Broke up- long distance relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello:

I have been reading these boards for a while and tried to make sense of my long distance relationship.

Our relationship began almost last year around this time. I knew him from

high school. We declared he always liked me but never had the confidence to approach me. We were in different continents. He came on very strong which was a red flag to me. I asked some of my mutual friends about him. They told me he suffered from

combat PTSD and his mom pointed out "he wasn't over

it yet" (combat 20 years ago)

We are in our 40s. I continued texting and phone calls and let the relationship slowly develop on my side. He always initiated contact. And when he wanted to move

fast I slowed things down. He never got married, I am recently divorced with 2 kids.

So I had an opportunity to go visit my hometown where he lives. We had great 5 days. No sex (i didn't want to get involved fast). Just went on long dates, held hands, kissed. Very romantic. He admitted he fell in love. We both thought we lost 25 years away from

each other. There were red flags. He picked a fight about one of my boyfriends in high school. I explained that was long time ago. He picked fight on another day about me shutting down when he raised his voice. That I was too fragile (btw he also told me

that I am very dominant and he has to watch everything he says). Then I would not escalate things... Most rages happened right before 6-7 hr dates. Then he would call

and apologize and say it was because he was nervous about separating.

Other times were perfect. Too good to be true. Which I thought was weird. At this age relationships should maybe not feel this perfect and puppy love. But I decided I had no major reason to doubt him. So let the relationship continue. I also caught

small unnecessary lies... .

2 months more of long distance and the we went ton vacation. He felt aloof and cold. He drank so much on the day I was supposed to be there. Told

me it made him nervous to not be able to touch me for 25 years... But sex

felt "detached". Very good but not making love kind of way.

No cuddling afterwards. He also said he wasn't a romantic

man and started distancing... .I felt something was off... .

Like he was withdrawing. Then he said "i dont know

what to do with you. You are the one person I value the most but I don't know if I can tell

other people about us. You are divorced with 2 kids". I was like What the heck and I seriously started doubting him too... .We both became cold.

On our last night I told myself this man who acted like the opposite of my ex husband (who was a very calm and detached man) was also a

detached man. Once I also distanced myself he asked what was wrong. I told him

his words didn't match his actions and he had intimacy issues. Not

in text but in real life. He said if he had a penny each time he heard that he would be a millionnaire. He said I dont want to hide myself

from you anymore. This is who I am. I am not a romantic

man but I value you... .We had a good conversation. Very calm. First time I felt his walls were down. He said he is like this to everyone.

His family, his friends. But that I was the one that he shares the most with... .That he felt he could be open with me... .

The rest of the 2 days were OK... .

Then I flew back. He still kept in touch but I felt a

distance. I let it be. He usually called me each day

right at 10:00 am. He started not calling... .When i asked he said he was tired and working hard. Gave him space... .

15 days past. Only texting... .Previous loving words etc gone... .

One day I decided this wasn't what I signed up for. Figured he

might have a mental illness (my undergrad is in psychology). that i wasn't a man fixer. I needed to be loved and cared for.

So very lovingly I told him I adored him. And was glad to have had this relationship with him. And ended the relationship. We talked the next day to say goodbye. But couldn't do it. We said let's give it another chance. But then he didn't text me I didn't text him. 2 weeks later he sent a text to check in. I was upset that he didn't contact me for 2 weeks and I didn't reply for 2-3 days... .I was debating No Contact... This was march 15 or so. Then I texted him

around April 1st. Just to ask how he was. He kind of mentioned he was in the city of the ex girlfriend and brushed me off. With my bruised

ego I decided to walk away again. He texted on my bday. April

15. Was very kind, used a pet name.

I thanked him kindly... .That is it. In the past week he liked

a photo of me and my kids on fb. No communication.

I am telling myself to stay away. I feel like this will be a very tough relationship that will

hurt me. But I also feel like we had good potential. I miss his friendship... His funny side... .But I am suspecting he is back to someone and will turn a cold shoulder if I contact him.

He was never shy to contact me and pursue me relentlessly... .So if he is not contacting then he is probably not that into me anymore... .It has been 15 years since I fell in love... .So this hurts... Please advise... .

[Dolphin123]

Hello:

I have been reading these boards for a while and tried to make sense of my long distance relationship.

Our relationship began almost last year around this time. I knew him from

high school. We declared he always liked me but never had the confidence to approach me. We were in different continents. He came on very strong which was a red flag to me. I asked some of my mutual friends about him. They told me he suffered from

combat PTSD and his mom pointed out "he wasn't over

it yet" (combat 20 years ago)

We are in our 40s. I continued texting and phone calls and let the relationship slowly develop on my side. He always initiated contact. And when he wanted to move

fast I slowed things down. He never got married, I am recently divorced with 2 kids.

So I had an opportunity to go visit my hometown where he lives. We had great 5 days. No sex (i didn't want to get involved fast). Just went on long dates, held hands, kissed. Very romantic. He admitted he fell in love. We both thought we lost 25 years away from

each other. There were red flags. He picked a fight about one of my boyfriends in high school. I explained that was long time ago. He picked fight on another day about me shutting down when he raised his voice. That I was too fragile (btw he also told me

that I am very dominant and he has to watch everything he says). Then I would not escalate things... Most rages happened right before 6-7 hr dates. Then he would call

and apologize and say it was because he was nervous about separating.

Other times were perfect. Too good to be true. Which I thought was weird. At this age relationships should maybe not feel this perfect and puppy love. But I decided I had no major reason to doubt him. So let the relationship continue. I also caught

small unnecessary lies... .

2 months more of long distance and the we went ton vacation. He felt aloof and cold. He drank so much on the day I was supposed to be there. Told

me it made him nervous to not be able to touch me for 25 years... But sex

felt "detached". Very good but not making love kind of way.

No cuddling afterwards. He also said he wasn't a romantic

man and started distancing... .I felt something was off... .

Like he was withdrawing. Then he said "i dont know

what to do with you. You are the one person I value the most but I don't know if I can tell

other people about us. You are divorced with 2 kids". I was like What the heck and I seriously started doubting him too... .We both became cold.

On our last night I told myself this man who acted like the opposite of my ex husband (who was a very calm and detached man) was also a

detached man. Once I also distanced myself he asked what was wrong. I told him

his words didn't match his actions and he had intimacy issues. Not

in text but in real life. He said if he had a penny each time he heard that he would be a millionnaire. He said I dont want to hide myself

from you anymore. This is who I am. I am not a romantic

man but I value you... .We had a good conversation. Very calm. First time I felt his walls were down. He said he is like this to everyone.

His family, his friends. But that I was the one that he shares the most with... .That he felt he could be open with me... .

The rest of the 2 days were OK... .

Then I flew back. He still kept in touch but I felt a

distance. I let it be. He usually called me each day

right at 10:00 am. He started not calling... .When i asked he said he was tired and working hard. Gave him space... .

15 days past. Only texting... .Previous loving words etc gone... .

One day I decided this wasn't what I signed up for. Figured he

might have a mental illness (my undergrad is in psychology). that i wasn't a man fixer. I needed to be loved and cared for.

So very lovingly I told him I adored him. And was glad to have had this relationship with him. And ended the relationship. We talked the next day to say goodbye. But couldn't do it. We said let's give it another chance. But then he didn't text me I didn't text him. 2 weeks later he sent a text to check in. I was upset that he didn't contact me for 2 weeks and I didn't reply for 2-3 days... .I was debating No Contact... This was march 15 or so. Then I texted him

around April 1st. Just to ask how he was. He kind of mentioned he was in the city of the ex girlfriend and brushed me off. With my bruised

ego I decided to walk away again. He texted on my bday. April

15. Was very kind, used a pet name.

I thanked him kindly... .That is it. In the past week he liked

a photo of me and my kids on fb. No communication.

I am telling myself to stay away. I feel like this will be a very tough relationship that will

hurt me. But I also feel like we had good potential. I miss his friendship... His funny side... .But I am suspecting he is back to someone and will turn a cold shoulder if I contact him.

He was never shy to contact me and pursue me relentlessly... .So if he is not contacting then he is probably not that into me anymore... .It has been 15 years since I fell in love... .So this hurts... Please advise... .

[once removed]

hi Dolphin123 and

im glad you made your first post! its a big step in ones recovery to reach out for support, and thats what we are here to offer 

from what i gather in your post, it sounds like you had a gut feeling about this person from the beginning, and you maintained your boundaries; i suspect that this shielded you emotionally in many ways, which helps, but i could say the same about myself, and i came out pretty far from unscathed. these relationships are volatile, highly charged, and uniquely challenging to recover from. the slow burn out, but not total absence of contact must hurt, and may leave you feeling a lack of closure, or even wondering when the next shoe will drop. i think youre handling it well 

hows your support system outside of us? do you have friends and family you can lean on? have you considered seeing a therapist?

it helps to talk. dont hesitate to ask us any questions you might have, and once again

[Dolphin123]

Thank you once removed... .

Yes, I do have a very good support system. I have very long term friendships. All the way from middle school. Went to middle+high+college with 2 of my best friends. One of them is staying with me after my divorce to help with my kids.

I have been also seeing a therapist for the past year. Her comment on this relationship is that I set good boundaries and got out of it before the relationship was fully developed.

But I still feel disappointed and I miss our friendship, connection. I also know he wasn't capable of a healthy relationship like I want at this point in my life.

Do I check my phone each day to see if he reached out yes... .Do I feel like I was disposable, yes... .Do I feel like I was manipulated with a false

self even though unconsciusly, yes... .So I would like to wake up one day and not think about this relationship... .I value human connections a lot and it has been years since I cut off contact with a person. Woman or man... .So although I tell myself "no!" when I want to reach out, I also have lingering feelings... .But these boards help. I read the staying board, the recycling, the idealization (i left right at the end tail of idealization I think)... .I read what people go through and know for sure I cannot go into a relationship with a BPD with 2 young kids... .It requires huge commitment and unconditional love. At this point I need a supportive man or no man. My kids need me... .Still my feelings linger and I am heartbroken I think... .

Thank you for your reply... .Cyber hugs...

[Grey Kitty]

  Sounds tough. I'm glad you have a solid support network.

I've got one other observation about this guy and the long distance relationship.

He's obviously got very limited capacity for intimacy. I think the *best* he can do is a long distance relationship which keeps  that distance. The more you see him, the worse he's going to deal with it, unless he makes some major (and difficult and slow and unlikely) changes.

[Dolphin123]

  thank you Grey Kitty. I totally agree with you. His words during our communication was over the top. Calling each day, talking about how we will be together, texting kisses before sleep. But in real life he would hold hands but slept on the opposite side of the bed. He didn't even hug for 30 seconds after sex even though he had been texting me how much he missed me and was looking forward to seeing me after 8 weeks being apart. It was really weird. His words didn't match his actions at all... .

And he was very silent about his past relationships when I asked about it. I think almost 90% was in different cities. He said they last about 2 years but I cannot see how any woman who wants to connect can be with him in a long term relationship.

This is aside from making mountains out is mole hills... .teasing in a sarcastic way (he said because he liked to make me angry)... .Overly jealous... .

Overall yes 90% of the interaction was good, but that 10% BPD stuff was really really strange. Finally I told him it was the best time of our relationship. The first few

months... .Why are we fighting?

I mean isn't it? even relationships which are bliss the first 2-3 years become

very hard eventually... .

I don't know. I am very clear about this in my mind... .But I miss the dream man he projected I guess. Although I saw red flags I thought maybe someone can love me this much. And maybe he did in his on capacity and felt engulfed... .who knows... .At the end of the day, the dream man was an illusion and the real man is a good person with a mental illness who is not getting treatment... .Love can be a blood sport at times, I wish it wasn't.

[Grey Kitty]

I mean isn't it? even relationships which are bliss the first 2-3 years become

very hard eventually... .

Yes, challenges come up eventually, no matter what. But abusive behavior, silent treatment, and rejection doesn't have to.  :'(

Ugh.

You mention being recently divorced. Were there other ways this guy was similar to your ex?

[Dolphin123]

You mention being recently divorced. Were there other ways this guy was similar to your ex?

Actually other than being "emotionally detached" and playing video games, love of TV in excess not many similarities. My ex husband was a very calm man. And not jealous at all... .Almost emotionless at times. So that's why xBPDbf behavior seemed very odd to me... .

He almost seemed to fit everything I was looking for at first. Very emotionally available, pursuing me relentlessly, expressing his love early on (which seemed very odd)... .It took 8-9 months for my ex husnband to tell me he loved me... .There was definetely lack of "emotional intimacy" in my marriage though. So even though the behaviors and reasons behind behaviors are different for each man in my life, the outcome was the same.

I am trying to figure out why I attract these types and being attracted to them.  "The emotionally unavailable"... .But both my ex husband and ex BPD bf presented themselves like the opposite. I have a bubbly, extravert personality. I am definitely attracted to cool, calm types. I talk a lot and like man who talk less... .I guess I see them as a mystery. I've been telling my friends I need to date a clown now i never dated happy go getters... .Talking a lot about these "selective criteria" with my counselor. I think I need to date different types of men now. For  now, I am seriously considering not dating for a year to heal though... .I want to know myself and my own issues... .

[Grey Kitty]

One kinda harsh truth is that if you have a pattern of picking emotionally unavailable men, there is probably a reason, and probably one having to do with you and your own reasons and issues that make limited emotional availability somehow "safe" for you.

It doesn't matter how much you dislike it when you find out that is what you've got--you still "picked" it somehow for your own reasons.

Heck, I did it myself--my first foray into "dating" was a week-long relationship with somebody I met on tinder... .we had an amazing connection on the phone and by text for several days, but were unable to meet in person at first. (A bit too much physical distance for a weekday lunch or coffee date including travel time, so we were put off 'till the weekend.)

Anyhow, what was odd was that she *seemed* very emotionally available and willing to connect and open with me... .until we met, then it kinda became clear that she was going to run away at least emotionally if not physically. (She dumped me the next day after a ~hour coffee date that she cut short for an apparently valid reason outside her control.) I decided that she had an amazing ability to appear (at first) to be very available before she ran away. After more thought, it was more a matter of poor boundaries--open up, let me in, freak out, run away, rinse, lather, repeat.

Whatever... .it is over... .was a LOT of fun for a couple days. Was a disappointment for a few days. I'm over it, but not really diving back in to dating due to other obligations and activities today.

Taking some time to sort this out before you dive back in sounds like a really good idea. Of course once you start getting somewhere you may need to start dating again to see how much more you still have to figure out. 

[Dolphin123]

Grey Kitty... .There are reasons that I am dwelling on for picking "emotionally unavailable" men. Actually I had a 17 year old marriage so who knows what I "pick" anymore. This was my 1st relationship after my divorce. Lasted 3-4 months... .

But like you said he "seemed" very available. I even mentioned to him that what he felt was probably infatuation and he got upset. Long distance makes things harder though. Texts were fine, but most of personality disorders are felt intuitively anyway.

I also think about my reasons to like someone like this although I ended the relationship.

I do have sexual abuse in my past. Unfortunately by a 2ndary family member. I had therapy and I feel fine. And most of my counselors don't pay much attention to it. They say I overcame it well, though there will be unconcious triggers from my emotional and sexual past they say it is not something I should worry about.

Back when I was in college years ago, one of my professors warned me about "abusive

relationships". She knew about the abuse and said "people who are abused are at high risk to find an abusive partner". Very good advice... .Still to this day, I cannot let go of even small bad behavior. I am a forgiving person but cannot really let myself be OK with verbal or any other form of abuse. As a child I didn't have the maturity to protect myself, but now even my heart says otherwise I cannot go into a potentially high risk abusive relationship.

My other theory is the "rescuer" in me. I rescue animals, I help the unfortunate and find satisfaction in that. My Mom was similar. My Dad was also not an easy man. Very good

father but a stubborn, opinionated, know it all men. My mom was good at "fixing"

him. (Which my dad admits to). So maybe the fixer/rescuer in me is attracted to wounded souls. With this BPDbf I knew about his combat PTSD past. And he also has a chronic illness. But these things weren't that important to me. I feel like we are here on earth to heal and help each other. But he obviously didn't want help... .

Looking also at my 17 year old marriage I totally agree with you. After my next failed relationship I am sure I will find more "growth" areas... .

Thanks again for your support!