had a conversation last night

[benny2]

I had a conversation last night with my uexBPDbf. He said he got really mad at himself a couple months ago when we broke up because he just can't seem to get his head together. I use to thing that was an excuse for not comitting to me, but now I am not sure. He said things are constantly scrambling around in his mind and sometimes he feels like he is losing his mind. We talked a bit about his overreacting to little things and jumping into things to suddenly. He totally agreed with me on that. I asked him if he was afraid of women leaving him or afraid to be alone and he completely denied that. I most definately have seen this because he hates it when I go anywhere, even now that we are not offically together. He hates sleeping alone and one time out of the blue when we were planning to move in together he texted me and said promise me you will never leave me no matter what, so I know the fears are there. Could it be he is just not aware of it? He asked me last night what is wrong with him, but I did not feel it was a good thing for me to tell him what I think it is. He is a textbook case from what I have read. Are the abandoment fears worse during a time of stress? I have noticed he seems a bit more comfortable right now being alone. After I moved out and his ex moved to a different state, he was asking me to come over every night. Now its just once or twice a week. We have been fighting and NC for the last 2 months because I just can't take his ever changing mind about me. One day he is asking me to move back in, and the next telling me we should take our time. I agree taking our time is much healthier and I'm really not sure I will ever move back in with him, but the fact that he keeps changing his mind about things bothers me most. I know its part of the disorder but I can't help but think theres someone else in his life.

[real lady]

Are the abandoment fears worse during a time of stress?

I think that it is a catch 22... .  abandonment fears CREATE stress as well as stressful times in other areas may TRIGGER abandonment issues, as well as our behavior which is becoming healthier (detached) more each day... .  

One day he is asking me to move back in, and the next telling me we should take our time. I agree taking our time is much healthier and I'm really not sure I will ever move back in with him, but the fact that he keeps changing his mind about things bothers me most.

  A lot of drama and he seems to be somewhat aware of HIS part of it but seems to be wanting to "guilt you" (maybe ?) into moving back in with him because he is "unstable" and "lonely"... .  WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS? Is there ANY empathy for YOU and the turmoil of moving out and his constant "changing his mind" upon YOUR life? Probably NOT. They may NOT be empathetic or compassionate about WHAT WE GO THROUGH FOR THEM as long as THEY get what "they think they need". They need counseling. Have you suggested this to him? I have realized that I CANNOT CURE, I DID NOT cause and I cannot control the behavior of my uBPDso... .  but I CAN control myself and say NO to the things that I no longer want in my life. My uBPDso will "just have to deal with that".

I know its part of the disorder but I can't help but think theres someone else in his life.

You know, that is VERY possible with pwBPD... .  but the question is WHAT DO YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOU? 

[benny2]

I have suggested therapy. I told him this is to much for him to deal with on his own, but he said he has tried therapy and it has'nt worked. I am quit sure he did not tell them everything, like his relationship issues. He thinks he just has anger issues. I don't think he sees the big picture here, or just does'nt want to. I doubt very much he will seek help mainly because his insurance is through the va and he would have to travel an hour to see a therapist. He hates traveling 1 mile let alone 70.

[patientandclear]

He asked you what you think is wrong with him.  You have a lot of information.  I think not foisting BPD or other theories of what is wrong on our partners is almost always right, but to me, it's different if he is actually asking you.

What about telling him you've checked out some of the patterns and it seems like this has something to do with unstable attachment, that there seem to be several concepts that connect that might be involved, and that there appear to be effective treatments for attachment issues like this.  And mention DBT.  And leave it there for him to check out DBT, which may or may not ever lead him to get diagnosed or accept a diagnosis.

Is he an abuse or trauma survivor?  If so, offering up complex PTSD rather than BPD might be a little more gentle entry into most of the same concepts, too (C-PTSD, not the same as PTSD).

[gina louise]

diane22121 ,

hi, I am sorry you have to struggle with this.

My HUSBAND and I are divorcing and the last time we met face to face he described his mind as "a bee hive full of angry bees buzzing" and he even said that's what his thoughts seemed like. I felt so bad for him. that was the clearest description he's ever given of his mental state... .  and how difficult it is to navigate for him. He seemed very distracted and anxious. yet still happy to see me and relieved I was not angry with him.

he's gone back n forth, hot n cold, up n down and that's what bothers him the most.(and me) He claims to be living a great life and having a great time being nearly single again-but he's admittedly not. it's not going as he planned it.

I believe he expected to have "moved on" and got a new gf by now.

I had suggested therapy as he felt damaged and reacted with anger and extreme emotion at any r/s problems and

seemed to have a grudge against women in general. I tried to make my suggestion very broad-and not PD-ish.

I called it trouble with attachment, and that seemed to make sense to him. He said in every major r/s-there's been 4-he's seen a shrink and needed therapy.

he recently began renewed contact with me-and saw a "shrink" last week as well. The therapy is at his own doing.

I hope my HUSBAND gets the continued help he needs. it may end up as two visits-he gets some validation-lies to the guy and he's done! who knows? it may be too little too late.

I told you all that and my back story to let you know-sometimes they DO see the dysfunction and they do seek help on their own.

GL

[benny2]

He seems to think he only has anger issues steming from his childhood. His father was very mean to him or so he says. When I mention any of his other issues, relationship ect., he gets angry and says what issues. Those seem to be the other persons fault except he is willing to go half way wih ours and call it 50/50. I sopose I could try the PTSD. Does it have simular traits?

[patientandclear]

Complex PTSD does involve similar behaviors/attachment challenges (not regular PTSD) but doesn't seem like there are experiences that would explain why you are talking about that. Another disorder that would play out similarly in relationships is reactive attachment disorder (RAD). Both RAD & C-PTSD are suggestions my Ts have made about my ex as alternatives to BPD, which they seem to associate w/low functioning behaviors like cutting & suicide threats.

But I guess I'd suggest mentioning attachment disorders generally, not go further on specific diagnoses, but mentioning DBT in particular as a therapeutic approach that helps people learn to deal w/ sudden painful emotions without taking destructive actions that end up hurting the person more than they help.  If he does research on DBT he might ot might not get interested in BPD, but that may not be necessary for him to feel the therapy matches what he experiences & would be useful.