If your inner child could speak, what would it say?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been giving my inner child a lot of thought today. I think acknowledging her and comforting her is really important to my healing and recovery from a childhood spent with my BPDm.

My inner child didn't ever get to have a childhood. Whenever I picture her or think of her, I see a lonely, unheard 5 year old girl. I feel like she got stunted specifically at the age of 5, which is coincidentally when my PBDm and I moved to the United States and lost all contact with anybody that ever provided me nurturance. I feel like my inner child never got to experience age 6, 7, 8, etc because she was forced to grow up immediately at 5 and care emotionally for her BPDm while also caring for herself. I'm sure most of you with BPD parents understand exactly what I mean when I say this.

I'd like this to be the beginning of a positive thread where we can give our inner children some air time. What does your inner child have to say that it never got a chance to? What do you want to say to your inner child?

[gentlestguardian]

I've been giving my inner child a lot of thought today. I think acknowledging her and comforting her is really important to my healing and recovery from a childhood spent with my BPDm.

My inner child didn't ever get to have a childhood. Whenever I picture her or think of her, I see a lonely, unheard 5 year old girl. I feel like she got stunted specifically at the age of 5, which is coincidentally when my PBDm and I moved to the United States and lost all contact with anybody that ever provided me nurturance. I feel like my inner child never got to experience age 6, 7, 8, etc because she was forced to grow up immediately at 5 and care emotionally for her BPDm while also caring for herself. I'm sure most of you with BPD parents understand exactly what I mean when I say this.

I'd like this to be the beginning of a positive thread where we can give our inner children some air time. What does your inner child have to say that it never got a chance to? What do you want to say to your inner child?

[Hawk Ridge]

My T is trying to get me to talk to my inner child.  I was supposed to ask her what she thought of my exBPDgf.  My inner child says she was scared of her but is otherwise quiet.  I find that sad and interesting as my ex often accused me of overcommunicating if I wanted to resolve conflicts.  Been really teary today.  Comes in waves I guess.  Interested in hearing how others engage with their inner child. 

[Indie]

She wants to say she is bright and curious and wants to explore so many neat things all around her and share it all out loud with someone who will say "wow, that is awesome!  You get out there and experience this incredible world!"  She wants to love a puppy, ride a horse, learn to dance, make a mess doing kid things without fear.

I want to tell her I love her, that it is ok to make mistakes (even big ones!), to not be afraid to be herself.  I want to tell her she is a very different person from the adult woman who calls herself her mother, and she is not responsible for making that woman happy.  Mostly I want to tell her I love her and it's all ok because nothing she will ever do will cause her to lose the love I have for her.

XOXO

[gentlestguardian]

She wants to say she is bright and curious and wants to explore so many neat things all around her and share it all out loud with someone who will say "wow, that is awesome!  You get out there and experience this incredible world!" 

I love that! It's not too far off from what my inner child wants too. She wants some indulgence, dammit! Someone to look at the plain old rock she just found and get excited about it with her. Someone to listen to her stories of made-up worlds with characters that have wacky names and encourage her to never stop writing. Someone to tell her to chase her impractical dreams instead of telling her she'll never make it as a writer and shouldn't even try because her duty is to take care of her BPDm and she can't do that with a low income. Obviously my inner child is a bit bitter today  .

[MyLifeNow]

A therapist once asked me to conjure an image of my inner child and talk to it, as a self parenting strategy. I sat there for about 30 minutes and got absolutely nowhere heh. I'm really not sure why I couldn't do it.

[trees]

I see my inner child throwing an epic hissy fit/tantrum. Full-on wailing, failing, rolling on the floor, stamping feet, drama, tears.

I wasn't allowed to show any emotion as a kid. If my mom was screaming at me for hours on end, spitting in my face, saying the most vile nasty things (the I-wish-you-were-never-born, you-are-evil-incarnate sort) and I dared shed a single tear, it would just fuel her rage further. Ditto if I asked her not to scream. (I've lost count how many times she'd yell back "I'M NOT SCREAMING!"

If I made a peep of "please don't talk to me like that," my mom would inevitably tell my dad that I was being a smart-a$$. My dad would come into my room later & lecture me about "not talking back" because that only made things "worse." If I started crying, he'd look at me like I was a foreign creature & just walk out of the room. Or stand there awkwardly, not saying anything or just repeating the same old, "You know how your mother is. You need to be a big girl and just stand there and take it when she's being like that."

So yes, my inner kid wants to have a temper tantrum to end all temper tantrums. And then go play with her dog, eat an ice-cream cone and climb her favorite tree and watch the clouds roll by.

[Harri]

Sometimes I would write letters to Little me.  I would tell her she is loved for just being who she is and she is not responsible for the adults in her life.  I would tell her that the adults were wrong to tell her she was bad or evil when she tried to separate and that I was very proud of her for just being her.  I used to post on a board for survivors of mother daughter incest and there was a special section for getting in touch and taking care of the little ones within us.  It was quite moving, yet heartbreaking too.  I also bought crayons and coloring books so I could play with her a bit.   I haven't in a while though.  

So anyway, I lost touch with her over the last several years and after reading this post yesterday I went looking for her.  I think she might have grown up a bit.  She used to be around 4 or 5 but now I think she is more like 14 or at least that is what I sense when I try to focus on her.  I am not sure how to talk with an angry and scared teenager.  I can talk to scared and angry little kids, but teenagers intimidate me a bit.  

Gentlestg, have you ever tried writing a book with your little ones stories in it?  She could even do illustrations for it!  

Indie, thats it!  You have to buy her a pony today!    And then let her play in the mud or use finger paints!  

[gentlestguardian]

So anyway, I lost touch with her over the last several years and after reading this post yesterday I went looking for her.  I think she might have grown up a bit.  She used to be around 4 or 5 but now I think she is more like 14 or at least that is what I sense when I try to focus on her.  I am not sure how to talk with an angry and scared teenager.  I can talk to scared and angry little kids, but teenagers intimidate me a bit.   

That is super interesting! I've actually been hoping something similar might happen to my inner child; that if I give her enough love and care, she will eventually grow up and catch up to my real age.

Gentlestg, have you ever tried writing a book with your little ones stories in it?  She could even do illustrations for it!   

That is a genius suggestion, thank you so much!   I'm going to do it. I love the coloring book idea too.

[Harri]

I'm going to do it. I love the coloring book idea too.

I am grinning from ear to ear for you!  I am also relieved because I thought you might think I am crazy... .and I am but so what!  Besides, the world needs more adults who play with crayons!  Go you!   

[Ziggiddy]

What a lovely thread to start gentlestguardian! And harri what a sensational idea for the little story book. I am going to think about that. i have shrunk back from journalling as it feels like it would be too dark and painful. that feels like a much lighter and brighter and sparkling approach.

And then go play with her dog, eat an ice-cream cone and climb her favorite tree and watch the clouds roll by.

this brought back a memory or two for me!

My little Zig  - I noticed something about her the other day that was sad and a bit wierd. i mean she's always messy - with wild ziggy hair and an ugly dress. thin arms - so in need of care. But I noticed that she doesn't meet my eyes. on the rare occasion she does, she is haunted and vulnerable ... .and looks JUST like my father, i had a sudden insight to why he stays with my mother. He is comfortable in terror.

But little zig - well she has such a short attention span "No I don't!" she just said, hands on hips. "It's just that Mum talks SO much and for SO long and with so. Much. Detail that I can't understand it all."

ok. there's something I never thought of before!

gg - I like your question "what would you say to your inner child" i confess I never thought much about that. I'm going to have to give that some thought.

mylifenow

A therapist once asked me to conjure an image of my inner child and talk to it, as a self parenting strategy. I sat there for about 30 minutes and got absolutely nowhere heh. I'm really not sure why I couldn't do it.

I felt so sad for you when I read that. Then I thought maybe small life is just too scared to come out? Maybe it might be possible to just listen for a whisper? Or you may find it useful if you can to look at some photos of yourself when you were little. You may have forgotten how gorgeous you were? If you're not ready to connect, would you be able to observe? Maybe your little self on a bike? Or playing marbles? or any of the other things you might like to do when you were a kid? Sometimes we are just so knocked around that the little kid inside us is just not willing to come out. But I'll bet if you looked under the bed ... .or behind the barbecue. or in the cupboard - in one of your old hiding spots - you might just see a shadow? I hop eyou do. If not that's cool. it'll happen at the right time.

Oh. i think little Zig would like to go to the park more often. And have to time after playing on the swing and the slide to just sit and look at the colour of the light on the trees. She doesn't want to rush off and cram in all the other busy things. She's lookin gup at trees up in the tree with the ice cream and is wondering if she could get a strawberry one?

[trees]

Of course! Would you like a single scoop or a double? Sprinkles? Nuts?

I'm a chocolate gal myself (with extra sprinkles).

[trees]

Also, this is going to sound really weird but picturing a 5-yr old me throwing a hissy fit really was the perfect release for the anger that welled up in me yesterday.

So thank you gentlestguarian for starting this thread! I owe you one. 

I can now use the fresh icecubes in my freezer for making lemonade instead! Or maybe I'll still chuck a few.

[Harri]

I think I just fell in love with Little Zig and Little Tree!   I love the imagery! 

Tree, you could always 'destroy' the ice cubes in a blender and then repurpose them into frozen margueritas or something.  Just sayin'... .

[trees]

Harri, I like the way you think. 

[gentlestguardian]

Also, this is going to sound really weird but picturing a 5-yr old me throwing a hissy fit really was the perfect release for the anger that welled up in me yesterday.

So thank you gentlestguarian for starting this thread! I owe you one. 

Aw yay, this makes me feel happy. I'm glad I could be of some help!

[thereishope]

She wants to say she is bright and curious and wants to explore so many neat things all around her and share it all out loud with someone who will say "wow, that is awesome!  You get out there and experience this incredible world!"  She wants to love a puppy, ride a horse, learn to dance, make a mess doing kid things without fear.

I want to tell her I love her, that it is ok to make mistakes (even big ones!), to not be afraid to be herself.  I want to tell her she is a very different person from the adult woman who calls herself her mother, and she is not responsible for making that woman happy.  Mostly I want to tell her I love her and it's all ok because nothing she will ever do will cause her to lose the love I have for her.

XOXO

[workinprogress]

My inner child would say, "can't I just have a hug?"

[Woolspinner2000]

I'm not quite sure yet what Little Wooly would say. She's pretty scared yet and afraid to come out and mostly she's quiet. Since I'm just learning to meet her, I'll have to figure out her hiding places. I know one thing I'd do with her. I'd climb all the way up into the haymow in the barn and help her build those hay forts that she likes to put together and hide in. And we'd breathe in the scent of the fresh mown hay and watch the dust particles float through the sunlight shafts that sneak in through the gaps in the barn walls as we sit on the prickly hay bales for chairs. We'd be real quiet and enjoy the peace.

Woolspinner

[Hawk Ridge]

Mine just wants to play and then lay in the grass watching the puffy white clouds creating characters and figures.

My T wants me to ask my inner child what she thought of my emotionally abusive exBPDgf.  I think she says she scared her.  She scared me too... .

[thereishope]

This is a really good thread, with opportunity for growth and healing, I believe... .I want to investigate this further myself... .  I find I currently am very stuck inside the grown woman who I have always had a lot of pressure on... .I see she has made so many big bad mistakes... .and I'm mad at her, and trying to figure out how to correct her errors... .When I read through these posts though, it made me cry because I know "little hope" is in here too, and I really see value in allowing her to express herself and heal... .I think this will probably help me deal with the grown woman I am mad at, too.   

Little hope likes life, and everything in it is intriguing to her... .she feels the sun's rays, and likes feeling a warm breeze too... .hearing the trees rustle overhead... .She loves the majesty and power of the ocean... .loves to see, hear, smell it... .Loves flowers, grass, the outdoors, people, loves to make people smile, she likes to sing without worrying her voice isn't good enough... .She's a tomboy, with short hair and jeans and a teeshirt... .she misses Maine and her parents... .Doesn't like stress and busy-ness... .likes the country, and quiet and peace... .Wants to just feel ok again... .

[Ziggiddy]

workinprogress -getoverhere!

 

Man this family is great.

[workinprogress]

workinprogress -getoverhere!

 

Man this family is great.

Thank you Zig!

I can't remember my parents ever hugging me.  Now that they are aging and chronic illnesses, I do try to have more physical contact with them.  I will put my hand on my dad's back and hug my mom.  It's tough.  My dad was such a bully and my mom was so mean.  I really have to make an effort to do it, but I'm glad when I do.

I wonder now if they haven't needed hugs and the like their whole lives and weren't able to reach out for them.

[gentlestguardian]

This is a really good thread, with opportunity for growth and healing, I believe... .I want to investigate this further myself... .  I find I currently am very stuck inside the grown woman who I have always had a lot of pressure on... .I see she has made so many big bad mistakes... .and I'm mad at her, and trying to figure out how to correct her errors... .

Hope,

I struggle with this too and have to fight it back on a daily basis it seems. I found a really cheesy internet meme the other day that's been of great help though. It said something along the lines of, "Forgive yourself for the past because you were only doing your best with what you knew then, even if you know differently now." It's really hard to stop kicking yourself, isn't it? Especially for children of BPD parents. But that quote is true. We couldn't have known then what we know now, and you're here now, healing and moving forward. I think that warrants enough pride to negate some self-criticism .

[thereishope]

This is a really good thread, with opportunity for growth and healing, I believe... .I want to investigate this further myself... .  I find I currently am very stuck inside the grown woman who I have always had a lot of pressure on... .I see she has made so many big bad mistakes... .and I'm mad at her, and trying to figure out how to correct her errors... .

Hope,

I struggle with this too and have to fight it back on a daily basis it seems. I found a really cheesy internet meme the other day that's been of great help though. It said something along the lines of, "Forgive yourself for the past because you were only doing your best with what you knew then, even if you know differently now." It's really hard to stop kicking yourself, isn't it? Especially for children of BPD parents. But that quote is true. We couldn't have known then what we know now, and you're here now, healing and moving forward. I think that warrants enough pride to negate some self-criticism .

Thank you, gentlest!  I said similar words to my ex-h yesterday as a matter of fact... .Something along the lines of, "I'm sorry for doing these things then... .I wish I had known how to do things differently then, but I understand much better now... ."

I really like that quote and am going to save it.  Thank you for sharing it.    I really am thankful for our BPD family.  :D

[clljhns]

gentlestguardian,


I really hesitated to answer this post. I think mostly because this really hit a nerve.

What would my inner child say? As I type these words, my stomach immediately tenses and becomes hard. Hmmm. I think she would cry. For a very long time. Just silence. This was her existence. Silence. I can see her big sad eyes just staring in disbelief to everything around her. I remember finding new hiding places in my home when my mother would go into one of her rages, I would run to that hiding place.

So, what would she say. Well, I can tell you that she is safe. She stays with lion. Lion carries her on her back and takes her for long rides into the forest. She does have a beautiful, haunting laugh that rings through the forest. She sits by a stream and stares at the pebbles. But, she doesn't speak, yet.

[gentlestguardian]

gentlestguardian,

I think she would cry. For a very long time. Just silence. This was her existence. Silence. I can see her big sad eyes just staring in disbelief to everything around her... .So, what would she say. Well, I can tell you that she is safe. She stays with lion. Lion carries her on her back and takes her for long rides into the forest. She does have a beautiful, haunting laugh that rings through the forest. She sits by a stream and stares at the pebbles. But, she doesn't speak, yet.

     I feel for your inner child; how lonely she must have felt through her childhood; how scared.

Lately I have been thanking my inner child. I wrote her a letter and thanked her for being her; for being so strong, willful, and willing to take the burden of caring for herself and her BPDm in a foreign country where she knew no one. I wrote that I appreciated her for getting me here, to my adult self. If it wasn't for her strength and courage, I would have been lost. Thanking her has opened her up to me. She's starting to feel more real, and I'm starting to feel glimpses of her easy joy again.

Would you thank your inner child, clljhns? Would you take her in your arms and comfort her?

[Mutt]

Mine would say. Let's play. Let's have some fun.

[Turkish]

Mine would say. Let's play. Let's have some fun.

I see that and I think the movie War Games. Tic-tac-toe? No. Global thermonuclear war. Always going to the extreme.

I can't conjur up an inner child, and I don't know what that means.

[clljhns]

gentlestguardian,

I had never considered thanking her for being strong and brave. But after reading your question, it makes sense. Without that little girls resolve and courage, I wouldn't be the adult I am today. Thank you for bringing this gift to me. I will take the time to connect with her and begin the healing process. I have always avoided this. It is so painful to think of all she witnessed and experienced.

Would I nurture her? I am still learning how to do this for myself as an adult. I think you are right. I need to comfort her. Wow. This is going to be tough.

Thank you again for your gift and the gift of being you. 

Peace and blessings. 

[gentlestguardian]

I can't conjur up an inner child, and I don't know what that means.

Turkish -- If I had to guess (and if I'm presuming too much, I apologize in advance), I'd say it means that you're a very effective caretaker of everyone around you except for yourself. It means you don't feel your inner child is worthy of your time because your kids, etc. are more worthy/deserving. It's a choice you're probably making unconsciously.

Can I ask you, do you goof off with your kids? Not just take care of them, but actually engage in absurd and foolish play with them with your guard down? Are they young enough to get really goofy and absurd with?