Yes because being without him is actually killing me.
Just reread all my old posts and have seen that in pre rages he normally contacts me. Even if they are not nice messages. This time there's been nothing. In people's experience is that a sign that he's not coming back or did I do something wrong this time by not going NC and just pushed him too far away from me
You didn't do anything wrong. You stood up for yourself... .don't apologize for that. The situation you are describing, the emotions you are feeling is somewhere we have all been. You are in the push and pull phase. If you are committed to staying perhaps you would find more sound advice on the staying board.
The board you are currently posting on is for people that are leaving and trying to detach. Some already have and now its about healing. Most posters will say to run, move on, let go... .but that isn't the advice you are seeking.
To answer your question, I think you are in the position that he knows you see behind his mask. This can be very scary for someone with BPD b/c the mask is all they have. This further supports his lack of communication.
A bit of advice, your current situation is only going to magnify. His ability to devalue you and detach is getting stronger. You are going to have an uphill battle. I strongly urge you to read both boards and truly decide if this is what you want in your life. When my ex and I first broke up I was very similar to you. I posted on the staying board. I would have done anything and everything to get through this together. I would've supported her and went to therapy together if need be. I wanted nothing more than to salvage our relationship. No matter what I did she always slapped my hand away. She would grab it when she needed something and would then let it go when she had a new supply or fixation. The BPD won. It was stronger than me. It was stronger than us which I had a really hard time recognizing. You really have to be in a strong mental state to endure one of these relationships.
Regardless of what you choose I wish you the best and i sympathize with what you are going through.