Why so much hatred

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Can anyone explain to me why a person who you have spent 19 years with has so much hatred and resentment when they turn you black.  I honestly don't know who my wife (soon to be ex) is anymore.

[cal644]

Can anyone explain to me why a person who you have spent 19 years with has so much hatred and resentment when they turn you black.  I honestly don't know who my wife (soon to be ex) is anymore.

[freshlySane]

Anyone will tell you they don't view things as we do and that's the truth and its hard to rationalize a person with a personality disorder. It keeps us lingering. Today i am beaten myself up again ruminating on all the things wondering if i did mess up. but remember this isn't a regular relationship and the quicker you realize this the quicker you can get over them it is a long journey but its worth it for a piece of mind and that's all we all hope for piece of mind and a mended heart

[cal644]

I have my good days and then bad days.  I have requested LC and I try to ignore most of her texts or phone calls.  Then out of the blue I get emails ranting and raving how horrible I am.  It leaves me scratching my head - you wanted me out of your life - I'm giving you plenty of space and not contacting you at all - and then out of the blue (BAM!) - you send these horrible texts - is it to purposely ruin my day.  Since I've found this sight and done a ton of research I am in a much better place of understanding what is going on.  I'm trying not to take anything personally - but the hatred and resentment - cuts deep.

[freshlySane]

I have my good days and then bad days.  I have requested LC and I try to ignore most of her texts or phone calls.  Then out of the blue I get emails ranting and raving how horrible I am.  It leaves me scratching my head - you wanted me out of your life - I'm giving you plenty of space and not contacting you at all - and then out of the blue (BAM!) - you send these horrible texts - is it to purposely ruin my day.  Since I've found this sight and done a ton of research I am in a much better place of understanding what is going on.  I'm trying not to take anything personally - but the hatred and resentment - cuts deep.

It does any form of hatred and resentment would cause anyone to feel broken or hurt, but like my family tell me your letting her win. My ex paints me black and has a restraining order on me but on her twitter she blast about how happy she is in her new job and with her new boyfriend. She knows id check to see hows she is doing everyone in my life tells me that she wants to rub it in my face like "you treated me like ___ and look at me now". and i believe every Tweet every word as much as i want to believe its fabrication and it hurts but i remember the nights i took her kids to her family for the weekend and come home to nothing no calls text or even video chat. how id text her i love her for her to text another man i love you. How i gave her employment and for her to throw it my face that she didn't need my minimum wage when she had no job and was living in a shelter how i wasn't romantic when i ran around trying to live for her and do things for her. Im not perfect i made a lot of mistakes in the r/s but i cant let her make me feel burnt or hurt by her spitefullness

[Rose Tiger]

No matter who left who, they see it as abandonment and it's painful.  They take their own shame and project it onto you.  Resentment has been building during the entire relationship, they keep it well hidden.  It's a disordered way of grieving.  It's the emotional maturity of a three year old type of grieving.  While there might be a bit of truth here and there, it a bunch of nonsense.  She can't see any of your good qualities right now, when you are black, you are 100% black.  Hang in there.  Think about a two year old and when they say, I hate you Mommy, they mean it.  Same deal.

[freshlySane]

Rosetiger is right a healthy relationship has communication think was the communication a a lot on your part and when they did communicate their feelings was it a lot of your not doing things that make them happy.  Sometimes when they communicate they dont blame but they make themshelves the victim and when you dont reciprocate the way they want you too they regress back inside resenting loathing. your not a mind reader.

[cal644]

That's one of the interesting things - she never communicated to me what she wanted.  But when I filed - then it was I hated going out with our friends, I hated doing things at church, I hated grocery shopping with you, I hated this I hated that.  I was like what the hell - never once have you told me you didn't like those things (which I don't beleive she hated the majority of what she was projecting).  It was like she was grasping at straws for anything that we did together that she all of a sudden hated for the last 19 years.

[freshlySane]

its funny you post that i had those episodes many times.

She left her ex girlfriend and went back to me someone called ACS and she had to move into a shelter she had to go on public assistance and had to work the job presented to her. I lost an employee to another region. She told me the job was $9 an hour 40 hours a week but it was for six months and no guarantee that it would be permanent.

I offered come work for me i cant give you $9 hour or 40 hours but it will be consistent and ill train you so you can work in another store. immediately when i said that she said "oh you want to get rid of me already" i brushed the comment off. All i asked her was when you get a real job please just help me 2 days a week so i can train someone new so i don't have to work three months straight no coverage.

she said fine.

in the start it was wonderful we watch movies on my laptop and i didn't do real work till she had to leave. she complain i need to feel like i matter at work. I was training her on products and the register so she can graps that and move on to the techincal work. she told me she wanted to help me so i gave her tasks to do. When i complained about work mind you i work 60 hrs 5 day weeks 12 hr shifts from 9 to 9 she got to leave at 3 everyday never have to work weekends and got 30 hrs paid even though she didnt work 30 hrs.

we got in a fight I hate the job i hate how you complain i hate going there everyday. she complained when she didnt get 30 some weeks 25 27 28 because of budget cuts. Me working hard i worked unpaid to try to keep her at 30 hrs.if she was sick or had to take care of the kids she got paid. She got paid one week never had to show up at work. but when i gaveher keys and she had to open for me so i can sleep in she complaind i treated her as a relief and the job was only supposed to be for 2 days a week and how she came in more days to help me. they hold things in and rage when they explode

when i was fired for poor numbers she broke up with me told me about her new man and tweeted online how happy she was to have new management. Two days later a customer was rude to her the new manager didnt defend her she cursed him out and quit.

[cal644]

One of the things that my wife said that probably shook me the most was when I was first trying to reconsile.  I asked her why she didn't want to work on things and her reply was because she was scared of me... .  My reply was - have I ever once raised a hand to you?  Have I ever once yelled at you?  It shook me because I am not that type of person at all... .  after finding out about BPD - I realize maybe when she said that - she was scared of me - scared that I would leave her or abandon her - I don't know.  But there was no violence or yelling on my part in all the 19 years of marriage.  It left me scratching my head - why are you scared of me.

[BentNotBroken]

Their fear, pain, and hatred have nothing to do with reality. Those emotions are just products of their disordered minds. I once remarked that everything I did seemed to "hurt" my BPDex in some way. Her complaints about everything hurting her indicated to me that she was having a mental illness issue and needed counseling. She laughed in my face, and just told me I was abusive and I never did anything good for her. ?

As the hater phase developed full steam, it went from I never did anything good for her to EVERYTHING I did was an attempt to harm her, steal from her, take advantage of her, manipulate her, etc. She started fabricating an entire false narrative to explain our 15+ years together. She was nearly a saint, and I was the evil, selfish, whiny freeloader that never contributed, never cared, actively sabotaged her education and career, physically and emotionally abused her, etc.

Years of working for her business for less than minimum wage, while my time was billed out at $100/hr, all of the proceeds being deposited in the business account as she transferred thousands into her personal account to cover her bounced checks & shopping sprees every month. She went on a shredding spree to destroy evidence a month or so after she demanded I move out. At the time I thought it was bizarre behavior and it was only later that I realized she was intentionally destroying evidence and not just "stressed out and cleaning things up".

The emotions and the thinking are disordered due to BPD, but they are capable of using their intelligence and warped reasoning to do serious damage to the object of their fury. I think the playwright, William Congreve, who came up with the phrase, "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned," had experience with a BPD, long before BPD had a name.

[cal644]

No lie about the hater comming on like a steam train... .  It has come on so fast and furious ... .  I truly don't know who my wife is anymore... .  the fabrications and lies she has told... .  convincing her councilor and herself that I was this controlling, abusive, alcoholic, who has had all these affairs.  How all I'm out to do is screw her over and make sure everyone hates her ... .  how I'm spreading all these lies about her ... .  The good part is ... .  anyone who truly knows me realizes that this is all lies ... .  they realize that she does have something wrong with her... .