Dear all,
Last weekend we had a group reunion where both me and my BPD/autism ex attended.
We had not seen each other in 2 months, since I, for the first time and out of exhaustion, broke up with her. During the first few months of our dating I was not ready to commit, which she said didn't matter because she wasn't sure either despite her growing feelings. We were both in therapy for our issues. This turned into a pushpulling cycle that got increasingly ugly. Out of pain, she would dump me 4 times and get back. By the time we were both ready to commit, there was a swamp of unresolved accusations and mutually inflicted pain. Naturally I had my own faults: being emotionally walled off and offering no guarantee I burdened her feelings immensely. Looking back now, I can very much interpret her sudden departures, no contact, rebounds, spiteful comments and incapacity to say sorry as natural parts of her BPD and inner pains.
The last time she came back she professed loving and missing me so much. It was after she contacted my ex behind my back, her brother threatening my stepmom over Facebook, juggling a rebound and me at the same time and lying to us both, going no contact. I was wary. I love her and missed her deeply, but a lot of trust was lost. I needed us to talk about past events so we could finally start building on a new foundation where we both could regain safety, understanding. She wanted to postpone that and prioritize regaining our intimacy and loving moments. I believe she could not bear the confrontation and desperately just wanted to be loved- but too much had happened. I feared it would just be building a house on sand.
While she showed me texts that proved she had dumped the rebound guy, she was still in touch with him and he merely knew 'she needed time for herself'- he didn't know she was seeing me again exclusively. It did not help my trust. After pushing her again for talking about the past, she would coldly txt me the day after at therapy that she wasn't sure our relationship 'adhered to her values'- she felt too often controlled and criticized and wanted to remain in touch with her rebound who was now just a friend. She said she preferred a weekend with her female friend to relax, and then decide on continuing with me or not. I could not handle it anymore, this would have been the 5th time I was recycled and again made the slave to her whims after
she came back saying 'she was in love'. I begged her to talk it out, I offered solutions for trust. I asked her if we could at least call a bit to assuage my stress. She replied to nothing for days, despite being online. I felt like everything was prioritized over me: her friend weekend, her rebound, her own needs. Then I did what I could not do the previous nonths: I called it quits, saying I could not handle the extreme uncertainty and stress of losing her again, that I felt unheard and unsafe again, and that I believed partners should not ignore each other's needs so much.
She blocked me instantly. I desperately hoped she would have reacted the way I did the 4 times she dumped me: work harder, show she cares. A wake up call. Nothing.
Over the next 8 weeks I would leave her voicemails sometimes expressing just that, or insights from therapy in how I realize me being emotionally walled off must have been very hard for her, validating her feelings. Once when I was in her hometown I offered to at least get a coffee- talk things out, and either close things off amically or find ways to move on together. I got 2 replies, both declining further closure and need for romance and interest, although always loaded with emotion (' I don't believe in you as a person anymore' ). She would drunkenly call me the 23rd at 3AM to ask about whatsup and what changed. I asked if we could have this phonecall on a better time tomorrow afternoon. She hung up and blocked me. We were supposed to meet with Christmas. It was very lonely.
Last Friday we met up as a group. She suddenly unblocked me on Thursday and sent a voicenote. Asking if we could meet up before hand because she felt nervous with all our friends being around, and maybe we could "see our human side again". I hesitated. I had been begging for closure, solutions or understanding for months, it never meant anything to her. Where was her human side back then? But because of her nervousness she wanted to talk? It seemed pure selfishness again. When I took too long to respond, she declined the 'offer'. This triggered so many memories of her only looking out for her own needs, that I unleashed a 10min voicenote denouncing her selfishness, laughing at her own styled 'fierce personality' while all she did ever was walk away and never confront issues, and I asked her to maybe start thinking about the trail of victims she was leaving behind.
She responded that she had felt very hurt and angry the weeks before (?) but would try to remember our times in a better light. Then she blocked me.
That night the tension was palpable. We put on smiles for our friends but she avoided eye contact. When I finally asked her to sit with me, her legs were shaking, she seemed like a wounded deer. Scared. We smoothed over some wounds as superficially as we could, and toasted to peace between us. She bought us shots- to the horror of our friends who expected a relapse between us. Up to the next bar she remained close to my side, making eye contact, and we fluctuated between 'jokes' about our past hurt and insults and being close to each other again. The atmosphere erupted after she asked me if I had had sex recently- which I had the day before, out of sadness since the didnt reply. She broke down, stormed out crying. I was baffled and emotional, didn't expect such a reaction since she had had many more rebounds and also many months earlier. I never wanted anyone but her. I reached her at the train station, her make up run through with tears. We reluctantly took a train together.
She cried non stop, called herself a hypocrite for denouncing my one night stand, and admitted to how much pain she was in. How much my rejection earlier had hurt her so much and made her feel 'not good enough', confirming the very core of her fears in therapy. This was the reason she feared to meet up or contact me because she never thought she could ever be enough for me or provide sufficient closure. Before my eyes the manipulative, selfish Mr Hyde turned into the Dr Jekyll she really was. She returned to the loving vulnerable girl I had thought I had known but lost. I thought that girl had been a lie. A 'honeymoon phase construct'. We hugged. Kissed. We laughed about the dumb decision we would again make: go home together despite all the friends and family members warning us not to.
The sex was tender. We cuddled. We said we loved and had missed one another. How both our Christmases had been extremely lonely, how much we missed each other. For the first time in months, I felt safe in her room again. The person before me wore no mask anymore, I did not mistrust the pure emotion I witnessed. No suspicion, no more hatred. She had lost weight after my rejection, as she always stops eating when people make her feel 'not good enough'. She admitted her plans for that night had been to relapse and cut herself, to give a feeling of peace. Fond memories of our times in her room and our love flooded back in, memories I had devalued out of pain and distrust. I felt happy, and mostly I felt so much understanding. Finally all the pieces fit together: the articles on BPD that I had read but that she had always found too painful to talk about. Her destructive deeds suddenly matched again with her previously passionate love for me- something I failed to understand for months. She explained she often went No Contact because whenever we were in touch just a little our magnetism would pull her back in. I loved and understood her so much at that moment. We both cried and finally connected again- without all the manupulation and sidesteps and sabotage that plagued us before. She did state however, that she thought we could not be in a relationship: I required too much validation and she required a partner who would make her feel worthwhile and good enough. I thought this was partially a defensive mechanism, but I understood the signal of her needs.
The morning after she was distant, explaining she felt overwhelmed emotionally and needed to organize her thoughts and stress. I understood. This was not uncommon- she would regularly curl up to process emotions.
It was hard to deal with her distance and we had a little fight, but we left on good terms and kisses.
She unblocked me on whatsapp. Since she just graduated and will start working soon, a very new and scary phase, I did not expect a relationship or anything to recommence quickly or any time. I wanted stability for her and was genuinely happy to care from a distance. I was just grateful for the newly refound connection we had, and loved her for her vulnerabilities and us being close. We would see down the road. Let things settle- after many rebounds, hate, months of seeing our worst sides, we still found love was not gone and if it weathered all those storms I did not care about hastiness.
She sent me pictures of her fancy family dinner. I replied with some of the bite wounds I suffered during our a night and a picture of two wolfdogs I met- we both love wolves. She blocked me after.
It's been 2 days.
I did not fully expect this. What are your thoughts?
It became very clear how much emotional turmoil she is in right now and for once I'm not that angry, altho a certain 'goodbye ' would have been nice.
Is it fear of being pulled back into hurt? Is it dealing with many conflicting emotions? Is it an attempt to control or to now turn the breakup back on me? The latter I don't really believe.
I have not blocked her, although I find the situation hard to deal with. I've been waiting with leaving a voicemail because it's my last trump card. What should I say? Naturally I long in a way for romance, although I'm scared to start that too soon. I miss her a lot. I actually for once want to tell her: hey, it's ok. I'm not mad. If you need this, you're still wonderful for who you are and it does not lessen you as a person. It's been great understanding each other and reconnecting again.
At this point Im quite tormented. It feels like we both finally reconnect and understand each other. Also, through therapy and the confrontation of our relationship, I have finally been able to break down my walls and personal trauma and allow in feelings. Its like a drawing finally receiving colour. While my ex knew about my struggles, and seemingly accepted them, she merely did so out of fear of losing me/abandonment. They burdened her immensely, and I didnt see or want to see that.
It feels like Im standing amidst the rubble of all the unnecessary pain we inflicted upon each other, and only now we (or I) can see. We wanted to be together, knowing there were obstacles, but we wanted it so badly
now. I don't know how to get out of the rubble. Only know we could both fully open up and be vulnerable and know each other for who we really are. There is a lot of hurt but also a lot of feelings left.
How should I proceed? I don't know how to mend the damage. I don't know how to interpret her recent very obvious feelings yet her blocking. I made mistakes and feel ashamed, and honestly I've been crying a lot. Because of pity for her, because of our loss. I was walled off and we damaged each other, but underneath we were very much the same: sensitive and in need of love but very incapable of opening up. Now that we can we stand amidst a flaming battleground with a glimmer of potential left. Has too much damage been done? I hate how I now recognize that by being just as a sensitive soul and having the same understanding about feeling often different or inferior, was in the ultimate position to provide care and empathy but could not do so yet- as evidenced by the damage.
Honestly for the past days I've been crying mostly about finally seeing her pain and understanding her. I want to love and accommodate her for who she is now that I understand.
I love her and I think we could have offered unique benefits and understanding to each other. Instead we enhanced our fears of being unloveable or inadequate. Could you please advise me on how to handle this and her block? Is it better to ignore the block and give her time? Call her and patiently try to convince her that she is indeed safe and loved and very much wanted with me?
Thank you.
Adrian
