Does a previous recycle make another more likely?

[pipefitter]

I posted this topic on the staying board because right now where I’m at emotionally I would more than likely go back. At the same time my rational brain says no. There’s a lot of conflict
 

I’m curious as to the answer. Because I have read both online. A previous recycle makes a 2nd attempt less likely because of baggage but I also saw that because they did it once and it worked, they will attempt it again. Im wondering what everyone else’s experience is here?


we are in the middle of b/u and split #2. This time not as dramatic and drawn out. More sudden and she seems much firmer on not getting back together. It’s been over a week no contact which is a record. . This is due to her blocking me on everything. Her behaviors definitely escalated the 2nd time around, mostly due to me allowing it by codependency and fear of her splitting again. . I don’t know what to think, but I’m trying to do the work to keep myself mentally healthy.

[Pook075]

In general, previous recycles makes future recycles more likely...but to get a better picture of your situation, you need to look at the other relationships in that person's life that have been recycled as well (parents, family, other ex's, etc). 

Additionally, the circumstances also play a huge factor- how much you adjust your communication techniques, if your ex considers therapy, etc.  If you guys do the same thing then it's probably going to produce the same result.

[pipefitter]

Ya, other relationships are a hard indicator because of how bad they were. I did some fact finding on them and they are all actually genuinely messed up people. She does seem to have a habit of recycling family when they’re “needed”

I’m working with a T to help me stop my care taking and codependent behavior. The hardest obstacle would be getting her into serious treatment. She hasnt never admitted to having bpd despite knowing “something is wrong”. Her family told me about her diagnosis

[Pook075]

Ya, other relationships are a hard indicator because of how bad they were. I did some fact finding on them and they are all actually genuinely messed up people. She does seem to have a habit of recycling family when they’re “needed”

I’m working with a T to help me stop my care taking and codependent behavior. The hardest obstacle would be getting her into serious treatment. She hasnt never admitted to having bpd despite knowing “something is wrong”. Her family told me about her diagnosis

Other relationships are a great indicator- because it's the pattern itself, not whether the previous people were great or horrible.  Maybe some of them are super messed up...why'd she have a relationship with them then?  Something must have been off for that to happen, some skewed judgement.

My wife and oldest daughter have BPD.  With my kid in particular, she'd be close with the biggest losers and defend them over and over and over again, until they betrayed her out of nowhere.  She'd be so shocked and hurt, but those people would literally do that to everyone in their life.  My kid just couldn't see it...she saw what she wanted...and it put her in some very bad situations that led to heartbreak.

[pipefitter]

Fair point fair point. I’m not sure if she tried to recycle with them at any point. When she broke it off with me the first time she told me “she never dated someone twice”. Well, we did end up dating twice. She never said she never tried, she said she has never done it. One of those half truths from a pwbpd
 

One of her ex’s was/is dangerous. He’s in prison for threatening to murder the other mother of his child and his other child. Her other ex was and currently is in the midst of drug addiction and permeThose are the 2 fathers of her children. It adds a little bit of an extraneous factor on whether or not a recycle was feasible with them. But with others close in her life it seems they are recycle when they serve a purpose to her.

[ForeverDad]

Have YOU changed?  (Based on past history, likely your ex hasn't changed, right?  Promises to change but not really?)

The way to stop the repeating recycles is for you to change - and learn from history.

Do you have a personal counselor?  Hearing an objective perspective is better than your subjective one.  Remote peer support helps but in-person help is also beneficial.

Understand the Borderline dynamic.  The person can claim to be behaving better but it might only be because of the distance apart and not any real insight for the better.  Why?  BPD is a disorder most impacting of close relationships.  When you're not close then you may hope he's improved but the reduced discord quite likely is only due to the distance apart.  Real and lasting change takes a lot of time, even years, and huge effort.  He can't just attend a few sessions and claim he's all better.  He would have to accept therapy and diligently apply it in his life and perceptions.  That's not an overnight change.  If fact, if you'd ask most here we would admit most of us never saw meaningful improvement.  Not saying he can't or won't do it but to succeed takes guts, determination and a lot of time.