If your inner child could speak, what would it say?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Thank you Ziggidy!

lm1109-loved what you wrote about your recent discovery! I agree, it was not a coincidence. I had a stuffed kitten that served the same purpose for me as a child. I still have that raggedy kitten, with one button eye missing. When I moved out of state several years ago, I came across the kitten and was prepared to retire her, when my daughter saw her and asked me about her. We talked about her significance, and I expressed to my daughter that I was contemplating getting rid of her because she is now in a state of deterioration. My daughter emphatically stated that I should keep her and requested that she have her as a memento of my childhood. So, I gave her to my daughter for safe keeping. Interestingly, my daughter has a stuffed puppy, named Puppa, that she still has to this day. He served a similar purpose for my daughter. I very much enjoyed reading your story, as it helped to validate my own, and also helps to create a connection to those here that share a similar story.

Peace and blessings! 

[clljhns]

Thank you Ziggidy!

lm1109-loved what you wrote about your recent discovery! I agree, it was not a coincidence. I had a stuffed kitten that served the same purpose for me as a child. I still have that raggedy kitten, with one button eye missing. When I moved out of state several years ago, I came across the kitten and was prepared to retire her, when my daughter saw her and asked me about her. We talked about her significance, and I expressed to my daughter that I was contemplating getting rid of her because she is now in a state of deterioration. My daughter emphatically stated that I should keep her and requested that she have her as a memento of my childhood. So, I gave her to my daughter for safe keeping. Interestingly, my daughter has a stuffed puppy, named Puppa, that she still has to this day. He served a similar purpose for my daughter. I very much enjoyed reading your story, as it helped to validate my own, and also helps to create a connection to those here that share a similar story.

Peace and blessings! 

[Woolspinner2000]

Im1109,

Thank you for sharing your touching story!  I am so very glad that you saved that teddy bear for this time in your life. For many of us our pwBPD got rid of many of our things, so it is truly a great treasure. And to think how your Teddy has helped you re-connect with your inner child. A happy sigh for you... .

In the past couple of weeks I felt very odd yet strangely excited to be shopping for a box of new crayons, a coloring book, a paint by number project with a horse on it, construction paper, and chalk. To smell those new crayons brought back memories of me coloring with my brother as a little girl. It is relaxing to enjoy these childhood activities once again, and the memories associated are the safe ones so far.

Wools

[catclaw]

Im1109,

In the past couple of weeks I felt very odd yet strangely excited to be shopping for a box of new crayons, a coloring book, a paint by number project with a horse on it, construction paper, and chalk. To smell those new crayons brought back memories of me coloring with my brother as a little girl. It is relaxing to enjoy these childhood activities once again, and the memories associated are the safe ones so far.

Wools

i'm lucky i had a happy childhood (with a very strict and expecting and demanding NPD father who was hardly ever home), but my mom (who had a really terrbile childhood herself) did all this stuff she never get to do when she was little, with me when i was a little girl. my brother is very much older than i am, but they did different stuff. when there was me as a little girl, she was able to fulfill every activity little mommy wished to do, but with me. she said that this was just healing for her. but at times she cried and cried and i never got why... .that was when the "unsafe" memories came back to her. still happens every now and then, but we both know why and found our ways to deal with this.

[lm1109]

 Thank you Woolspinner it hit me when you said that many of our BPD parents got rid of our stuff. I almost typed it out in my post that it was amazing that I ended getting tobkeep him because she would ALWAYS get rid of my stuff. Ive thought about this and have gotten angry but never connected it as a BPD trait untill now! She was constantly giving my things away without asking me or when I would ask her if she knew where something was she would smirk and carelessly say "Oh I gave that to goodwill" It made me extremly mad because we were poor and I didnt have many possessions to begin with! I knew she did it just to hurt me. The worst example of this was my cat(for some reason my cat hated her... .cant imagine why... .) When I was about 17 we got in a huge fight and I left and stayed at a friends house for about a week. I was FORCED to come home by her becsuse I wasnt 18 yet. When I came home she said(as it were no big deal at all) "By the way your cat ran away." The cat was mainly an outdoor cat  (she didnt want it in the house) But I would let him in my room when it was cold and when no one was home... .it did NOT just run away! I was furious and when I questionedvher she would play dumb. Then one day when no one else was around I said something about my cat. ans she had this chilling cold face and said "maybe it went looking for you when you ran away!" IThat undoubtedly was admission... .I remember feeling sick to my stomachad scared of her. It kept me up at night and I still wonder did she just take it to the pound (I checked and couldnt find him in any of the ones near us) Im pretty sure I believe that she killed him just to hurt me!  Anyways Im surprised I was able to keep my bear as well... .when I finally decided to put him in storage as a kid I remember hiding him as well as I could... .and thats why I went back at 18 and got him, I knew if I ever found him she would take great joy in yhrowing him out. Its amazing how this board conjures up all these memories I had stuffed.  It hurts to remember them but its such validation for me when I find myself in her traps of making me feel like IM the crazy one. It also makes me so thankful for my life right now. Im sorry I dont know how to do the quote thing... .but someone posted that she would thank her inner child for being so strong and getting her to where she is today. It made me cry because its so true... .I dont know how the little me did it!

[Ziggiddy]

lm1109

Technical - to insert quotes, just go to the comment that the quote is in and on the top RH corner is the option 'Insert quote' function. That will bring the entire comment into your conversation box. Delete out the excess parts, ensuring you leave the initial command at the beginning of the quote (it will look something like this:

then ensure it is finished with the end quote command 

which will be at the bottom of the comment.

Anything inside those two lines will come up as a quote.

On the personal side that is a shocking sad story about your cat. No matter what happened it was an awful thing to say to you anyhow. Almost psychopathic. I am very very sorry for you to have gone through that awful experience

[Pingo]

I generally hang out in the 'leaving' board but I have been lurking here for a while, reading through posts, trying to make sense of my childhood & mother who may be BPD.  This is a lovely thread and has brought tears to my eyes reading through it.  I have been working on inner-child stuff, using John Bradshaw's books and also doing the 'Little me Big me' exercises from "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.  Both books have been invaluable.  Mostly I have discovered that 'Little Pingo' has been ignored for far too long and she is really untrusting.  She is also very, very frightened that I'm going to push her away again (along with all the feelings and pain) by numbing myself out or getting into another dysfunctional r/s.  I've had to give her a lot of reassurance.  And I've been making promises to her and am committed to keeping them.  I have also imagined how I would nurture and love her as I nurture and love my own children.  If I have a hard time imagining her when I'm doing these exercises, I imagine my S10 and what he would need in the given situation.  This helps me 'feel' the emotions.

I read this post the other day and it kind of bothered me that I just didnt "get it." I havent been in therapy for years and I have never given my inner child, any thought, to be honest. I'm a stuffer who shove things deep and trys to move on. An incredible thing happened to me just now. I was up in my sons room cleaning out some things in his closet. I started pulling things down from his high top shelf and there stuffed in the very very back was MY Teddy! I must have put him there almost 6 years ago. I knew I had him saved somewhere because i could never get rid of him, but I totally forgot he was up there. This post went through my head as I stared at my Teddy! I had this flood of emotions, and I remembered why this bear meant so much to me as a kid. It was my best friend in a family that ignored me as a small child. I had all these memories of me clinging onto him, crying into him(SO many times)... .I couldnt sleep without him, I kept him on my bed much longer than I probably should have... . I remember my mom hated him when I was little... she made fun of me for naming it "Teddy" (I got him when I was about 3) She hated that I HAD to take him everywhere because he was beat up and dirty! I moved out at 18 and made it a point to go get him out of the storage cubby I had him stored in as a teenager. She had a field day making fun of me for not being able to throw that "thing" away! For the first time in YEARS I just saw myself as a little kid and I almost broke down and then my one year old crawled over yanked Teddy out my hands and tried eating his nose!    I intoduced him to my kids. I guess this would be the first step in finding my inner child! I find it to be quite a coincidence that I found my bear after reading this post just a few days ago! Just thought Id share! 

lm1109, I had a similar experience recently, with all this inner work I pulled out a box I've kept in storage with pictures and momentos from my childhood.  In there was my 'Teddy'.  He's been packed away since I was a young teenager but I never wanted to get rid of him, there is still such an attachment there.  I pulled him out, he smelled all musty, but I slept with him that night... .and every night since!  It has brought me unexpected comfort and reminds me that it's okay to be kind and loving to that little girl inside me.  My S10 gets a real kick out of it as he has a Teddy also and we both curl up in my bed reading with our teddies!

Thank you so much for this thread, so healing!

[Sofie]

Most of all, I think my inner child would say, "Please, just allow me to be a child. Allow me to be silly, scared, unreasonable, messy, of poor judgement, unable to contain my feelings, playful and goofy. Don't expect me to reason like an adult, to control myself, to bottle up my feelings, to understand, to bear with you, to wait, to be "sensible" and brave." Allow me not to be who you would like me to be."

[weez2424]

What a great question.  I think my inner chid would say:

Please take better care of me. 

You're working too hard and not taking breaks, and spending too much time trying to please everyone. 

Don't forget about me. 

Give yourself and me a break. 

We get moody and frustrated and sometimes don't handle situations perfectly, and that's ok. 

Let me play.  Let me explore. Let me take risks without all the fear stuff.  Let me enjoy life again.

Take care of and protect me. 

If people cannot talk to you and treat you with love and respect, you do not need to take it. 

If someone is mad at you because you set a limit, do not feel guilty for setting limits.  That's not your fault.  You get to take care of you and me.   

[thereishope]

Most of all, I think my inner child would say, "Please, just allow me to be a child. Allow me to be silly, scared, unreasonable, messy, of poor judgement, unable to contain my feelings, playful and goofy. Don't expect me to reason like an adult, to control myself, to bottle up my feelings, to understand, to bear with you, to wait, to be "sensible" and brave." Allow me not to be who you would like me to be."

 

[ziniztar]

Most of all, I think my inner child would say, "Please, just allow me to be a child. Allow me to be silly, scared, unreasonable, messy, of poor judgement, unable to contain my feelings, playful and goofy. Don't expect me to reason like an adult, to control myself, to bottle up my feelings, to understand, to bear with you, to wait, to be "sensible" and brave." Allow me not to be who you would like me to be."

 

indeed, triple  

[pessim-optimist]

I've been reading this thread for a while now and all the wonderful posts in it, and thinking about my inner child.

What would little Pessi say? Now little Pessi really is an Opti, but has been discouraged by life.

In spite of the fact that I've been nurturing her for a while now, I didn't know what she would say. And there was a loong silence at first. My inner child wasn't frightened, just very sad and lonely, and I guess somewhat distrustful of the attention she was getting, because it never lasts.

Now, I think she would say: "Will you sit with me? Will you play with me, will you talk to me? Will you just be with me, pay attention and care, I've been so lonely and alone... .:'( "

"How have you been alone, little Pessi? Aren't I always with you?" Says I. "Well, you are me," says her, "Now you can take care of me, but when I was little, it was just me... ."