Beaten Myself up

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am beaten myself up again today I was doing well for a couple days but I am hurting myself again

I keep ruminating on her words and no not the special lovely ones

She told me i wasn't romantic enough yes at time i fell into the norm of the relationship

She bought the books Act like a lady think like a man and Straight talk no chasers as well as Fifty Shades of grey

she complained that we didn't have romantic dates we only had outings

we went to the movies a lot and our life was mundane a lot work picking up the kids but i always was watching shows for her and i did surprise her with special presents and i send her texts telling her i miss her and i love her

I took her to a five star restaurant and surprised her at work with coffee and coffee cakes she loves Starbucks

in the beginning i wrote her songs and all kinds of things. she read these books and started testing me. If i didn't run to hug her or kiss her shed wait to see if i did and when i did its after she complain. there are many times i held her hand and she would say no i don't like to hold hands over the table at restaurants.

I am just hurting right now i feel i could of done more romance like many knows she has a new guy and he is doing things she always wished for. it just hurts maybe if i was more romantic i could've been there for her

[freshlySane]

I am beaten myself up again today I was doing well for a couple days but I am hurting myself again

I keep ruminating on her words and no not the special lovely ones

She told me i wasn't romantic enough yes at time i fell into the norm of the relationship

She bought the books Act like a lady think like a man and Straight talk no chasers as well as Fifty Shades of grey

she complained that we didn't have romantic dates we only had outings

we went to the movies a lot and our life was mundane a lot work picking up the kids but i always was watching shows for her and i did surprise her with special presents and i send her texts telling her i miss her and i love her

I took her to a five star restaurant and surprised her at work with coffee and coffee cakes she loves Starbucks

in the beginning i wrote her songs and all kinds of things. she read these books and started testing me. If i didn't run to hug her or kiss her shed wait to see if i did and when i did its after she complain. there are many times i held her hand and she would say no i don't like to hold hands over the table at restaurants.

I am just hurting right now i feel i could of done more romance like many knows she has a new guy and he is doing things she always wished for. it just hurts maybe if i was more romantic i could've been there for her

[Rose Tiger]

Grabbed this from another post:

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Imagine walking into your backyard one day and discovering a deep hole in the ground--so deep you can't see the bottom.  The hole looks dark and menacing.  You really, really don't like this hole in your yard.  You decide the answer is to fill it up. 

So, you go into your garage and see an old bike.  You think, I used to like this old bike, but I don't mind losing it if it takes care of that hole.  So you throw your bike into the hole, where it vanishes without a trace.  But the hole is still there.  So, you go get all of your old favorite books from the house, and toss them in too.  They disappear, but the hole remains.  Soon, your DVD collection, computer games, musical instruments, and all the "frivolous" things in your house go down that hole, but nothing helps, the hole is as deep as ever.  Increasingly distressed, you can start to toss more important things down the hole too.  Work tools, money, foods, and, eventually, friends and family members, all vanish down that hole.

Eventually, all you have is an empty, lonely house with a big hole still in the back yard.

The day you decide to stop trying to fill that hole with important things from your life is the day you have decided to start taking care of yourself.   

My point is that giving up your hobbies, passions, work and relationships will not "change" your partner or fill the emotional hole in them. You really, really can't "make" them be happy or whole or anything else. 

[freshlySane]

Grabbed this from another post:

=================================================

Imagine walking into your backyard one day and discovering a deep hole in the ground--so deep you can't see the bottom.  The hole looks dark and menacing.  You really, really don't like this hole in your yard.  You decide the answer is to fill it up. 

So, you go into your garage and see an old bike.  You think, I used to like this old bike, but I don't mind losing it if it takes care of that hole.  So you throw your bike into the hole, where it vanishes without a trace.  But the hole is still there.  So, you go get all of your old favorite books from the house, and toss them in too.  They disappear, but the hole remains.  Soon, your DVD collection, computer games, musical instruments, and all the "frivolous" things in your house go down that hole, but nothing helps, the hole is as deep as ever.  Increasingly distressed, you can start to toss more important things down the hole too.  Work tools, money, foods, and, eventually, friends and family members, all vanish down that hole.

Eventually, all you have is an empty, lonely house with a big hole still in the back yard.

The day you decide to stop trying to fill that hole with important things from your life is the day you have decided to start taking care of yourself.   

My point is that giving up your hobbies, passions, work and relationships will not "change" your partner or fill the emotional hole in them. You really, really can't "make" them be happy or whole or anything else. 

I love this post and your right but i question if she even has BPD at times... i mean she fits the bill she suffers from PTSD but more of the criteria for BPD she fits the bill. but i felt like she was trying to love me and i didnt see it/. If i had just done the things for her with out her asking maybe she could have seen i do love her. I hate this i hate feeling this way. I know she holds things in and it builds and then she explodes when we have an argument and later im left apologizing. I let her into my life and i ran around trying to make a life for her and us isn't that love isn't that romance loving someone soo much you try to give them the world. i know its stupid but im beating myself up for not being perfect. Im just lost again

[Rose Tiger]

I had to read this article over and over as I kept falling down rabbit holes.

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

Especially #3. 

[freshlySane]

that definitely made me feel a little better but it just still feels like i messed up. What is real romance what it real love in a healthy way?

[Rose Tiger]

 

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

[cal644]

We all have those days - of what could I have done better.  Honestly I asked myself that question all the time - but we need to remember it is never enough.  Also, ask yourself what did they do for us?  Did they do the things for us that they were craving?  The answer is most likely no, only in the beginning, or never.  Remember that - we give soo much and receive soo little.

[jdcthunder14]

I go the same thing from mine... .  so I don't think it is all that uncommon. Remember they need to blame us for EVERYTHING to let themselvs off the hook.

I caught mine cheating on me, and I worked my ass off for her. I took on 80% of the  lifes load so that she could do school work, or whenever she didn't feel well etc... So as we were breaking up I bought her some flowers and she had the nerve to ask why I hadn't done that more often, as if the reason she was cheating on me was because I didn't do enough for her. The endless hole in the backyard is a perfect example of this point... .  it wouldn't matter what you or I did, or how often, it would never be enough to stop her thoughts and fears that I was going to leave her.  

Speaking for myself... .  mine hide a very significant amount of herself from me. She didn't really fully share her thoughts or feelings until after. And then it was hardly constructive, all it was was blame that I was the problem. Big point here... .  it isn't your fault.

[real lady]

((Freshly Sane)) I am sorry to hear that you have had some hard days of ruminating and hurting over the relationship... .  LOVE ((Rose Tigers)) posts... .  thank you so much hon.

I have asked myself this question over and over... .  

IF it were a NORMAL and HEALTHY situation would:

1) my seemingly totally disrespectful statement said to spark conversation really end up in a fight and me being wrong about EVERYTHING?

2) would his ONLY argument be that I "interrupt him constantly" and PROVE my lack of respect for him because I am saying something that he is NOT saying? 

or more pertinent to YOUR case... .  

Would it REALLY BE THE WORSE THING IN THE WORLD for me NOT to run up to him with praises and kisses and JUST treat him lovingly and respectfully as I WOULD LIKE him/her to?

A NORMAL AND HEALTHY person would ask "I miss your attention, I love it when you "do this or that"... .  is there some reason why I am seeing it less and less, is there anything that I have done or not done that has changed your feelings toward me"? ... .  

that's right. THEY WILL NEVER ask us this... .  but they will demand their attention and their "right" (narcissist?) to every moment of our time, etc... .  NO RECIPROCITY... .  (it sucks)... .  

 Hope you are doing better now... .  KEEP LOOKING FORWARD... .  looking back causes accidents... .  ... .  

[trevjim]

mine always said I was never romantic yet looking back I did so much romantic stuff, she said to me once she wants relationship like in the movies because that's what she saw in her friends relationships

[freshlySane]

mine always said I was never romantic yet looking back I did so much romantic stuff, she said to me once she wants relationship like in the movies because that's what she saw in her friends relationships

wow the more i read the more i see my relationship mirrored back she said the same exact thing she want movie love. I feel imo that movie love is real when you work hard at realistic love Her favorite movie was The Notebook she wants a Noah I feel i was Noah but a real Noah with love and commitment and flaws and all. I dont like perfect people or perfect pictures i love flaws i love reality I may not like a persons flaws but i love them for having them. A real person is one who accepts what they get if what they get is real and rewarding.

[freshlySane]

((Freshly Sane)) I am sorry to hear that you have had some hard days of ruminating and hurting over the relationship... .  LOVE ((Rose Tigers)) posts... .  thank you so much hon!

I have asked myself this question over and over... .  

IF it were a NORMAL and HEALTHY situation would:

1) my seemingly totally disrespectful statement said to spark conversation really end up in a fight and me being wrong about EVERYTHING?

2) would his ONLY argument be that I "interrupt him constantly" and PROVE my lack of respect for him because I am saying something that he is NOT saying? 

or more pertinent to YOUR case... .  

Would it REALLY BE THE WORSE THING IN THE WORLD for me NOT to run up to him with praises and kisses and JUST treat him lovingly and respectfully as I WOULD LIKE him/her to?

A NORMAL AND HEALTHY person would ask "I miss your attention, I love it when you "do this or that"... .  is there some reason why I am seeing it less and less, is there anything that I have done or not done that has changed your feelings toward me"? ... .  

that's right. THEY WILL NEVER ask us this... .  but they will demand their attention and their "right" (narcissist?) to every moment of our time, etc... .  NO RECIPROCITY... .  (it sucks)... .  

 Hope you are doing better now... .  KEEP LOOKING FORWARD... .  looking back causes accidents... .  ... .  

thank you she always said i interrupted her as well im seeing this is all defenses

[seeking balance]

Freshly Sane,

I remember questioning everything that I did too... .  I really put a lot of blame on myself and I was determined to fix it all.

Ultimately, one person does not make or does not destroy a relationship... .  it takes 2.  Rose Tiger is right, if either person has a hole in them - it is up to them to figure it out, fill it up and then clearly communicate the needs. 

Real Lady also gives good advice on how functional relatinships work.

BPD or not, anyone who constantly blames the other person for the problems is not exactly emotionally mature.

I know it is hard grieving the loss of these relationships, they push all our core buttons.  Do you know when you have felt this core "not enough" feeling before?

Peace,

SB