Hi Claudialondon,
Thanks for reminding me that the lies are coming. My step daughter is also suspected BPD. She also just had a baby (#2) a year ago. I keep telling my husband that lies about us are coming next and he says "don't be paranoid."
The problem is my mother is also BPD'd and I know that is what happens next. It's like watching a movie...I keep thinking I've already seen this movie!
Regarding your son. You have almost perfectly described what happened in my mother and father's marriage, when they were young. She complained about not getting enough help from his family (MIL specifically), her husband took her side, and they moved half way across the country. My Mom has pretty much isolated my Dad from having friends most of his life. But, there was a silver lining, they had 6 kids and we are all very close to my Dad. Mom may have had the where with all to keep him from other male bonding scenarios, but I have never met anyone so close to their Dad as my three brothers. I am also very close to my Dad (I am also the physically closest to them now and we see him often).
I think before thinking this will all be gloom and doom, remember that borderlines can be very charming. While my Mom started fights with most close family members (I can remember my grandmother, my Dad's mom, being cut off for about 3 years), they Fear abandonment most. Almost always, they will reconcile with those people. I think if anything, putting your own hurt aside and thinking about your grandkids, would be most helpful.
In my own personal experience, that is who suffers the most.
I remember talking to my grandmother before she passed and bringing up my Mom's abuse. Literally, she had no memory of it (or pretended not to remember). Time will heal all wounds, but because borderline mothers are so unpredictable, remember to always give the grandkids that extra support, cause they really need it.
My grandmother used to sneak over even when "disowned" and hug me and tell me I was a good girl, my Mom never knew this. Those where extremely powerful moments, that I recalled when having bad times later, in college.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but you sound like a strong person with clarity, and I know you'll figure out how to navigate it. It's just that you are currently in shock and mourning the loss of a DIL you wish you'd had.
b