Male BPD types?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Has anyone here read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother? The author describes four types of female borderlines: Queens, Witches, Waifs, and Hermits.

This may sound odd, but has anyone who read this book come across any male waifs/hermits? I am trying to figure out if my ex-boyfriend had BPD. He carried a lot of the traits, but wasn't very angry or rageful until the very end. He was more gloomy/needy/isolated/vampiric.

Has anyone else come across this strain of BPD in a guy they've been with or known?

Thanks!

[Violetta]

Has anyone here read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother? The author describes four types of female borderlines: Queens, Witches, Waifs, and Hermits.

This may sound odd, but has anyone who read this book come across any male waifs/hermits? I am trying to figure out if my ex-boyfriend had BPD. He carried a lot of the traits, but wasn't very angry or rageful until the very end. He was more gloomy/needy/isolated/vampiric.

Has anyone else come across this strain of BPD in a guy they've been with or known?

Thanks!

[pianolady]

Hey there,

what do ya want to know... .? Lots of us here know these traits in our ex male BPD's.

Hugs... here to help

Piano

[Violetta]

I guess I just need some confirmation that there is a type of BPD male that does more of the victim and self-pity thing, than the raging.

I'd been with an abusive man before meeting this guy, so I thought I knew what to look out for. I had ended that relationship relatively soon. There's a certain image that abusive men kind of have, of raging and controlling, and power trips, etc.

This guy acted totally different, and it took me four years to realize he was being abusive--and that was after the lesson of what to look out for. His mistreatment was exceptionally subtle, and revolved around playing the maryr and guilt-tripping me, acting innocent and needy and sad. He actually didn't treat me well at all, but somehow made me feel so bad for even gently criticizing, that I put up with it for years.

It seemed that as he became more aware that I'd stay in his life, his behavior changed, after a couple years, to a real a--hole. This is where the more classic verbal abuse started, but he'd still play the victim if I stood up for myself or tried to leave.

At the end of the relationship, he was an alcoholic, and suicidally depressed. He raged at me a lot--lots of shouting and storming out of the room, putting me in double-binds, and what I now realize were lies designed to make me feel like the abusive one.

After we broke up, I continued to be friends with him for a year, but then finally went NC in January of '07, after he viciously mocked a book I'd written. He even tried to pass that off as a joke, but I'd got some distance and perspective, and I'd had enough.

Over the course of this past year, when I thought about him, I'd come to the conclusion that he was mildly autistic... .he had some of the signs, especially social problems and an extremely self-absorbed focus, without actually seeming like a narcissist. But now I've learned about BPD, as my mom has it; and I've been rereading my old diaries from that relationship. The things he does fit the BPD profile to a "t", and many of his mental states reflect BPD symptoms.

So I guess I was wondering if there was a type of BPD man who actually didn't rage or act bats--t crazy, more of a slow erosion of your will to live through victimization and guilt, that maybe later degenerated into rage when you were breaking up. I know I can't diagnose people myself, but if I knew that there was such a thing as a more "undermining" kind of abusive man, it would sure shed some light on my experience.

Hope I haven't offended anyone with my words. These things are hard to describe. Thanks!

[Micki]

I haven't formally heard of them; but I've lived through one, & I definitely know they exist! "Queens, Witches, Waifs & Hermits", eh? My ex was a classic witch. Guess that makes him a warlock :D

[Bitzee]

Violetta,

Some BPD's 'act in' rather than 'acting out'.  I think this is what you don't understand.  High functioning BPD's tend to act out, blame others, and are in complete denial of their disorder.  While lower functioning BPD's tend to realize 'something' is wrong with them and are more prone to turn their anger inward upon themselves.  It sounds as if your ex was more this type.

There is also 'silent' raging.  Yes, abuse can take exceedingly subtle forms.  I think that is the worst kind.  My ex was a master of it.  I get very dismayed when I read those lists of abusive behaviors on web-sites;  they only describe such blatant behaviors... .when subtle forms of abuse are the most cutting and insidious kind.

I never saw my ex go into what I would call a classic rage.  Never saw him rant and rave.  But he could tear me to pieces and blindside me... .sometimes saying things, not cruel in themselves, but malevolent in their timing.  Things you could never make anyone outside the situation understand.  Things he could do to me right in front of other people without them ever catching on.  The more subtle the abuse... .the harder it is to put your finger on, the harder it is to validate, the more crazy making it is.

-B

[pianolady]

Hi There,

You all describe my ex perfectly. His abuse was subtle, manipulative and silent. He was also VERY high functioning and very intelligent which makes me 110% confident he was cognitive of what he was doing.

My ex was "masterful" in the careless things he would say.Also in how careless he treated me. You are correct this type of behavious is very diificult to describe to others.

My ex was a "waif" and "hermit" he used it as a specific tool to get him all the attention he could want.usually ended up with me feeling guilty. Thats still an emotion I feel.


Hugs and I am sorry you have had to deal with this Violetta

Piano

[elphaba]

Doucheboy (the only name I use for him anymore) would swing between each of the descriptions... .he was mostly hermit/waif -needy/isolated/gloomy... .which was probably why I thought he was "safe"... .I too had come from a prior abusive relationship and I guess I accepted that if I wasn't being hit... .it was still better.  I was wrong.  Once he snooped reading my oldest daughters diary and it had said how upset she was that I had settled, that just because DB didn't hit me didn't mean things were good... .she hated to see me like that and I couldn't even see it myself until it was too late.

His sadness turned to rage turned to dispair turned to entitlement, I literally never knew who I would be coming home to.  This shy sensitive guy that had idolized me and followed me around like a little puppy dog... .turned into a rabid, wild attack dog.

There hasn't been alot written on the male borderline, which frankly is really sad because I think there are alot more of them out there than anyone really knows.

Sorry you had to come across one... .sorry for all of us who did - No matter what form they take, the abuse is there, subtle or clear cut it is still abuse.

The more subtle the abuse... .the harder it is to put your finger on, the harder it is to validate, the more crazy making it is.

Well put Bitzee... .very well put.

[Reneehsv]

My exbf was low functioning. He did rage at me, but he was more prone to take things out on himself later because he'd feel such self hatred afterward. I've seen him put a cigarette out on his arm without a flinch when I wanted him to leave.  Back then, I didn't realize the abandonment issues they have.

[Violetta]

Good lord, I didn't realize this was so common. I'm sorry you all went through these things! It literally did not ocur to me until yesterday to wonder if this dud was borderline, and I met him in '01. My mother is a high-functioning, acting-out Witch (yeah, fun, I know), so the more subtle forms of abuse completely slipped under my radar--until I was in the same sorry shape that I'd been in with the "bad" boyfriend, and couldn't figure out why! And he was only too willing to help me blame myself.

His main form of abuse was to absolutely block any form of honesty in the relationship by adopting a "poor pitiful me, ___ed up again" attitude whenever I brought any relationship issue to the table, even kindly. It got to where I didn't feel like I could tell him anything that bothered me. Meanwhile he'd do whatever he wanted, or nothing, if that's what he felt like. And I was too terrorized to leave for so long, because he acted like it would destroy him. He played on my kindness for years, and when I finally found out what he was doing, I got angry. And he treated me like my anger was abuse of him--calling me "mentally ill" and accusing me of stabbing him in the back. He knew all about my mom, and should have known how those words would hurt me. Or maybe he did.

Since a year of not talking to him, and really thinking about what went on, I actually think in some ways he was worse than the sociopath I got involved with as a 20-year-old. At least that guy was pretty upfront, and I never had to physically restrain him from jumping out of a fourth-story window.   

[Bitzee]

Oh yeah, you definitely had a BPD on your hands.

And they don't 'adopt' the poor pitiful me routine, it's quite for real.  It's all about them, they are like children.  If they have hurt you, they are much more concerned with the fact that they are worthless, and bad, and they screwed up again than they are with your pain.  It's all about them and their shame.

-B

[Reneehsv]

I never had to physically restrain him from jumping out of a fourth-story window.   

Yeah, my ex tried to jump out of my car more than once. While it was MOVING mind you! And he once jumped into oncoming traffic when he saw my car coming down the road (after he got mad and stormed off on foot). He also took 2 weeks worth of antidepressants at one time in front of my son and myself because my son had crawled into bed w/ me. I came home one day and his face was bruised where he'd hit himself. he'd been an ass the night before and hated himself for it.

I was always trying to "take care of him" and help him when everybody else kept saying he's a grown man for Gods sake... if he wants to kill himself, he will but he doesn't he only wants your attention. Hell he had my complete attention 98% of everyday. I couldn't help that I had to work.

[pianolady]

In the last few days of our relationship I remember the feelings of being on the verge of emotional and physical collapse because I truly felt sucked dry.I even expressed to him about this cycle of angst and reassurance it seemed we were in. I was always picking him up, dusting him down, boosting him up and feeling absolutely guilty because i felt responsible. 

Out of the FOG i see exactly what it was.

But one of the most abusive and painful memories I have ( I dream about it too still) is that when he was verbally careless or something happened that hurt me and we were speaking on the phone, he would put the phone down on me and revert to txt when I discovered that i was talking to air.he refused to communicate.

I ended up feeling so guilty about the fact that he "poor waif"could not deal with my response, which were calm and really meausred and small really. I mean how difficult is it to take an expression like " this hurt my feelings?"

It really was one of the most abusive behaviour manipulations.

Thanks for this thread

Hugs

Piano xxx

[Violetta]

Why didn't I see this before?  :

Thank you so, so much everyone. My memory of that relationship was very confusing! It's hard to believe that "little old him" was a Borderline--my understanding of that is skewed by the more, um, "colorful" BPD's I've known. I will have to examine this further, as it is making sense now. I keep remembering things he did and said (not all mean) that play right into this. Wow. I know I'm not a doctor, and I can't diagnose anyone. But man, even knowing it was possible he had it turns on so many lights of understanding in my mind!

This has been hurting and puzzling me for almost seven years. It made a big dent in my life. It's amazing that the answer was under my nose the whole time. I love this board.

If anyone has anything to share about how men like this acted towards them, types of abuse they used, etc. I would really be helped to hear them. Meanwhile I will look at more of the old posts.

Thanks again! 

[Reneehsv]

Piano,

It's a horrible way to live isn't it? Walking on eggshells all the time is bad enough. He was from England. I'd talk to his mom (IMHO she's his problem) and she'd say please take care of him for me... .he's all I've got) so I felt guilty and on guard even moreso. I didn't want to have to send him home in a bodybag yet I knew logically that if he wanted to hurt himself, he would. I tried to always pick him up and encourage him. But like you, I got to the point I was too physically and mentally exhausted to keep my own self going and that's when I realized it was hopeless. I mean here was a guy who had cut his own face out of self hatred, yet could be so mean and insulting and say things that cut me to the core. Then had such a child like quality that was so sweet and seemed to "need" me so much. I'm still not over it but I hope I get to that place like you, and can see it for what it truly was.

[Cindy]

Violetta,

I was so intrigued with your post because I have been dealing with a similar situation.  What you said about "self-pitying" could describe my soon to be Ex perfectly.  When I first met him, he had a lot of self-blame.  He had lost a 50.00 bill once and was almost literally beating himself up over it.  Now, he doesn't seem to blame himself for ANYTHING, but instead blames me for EVERYTHING.

Although a lot of his personality quirks can be explained by habit and his family traits, there is something so evil about the way he has eroded away at my self-esteem.  Actually not just self-esteem, but who I actually am that I am really starting to examine everything to see what was real and what wasn't.

He has always played the victim... .and yet has been just under the surface angry and controlling.  VERY CONTROLLING.  He used to come across to others as the most "easy to get along with guy" and yet he is probably the most stubborn person I have every met.  Contradictions - Right?

I posted something a while back that got very little response probably because most of the posts seem to deal with out and out rages and obvious abuse.  The underlying abuse is so hard to spot, but you know it when you live with it.  I just don't know why I didn't figure it out sooner and get out of this marriage.  I had been in a marriage before to a homosexual narcissist.  I figured out he was gay after a while so that is why we divorced.  I just didn't realize the abuse (throwing around furniture) until later.  When I married my current husband -STBX, I guess I saw him as opposite, but no he is much worse.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76608.0

I looked at myself as a frog in the boiling pot who inadvertently climbed out one day and said "Hey wait just a darn minute here."  I started taking control of my own life again... .and then all hell broke lose.

Cindy

[Reneehsv]

My ex would one day be so full of self blame and hate, yet the next day everything was my fault, or my kids fault, or my mothers fault, on and on and on. I always thought he could only take so much guilt until he had to put the blame on others? It was almost like two people yet he says he is always aware of whats going on but it's like a light switch turning off and/or on and he can't control it? I can't understand it.

I never knew what to expect each day driving home from work.

[pianolady]

Dear All,

This is a great conversation and one that I have waited for so thanks.

There is something deeply insidous and dark about this silent form of abuse, this abuse by manipulation and guilt. Silent but deadly is certainly true.

it is so hard to spot and creeps up on you like a slow dripping tap. I mean if someone hits you over th head with a chair you know because you:

1. feel it

2 see it

Very often we did not see it or feel it. Just the horrific confusion and exhaustion of not knowing what we were really dealing with.

I am also wondering if our "acceptance" is hampered by this. We are stll questioning our fault, our parts,blaming ourseleves because of the hidden insideousness. Vagueness gives rise to anyone finishing the story. How very borderline.

Hugs

Piano xxx

[schwing]

Hi Violetta,

I'm sorry you've been hurt by people with BPD.  But I'm glad you're seeing past the F.O.G. that these relationships tend to put us in.  My understanding of this disorder is that someone with BPD can exhibit behaviors for any of the archetypes (waif/witch/hermit/queen) and which behaviors they predominantly exhibits towards us tell us more about who we are (the nonBPD) than about who they are.  I believe they are capable of exhibiting any of those behaviors but will not act out in a manner that drives us away (they are also exceeding good are reading people -- they are practically psychic).  So if waif behavior keeps us willing to stay out of Guilt, they will be waifs.  But if the Fear caused by witch behavior doesn't drive us away or scares us into staying, then they will be witch-like when they can.  Or if the charms of a queen is sufficient to convince us that it is our Obligation to stay, their wiles will be irresistible.

If you consider that they do not really have a fixed identity, this idea might make more sense.  I still don't quite get this completely, but my understanding is that they don't have a true identity.  Maybe if you could mount a hidden camera on them while they roamed about in the wild, you might see that depending upon who they interacted with, their very personality shifts to accommodate their company.  And depending on who their non is at the moment, you might not recognize the person.

NonBPDs that are still in F.O.G. tend to want to believe that the "true persona" of the BPD is the personality they assumed during the honeymoon phase of the relationship.  As far as I can see, the difficult of letting go that assumed personae, or accepting that that person never existed, is one of the most difficult parts of recovering from a BPD relationship.

Hope this helps,

Schwing

[Bitzee]

Renee,

Borderlines are either the best or the worst.  Black or white.  They do go into their grandiose mode where they can do no wrong and are Entitled to do whatever they darn well please... .that's the narcissistic component.  And it does seem to counter-balance the self-loathing.  They split.

They live in a black and white world.  No grey, not for them or anyone else.  Black/white, best/worst, idealize/devalue, etc.

-B

[Violetta]

Schwing--

Your point is insightful, I never looked at it that way. I do see now that his change of tactics over the years from mainly hermit/waif, to witch/waif, reflected a change in me as well.

In the first years, he was isolated and appeared humble, and grateful to be with me. Very Hermit-like, with only two or three small anger outbursts in a year and a half. Then he slowly became a bit of a competitive ∂ƒ∫∆˚, when my accomplishments began to equal his. Frankly, by the end of the relationship, I was physically ill and financially dependent on him (neither his doing, it was a separate situation). But he took cruel advantage of my dependence, and that was when he became witchy and rageful--when I couldn't get away.

That's what I never forgot or forgave--he knew my situation, he offered me a place to rest and heal from my illness, as a friend; and when I made the arrangements and got there, he was a monster. Instead of being able to focus on my shaky health, I had to be on suicide watch for him 24/7, and keep him from drinking himself to death, and I got shouted at and blamed for his depression. I had even spoken to him before I got there, told him that I could not "be there" for him right then, because I was too weak. He assured me that everything would be fine, and I kind of even felt bad for suspecting it wouldn't be!   

I felt like a battery that was absolutely flatlined, and that he expected me to just recharge myself so that he could drain me again. He became so blatant about it. Snarling, self-pitying, snarky, self-destructive. So obviously trying to sabotage any crumb of happiness I managed to create for myself, and drag me down with him. Ruining everything on purpose, beating the sht out of himself when I drew any kind of line, crying and refusing to get off the floor. Remember, I was trying to heal from a serious illness at the time, and he knew it, and used his guilt about his selfishness to beat himself up more--and justify lashing out even harder.

I know why he was freaking out. He was out of his league professionally, and it was dawning on him that he wasn't in control of his life. And I even felt guilty about that--that instead of supporting him in his dreams, I'd pushed him too far! I'd been selfish, and it was my just desserts to have to deal with his meltdown!  :P

Borderline. I'm scared to even think that might have been his deal. After all these years, being treated like a whore and a battery, not even like a person, and I still want to protect him from my bad opinion. They need a projectile-vomit icon.

Thanks for letting me rant. In a way, I'd rather have the other kind of abuser. I feel like such a fool here. I think I'd rather have someone put me down, than try to drag me down. I feel no guilt about the first one.

[Bitzee]

Borderlines are kind of famous for behaving as you have described when their SO is ill.

Though your anger is entirely understandable, I sense a bitterness that might be eased by your gaining an understanding of his disorder.  They do what they do in order to survive, they don't know any other way.  When you understand the dynamics of the disorder, it allows you to take things less personally... .knowing that they would have done the same to anyone.

At least for me, that understanding was essential to letting it all go.

-B

[Violetta]

Hi Bitzee--

Let me explain my rant a bit. It wasn't anger or bitterness so much as irony. My mother has borderline personality disorder, and I've been doing research on it since last May--which was four months after going NC with this ex-boyfriend/friend. 

I'm not angry at him anymore, I've had a while to deal with that... .I was kind of dealing with it throughout the last year of our long-distance friendship. I'm furious to look at past events with him in a new light, but the anger doesn't last, as those things haven't been going on for years.  Really, I feel a sense of relief that a mystery's being solved--WTH his problem was, anyway, because I wondered about it a lot while we were dating.  There was something wrong, but I couldn't explain it, and so I stayed. Nowadays I wouldn't do that, but live and learn!

I came to a lot of conclusions during the end of the relationship, which was why NC was an easy decision to make after his last little meanness. My conclusions had less to do with what was wrong with him, and more to do with me just thinking I deserved better friends. I had to take on faith that it was alright to leave, even though I couldn't understand what was going on--a holdover from my relationship with my BPD mom, needing to be sure before I made any move. I left my friendship with him, on faith that something was wrong, and a year and a half later, I finally discover what it was!

I'm more just face-palming that after a year of looking at BPD in my mom, I didn't even think to apply it to his past behaviors. That there was still a residual desire to protect him from negative opinions, that kept the idea from even occurring to me.

No, if there's anything positive to say about the relationship, it's that I'm out of it, and it doesn't really affect me anymore at all. This discovery has, though. Wow! I feel sorry for the woman he's with now. I know her, and they're going to have a fun ride. :P

Thanks for everyone's help. I know it'll have to remain just a suspicion that he has this illness, because I probably won't ever see him again (he lives across the country from me). But there's a weird comfort in finally discovering the truth... .even a sad one.

[Themis]

Schwing--

Your point is insightful, I never looked at it that way. I do see now that his change of tactics over the years from mainly hermit/waif, to witch/waif, reflected a change in me as well.

In the first years, he was isolated and appeared humble, and grateful to be with me. Very Hermit-like, with only two or three small anger outbursts in a year and a half. Then he slowly became a bit of a competitive ∂ƒ∫∆˚, when my accomplishments began to equal his. Frankly, by the end of the relationship, I was physically ill and financially dependent on him (neither his doing, it was a separate situation). But he took cruel advantage of my dependence, and that was when he became witchy and rageful--when I couldn't get away.

That's what I never forgot or forgave--he knew my situation, he offered me a place to rest and heal from my illness, as a friend; and when I made the arrangements and got there, he was a monster. Instead of being able to focus on my shaky health, I had to be on suicide watch for him 24/7, and keep him from drinking himself to death, and I got shouted at and blamed for his depression. I had even spoken to him before I got there, told him that I could not "be there" for him right then, because I was too weak. He assured me that everything would be fine, and I kind of even felt bad for suspecting it wouldn't be!   

I know this is an old thread, but hoping someone will still see this. The description is very helpful to me.

The way you described your man. Mine is certainly no waif. He always worked, was angry, and not really prone to being sad.

However at the start of the relationship when things were good between us he was a hermit, as he was going through depression, and he didn't like doing many things.

We made each other happy, and I got him out of the house and back to his old self again. His normal self is kind of like an "action hero". He's assertive, works hard, hets thing done and seems confident---certainly no waif. He's social and does a lot of sports activities. But behind closed doors and with his guard down he can be a "hermit" if my interpritation of what that means is correct.

(someone that doesn't like doing out much, solitary, stresses out at home, would rather do indoor activities)

I have also gone through illness, and almost exactly the same thing happened. That's when his need to control came out and he became nasty.

He threw it in my face again and again that I wasn't working, and really it made me feel like I was some kind of waif because I was financially independent on him! I did become upset by this and needy.

I have been wondering if "nons" can aborb some of their traits over time?

Do aggressive borderline men, or borderline men with  a hero syndrome bring out the waifeyness (!) in a non because they like the control/ ego boost?

Can they be enablers during a tough time?

Do they rage about the burden but secretly enjoy playing the hero?

[almost789]

You describe the characteristics of my  high functioning quiet/ silent BPD ex bf. He's outgoing confident, hero type out in public/work and hermit at home. So, I think the public personality is the act. I think this type could enjoy the waify type. Im not typically waify myself and I think he liked that, but I could also see where he would like the idea of having someone be dependant on him to make him feel important. I think his ex wife was that way. And he seemed to like it if I needed him for things, anything in general. I think he enjoyed playing the hero.

[apple]

Violetta,

I was so intrigued with your post because I have been dealing with a similar situation.  What you said about "self-pitying" could describe my soon to be Ex perfectly.  When I first met him, he had a lot of self-blame.  He had lost a 50.00 bill once and was almost literally beating himself up over it.  Now, he doesn't seem to blame himself for ANYTHING, but instead blames me for EVERYTHING.

Although a lot of his personality quirks can be explained by habit and his family traits, there is something so evil about the way he has eroded away at my self-esteem.  Actually not just self-esteem, but who I actually am that I am really starting to examine everything to see what was real and what wasn't.

He has always played the victim... .  and yet has been just under the surface angry and controlling.  VERY CONTROLLING.  He used to come across to others as the most "easy to get along with guy" and yet he is probably the most stubborn person I have every met.  Contradictions - Right?

I posted something a while back that got very little response probably because most of the posts seem to deal with out and out rages and obvious abuse.  The underlying abuse is so hard to spot, but you know it when you live with it.  I just don't know why I didn't figure it out sooner and get out of this marriage.  I had been in a marriage before to a homosexual narcissist.  I figured out he was gay after a while so that is why we divorced.  I just didn't realize the abuse (throwing around furniture) until later.  When I married my current husband -STBX, I guess I saw him as opposite, but no he is much worse.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76608.0

I looked at myself as a frog in the boiling pot who inadvertently climbed out one day and said "Hey wait just a darn minute here."  I started taking control of my own life again... .  and then all hell broke lose.

Cindy

You are so right about the subtle underlying abuse. My exw would say things that were backhanded, undermining but never outright.  I never even realized it until the end as they were so so subtle in nature.

[atcrossroads]

I would love to read a book that specifically cover BPD males - the types, causes, etc.  It seems there are so many stories of BPD females that are HIGH drama and most of them suffered sexual abuse as children.  I wonder how many BPD males have mommy issues?  Also, there does seem to be more overlap of NPD with BPD males.  I am curious and want to understand the nuances of what I experienced the best that I can.

Interestingly, while I can't find much to read on BPD males (there are many books about BPD females, mothers, types of female BPDs, etc), it seems there are an equal number of women on the board suffering from r/s with BPD men as there are men dealing with BPD women.

I find that intriguing.

[lipstick]

Hi all,

My BPDex was definitely a Waif. And is so enmeshed with his mother (who I believe also has some type of mental illness) that it's beyond the pale. He will be fifty years old next month, and she is still bailing he and his spouse out of their financial crises on a regular basis. Ridiculous.

I believe mine was a Waif for several reasons. He did not rage at me. Instead, he would just shut down and not really talk. When we did have the occasional "tiff", he would argue in the most ridiculous fashion. Always throwing out the line "YOU'RE the one that... .  ". Always! Trying to turn it around to deflect any blame for the situation. They were always of his making.

He was very supportive of me and always, always complimenting me. Yet, he had a "pet name" for me that I didn't like. It wasn't derogatory, just rubbed me the wrong way. He would comment that "you don't really like that name, do you?" I would say, "no, not really". And he would continue to use it.

During the "honeymoon" phase, he was upbeat and funny. I mean, tears rolling down your face funny. We laughed a LOT. But as time went by ( we were only together six months - he lied to me and said he was getting divorced - never followed through with it), he started to become melancholy most of the time. Never seemed really happy about anything. Just kind of plowed thru his days.

The day that he dumped me, he kept switching back and forth between despair and anguish to "YOU'RE the one that ... .  (anger)". Once he left, I got (and am continuing to get) the Silent Treatment in response to my attempts at communication. I received one brief response about three weeks ago asking me to please let him give his life "an honest try". And that this "had to be the end" of any communication between us. Now mind you - our living together, his getting a divorce, asking me to marry him - this was all HIS IDEA! And now he's gone back to playing the "responsible spouse". I'm curious how long that will last. Spring seems to trigger him where he becomes "omnipotent" again! 

So, yes - the abuse was subtle - but it was definitely there. Not my problem, though!     His lunatic BPD spouse can have all of that and then some!