they shift it away. They use a crude defense mechanism, which is to project behaviors onto others. It is easier to process difficult feelings by externalizing them onto other people. Inside, he is scared and desperate. This doesn't excuse his behavior, only to try and explain that he does not perceive reality the same way we do.

This is a good support system for you, and members will walk with you. You're not alone.

LnL