Trojan Horse Gifts

[Elephant222]

I thought I would post this here and see if I am the only one having this experience. My GF is not diagnoses BPD, but has a lot of symptoms. She has been feeling pretty angry lately (I think, as best I can read, never outright says) and I have been getting gifts that seem like they are intended to hurt.

The best example is that she sent me flowers to "congratulate me" on opening my business. But the flowers were the flowers that were in my bouquet of my wedding to my first wife and the flowers my first wife and I planted at the house we owned together. When I mentioned this and my confusion, she said, "Of course you are just like my mom. I send you beautiful flowers that I know you love and you find something wrong with them." And then she disappears for a week and blames it on this.

Am I paranoid?

[Skip]

I thought I would post this here and see if I am the only one having this experience. My GF is not diagnoses BPD, but has a lot of symptoms. She has been feeling pretty angry lately (I think, as best I can read, never outright says) and I have been getting gifts that seem like they are intended to hurt.

The best example is that she sent me flowers to "congratulate me" on opening my business. But the flowers were the flowers that were in my bouquet of my wedding to my first wife and the flowers my first wife and I planted at the house we owned together. When I mentioned this and my confusion, she said, "Of course you are just like my mom. I send you beautiful flowers that I know you love and you find something wrong with them." And then she disappears for a week and blames it on this.

Am I paranoid?

Did she know these flowers were in the bouquet and around the house?  Is it possible she thought you liked them?

[Elephant222]

Skip - she DEFINITELY knew. Not a question. 

[Skip]

So this was intended to send some type of message. She then had a strong emotional reaction to the criticism and went into hiding for a week. 

Has this been going on for a while? Are there other examples?

Are you paranoid?  Certainly not if she new this.  She may consciously or subconsciously like the drama (or be ingrained with this style).  Usually the best way to deal with games at this level is to ignore them - take away the payoff.

We have an article about drama on the site (Karpman Drama Triangles) and the basis of this concept is that some of us have learned or developed a style that creates drama. It's not about the situation necessarily, its a style.

Tell us a bit about the relationship - how long, living together, etc.

[LK]

So not to invalidate your feelings.  But consider:

Most florists use a fairly limited palette of flowers (roses, chrysanthemums, orchids, etc.). It would never occur to me that I need to avoid using lilies because they were used in your wife's wedding bouquet.  (That's like saying I'd never wear white or eat cake or drink champagne because you had those at your wedding.) I'd just pick whatever flowers looked pretty, affordable, and long-lasting.  Plus, if you planted the same flowers at your house, I too would figure that you must like them a whole lot and be baffled at your reaction.

Obviously the "warning signs" have a lot to do with your response.  But if a bouquet of flowers makes you this nervous, why not break up (politely) with this GF and go find yourself a new one?

[enlighten me]

Maybe she thought that you liked them but on realising she hurt you her reaction was defensive. Often pwBPD will attack rather than appologise. She may have thought that it was a very thoughtful gift. The fact that it brought back bad memories for you may never have crossed her mind.

Maybe by appologising and saying it was very thoughtful and she wasnt to know how those particular flowers had bad memories attached to them because of your ex you may smooth things over. If this was a one off then it was most likely a mistake. If there have been more of these incidents then it is probably something deeper. Maybe trying to hurt you or test you or even imitate your ex as she feels threatened by her.