When will the withdrawl subside?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was with my exBPD short term (5 months).  Now looking back, I ignored the red flags.  I guess the euphoric feeling of being with someone that makes you feel like you're on cloud 9 and showers you with attention can make anybody (or a codependent like myself) throw caution to the wind. I wasn't in the best place in my life (in between careers and no idea what was next) and he seemed to be accepting of that along with my other "faults" and looking back, that's what I loved. I felt safe, protected and accepted.  It was intense and I craved him like a drug.  Within a week he went from bringing me flowers, spending every night at my house, making plans to move closer, to vulgar name calling, picking fights, passive aggressive messages, silent treatments and physically tackling me to the ground during an angry episode. I had dated someone with NPD before so it wasn't my first rodeo when it came to being love bombed and then suddenly devalued. I wasn't going to be devalued and discarded like trash again.  I ended things and I believe it sent him in a downward spiral. I wasn't in the best place either. I was crushed for sure. We communicated a little for the next few days but it wasn't pretty. I was searching for closure (explain the "whys" and apologize for any hurt feelings etc.) but he wasn't going to allow that.  After some name calling and finger pointing, we reached a civil place in our communication, I expressed I felt like he needed to go to a Dr and get on medication and stop the self harming/alcohol/drug abuse. I thought we had finally obtained said closure, then an hour later he messages me that he's going to a rehab/Psychiatric facility because he tried killing himself.   His messages were very vague, didn't make a lot of sense and he would go hours in between reply's. I felt like it was all BS but I was still very concerned about his mental state.  Later that night he went on a vulgar verbal assault after I caught him lying about going to treatment earlier that day and after I would not tell him where I was. He called me the "c" word a few times, said he was about to have sex with another women (the language was a lot more colorful) and proceeded to throw my insecurities back in my face. He was sending vulgar messages all night and into the early morning. To top it off, he sent pics of him engaging in sexual acts with other women. He broke me to say the very least. I reached out to his friend so he could check on him as I was still very concerned about his mental state. He gave me a little background info on my ex and said he has a history of hiding bad behavior and has always crossed boundaries, but it's never gotten this bad.  I started seeing a therapist and that's when he said it sounds like my ex could be suffering from BPD.  When I started researching it, I was amazed at how everything lined up and made sense. The idealizing, the fear of abandonment, the need to find validation (from other women) outside of our relationship, the splitting, devaluing, suicide attempts/threats etc. Everything. We broke up a month ago and I cried, actually wailed everyday for 3 weeks.  The pain was something I have never felt before, even when I've experienced the death of a loved one. His friend touched base to tell me my ex reached out to me to apologize (I never got it because I blocked him) and my ex is actually getting help. I got back on the dating site we met on and I saw him back on it a few days ago.  It hurt to see him but I blocked him. I still crave him to reach out to me. It was a short term relationship, we ended it a month ago, it ended traumatically and he's still on my mind CONSTANTLY. I believe it when I read a breakup with someone who suffers from BPD can feel like you're going through withdrawals from a hard drug.  I guess I can't wrap my brain around why. After the rollercoaster ride of love, abuse and devalue why aren't I more like "good riddance"?  I'm still having a hard time focusing on getting my life in order because of this.  I've been very very close to reaching out to him to see if he's in a better place but I stop myself because I'm not completely over it and could easlily get sucked back in, even after all of the beyond disrespectful things he did and said. I guess my question is, when will this feeling subside?

[Heavy_Heart22]

I was with my exBPD short term (5 months).  Now looking back, I ignored the red flags.  I guess the euphoric feeling of being with someone that makes you feel like you're on cloud 9 and showers you with attention can make anybody (or a codependent like myself) throw caution to the wind. I wasn't in the best place in my life (in between careers and no idea what was next) and he seemed to be accepting of that along with my other "faults" and looking back, that's what I loved. I felt safe, protected and accepted.  It was intense and I craved him like a drug.  Within a week he went from bringing me flowers, spending every night at my house, making plans to move closer, to vulgar name calling, picking fights, passive aggressive messages, silent treatments and physically tackling me to the ground during an angry episode. I had dated someone with NPD before so it wasn't my first rodeo when it came to being love bombed and then suddenly devalued. I wasn't going to be devalued and discarded like trash again.  I ended things and I believe it sent him in a downward spiral. I wasn't in the best place either. I was crushed for sure. We communicated a little for the next few days but it wasn't pretty. I was searching for closure (explain the "whys" and apologize for any hurt feelings etc.) but he wasn't going to allow that.  After some name calling and finger pointing, we reached a civil place in our communication, I expressed I felt like he needed to go to a Dr and get on medication and stop the self harming/alcohol/drug abuse. I thought we had finally obtained said closure, then an hour later he messages me that he's going to a rehab/Psychiatric facility because he tried killing himself.   His messages were very vague, didn't make a lot of sense and he would go hours in between reply's. I felt like it was all BS but I was still very concerned about his mental state.  Later that night he went on a vulgar verbal assault after I caught him lying about going to treatment earlier that day and after I would not tell him where I was. He called me the "c" word a few times, said he was about to have sex with another women (the language was a lot more colorful) and proceeded to throw my insecurities back in my face. He was sending vulgar messages all night and into the early morning. To top it off, he sent pics of him engaging in sexual acts with other women. He broke me to say the very least. I reached out to his friend so he could check on him as I was still very concerned about his mental state. He gave me a little background info on my ex and said he has a history of hiding bad behavior and has always crossed boundaries, but it's never gotten this bad.  I started seeing a therapist and that's when he said it sounds like my ex could be suffering from BPD.  When I started researching it, I was amazed at how everything lined up and made sense. The idealizing, the fear of abandonment, the need to find validation (from other women) outside of our relationship, the splitting, devaluing, suicide attempts/threats etc. Everything. We broke up a month ago and I cried, actually wailed everyday for 3 weeks.  The pain was something I have never felt before, even when I've experienced the death of a loved one. His friend touched base to tell me my ex reached out to me to apologize (I never got it because I blocked him) and my ex is actually getting help. I got back on the dating site we met on and I saw him back on it a few days ago.  It hurt to see him but I blocked him. I still crave him to reach out to me. It was a short term relationship, we ended it a month ago, it ended traumatically and he's still on my mind CONSTANTLY. I believe it when I read a breakup with someone who suffers from BPD can feel like you're going through withdrawals from a hard drug.  I guess I can't wrap my brain around why. After the rollercoaster ride of love, abuse and devalue why aren't I more like "good riddance"?  I'm still having a hard time focusing on getting my life in order because of this.  I've been very very close to reaching out to him to see if he's in a better place but I stop myself because I'm not completely over it and could easlily get sucked back in, even after all of the beyond disrespectful things he did and said. I guess my question is, when will this feeling subside?

[LexiG]

Hi! I am going through a VERY similar situation with a short term exwBPD (though our break up wasn't as dramatic, he just stopped talking to me completely). I also had an ex with NPD and thought I would deal with this better after all that. But to be honest, I am remembering the pain of being recycled by my NPD ex when I feel like reaching out to my now exwBPD. You don't have to give into your history of being abused by people just because it is what you're used to. If you have access to therapy, I would highly suggest talking to someone who can help you realize why you get into these cycles with people and how you can develop better coping mechanisms to break them. I still cry almost everyday over my ex, but it has become less and I don't feel the need to check their social media or look at old photos anymore in these moments. I just let myself feel it and then try to call a friend or family member or go for a long walk to work through it/distract myself from my VERY strong craving to reach out because I just MISS him after how great we started, but I also remember that the person I fell hard for is not there right now, and likely never was because it was all a side effect of his BPD. But it does get easier! And you can private message me if you ever feel the need to!

[LaRonge]

I sympathize a lot, it can feel as though they occupy your mind constantly after a breakup like this. Breaking up with someone with a personality disorder does something to your brain—I think the breakups and behaviors violate something ingrained in our minds, and we're unable to make sense of it all on an emotional level. After I was dumped a few months ago after a drunken rage, and blamed for it all, I told my therapist that "my brain is broken" and that I didn't have the framework to get beyond this. She said the framework might be "realizing, with growing shock, the things you had to do in order to stay with her." That's sort of true, but really, the best things were: Filling my life with as much good as possible, planning for the future so I had things to look forward to, learning as much as possible about BPD (finding this site has been something of a miracle), and, frankly, time. About a month after the breakup I started feeling somewhat better; the constant pain subsided. A few weeks later, I started to feel sort of optimistic. I was meeting new people, focusing on work, and rediscovering things I enjoyed. Now I'm about 9 weeks out, and while I still think about her a ton and still find myself angry about what happened, it's not so agonizing. There are more moments, and longer moments, when I'm not thinking of her. So if you're a month out, I would say just focus on the horizon. In two weeks you'll be better than now, in a month you'll be even better, a month later... on and on. I also try to imagine how good it would feel to be with someone stable and who can actually take care of my emotional needs, and me theirs, and that gives me a sense of calm. (Although dating other people probably won't help right now.) Good luck and keeping moving forward.